Well that sucked!

[ronandannette]

But he had to know I would be upset. I bought him a $150 glorified toy!

And I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no, he didn't have to know if he doesn't look at giving or receiving gifts the same way you do. Really - this isn't a universal intuition that everybody is born with. I mean this kindly because I can tell you're hurt but it really seems like the two of you don't understand each other very well on this level. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...anguage/understanding-the-five-love-languages This could be very, very informative and helpful if you're not already familiar with it.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

This speaks volumes to me. Not really a way to say this without offending somebody but if that's your day-to-day, then I personally wouldn't expect someone who doesn't put forth an effort at home to put forth an effort with gifts.

In the same breath, however, I'll say that someone who silently does everything at home without asserting their need for help probably doesnt assert strongly enough their wants regarding gifts either.

You willingly bought him a $150 toy. You chose to purchase all those items for him. He's not going to know you are upset or disappointed if you don't ever bother to tell him.
Men are good at many things but mind readers have never been their strong suit.

I agree with some of the posts, including the two above.

I get where you're coming from. It was pretty clear that my ex had no consideration for my feelings at Christmas or any other gift-giving days throughout the year. I learned that lesson. If he realizes that you are upset and doesn't care, then you might consider taking care of you so that you feel appreciated. It takes some getting used to. Of course, Tina is right when she said that you should speak up, as hard as that may be. If this is the only real disappointment, you can make a new tradition so you can enjoy it, but if there is more to it, then just sending you a because that stinks.

And, just a thought... does he really appreciate the gifts you give him, or do you think he wishes you didn't give him those things to relieve him from the burden of having to get you something you might or might not like?

 

[AustinTink]

It can get better, OP, with a little nudging on your part.

Last year I had scissors and super glue in my stocking. This year got a necklace and earrings from Tiffany's! Tell him what you want.

 

[tcufrog]

@Gumbo4x4

Go for experience gifts then. For example, if you never go out to dinner find a restaurant you both haven't been to before that has good reviews and get a gift certificate to it with the promise that you will take for a special dinner there. My dh normally sucks at gift giving. This year he surprised me with two tickets to see a band I love even though he's not a fan of going to concerts. I had no idea the band will be coming to town next year. I was bowled over by his creativity and thoughtfulness for once.

 

[mummabear]

I think this is really more a disappointment about his lack of understanding you than the material items, it can be hard after being together so long when they still don't click. I ge this often with DH when he grabs me food and i'm like seriously in 14 years have you ever seen me eat y.

Have you ever read the 5 languages of love? It is interesting to read that people give and expect to receive love in different ways and gift giving may not be your husbands way.

 

[indygirl99]

For the most part guys are not mind readers, they don't really get hints and they don't equate "I gave you x gifts therefore you should give me x gifts".

If you want something specific you have to say exactly what you want. Even better write it down. Size, color, specific store etc.

I think my hubby was suppose to be a woman. He is great about housework. He does the laundry, sweeps, cleans, changes the cat litter. He also is great with gift giving. He will see something he thinks I will like so he points it out and says "is this something you want?"

He also has really great taste in jewelry and I am never disappointed with what he picks out.

For your own sanity state clearly what you want and expect and also write it down so he has it in black and white. He will thank you for it and you will be much happier.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Some years I suck at getting presents for my wife, other years I am on point. And it always stresses me out. Always.

 

[Shanti]

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds really unpleasant & is obviously deeper than wanting more or better stuff. It's about wishing your special loved one would show some appreciation and thoughtfulness once a year.

If Christmas/birthday is the only time you have a real issue with him, I'd let it go, spend less on him in the future, & spend the difference on something nice for yourself each year. The latter is important, don't just pocket or save the money, actually get yourself something, with the knowledge that your husband loves you & deep down would like for you to have something nice, even if he's unwilling to get it for you himself.

If this is just part of a year-long trend of being mistreated or dismissed as a person in your marriage, then it's time for couples therapy.

 

[Neesy228]

I think this is really more a disappointment about his lack of understanding you than the material items, it can be hard after being together so long when they still don't click. I ge this often with DH when he grabs me food and i'm like seriously in 14 years have you ever seen me eat y.

Have you ever read the 5 languages of love? It is interesting to read that people give and expect to receive love in different ways and gift giving may not be your husbands way.

I was actually thinking of mentioning this book too. I think it's very helpful and revealing.

I rate high on "receiving gifts" and that love language is very low on my husbands scale (actually the lowest)...but it's helped me to realize that he just sees it as unimportant, not that he's being intentionally hurtful. I do wish he tried, but I don't think he's changing, so the next best thing I can do is to understand.

 

[mom2grace]

And I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no, he didn't have to know if he doesn't look at giving or receiving gifts the same way you do. Really - this isn't a universal intuition that everybody is born with. I mean this kindly because I can tell you're hurt but it really seems like the two of you don't understand each other very well on this level. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...anguage/understanding-the-five-love-languages This could be very, very informative and helpful if you're not already familiar with it.

We did the love languages many moons ago.

Christmas is really important to him, he says as a kid it was the only time he felt loved by his family. And I 100% believe that. So I try to make it special.

We maintain many of their family rituals even though we live 1,000 miles away & rarely spend Christmas there.

About half of the things I bought him were on his list & half were things I bought on my own. But he will use all of them, I only buy things if I know he will like them. I'm pretty waste conscious.

The BB-8 droid was a splurge & our kids contributed their own money for a portion of it, they were really excited about it & knew he would love it.

I did send him a link on amazon to a fiestaware platter that I would love. We have prime & live close enough to 2 Amazon warehouses that we can get many items same day. He didn't buy it.

 

[gwynne]

We did the love languages many moons ago.

Christmas is really important to him, he says as a kid it was the only time he felt loved by his family. And I 100% believe that. So I try to make it special.

We maintain many of their family rituals even though we live 1,000 miles away & rarely spend Christmas there.

About half of the things I bought him were on his list & half were things I bought on my own. But he will use all of them, I only buy things if I know he will like them. I'm pretty waste conscious.

The BB-8 droid was a splurge & our kids contributed their own money for a portion of it, they were really excited about it & knew he would love it.

I did send him a link on amazon to a fiestaware platter that I would love. We have prime & live close enough to 2 Amazon warehouses that we can get many items same day. He didn't buy it.

If the platter is very important to you, order it. I think maybe scaling back on the packages/expectations might help next year. We give each other dinners out, museum memberships or short vacations, It's a team plan. It varies from year to year. No mind reading. We fill each others stockings, small not overly expensive, thoughtful things. Those are the surprise for us.

 

[Cheetie]

I get it. This year, I pointed out the jewelry I liked while we were in the jewelry store picking up something I had repaired, told him the two DVDs I wanted, and asked for theater tickets. Christmas morning brought me a new TV, Bluetooth earbuds and a fitbit. I think he accidentally bought me his list.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't get this notion that some guys aren't mind readers. True but how can anyone not see that someone else is being thoughtful and giving that person nice things and then turn around and make little effort? I just don't understand this.

OP, I can tell how frustrated you are. I agree with those who said to talk it over with him. Communication is always a good thing.

 

[superme80]

I'm so sorry. I completely understand how disappointing it is.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Why did he buy the wrong size sweater? OP, you told him to get a medium and he got a different size and I believe you said it was intentional to get the wrong size. Why??

I can see how this would get extra dicey if you have separate finances. Is at least part of the issue that you spent over $400 of "your own money" on these gifts and he spent far less?

DH and I only have a shared account--no separate accounts--and our incomes are in the same ballpark. We have some issues with gift giving--he's more of a spender and I'm more of a saver. He buys things as he wants/needs them and I have very little desire to buy just about anything. In the past, DH has done more extravagant gifts for me than I have done for him due to me so rarely buying anything for myself. But neither one of us makes a fuss when that happens--probably because the money for gifts is all coming from the same pot so to speak.

 

[WDWJDS]

I must admit that I never quite understood when people (usually us women) would give their loved ones (usually husbands) a list of things that they would love to receive as gifts. Then they would get so excited when Christmas morning (or anniversary, Valentine's Day) would arrive and they received the gifts on their list. Is it bragging rights to tell your friends/coworkers/other family members "DH bought me an XXX for my birthday!"? No, you actually bought if for yourself and DH picked it up from the store (or Amazon).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But he had to know I would be upset. I bought him a $150 glorified toy!

Start buying your own stuff and do not tell him what it is. Wrap and put under the tree.

Accept he stinks at gift buying.

What did I get? Nothing. He wanted to get me a new car radio with Bluetooth but it is out of our budget.

That being said, DH has a 300 GC so I can go buy boots later. I am cool with that.

We are busy beyond belief right now. We did our best to have nice Christmas and we did.

 

[ICF]

It wouldn't be Christmas on the DIS until the annual -- my husband gave me crappy/no/thoughtless gift threads start to appear.

IMO --- they seem petty.....people should focus on other positive things in their lives.....and not the gifts that were given (or not given) 1 day of the year.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would NEVER give my husband $400 and tell him told do the Christmas shopping for my boys.

Magic only happens if I make it happen.

My husband is a great guy, but gifts aren't his thing.

I understand you are venting and I get that, but what I do not understand is why this has not been addressed before this. My DH stinks at gift giving. He always has and at first I was pretty upset, but I figured we needed to change how we looked at gift giving occasions. WE DO NOT spend a lot on Chistmas for each other (well this year he did, my DD called and told him I really wanted a specific DIsney Dooney, and after she spelled it out"YOu need to pay for it" it appeared under the tree.) We also do not exchange cards. they make him uncomfortable and I refuse to get my feelings hurt over a card. We do things for each other throughout the year, little things, big things, whatever seems appropriate at the time.

So...I would have a chat with your DH. EIther stop exchanging for Christmas or shop for a couples gift for the two of you. And then stick wth the rule. If you say no more exchanging....do not buy him a gift. If you say small gift, get him a little gift. No more over the top gifts that will set up him up to be a loser. You know he wil not do well in this, so let him and you off the hook.

What I would do is evaluate what he is like in the giant scheme of your life. Is this guy just a gift giving flop or does he let you down continually? Mine is a flop, and if it was nto for my DD, he woudl be even worse. I got the purse but my favorite from him was the electric knife that I wanted, he panicked that DD had not picked it up. See the trend? DD. DD. DD. So he is usually a gift flop, but the guy is stand up throughout the year. That is what counts to me. How is your DH when it comes to every day living? That is what is important.

I also would evaluate how you look at gift giving. Is this how you measure love? If it is you really need to spell that out to him. I am not saying it is wrong, but if the two of you are not n the same page here, there is bound to be a problem.

 

[NewRVLady]

I see you gave him hints he didn't take....well NEXT year you need to have a frank talk way ahead of time, when you are less emotional about it.


I usually give local son hints-this year I copied 3 pages of earrings from a designer I like-the pages were on amazon-and said anything by XXX........His new wife actually picked them out......So I was surprised but still got the designer I liked.

My Dh usually does pretty good-2 years ago he gave me a pretty necklace-but I have gotten to the point I hardly wear necklaces.....I try to steer him towards earring which I LOVE ans cant get enough of....he has picked out a lot of beautiful ones