Weird question

[brockash]

I hardly ever start threads, but I figured this would be a good place to get opinions and I'm curious. I remember once seeing a woman on Oprah talking about the difference in her relationship to her husband and with her kids (this was a very long time ago.) Granted I think everyone would say there's a big difference their, but she went on to speak about how she "loved" her husband more than her kids...now that I'm thinking about it; I think that was the name of the show, or something along those lines. Basically she was saying how her husband was her partner in life and with him she could get through anything, but without him she didn't think she could, and at one time stated that she felt it would be easier for her to move on after the death of one of her children than the death of her husband. She obviously would never want either to happen, but I guess her point was that because she would still have her husband their with her she could manage, but didn't think she'd be able to move on if her husband died.
I know this is a very weird subject, as obviously no one would ever wish either of those scenerios on anyone, but I've just always wondered about it, because for me personally, it would be tragic if anything ever happened to my husband, but I feel like I could go on, because I'd have our children that needed me, however if one of my children died, I really don't know that I could ever really move on. I had always wondered if maybe it was that I was more of a "mom" than a "wife," which I guess if I think about I really feel that I am, maybe that's wrong, who knows, but I just always wondered how other ppl. felt about it.
I apologize that this got long, and I hope I'm not offending anyone. I was just curious.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't have children. I can't pretend to understand a mother's love either.

I do know that my husband and I went through a lot of marital counseling and so many of the other couples talked about children being a major issue. Obviously when they children are young, they become almost the center of the marriage universe to some couples or to some but not others. I believe this is where the conflict arises.

In our counselings we were taught that it should almost be a heiarchy. Husband/wife should always be first and together and the children should never be above it but understand that sometimes their needs come first just not always first. I hope this makes sense, I'm trying to retell the way I was told without stepping on toes.

I think essentially it's about having the solid foundation so when your world is rocked you have something/someone holding you up. Some people do rely on their spouse for all the emotional support and I've seen alot of people fall to pieces without that person.

 

[Shmily1]

I would be the same as you. DH says I breathe for the kids. He's probably right I can tell you that many people greive themselves to death for both reasons. My mom grieved for my brother and then my grandmother grieved for my mom and only lived 6 months after my mom died. My mom lived for several years after my brother died, but the "life" of her was not there all that time. She didn't want to participate in life most of the time and when they moved, she went to my grandmothers to stay while we moved her stuff. She didn't want to go through his stuff and have to put it in another house. I can't fault her for that because I know I would be the same way.

 

[lisadr]

Thankfully I have not had to deal with either, but I honestly feel I could go on without my DH, but if I lost my child-I would give up. It would destroy me. I think that only having one would only highlight that fact. If I had another child that was depending on me I would have to go on and want to fr the surviving child, but having just one-well I doubt if I could get up from that.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I love my husband dearly, but my children come first. I don't feel like I could go on without any of them (husband or sons), but I guess if it ever came to that (God forbid), I'd have to just keep moving forward.

 

[chrisw127]

I believe the woman on that show was Ayelet Waldman. I didn't see the show, but it got a lot of attention afterwards. I'm not a big fan of hers, for reasons other than this.

My kids come first. I love my husband very much, but that's just the way it is.

 

[Christine]

In a sense, I do agree with what Tina said--that the marriage should be a hierarchy and your spouse should never fall below the children. And yes, for awhile, everything about your children is going to be demanding of your time.

However, as lisadr said, I think that if one of my children died, I could never, ever recover emotionally. I would never be the same. Certainly, it would be no walk in the park if my husband died, but it just would be different. I can't explain why. I think it is because we always sort of think of our children as someone we are solely responsible for, someone we must protect, and no matter how old they are, they always feel like "our babies." I don't think you ever forget that image of your child as a small, cuddly infant totally dependent on you. Even when they are 18!!!

The husband/wife relationship, in most cases, is a different dynamic so I think that same feeling isn't there. I guess in some marriages, a spouse could feel that way towards the other spouse but in my circles, I haven't seen it.

 

[brockash]

Thankfully I have not had to deal with either, but I honestly feel I could go on without my DH, but if I lost my child-I would give up. It would destroy me. I think that only having one would only highlight that fact. If I had another child that was depending on me I would have to go on and want to fr the surviving child, but having just one-well I doubt if I could get up from that.

That's exactly how I feel. I love my DH of course, and would never want anything to happen to him, but just honestly yes I feel like I could move on. When I only had one child, I seriously felt like that would be it for me, if for any reason something happened to him. Now that I have 2 if something happened to one I would be devestated, but would keep going for the other, but I think I would really only care about my other child and relationship to that child at the point and would probably shut everyone else out. I don't know it's a horrible thing to think about, but it's always been in the back of my mind ever since I saw the interview. I was just curious if I was one of the minority or not.

 

[Suzy Mouse]

My mother died tragically a few years ago and my dad stated he felt it was more difficult than if he lost a child. He said if one of my siblings or I had died, he would have the comfort of my mother. With it being this way, he feels he's alone all the time.

I personally couldn't imagine losing a child. You assume that you're going to eventually lose your spose (or them losing you) but you never expect to bury a child.

 

[Buckalew11]

I can't even fathom losing either so I am just not going there.

However, I will say that I love my DD so, so much. Beyonds words, I cannot describe a mother's love for her child. And yet, the love I have for my husband is also beyond my belief. It is different, those 2 loves. My "job" is to prepare my daughter for life. Someday she'll go to college and then she'll go out into the world making a life for herself.

It is because of that that I want and need to keep my relationship with my DH a good one. I don't want to be 'strangers" when she's gone. I wan to be prepared for several more years of the two of facing what comes our way both good and bad. I'm hoping for more good than bad.

So, my answer is that it is just a different kind of love. That is the wonderful thing about love---there are different kinds and enough of it to go around for everyone.

 

[brockash]

I believe the woman on that show was Ayelet Waldman. I didn't see the show, but it got a lot of attention afterwards. I'm not a big fan of hers, for reasons other than this.

My kids come first. I love my husband very much, but that's just the way it is.

I just googled her name and yes that was her. Wow, I can't believe it was almost 4 years ago that she was on Oprah. I knew it was a long time ago, but I was thinking around a year or so. It really has been on my mind for a long time

 

[lovemygoofy]

That's exactly how I feel. I love my DH of course, and would never want anything to happen to him, but just honestly yes I feel like I could move on. When I only had one child, I seriously felt like that would be it for me, if for any reason something happened to him. Now that I have 2 if something happened to one I would be devestated, but would keep going for the other, but I think I would really only care about my other child and relationship to that child at the point and would probably shut everyone else out. I don't know it's a horrible thing to think about, but it's always been in the back of my mind ever since I saw the interview. I was just curious if I was one of the minority or not.

My aunt is struggling with this. My cousin(age 30) passed on the day after Thanksgiving. She struggles with either smothering the child left(age 24) to the point of pushing everyone else out. She tells how she has to make an effort to let others in including my uncle because naturally she wants nothing but a bubble around her and her daughter.

I have a friend who lost a child while her husband was away in a deployment. She had no one or so she felt to fall back on. She for all intents and purposes has secluded herself from the world and wants nothing to do with anyone. I send her an email everyonce in a while to let her know that someone is thinking about her and hoping that it will be better.

Unfournately, you never know how you are going to react until you have to and we just all want to pray we never have to react.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I understand the woman on Oprah. She fell in love with her husband, she chose him and he chose her, for her that love could be extremely strong. He is probably her rock, emotionally, physically and financially.

And although she loves her kids without a doubt, losing someone you are in love with, for her, is more difficult than someone you love.

For me however, I cannot say. I don't have any kids nor do I a husband. I haven't had to think about it. I have thought about the situation during birth if I had to pick between a spouse and an unborn child (which I don't because I am a woman and I am straight), I would pick my spouse. An unborn child that I don't know doesn't compare to a child I have known for years so..... I just hope the situation never arises.

 

[BuffettFan]

I love my husband dearly, but my children come first..

Agreed.

We went through Catholic counseling before our marriage, 17 years ago, and were told that that our priorities should be God, spouse, children....in that order. And I said then, and still believe now, that it's God, children, spouse. They tried to change my mind back then, but all these years, and two children later, I still believe that. Its not that I dont love him completely.......iits just that my kids come first.

 

[cruellababy]

I could go on without my DH; but not if one of my kids passed away, especially if it was my favorite child-yes, I admitted I have a favorite.

 

[bearynice]

I could survive losing DH easier than losing a child. The truth is, when I married him, I understood that sooner or later, one of us would die. Statistically, it's more likely to be him first.

However, when I had my children, I did so fully expecting I would die before they did. I know that's not how it always works, but it's how I think.

 

[Juliegirl1]

My son is my mini me - my flesh and blood. If anything happened to him I'd be devastated. Part of me would die if he died.

No, I didn't pick him out like I did my exhusband but my son was entrusted to me by a higher power. I'm responsible for him. My exhusband, well, let's just say that was a bad choice I made that resulted in the best thing that ever happened to me (my son).

A person can always get remarried but people can't always have another child. You can fall out of love -people do everyday. However as a mother I think you will always love your children - even if they aren't perfect.

 

[Ember]

I could go on without my DH; but not if one of my kids passed away, especially if it was my favorite child-yes, I admitted I have a favorite.

I KNEW parents lied about not having a favorite, I just knew it!!

 

[cruellababy]

I KNEW parents lied about not having a favorite, I just knew it!!

Yes, they do! LOL I love all my kids;don't get me wrong-but there was one who just grabbed at my heart more than the others. Kind of hard to explain, I guess.

 

[brockash]

My son is my mini me - my flesh and blood. If anything happened to him I'd be devastated. Part of me would die if he died.

No, I didn't pick him out like I did my exhusband but my son was entrusted to me by a higher power. I'm responsible for him. My exhusband, well, let's just say that was a bad choice I made that resulted in the best thing that ever happened to me (my son).

A person can always get remarried but people can't always have another child. You can fall out of love -people do everyday. However as a mother I think you will always love your children - even if they aren't perfect.

This was something else that always made me curious. What if the lady on Oprah got a divorce, or what if her husband ended up leaving her? Surely she'd go on