Wedding shower vent (long!)

[barkley]

i don't envy your sister getting hooked up with this family-sounds like they have little regard for others when it comes to getting what they want (and a big red flag would have gone up for me that the groom is cut from the same cloth if he started making costly requests for something as low key as a wedding shower is intended to be-i'm also going to make a leap here and assume he is'nt making any effort to keep the wedding costs in check by aiding the bride/her parents in curtailing his parent's invitatation list).

me hopes your sister/the groom will have the financial ability to handle what will probably be decades of overblown/costly 'family events' (my lord-if they invited that many people to a wedding shower i can't fathom what their expectations will be for baptisms/christenings, birthday parties, graduations...).

 

[Jynohn]

I agree. The shower and guest list was WAY out of control. I've never been to a shower with more than 40 or so people before, and said as much during the planning. Had we known how this would all turn out, we would have had our own little shower with our family and let the groom's side of the family have one of their own. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess...

As to the suggestions about letting the groom's mother know, she does know. She asked my mother how much everything cost and if the SIL had paid yet (guess she must have a history of pulling this) my mother said no and the mother just kind of shrugged her shoulders.

I guess what irks me most about all of this, putting aside the fact that my sister and I each had to pay an extra $300 for the deadbeat SIL, is that she sat there and took credit for it all! Petty, I know, but it just drove me crazy to see her accepting the compliments for a nice job and all the thanks from my sister and her fiance when she literally did not lift a finger to help. Even if she didn't pay a dime but helped to write out invitations, set up, clean up, etc. I would have felt better about the situation.

I guess I should just be glad she's not MY SIL. I haven't said a word to my sister because I know she'd feel terrible about all the money we spent, but I also feel like she needs some kind of warning about this woman too!

P.S. Forgot to add the best part, after all this, she didn't even bring a present to the shower either!

 

[Keli]

What the SIL did was totally unfair but I believe you are more likely to get blood from a stone than any money from her for this shower.
In your place I believe that I would send her one more email or give her one more phone call and then let it go. I truly believe there is nothing you could do that would make this woman pay up.
I wonder if she, herself, wanted to have the big shindig with the higher costs. Did she want to invite all the people from her side or was it her mother? Although if she couldn't afford such an elaborate affair she should have told you upfront and not dug this hole for herself I feel there's a good chance that she is something of a pawn in this situation also.
I think you are going to go through a lot of hassel, embarrassment to bride and groom, ill-will between the families, and still end up without a penny reimbursement.

 

[4nana]

You, your sis and parents are very kind hearted . Please be careful sweetie, as this could really get out of hand . If you're stuck with an $1800. shower bill, I can only imagine how out of hand the rehersal dinner, wedding, etc. could get. Future SIL and family sound like a real piece of work and I hope your parents don't get in above their head . Best wishes in sorting it all out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree she owes you money. I think, however, that she probably has no intention of paying anything and never did. I do think one part of your story isn't clear though. You said you picked the hall before you ever heard back from her, but that you only had it in the hall because of the numbers of people she (and her mom?) invited.

I think she purposely stayed out of it so she could claim no responsibility for costs. In her email, did she actually agree to paying 1/3 of the cost? I know many people who think that staying uninvolved absolves them of responsibility.

It sounds to me like this was a huge communication snafu. She probably agreed to be bridesmaid having no idea she was going to have to pay $600 for her share of a shower and handled it very poorly.

ITA. It does sound like she distanced herself for a reason.
I'd forgo the e-mail. Ask in person! Harder to ignore you that way. If it were me, I'd go with my sister to her house or arrange to go out for coffee or shopping or something, and ask her for the money point blank. Chit chat alittle then hit her with the zinger. You want her to pay for her 3rd. Get her to tell you when she will pay you and stay on it. I'd make her so embarassed that she'd want to pay me just to end it. Be direct and persistant!

Good luck! And keep us posted!

ETA- Do it soon. The more time that passes she'll think she got away with it.

 

[Chicago526]

Too late now, of course, but this goes as a warning to us all. When planing an event, get everyone's share, UP FRONT, before a dime is spent (even deposits to save the room/rental equipment/caterer etc.). If so-and-so doesnt' fork over their share of the money by the drop-dead date, revise budget for said event down by the amount you were stiffed and so-and-so is now dropped from future planning for the event (and from the list of hosts/hostesses). This keeps the honest/responsible ones from being stiffed and the not-so responsible ones know they won't get away with this garbage.

I did something like this with my bridesmaids and their dresses when I got married last year. I had two that I knew had historys of not paying for things in a timely way (they wouldn't actually stiff anyone but months could go by without payment) and while they would intend to pay me back, I knew that I could have trouble actually getting the money as their more important bills (like rent, gas, and food) got in the way. So, after picking the dress I told all the girls that they had to place their own order through the dress shop and pay for them on their own. The dress shop had to send the order out by a certain day and that was their deadline. Anyone who didn't place an order by the deadline would simply not be in the wedding (and I made it clear that if they coudln't handle the expense and couldn't be in the wedding, that I would NOT be angry. I told them all this in the most laid back, polite way possible). I didn't have the money, time, or inclination to play banker for any of the girls. All of them got the orders in and the dresses paid for in time, so there were no issues.

I have no advice on how to get the money now, other than to keep nagging at her or getting your sister and bil involved. Good luck!

 

[hlbtimes2]

Your sister needs to know. She needs to know that anything she buys for this girl for the wedding, and expects to be reimbursed for (dress, shoes, etc), that she will more then likely have to eat the cost of.

 

[RubySlippers]

You really need to tell your sister. These things have a way of coming out eventually and your sister should hear the true story from you. As far as the money goes I am sorry to say but you most likely will never see it I am so sorry.

Ruby

 

[disykat]

That's another thread in itself! My parents are paying for the wedding. The groom's parents have already invited over 100 people and my sister told me yesterday that she asked her to let her know if she gets any declines because she wants to invite more. My parents have a very large home, and the grooms mother said to my sister, "why not, they can afford it."

Besides the fact that the size of my parents home doesn't mean that they have endless amounts of money to throw around (quite the opposite in fact) Regardless, who says something like that?

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I appreciate all the input!

This explains a lot! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They've evidently decided your family is wealthy and that they're going to squeeze the most out of you they can.

If they're willing to say something that tacky out loud - you know you're dealing with someone who's serious about getting what they can.

 

[Stitchfans]

Yep that is too much money to let her go scot free with. I would haunt her until she paid up.

 

[Maryr1]

Oh dear...this is very unfortunate. You will probably have to see these people on a regular basis so there are no winners here. If you push for the money,you lose(they'll talk about what a meannie you are). If you just eat the cost,you lose (and you will always get used by these people). A big red flag to me is that the future MIL knows her daughterl didn't pay and she didn't offer to pick up the cost!!!!!!! I would just forget the money, but I would NEVER get involved with any type of financial situation with them again. I would also encourage your parents to have them over for dinner and discuss at length the costs of the wedding and clear up any cloudy areas...I wouldn't mention the deadbeat by name but I would make references to "the unfortunate situation" and prevention of any such "future unfortunate situations" because the bride and groom should never have to "suffer "the social trials of such issues. If the sister has a birthday,shower etc.that you would be invited to(including holidays) I would just give her a card noting that as your gift to her you are forgiving blank amount of dollars of her debt. I would also mention this mess to your sister at a time you feel is apprpriate so she knows what is really going on-also give her copies of the emails for proof. Good luck!

 

[magicmato]

I would wonder if this is the sister's passive aggressive way of stating how she feels about her brother's choice of mate? I am not saying your sister is anything but wonderful, but perhaps the future sil does not care to really participate in the wedding and was pressured into it?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since the shower is over and done with I would let it go.

I would not have booked a hall in the beginning without her putting money towards it in the first place.

I think you are obligated to tell your sister so she does not get duped by this woman in the future.

 

[MareQ]

Gott alove in-laws huh?

Honestly - I would tell your sister - BUT - not till well after the wedding. Let her enjoy this moment and her wedding and saying something now will just put a damper on it.

We had drama with the shower for my Brother and SIL as well. My SIL chose HER SIL to be her MOH. My sister and I were also in the wedding as well as my SIL's 2 best friends. WELL - MOH calls each of us up and asked us opinions on the date, location, type of meal and menu. As soon as we were done voicing our opinions she jumped in and said "Well I already booked it at this place, on this date, chose a sit down menu and this is what we're having. I also picked out the favors and invitations and had them printed. I need $200 from each of you for the meal and $25 for the favors" HUH???? Why even bother going through the motions of asking our opinion if you had the thing all planned and boooked already?!?!? The ONLY input we were allowed was the input of our money into her hand....


We kept quiet and mentioned it months later when the subject came up - MOH was NOT pleased to be "ratted out" but we sure had fun doing it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep...tell her after the wedding. I should have said that!!!

 

[Jynohn]

I would wonder if this is the sister's passive aggressive way of stating how she feels about her brother's choice of mate? I am not saying your sister is anything but wonderful, but perhaps the future sil does not care to really participate in the wedding and was pressured into it?

Well I think you may be onto something there. My sister and the SIL have always had a strained relationship. She told my sister the first night they met that she wouldn't be around long because she "always finds a way to get rid of his girlfriends." To be honest, I think it's a little creepy how possessive she is of her brother, but that's for my sister to address.

So her being passive-aggressive I can agree with, but as far as her feeling pressured to be in the wedding, it was actually my sister who was pressured to have her in it. She didn't want to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but after comments from the MIL felt obligated as she is the groom's only sister.

I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that we'll never see the money, I just hate the thought of her feeling like she got away with something. Seriously, I feel pretty bad for my sister knowing that she's going to have to deal with this family for the rest of her life. I could go on and on with the stories, but her fiance is a good guy who just happens to have a rotten family. I have to admit I was a little put off by the expensive requests by him for the shower, but he honestly is a nice, generous guy and I think he probaby was pretty oblivious to the amount of money this was all adding up to. My other sister and I should have just put our foot down and said no, but we thought we were dividing everything by 3 at the time so the costs were high, but not as bad as they ended up.

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I have also shared it with my other sister and we're still deciding how to best approach this. We know we're basically stuck with this woman forever now too, especially once my sister has children, so we don't want to cause a huge rift between the families, but also hate looking like doormats.

 

[Jynohn]

We had drama with the shower for my Brother and SIL as well. My SIL chose HER SIL to be her MOH. My sister and I were also in the wedding as well as my SIL's 2 best friends. WELL - MOH calls each of us up and asked us opinions on the date, location, type of meal and menu. As soon as we were done voicing our opinions she jumped in and said "Well I already booked it at this place, on this date, chose a sit down menu and this is what we're having. I also picked out the favors and invitations and had them printed. I need $200 from each of you for the meal and $25 for the favors" HUH???? Why even bother going through the motions of asking our opinion if you had the thing all planned and boooked already?!?!? The ONLY input we were allowed was the input of our money into her hand....

I've had this happen to me too when I was in my cousin's wedding. I found out the date of the shower when my mother received her invitation in the mail But they sure knew how to contact me when it was time to pay the bill though!

So I've been on both sides of the coin now. Hopefully this will be the last wedding I'm in until my kids get married!

 

[magicmato]

So her being passive-aggressive I can agree with, but as far as her feeling pressured to be in the wedding, it was actually my sister who was pressured to have her in it. She didn't want to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but after comments from the MIL felt obligated as she is the groom's only sister.

But maybe the MIL made the SIL be in the wedding for "Family Unity" and all that?

 

[Jynohn]

But maybe the MIL made the SIL be in the wedding for "Family Unity" and all that?

Hmmm....hadn't thought of that. I guess that's possible, but if that's the case she could have told her mother, "I didn't want to be in this thing and you made me do it, so you can help with the bill." Not that I really think her mother needs to be responsible for her debts, after all she's a 30 something year old woman, but if she's being passive-aggressive, it's against the wrong people. My other sister and I barely know this girl, and in fact made a special effort to make her feel included because we didn't want her to feel like we were making all the decisions without her.

 

[magicmato]

My other question, which I may have missed you say the answer, is:

Did this girl specificly say, "I agree to pay for a third of the shower." ?

If she did not say that, then it could be that she thought you were putting it on and just wanted her opinion?