Wedding shower vent (long!)

[Jynohn]

My sister is getting married in December. She has 3 bridesmaids, myself, my other sister and her future SIL. When it came time to start planning the shower, my sister and I tried contacting the SIL several times by phone and email but never heard back from her. We eventually started planning things on our own.

We decided on a date, picked a hall, etc. and then once again tried to contact her to make sure she agreed to the plans. We eventually heard back from her, after we had to call several more times because we didn't have addresses for people on her side of the family. At this point, the list of invites was getting out of hand, because her mom kept adding more and more people. We had over 75 people invited, over 2/3 of which were from her side of the family.

My sister and I started putting together a budget and broke down all the costs of the shower and emailed it to her. She finally responded and agreed to the costs, but did not at any point offer to help in any way. The day of the shower arrived, and not only did she not show up until after we had already set up everything and guests were arriving, but she also did not mention any of the money she owed us even though we had given her the final amount, which she agreed to. Worst of all, as soon as my sister was done opening her presents, the SIL stood up and said, "you don't mind if I leave do you? I have a football game to go to."

She had no problem sitting up in the front of the room accepting compliments for planning a nice shower and thank you's from my sister and her fiance, but did not even so much as lick a stamp to help, not to mention contribute a dime. I have not told my sister any of this because there's no need to add any more stress to her wedding planning, but my other sister and I are beyond angry and don't know how we should handle the financial matter, if at all.

We had originally wanted a small shower at my mom's house, but because of the size of the guest list had to go with a hall. When planning the budget, we had also planned to divide everything by 3, which the SIL agreed to, but it all ended up being paid by my sister and I, which was a little hard on us financially.

If you've read through this whole thing, would you pursue the situation and asking the SIL again for the money that she agreed to, or just keep quiet about the whole thing in the interest of family harmony? It's a fairly substantial amount of money ($600) but we don't want to upset our sister or her fiance over it either.

 

[Linzybrooke]

Definitely ask for the money. Remind that she agreed to the amount and if she had denied to pay that much ahead of time you would have limited the guest list and had the shower at your mothers home. She needs to pay you.

 

[SC Minnie]

I would send her another 'reminder' of the amount you are owed. This reminder would be a reply attached to the email where she agreed to pay 1/3.

 

[mrsltg]

Oh yeah - we're not talking $50 here - she owes you the money. I understand your concern with family issues but you *may* need to get your sister and her fiance involved if this woman doesn't come around to your way of thinking...

 

[dis-me]

If after further prompting she still doesn't pay you back, I would actually speak to your future BIL.
HOWEVER, I wouldn't say 'hey man, you're sister owes me money!'
I would be extra, super nice about it and say in your most polite, friendly tone that you are so so sorry to bother him but wasn't sure what else to do and can he offer you any advice? I'd perhaps add that you'd really appreciate his advice as you don't want the issue to be outstanding when the wedding comes around in case she (his sister) feels awkward about it.
Maybe it's weak of me to say I'd take this approach, but I honestly would and I have to admit I'd be as apologetic and gracious as possible in asking.

ETA: OP, I don't mean to suggest you have ANYTHING to apologise for, as you certainly don't - I'd just take the 'so sorry for bothering you' tone with your future BIL to make sure he can see you're the good guy in this.

 

[kelleigh1]

Based on the issues you've had in reaching her in the past, I might think about sending a certified letter to her with a copy of her agreement to pay and an "invoice" for costs incurred.

 

[hlbtimes2]

Does she owe you $600, as in you spent $1800 on a shower? Or does she owe you $200?

 

[disykat]

I agree she owes you money. I think, however, that she probably has no intention of paying anything and never did. I do think one part of your story isn't clear though. You said you picked the hall before you ever heard back from her, but that you only had it in the hall because of the numbers of people she (and her mom?) invited.

I think she purposely stayed out of it so she could claim no responsibility for costs. In her email, did she actually agree to paying 1/3 of the cost? I know many people who think that staying uninvolved absolves them of responsibility.

It sounds to me like this was a huge communication snafu. She probably agreed to be bridesmaid having no idea she was going to have to pay $600 for her share of a shower and handled it very poorly.

 

[Jynohn]

Does she owe you $600, as in you spent $1800 on a shower? Or does she owe you $200?

Unfortunately, she owes $600 as in we spent $1800 on the shower. We thought the cost was out of hand too, but part of that came down from the fact that the guest list grew to over 75 people, and also some "requests" from the fiance (bartender, etc.) that I didn't bring up here because those weren't the SIL's fault.

 

[lindakmonty]

wow...that's beyond rude! Yes, she definitely owes you. It sounds like she owes you $600 since you had to have a hall and all...but regardless... I would not just let it go. That is a lot of money just to blow off. Especially since you would have done it very differently if you would have known ahead of time. I feel your pain though. My step son just got married in Aug. I was a bridesmaid...and the matron of honor tried to give me a hard time The wedding was in August and she started sending me emails in Feb wanting to have it all planned and have the shower in April 4 months before the wedding I tried to explain that usually they're 4-6 weeks before the wedding but since she was buying food she wanted to have it the same time as her sons birthday party I paid for everything but the food but I wasn't even going to discuss $ w/her...she was just a nut case!! Good luck and don't back down

 

[Jynohn]

I agree she owes you money. I think, however, that she probably has no intention of paying anything and never did. I do think one part of your story isn't clear though. You said you picked the hall before you ever heard back from her, but that you only had it in the hall because of the numbers of people she (and her mom?) invited.

I think she purposely stayed out of it so she could claim no responsibility for costs. In her email, did she actually agree to paying 1/3 of the cost? I know many people who think that staying uninvolved absolves them of responsibility.

It sounds to me like this was a huge communication snafu. She probably agreed to be bridesmaid having no idea she was going to have to pay $600 for her share of a shower and handled it very poorly.

Sorry I was unclear in my earlier post. We got the guest list from the mom before we started planning, and when we saw the numbers we knew we'd have to have it in a hall. We have a small family and had less than 25 people to invite, that's why we thought we could get away with having it at my mom's to keep costs down. When we got his mom's list we knew it was too many people to have at home. Then the list continued to grow from there. There were over 75 people who showed up. That doesn't include the people who declined.

Before we committed to anything, my sister put together an excel spreadsheet detailing a cost breakdown and how much it would come out to divided by 3 people. The SIL agreed to that amount, but at no point offered to send a check.

I agree that $600 is a lot of money to spend on a shower. Believe me, my sister and I did everything we could to keep costs down, but with over 75 people it became like a wedding in itself! I even joked to my mother that we may as well call the priest and hire a band because all the guests were already there!

We would have had no problem if the SIL had said outright that the price was too high and she couldn't afford it. It's just the fact that she DID agree and then left my sister and I holding the bag...

 

[barkley]

i tend to think even if sent an itemized copy of the bill along with her email agreement to pay she won't. so unless you're ready/willing to pursue in small claims court it could be futile.

i would tend to think it might be a good idea to give your sister a heads up about the situation (but not ask her to get involved) in the event she is fronting any money for wedding expenses for this person (i've known brides that got burned big time by fronting the money for an attendant's dress with the promise of payment before the wedding, as the date nears they feel they have to hand over the dress or face going without that attendant. after the wedding the person opts either to ignore the situation totaly or hands them back an altered/soiled/unusable dress and says 'i decided i don't want it-so you can just keep it so i don't owe you anything' ).

btw- if the shower ended up this overblown i can't imagine what your sister (and whoevers paying for the wedding) are dealing with-$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

[SC Minnie]

If the SIL doesn't pay go to the mother that invited all the guests and tell her you could not get reimbursed from the daughter as she agreed to and ask for her help.

 

[minniecarousel]

Oh, my - yes, she owes you! How to get the $$$ from this deadbeat is a mystery to me too. Can you get her cellphone #? I would keep calling the witch 'til she paid up!!

 

[sammi]

You're darn right I'd ask her! What a terrible thing to do and then to sit and take the "pat on the backs" too! Ughhh.....

Good luck to you and your sister and it really sounds like you both did a lovely job and the bride-to-be enjoyed herself!

 

[Jynohn]

btw- if the shower ended up this overblown i can't imagine what your sister (and whoevers paying for the wedding) are dealing with-$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

That's another thread in itself! My parents are paying for the wedding. The groom's parents have already invited over 100 people and my sister told me yesterday that she asked her to let her know if she gets any declines because she wants to invite more. My parents have a very large home, and the grooms mother said to my sister, "why not, they can afford it."

Besides the fact that the size of my parents home doesn't mean that they have endless amounts of money to throw around (quite the opposite in fact) Regardless, who says something like that?

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I appreciate all the input!

 

[4cruisin]

I would send her another email requesting payment for the amount she agreed to pay which is the 1/3, but in all honesty, I think you and your sister will end up eating it. There is always one in every crowd.

I planned a shower for my bf several years ago. I was the matron of honor and there were 5 bridesmaids. (One was a jr bridesmaid and the daughter of one of the bridesmaids so I did not count her towards paying for the shower.) I contacted all the attendants to get together to plan the shower. Everyone was in agreement about everything but 1 attendant could never seem to make the meetings or respond to my phone calls. She knew what the cost would be etc and told us to just keep a running total of what she owed and she would give me a check at the end.

She showed up on the day of the shower about 5 minutes before the bride to be and then after the shower gave me about 1/4 of the money she agreed to pay and said to me "Oh, sorry, that's really all I can afford. Money is tight for me." I pointed out that $$ was tight for everyone but we all made an agreement and managed to come up with our share before the shower. Maybe she could just send me a few dollars here and there til her share was paid up?" Nope. 2 of the other girls found out what was going on and ended up trying to give me exta $$ for the loser not paying her share which I thought was very nice. Whenever I see this girl now, I really have to distance myself from her because I think she is such a jerk.

Hopefully the sil will pay her share. I thing the future bil should be told what is going on since you had extra expenses based on his requests. I would be very nice about it but I would mention to him that you are waiting to be paid for his sister's share of the shower.

 

[momof2inPA]

I would call her and tell her you are sending a letter again itemizing the cost and how much she owes, but $1800 is way too much for a shower, IMO-- and 75 guests are way too many.

 

[hlbtimes2]

Way too big of shower and way too many guests. I know you can't change that now, but if you find yourself in that boat again- don't do it! Divide the guests up and have more then one shower. When I got married I had one shower for my family and family friends, one for dh's family and family friends, and one for my personal friends/ coworkers.

If I were you, I would talk to your sister and the groom. Since it is his sister, and his mothers guests list, maybe his parents will help cover the bill.

 

[Magickndm]

Sounds like you needed to have 2 showers, one for your family, one for the inlaws.
I agree with the suggestion of sending her an email with the original where she agreed to pay attached. Just say something like you're sure she just forgot to pay (even though she probably didn't) and that everyone is settling up, when can you expect the payment.