Wedding Rehersal Dinner??

[Nancy]

This is news to me. All we had was the wedding party and their spouses and children.

I didn't know that either. We didn't have out of town guests at our dinner either.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Nancy,

The only out of town people we had were in the wedding party. My grandmother and stepsister and her husband. My grandmother came with my aunt and I didn't have her and her husband/kids there. They were on their own

 

[Keggy]

It is customary to have all out of town guests at the Rehearsal Dinner as well as the wedding party. This is not a new thing - it is tradition. I am going to a Destination Wedding in April and since the Destination is my hometown, we are the only people invited to the wedding that this would not apply to - but they invited us anyway!

To the OP: I would bring it up to your son and future DIL to let them know what you can afford towards the RD. Since you are covering so many of the costs that would typically be covered by her family, maybe her family can step up and voer the rest of the costs with the RD.

Kelly

 

[Mickey02]

I was not aware that all out of town guest were to be included either guess that is why I was stunned when she told me she wanted to invite everyone. She has a very good reason for wanting them all there. What about boyfriends of the bridesmaids are they suppose to be invited too?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

This is not a new thing - it is tradition.

Wow. I had just about the most traditional wedding you can come up with and I have never heard of this.

 

[Keggy]

So - I am wrong - I guess it is a new thing - my apologies about that! My sister is a wedding planner so I always take her word on wedding eitiquette! Guess I shouldn't!

OK - I looked it up and this one website says only if out of towners have come from really far away.

http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/r-dinner.htm

If your budget permits, a rehearsal dinner is a lovely way of "rewarding" your attendants and creating a stress-free environment to review wedding details. Such a dinner not only extends the festivities, but also allows you to offer hospitality to out-of-town guests who incur added expenses by attending your wedding.

According strictly to etiquette guidelines, out-of-town guests are not invited, unless they have come from very far away. The area of out-of-towners is one where the traditional parameters have been expanded, as more and more out-of-town guests are being invited routinely to rehearsal dinners, or in the alternative, an evening's entertainment is arranged especially for them.

Here is some advice about who to invite to the OP:

http://www.foreverwed1.com/articles/rehearsal/12548a.html

you don't have to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. From an etiquette point, you only need to invite: the wedding party and their spouses (if they are single, you do not need to let them bring a date unless they are engaged) parents of the bride and groom and any step-parents grandparents if they attend the rehearsal parents of the flower girl and ring bearer if you invite them (you can omit them if they are too young).

Of course - I always tell people that it is their wedding do what they want - how cares about what you are "suppossed" to do. It is your event - do what you want. Of course that means your son and daughter in law... not you. But seeing how they aren't paying - you should have a say!!!!!!

Kelly

 

[mtemm]

I was not aware that all out of town guest were to be included either guess that is why I was stunned when she told me she wanted to invite everyone. She has a very good reason for wanting them all there. What about boyfriends of the bridesmaids are they suppose to be invited too?

I have never been in a wedding or had my dh (or then boyfriend) be in a wedding that the other wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner, too. and when we were married we included spouses/significant others and out of town guests at the dinner.

eta, I really think you will cause less strife if you don't bring up the fact that you don't want to pay for out of town guests/boyfriends at the rehearsal and just set the budget of X amount. if they want to add to it in order to stay at the same venue with their desired number of guests, then all is well. they may choose a simpler dinner instead.

 

[MrsPete]

Yes, you should include the out-of-town guests, etc. If you've determined that you can afford X amount for the rehearsal dinner, then I'd suggest paring down the rehearsal dinner plans to something that can be done for X amount. YOU decide where it's going to be, however, and YOU have complete control over the menu, etc. Yes, it's polite to ask their input, but ultimately you have complete veto power.

You could have BBQ brought into the church fellowship hall very inexpensively. This would allow you to bring in your own desserts and drinks, which could equal a big savings. Perhaps you could ask a couple family friends to help set out and serve. Were you planning to serve alcohol? This isn't a necessity, and cutting it out could really slash your budget. Since the wedding will be formal, I think people would enjoy a casual evening before.

I think the problem originated from taking on some of THEIR financial responsibilities before making completely certain you were good for YOUR responsibilities. Yes, it was very nice of you, but it doesn't mean that they're now obligated to pick up a portion of the rehearsal dinner tab. If I were the bride's parents, I would assume that when you said "yes" to paying for the previously mentioned items, it meant that you were able to pay for the rehearsal dinner PLUS those items. That probably would've been the time to say, "We'll be glad to pick up the cost of ____, but if we do it means that the rehearsal dinner must be rather simple."

 

[rt2dz]

As far as out of town guests & tradition v. new thing--it's in every wedding ettiquette book I have ever seen. And I've gone through a lot, plus I'm a trained event planner (occassionally now, SAHM really) and have done the wedding planning programs. I know some people do not invite them, but it is not the standard/traditional ettiquette. I'm sure there is some source out there that says not to, maybe not inviting out of town guests is becoming more standard because people are having more out of town guests. And by out or town guests, it means people who must fly in or drive exteremly long distances, not those with just a couple of hours drive.

Inviting spouses & finances is a must. BF/GF is your judgement, not required. Children is also judgement. We didn't invite children to our wedding because of limited space and not a child friendly/safe enviroment (reception was on a paddle boat), but we did to the rehearsal dinner.

 

[Disneyrsh]

It is customary to include guest of the wedding party and all out of town guests.

That would have been EVERYONE who went to my wedding!

Is the whole cowboy show thing going to be so loud you won't be able to talk over it? People love to catch up at rehearsal dinners, show pictures, etc...

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Wow, you're GOOD! My in-laws contributed NOTHING to the wedding (MIL even wore the same dress she wore to her two DDs' weddings...but they go on cruises and major trips every year ), and wanted to invite only the wedding party to a rehearsal party restaurant affair. I told my now DH to straighten her out on etiquette...my 5 Jr Bridesmaids were my nieces, from out of state, so they and their parents (two sets) were going to definitely be coming a day early...I wasn't going to have my 2 brothers and their wives drop their kids off, and pick them up when it was over. Plus, I didn't want to be responsible for 5 kids trying to find restaurant food that they liked. So they switched to a backyard affair, and invited them.

I personally would not have expected them to invite all out of town guests, since every single relative of mine was from out of town, as well as many of his. However, most of them came the day of the wedding, which was at 4:00 PM.

 

[pooh4evr]

Well what are the Bride and Groom paying for we paid for the photos, cake, invitations, church and put down all of the deposits FIL paid for the rehearsal which was about 50 people (wedding party and dates, some out of town family grandparents, godparents and Priest) at a resturant I think it was about $1500 ? My mom paid for reception, DJ, party bus and flowers- I think if the B& G are not paying for anything the can certainly pay for part of the night.

 

[princess pooh]

I would just be honest with your son and FDIL about the cost and see if you can all come up with a solution. For my own rehearsal dinner I thought it would be nice to take everyone to a restaurant or rent a party room, but it turned out to be too expensive. We ended up with deli and fruit platters at my mil's house and it turned out great. There was plenty of food, the guests felt comfortable, and I was thrilled to be spending time with my out of town friends and family. It wasn't what I had dreamed about but everything worked out for the best.

 

[lbgraves]

This is news to me. All we had was the wedding party and their spouses and children.

I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be the only one who has only heard of it being this way. There is no way that we could have or would have invited all of our out of town guests to the rehersal dinner. Over 75% of the people invited were from out of town. DH & I paid for our own wedding & all of the expenses. We had the dinner at the house and did let all family members who were not in the wedding know that they were welcome to stop by the house for drinks & desert after 7 pm or so. We had the dinner at 6. That allowed us to visit with more people a little more relaxed than at the reception.

 

[Madaboutthemouse]

My IL's paid for our rehearsal dinner at a small Italian restaurant. We invited 3 sets of parents (mine are divorced and remarried), 7 grandparents, 5 bridesmaids, 5 groomsmen (sibs were in the wedding party), 3 step-sibs, one aunt (who was a scripture reader) and her husband, another aunt who escorted DH's widower grandfather, plus DH and I. None of our wedding party/step-sibs had steady SO's and we didn't invite the kids of my aunt. We also invited the priest, but he had to say Mass later that evening so he declined.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters who've said that you should tell your son and future DIL, "This is how much money I can contribute to the dinner." and let them decide (1) who they are going to invite and (2) where they are going to have the dinner.

For mine and my brother's weddings, my Dad told each of us, "I'll give you a gift of $1000 to spend however you want." That $1000 went pretty far at my small wedding and probably didn't cover the bar tab at my brother's wedding.

DH and I have already decided that we'll do the same thing with our kids -- give them each X dollars to spend however they see fit.

 

[hdecker]

We just went through this. DDIL's family would not pay for anything involving the wedding - I mean nothing - nor did they help with decorating etc. Then when it came time for the rehearsal dinner, they started inviting every backwoods relative they could find because - hey - it's free food. DS put the brakes on that one and decided that he would have pizza in the church's fellowship hall instead of the restaurant we had planned on. Not as many showed up but that side of the family sure wanted to know what we planned on doing with the extra pizza.