Wedding question? *UPDATE POST 64*

[disneystacy]

That works too.

However you run into the problem of the mother dragging this out and turning the knife by punishing the OP. And obviously she is going to do it thru her dad. She is pretty crafty with her skill.

I don't know if that is the way to go for the OP considering her circumstances. It sounds like more aggravation than it is worth.

Cutting people out takes alot of energy and doesn't sound like she has any to spare.

Yes, when my mother knows deep down she is wrong, she sends out my dad to fight the battle and then she plays innocent.
My mother has a right and wrong book. Everything she does or thinks is right and everything she deems wrong is wrong. She constantly watches what everyone else is doing and weighs in on what you should be doing and how to do it. If you don't listen to what she says she takes it as a personal attack.
She is of the mindset of she is the mom, you must obey.

 

[michellev]

Have you spoken to your sister? I would work things out with her (it sounds like she was fine with you leaving until your mom became involved) and then speak to your parents.

I've helped load gifts, etc. after a wedding and it does not take that many people or all that long to do it. It really shouldn't have mattered whether you were there or not.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Apparently from my dads email response:

"This was your sisters wedding day. You don't care about her feelings as well as your mom and mine".

Remember, hubby left at 8:45, I left at 10:00 and the wedding ended at 10:30.

It seems my mother has spun this way out of control.

Funny thing is neither one of them knows how sick my husband was (the fact that he left the wedding a hour earlier than I did should tell you something and that I could have easily spent the night at the hospital had he spiked a fever).
My dad kissed me goodbye that evening and told me to tell my hubby to feel better, wow what a change of opinion.

I have to tell you, I am fuming mad and I feel I have every right to be.

I think they expect a apology....are they kidding? If anyone deserves a apology its me.
They are my parents but for some reason they still think I need to ask permission to come and go.

They haven't said anything to my brother, probably because they know he will tell them to "stick it".

What makes it even worse is that my hubby has CANCER a incurable kind(though it can be put into remission). Are they kidding me with this nonesense?

I will not be sending them any other emails, but I'm sure I will receiving a phone call soon.

What do I say?

I would immediately let them know they are OUT OF LINE. Immediately.

That seems to be the key with folks. Then they can argue how they are not--but at that point I won't care.

They are being passive aggressive. They didn't address this ahead of time. They are addressing it days later.

I would also ask your sister personally after the honeymoon if she was offended. She can choose to be honest and let you know "yes or no". It would be up to her.

Your family is OUT OF LINE.

There is a book called "Boundaries"--it may be worth a read. I believe it is by Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud (clout?).

Your family is not only wrong--they are dead wrong.

My mother has picked up this behavior and I nipped it in the bud immediately. It is my life and I don't care if I have to miss an event or leave it early b/c I have to pick my nose.

If an event conflicts with something in my life in ANY way--that is my decision. As long as I handle it properly (to miss or leave it early) it is MY business.

I would end the discussion immediately with you parents after telling them they are out of line.

They may go all 10 commandment on you--and you can say that you are honoring them. You are honoring them by refusing to engage in any type of argument or passive agressive behavior which is neither healthy nor honoring of them.

I know what I'd really tell them--but I don't want to offend you. I just hope they don't try to pay you back.

 

[1stluvispooh]

DisneyStacy I am so sorry you are going through this. It is the last thing anyone needs but your plate is over full at the moment. My only piece of advise I can give you is.... Strong boundaries. Meaning set a amount of time that you are willing to talk to your parents or until blank happens then say. "Sorry mom I wish I had more time but the kids need me, I'm cooking dinner, get ready to take someone somewhere whatever. Or when all else fails I always tell my mother to talk to my brother. In my case that works!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

Mom/Dad--you are out of line.


And if you are feeling particularly brave....

"My sister is a big girl and if she has an issue with it she can speak to me directly. Until then, my husband with __________ cancer that could end his life trumps while he is feeling deathly ill from the chemotherapy that is trying to save his life."

*click*

Then--under no circumstances do you ever speak of this event again. If they bring it up--say that the matter has been settled and you will hang up if they choose to press the issue.

Then in the future--hang up immediately when they start talking about it.


While I do not have a husband with cancer--my mom called me at 10pm on a Sunday night b/c I didn't go to an event for my brother. We were in Magic Kindgom and had no plans to go to his event b/c our dates conflicted. Sure he lives in Orlando--but that was irrelevant. Our plans had been made months ahead of time and the event was not an urgent need to attend. I also let her know that had it been anyone else in my life, we would have not attended those events either.

I ended the convo with "you are out of line" and then hung up. All future conversations were as if that never occurred and it isn't brought up at all. I stood my ground.

 

[disneystacy]

Have you spoken to your sister? I would work things out with her (it sounds like she was fine with you leaving until your mom became involved) and then speak to your parents.

I've helped load gifts, etc. after a wedding and it does not take that many people or all that long to do it. It really shouldn't have mattered whether you were there or not.

Everyone was fine with me leaving until my mother got involved. My mother was the last person I said goodbye to since she was in the ladies room.

My sister came by my house the following morning to meet my niece(brothers baby) for the first time(another long story) and to drop off cupcakes from the wedding. She was cold to me at first, but then she saw my hubby sprawled out sick on the couch, after making small talk, my hubby excused himself to go upstairs to sleep (this was at 10:00 am).
My sister never said a word about being upset.
If I was my sister, I would have immediately called my parents and told them to back off, but the way my family works, each sibling is happy the heat is off them for awhile. Very sad.

 

[TriMom]

This is wonderful, but I will never make it past "you cannot understand" without the ranting and raving starting.
She or my dad will never "come to their senses".
They are the type of people that once they feel wronged, they will beat you down and won't even listen to your side of the story.They are of the mindset "everybody is out to get them". They don't talk to many people in the family because of this attitude.
They also need someone to blame for a wedding full of one disaster after another and they very well can't tell my sister her wedding was horrible (well at least not yet, I'm sure they will). Believe me, my brother and I leaving early even without reason pales in comparison at some of the events of the day.
I also truly feel that they think this was all a fake excuse to leave early. Like hubby and I planned this in advance that he would fake being sick from chemo.

I know exactly what you are going through - you have a few options:

1. - status quo: you accept your ranting, apologize for leaving early, for all bad decisions, and even for the way the earth rotates. You tell her exactly what she wants to hear. Hang up the phone, call her a hag in your mind, get back to your daily living until the next big event comes up and do it all again.

2. follow the great advice of "I am sorry you are upset" repeated at every pause until mom is so frustrated she hangs up the phone


3. Attempt to explain to mom your situation, and ask for her support in how difficult your life is right now.


My DH does not have a cancer hug: again), but he does have a chronic deablitiating disease that has totally changed how I thought my life would turn out, and it's hard. I know how hard this is on you and your DH. I personally am at option 1. I don't have the time or energy to deal with all of my mom's nonsense. I give her lip service and don't think about her again until the next crisis comes up. This works for me because I have wonderful friends who have stepped up and are filling in for family with love and support and actual help. I don't think we will ever get to the point where mom is supportive or understanding, and I just don't have the mental strength or energy right now to change our behavior pattern. And I will be honest, part of it is that I don't value the relationship enough to put any work into it.

What you need to ask yourself is to you want a real relationship with your mom. And be honest with yourself! If you need to be in a relationship with mom, then you need to go with "I am sorry you are upset" I also recommend a great book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It will help you change your behaviors so mom current tactics become worthless. But it will take some work, and some standing up to manipulation.

If you don't want/need a real relationship with mom, then I would do whatever it takes to get this over with quickly. It is so draining when the pointless drama and conflict go on for days. Play her game. Tell her what she wants to hear, and then don't think about again - ever. You are in the right, and you are the only one who has to feel good about your actions. It doesn't matter if she thinks you are wrong. It doesn't matter what she thinks about you. She is just this crazy lady who happens to have your phone number and you pity her enough to listen to her rant for a few minutes every week.

Good luck - You so don't need this drama right now

ETA - I want to stress that if you tell her what she want to hear - you have to look at it as the crazy lady who you pity. You can't go into this thinking that apologizing will make mom anything. You have to do this with no emotion. This will not make mom love you, respect you, or care about you. It is simply the path of lest resistance to get an annoyance out of your life for a few minutes.

 

[EthansMom]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

When anyone starts being unreasonable (screaming, yelling, calling me names, etc...) on the phone, I say, "I need to go now. Bye," and hang up. Then, I don't answer the phone if it rings immediately. There's no way you can reason with someone when they are being unreasonable and there's no reason to accept someone treating your poorly.

I do agree with previous posters who said that your brother doesn't get treated this way because he won't take it. If you stop allowing your parents to treat you badly then they will be forced to take their problems out on on someone else.

 

[esbrick]

I do agree with previous posters who said that your brother doesn't get treated this way because he won't take it. If you stop allowing your parents to treat you badly then they will be forced to take their problems out on on someone else.

It sounds cliché but the only person's behavior you can change is your own. At one point or another we have all been in contact with what I call "poisonous people". They will suck you dry cause they are so miserable. 2 years ago I made the decision to leave one relationship and put boundaries on an acquaintance. Both relationships were having a negative impact on my family life and that was unacceptable. One person was a pathological liar a person I thought I could trust but found out she manipulated the truth and was not dependable. I cut her out and now have minimal contact at best. The other is my DSD's mother. I can't cut her out of our lives but I can change how I deal with her. She is not a happy person and crossed some VERY serious lines. After the second one I needed to change my relationship with her. Believe it or not WE are all much happier (I knock wood now, I'm always on alert) We coexist and we make our own decision based on what is good for us knowing it will never make her happy. Something recently came up. It started innocent enough but has not worked out so well. Once shame on you, twice shame on me. This is an avoidable thing and I chose to change things to avoid negativity on both sides. No one gets hurt so it is a win/ win.
I pray for you and your family. It sounds like with so much else going on this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for you and you are overwhelmed. Give yourself a break and breath. This does not and will not be resolved today if ever. You cannot fix them you can only fix how you react to them. Believe me, easier said than done but doable!

 

[diznygirl]

I'm not surprised this has escalated. You sent the email - you gave them something to react to. So now they have your words to throw back at you.

Mystery Machine is right - you are playing the game with them. Stop Playing. When they call, act nice. If the ranting starts tell them you aren't having that conversation. Hang up. Don't answer the phone. Don't send any more emails. Tell the DIS how you feel, but don't talk to them.

You know your mom will be upset about something anyway. And you will never be able to fix it. So stop. Eventually she will focus on something/someone else if she can't engage you.

FYI: I'm talking from experience. My mother is a lot like yours. I'm the one she doesn't mess with - she gives all the grief to my brothers.

 

[horseshowmom]

"I'm sorry you are upset" got it.

When the screaming starts and the telling of what I did wrong starts what do I then say?

As EthansMom said, say, "I have to go now."

You only say "I am sorry you are upset." DO NOT say anything else or engage any further topics.

The less you say the more you gain an upper hand. It is an empowering position.

I mentioned someone in a previous post who was difficult and very negative. I did the same thing that was mentioned above. When the phone conversation started that way, I would politely end the conversation. After numerous calls ending this way, the person began to realize that I was not going to "play the game" anymore, and the situation did improve.

 

[disneystacy]

I heard from my brother, my parents have not said a word to him. He is ready for them if they do. Unbelievable.

He is going to say his standard "I am sorry you feel that way, but it is what it is".

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I heard from my brother, my parents have not said a word to him. He is ready for them if they do. Unbelievable.

He is going to say his standard "I am sorry you feel that way, but it is what it is".

Good line.

You are ready as well. Time to build your muscles and it will get easier to handle situations with her as you gain confidence.

Key is to not engage even though you want to. You can complain here.

Oh and another tip is to not talk about this with your brother and DH again. That tends to fuel your misery.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Apparently from my dads email response:

"This was your sisters wedding day. You don't care about her feelings as well as your mom and mine".

Remember, hubby left at 8:45, I left at 10:00 and the wedding ended at 10:30.

It seems my mother has spun this way out of control.

Funny thing is neither one of them knows how sick my husband was (the fact that he left the wedding a hour earlier than I did should tell you something and that I could have easily spent the night at the hospital had he spiked a fever).
My dad kissed me goodbye that evening and told me to tell my hubby to feel better, wow what a change of opinion.

I have to tell you, I am fuming mad and I feel I have every right to be.

I think they expect a apology....are they kidding? If anyone deserves a apology its me.
They are my parents but for some reason they still think I need to ask permission to come and go.

They haven't said anything to my brother, probably because they know he will tell them to "stick it".

What makes it even worse is that my hubby has CANCER a incurable kind(though it can be put into remission). Are they kidding me with this nonesense?

I will not be sending them any other emails, but I'm sure I will receiving a phone call soon.

What do I say?

Does your dad not know your husband has cancer? That's the only thing I can think of to excuse this nonsense.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

When they call, just tell him your husband has cancer. When he tuts and says again your behavior was wrong tell him again your husband has cancer.

I applaud your husband for having the strenth to stay as long as he could.

Oh, and what does the bride think about all of this?

 

[keenercam]

What finally worked for me after years of failing to meet my parents' expectations:
"I'm sorry you were upset. That wasn't my intention. I love you, but I am not going to discuss this any further."

That is it.

Good luck. Once you stand up for yourself, you'll find they step on you less. It's hard for someone to step on someone who isn't lying down for it.

 

[Stitchfans]

I heard from my brother, my parents have not said a word to him. He is ready for them if they do. Unbelievable.

He is going to say his standard "I am sorry you feel that way, but it is what it is".

Yep, great line. I'd use it word for word. You are in a no win situation, so take your brother's line and attitude, for this and every other situation that arises from now on. JMHO

 

[Keli]

Do your parents feel that they and your sister knocked themselves out for your wedding and that you and your brother didn't do enough when it was your sister's turn to get married?
It just seems like all this anger and antimosity has to be about more than leaving a few minutes early from the reception when your dh was sick.
Either way there's nothing you can do now to make them happy, you should just be polite when they call, give a general "I'm sorry you and dsis were hurt" and get off the phone quickly if it goes downhill.
And be glad you live 500 miles away, lol.

 

[disneystacy]

Do your parents feel that they and your sister knocked themselves out for your wedding and that you and your brother didn't do enough when it was your sister's turn to get married?
It just seems like all this anger and antimosity has to be about more than leaving a few minutes early from the reception when your dh was sick.
Either way there's nothing you can do now to make them happy, you should just be polite when they call, give a general "I'm sorry you and dsis were hurt" and get off the phone quickly if it goes downhill.
And be glad you live 500 miles away, lol.

My sister was young when I got married (19) but my husband and I hired people to do everything. My family did not have to lift a finger and were just able to enjoy themselves.

 

[disneystacy]

Does your dad not know your husband has cancer? That's the only thing I can think of to excuse this nonsense.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

When they call, just tell him your husband has cancer. When he tuts and says again your behavior was wrong tell him again your husband has cancer.

I applaud your husband for having the strenth to stay as long as he could.

Oh, and what does the bride think about all of this?

Yes my dad knows he has cancer.

When I left that night, I went up do my dad and I told him "I am going to go, Steven is really sick and I want to make sure he is ok, will I be seeing you before your flight tomorrow?" He said " oh ok, tell Steven I hope he feels better, we have a early flight, so we probably won't be stopping by" Kiss and hug goodbye. That is how it went with the groom, bride, my parents friends and the grooms immediate family.
My mother was the only one who started giving me trouble about what I was "suppose" to do.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

You do not deserve to be having to deal with this from your parents right now.

Keep that in your mind, build up your courage, and REFUSE to discuss this with them beyond saying "I'm sorry you are so upset" and "I absolutely cannot deal with this now so unless there is something else we can discuss, I have to get off the phone."

I realize that I am not in your shoes, but recently I did find myself in a situation where I was dealing with DH spending a month in the hospital having multiple surgeries while I had a 1-month-old baby and a three-year-old at home. One of my in-laws was giving me a hard time about something. Normally I avoid conflict and definitely approach my in-laws with the highest level of respect and politeness. But I found myself saying, "I am handling the maxumum amount of stress I can right now and you are not helping. I need you to either help me or leave." I don't know where that came from, but it was the best thing I could have done at the time.