Wedding question? *UPDATE POST 64*

[The Mystery Machine]

I should also add by "cleanup crew", I meant carry out wedding gifts, pack up all the items(centerpieces, extra food) that would be going back to her house, waiting until the vendors were paid etc. I don't think it would have been mopping, but you never know with my sister.

My mother had the nerve to say as I was leaving " you leave your husband all the time when he is sick from chemo" which is completely false and how would she know living 500 miles away and to my brother said "why do you need to get home to your baby, she is in daycare during the week" Mind you she was with the sitter (new) for 9 hours already when we left the wedding. So if you have a child in daycare you shouldn't need to see it.

OP, this is not normal thinking. Is she always like this or was this wedding day fuzzies in her mind?

 

[Claire L]

Sounds perfectly fine to me both had responsibilities that were more important that helping to clear up.

Best wishes to you all

Claire

 

[disneystacy]

OP, this is not normal thinking. Is she always like this or was this wedding day fuzzies in her mind?

She pretty much is always like that. She assumes (you know what happens when you assume) she knows whats really going on and likes to point out what everyone is doing wrong(in her mind). Its like she has a book of rules and if you don't follow what she thinks you should be doing, she lets you know you are wrong.

The saddest thing is if you even question why she is doing something her standard answer is "don't question what I'm doing".

 

[EthansMom]

I should also add by "cleanup crew", I meant carry out wedding gifts, pack up all the items(centerpieces, extra food) that would be going back to her house, waiting until the vendors were paid etc. I don't think it would have been mopping, but you never know with my sister.

My mother had the nerve to say as I was leaving " you leave your husband all the time when he is sick from chemo" which is completely false and how would she know living 500 miles away and to my brother said "why do you need to get home to your baby, she is in daycare during the week" Mind you she was with the sitter (new) for 9 hours already when we left the wedding. So if you have a child in daycare you shouldn't need to see it.

Totally inappropriate on your mother's part! You were guests at that wedding the same as everyone else.

If you had been asked to stay and help with clean up prior to the event... and had agreed to do so... then it would have been rude to leave early without a good excuse (sick husband from chemo is a perfectly acceptable reason to leave early even in this event, IMO).

But, neither of you had been asked to help out. I'm sure that if you had been asked beforehand, you both would have said that you were not able to stay late due to your commitments to your families.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She pretty much is always like that. She assumes (you know what happens when you assume) she knows whats really going on and likes to point out what everyone is doing wrong(in her mind). Its like she has a book of rules and if you don't follow what she thinks you should be doing, she lets you know you are wrong.

The saddest thing is if you even question why she is doing something her standard answer is "don't question what I'm doing".

So you are saying that she lacks empathy to your situation. That is more of a personality disorder.

Here is how you look at it. You pity her for being so out of touch with people. It must truely be a lonely existence to not be able to connect with people on that level.

It is sad.

 

[aprilgail2]

Your mom was out of line. They should be happy that you even came at all - I would have left when my husband left too if he was sick. As far as your brother I would not have left my 12 week infant home all those hours just to go to a wedding either!

 

[DisneymoonJess07]

My husband and I were a groomsman and a bridesmaid at a dear friends wedding about a month ago. We were thrilled to be there, and had made a special trip to Denver for the wedding.

We were also the only set of the bridal party to stay till the very end. The grooms stepbrother has children, so that made sense, but the other groomsman had barely been there for the wedding and as far as we know, everyone was healthy and happy. Of the other bridesmaids, one was dealing with a husband who wasn't doing well in altitude, and the other had other family in town that she was trying to deal with. However, there was the matron of honor that, as far as we knew, didn't have other responsibilities and left much earlier than everyone else. Those two were hard on us (the vanishing groomsman and the matron of honor) but we didn't begrudge anyone else leaving earlier.

So, in response, with those extenuating circumstances (baby, chemo, etc) it was totally appropriate to leave. If you are in the bridal party and just decide to leave early, I feel like that's maybe not in the spirit of the day. I would hope that, without pressing family engagements or other things of that nature, you wouldn't just leave as a member of the bridal/grooms party.

 

[disneystacy]

Here is a copy of the email I sent to my parents. I cannot deal with my mother on the phone as she sucks me into situations where I need to defend myself and I never get everything I want to say out:

Mom and Dad,

After speaking with Dad this morning I am truly confused as to why anyone is questioning my actions for leaving 1/2 hour early from Suzy's wedding. I made it extremely clear that I would be doing what was best for my family that day and I am very sorry that you choose to question my decisions. You don't like when people question your decisions, but feel the need to question mine. If you feel my reasons are not valid, than that is your belief and your issue. I am moving on and not going to address this again.

If you are frustrated by the wedding day events I suggest you either talk to the person who was making all the decisions or move on as well. Stu and I leaving a little early seems like displaced frustration over the whole day and I understand and will leave it at that.

I asked Suzy on numerous occasions what was expected of me and my family that day, none of which was clearly answered, but being part of "cleanup crew" was never mentioned. If that was the case, I would have tried to make other arrangements or told her it wouldn't be possible. Choosing to compare what was done at my wedding 13 years ago is reaching at best(2 single siblings vs. sibling with kids and illness). I was not upset in the least when Mark and Kathleen(my sil and bil) left early to take the kids back to the hotel , I knew that was a possibility with kids.

Steven left the wedding early, that should tell you something about how he was feeling. I question how long you or dad would have stayed at a wedding if one of you were home ill. I really find it upsetting that you are more concerned about us leaving a little early than how Steven was doing. I do not think it was appropriate at all to be questioned while leaving why I would want to go home to check on my husband who was ill or why Stu would care about getting home to Elli because "after all she is in daycare all day". Again I will take this as frustration with the days events.

I tried my best to be as accomadating as possible. When I tried to question Suzy what we were doing that day I was greeted and told of magic second church parking lots, secret church side entrances and non exsistent bridal suites and a "wedding organizer" who told my family and I to wait in the basement. We did what we were told by the people Suzy put in charge. If those actions were not correct, again its displaced frustration and should be focused on the people who made all the decisions.

I didn't know staying to the very end was something I was "suppose" to do as nothing that evening was typical at all. I was not the host of this event and also not a mind reader.

My family and I did everything that was expected of us with the information we were given. We waited until all events where completed (cutting cake, bride dance, groom dance, open dancing etc). We also waited until a good number of people had already left before saying goodbye to all the key people including Betty and Gerald.(grooms parents)

You can choose to focus on the expectations you had and how they were not met or you can let it go. Either way I will not be addressing it nor do I need to defend my actions. The wedding day had tons of problems much bigger than Stu and I leaving a little early to get back to a baby and sick husband.

Stu had his own reasons for leaving early, I had nothing to do with it, you will have to address your issues with him if you choose to continue this path.


Stacy

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

12 week old baby trumps, sorry.


Hopefully Bride and Groom are understanding.

I had my own issues at an event recently and my mother was the safeguard. If folks had issues with what I had to do, that is certainly their opinion. But she made sure they didn't share it with me.


It is very Bridezilla to make expectations of anyone in attendance. If she all she cared about was cleanup, she could have hired Molly Maids to be the bridesmaids.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Their other option was to have allowed your baby to attend the wedding.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

what you did was perfectly acceptable

 

[disneystacy]

12 week old baby trumps, sorry.


Hopefully Bride and Groom are understanding.

I had my own issues at an event recently and my mother was the safeguard. If folks had issues with what I had to do, that is certainly their opinion. But she made sure they didn't share it with me.


It is very Bridezilla to make expectations of anyone in attendance. If she all she cared about was cleanup, she could have hired Molly Maids to be the bridesmaids.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Their other option was to have allowed your baby to attend the wedding.

The baby was invited, but my brother ans his wife felt it was best that she stay with a sitter, being that it was July in the South(hot), multiple locations (Church, picture location outdoors and reception). The reception hall had no separate quiet room for the baby to sleep and blasting DJ and baby do not mix. My brother and his wife were treating as a night out as well.

 

[diznygirl]

In my experience it's never good to put anything in writing. You should have just ignored her. (A response sort of makes it seem like you actually care about what she's saying). Blow her off and don't let it get to you. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In my experience it's never good to put anything in writing. You should have just ignored her. (A response sort of makes it seem like you actually care about what she's saying). Blow her off and don't let it get to you. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

I do have to agree there 100%. Never EVER put anything in writing.

And also, stop playing with her. She has a character/personality issue. This is what people like her feed off of.

Have you ever heard the expression, "the monster that grows, is the monster that you feed"?

Stop feeding the monster.

 

[onelilspark]

I can't imagine the stress you must be under, a husband undergoing chemo and a mother more concerned about leaving than his health?

Good luck. If you've already sent the email, anytime your mother brings it up, just say, "I've already addressed it, I'm done talking about it."

 

[disneystacy]

I do have to agree there 100%. Never EVER put anything in writing.

And also, stop playing with her. She has a character/personality issue. This is what people like her feed off of.

Have you ever heard the expression, "the monster that grows, is the monster that you feed"?

Stop feeding the monster.

Normally I would agree, but my mother will keep bringing up this nonsense at every turn. If I tell her like it is she backs off. I will not be discussing this with her. I have better things to do(like get my hubby through his illness). I feel that if anyone has the right to be upset its my brother and I at her appalling behavior, but I am willing to let it go. I am not looking for her to come to her senses because it will never happen, I just want her to know that I find her behavior unacceptable and I will not be discussing it further.
I have no problem putting things in writing, because its the truth.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Do you think it is appropriate for sister of the bride (matron of honor) and brother of the bride(groomsman) to leave the wedding a half hour early (after all the cake cutting, dances etc are completed) to get home to a infant (12 weeks old) and a hubby sick from chemo(unexpected, was doing ok and left wedding a hour prior) or are they expected to stay until the end and then help "clean up" no matter what, even though they were not told this was what was expected?


Thanks for any opinions.

No based on both situations it's very understandable that they left early.

 

[disneystacy]

I can't imagine the stress you must be under, a husband undergoing chemo and a mother more concerned about leaving than his health?

Good luck. If you've already sent the email, anytime your mother brings it up, just say, "I've already addressed it, I'm done talking about it."

That is exactly what I plan to say.

I just posted to make sure I really wasn't doing something terrible by leaving early due to my hubbies illness. I kind of figured I wasn't.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Normally I would agree, but my mother will keep bringing up this nonsense at every turn. If I tell her like it is she backs off. I will not be discussing this with her. I have better things to do(like get my hubby through his illness). I feel that if anyone has the right to be upset its my brother and I at her appalling behavior, but I am willing to let it go. I am not looking for her to come to her senses because it will never happen, I just want her to know that I find her behavior unacceptable and I will not be discussing it further.
I have no problem putting things in writing, because its the truth.

We will have to agree to disagree on the writing part. I prefer to discuss it.

Take comfort in the fact that she is in the wrong here and try and think of the positive.

 

[PaulaSue]

I would be thankfully they even came and not expect them to stay and clean-up.

 

[disneystacy]

We will have to agree to disagree on the writing part. I prefer to discuss it.

Take comfort in the fact that she is in the wrong here and try and think of the positive.

I prefer to discuss things as well, but my mother needs clear boundaries set. I have learned years ago through therapy that dicussion is not possible with her. You cannot enter into a discussion with someone who is incapable of listening and only wants control.

Thanks for the hug.