Wedding question? *UPDATE POST 64*

[alexandria674]

The siblings should be able to go home, I mean, there are issues at home that need to be tooken care of and I would think it would be selfish to expect otherwise. If it were my wedding and my siblings wanted to go home after the whole cake debacle I would not have an issue with it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I prefer to discuss things as well, but my mother needs clear boundaries set. I have learned years ago through therapy that dicussion is not possible with her. You cannot enter into a discussion with someone who is incapable of listening and only wants control.

Thanks for the hug.

I find control freaks to be easily manipulated. It is like shooting fish in a barrel for me. However a control person would not try to manipulate us because they know better.

And with your situation, how I would have handled it was to totally ignore her and then you say, "I am sorry you are upset" and that is all you say.
In other words you do not give her the attention that she is demanding.

By writing to her you continue to give her the upper hand. That is just how I see it.

 

[jodifla]

OP, you were for sure not in the wrong. And unless the bride had worked it out with the wedding party beforehand that they would be cleaning crew, there was no reason for you to stay. I guess I've never been in a wedding party that was expected to do cleanup (and I was a bridesmaid 4 times in about 9 months). Now, for one wedding, the wedding party did decorate the reception hall the night before, but no clean up.

We had a do it yourself wedding. The wedding party stayed to clean up -- including me in my wedding dress!

All except for one girl, who didn't want to stay. She said it wasn't her place to clean up. I said well gee, thanks for standing up for me!

All my other "FRIENDS" helped happily. She's history now.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thank you for your opinions. My mother is fit to be tied that my brother and I left my sisters wedding 1/2 hour early to check on my hubby, my 2 year old and my brothers child (who was left with a babysitter).

I'm sorry she's upset, but I don't think either you or your brother did anything wrong. Your mother should consider the situation instead of just being mad because you weren't there to work.

Ok off topic :
When my dd got married, my FIL ( my dd paw-paw) left the wedding right after the cermony to get to home depot/ lowes before they closed.

This sounds like something my own dad would do.

I was amazed that he did as well as he did at our daughter's wedding last month. I think the main reason he handled it as well as he did was because we had him drive the golf cart around for the wedding party as the photographers made pictures!

 

[Allison]

I'm just curious if your sister even cared about you leaving or is mom the only one making an unjust stink about this?

 

[horseshowmom]

I find control freaks to be easily manipulated. It is like shooting fish in a barrel for me. However a control person would not try to manipulate us because they know better.

And with your situation, how I would have handled it was to totally ignore her and then you say, "I am sorry you are upset" and that is all you say.
In other words you do not give her the attention that she is demanding.

By writing to her you continue to give her the upper hand. That is just how I see it.

OP, I certainly won't tell you how to handle your mother, but I would take the same strategy as The Mystery Machine. I have someone in my circle with similar characteristics. I finally just refused to engage in in discussion with them concerning "their" issue. It really did work for me (although it did frustrate the other person until they finally gave up).

Best wishes for your husband!

 

[pigletgirl]

If after everything important was over like speeches and whatnot, I would be just fine with it.

 

[C.Ann]

OP, I have someone in my circle with similar characteristics. I finally just refused to engage in in discussion with them concerning "their" issue.

Very wise words - and precisely the way some people need (and should) be handled..

 

[figment52]

Under those circumstances I would have cleaned up after my own wedding so they could go home and be with their families.

 

[disneystacy]

I'm just curious if your sister even cared about you leaving or is mom the only one making an unjust stink about this?

When I left the wedding my dad and my sister and groom both understood, kissed me goodbye.

The next day when I spoke to my dad, he had a whole attitude change, telling me "this was your sister wedding, you shouldn't have left early". So it seems my mother made a big stink riling everyone up, making it out to be something it wasn't.

My mother tends to blow things out of proportion and twisting things so it looks like she has a right to be angry, which is often when her expectations aren't met.

 

[disneystacy]

Under those circumstances I would have cleaned up after my own wedding so they could go home and be with their families.

If I would have known that I was expected to help clean up, I would have made other arrangements to get home or sent my inlaws (who attended the wedding) to be with my hubby. I sent my hubby home in our car (we live 10 min from reception hall) because my brother said he would drive me and my 2 girls home since he was staying with me anyway.
For my wedding which was in NY(this wedding was in NC) we didn't receive gifts we got envelopes so no big things to carry out. Also I had a wedding person hired to take care of packing everything that needed to be brought home and they put everything in my car.

My bridal party did nothing but enjoy the night and they left when they needed to.

BTW - I had already told my mother a few days prior that my hubby had chemo that week and I would play everything by ear the day of the wedding because I didn't know how he was going to feel. She totally understood or at least she seemed to.

 

[disneystacy]

If after everything important was over like speeches and whatnot, I would be just fine with it.

I counted the favors that were left on the gift table before we left. 14. Which means most likely 28 or so people where still there out of 100 people. So most of the guest were long gone before my brother and I left.

 

[aprilgail2]

For my wedding which was in NY(this wedding was in NC) we didn't receive gifts we got envelopes so no big things to carry out. Also I had a wedding person hired to take care of packing everything that needed to be brought home and they put everything in my car.

My bridal party did nothing but enjoy the night and they left when they needed to.

I have been in many weddings and that is what we have always done in the bridal party- you enjoy the reception and go home- never heard of anyone in the wedding party being a clean up crew. But then again I have also never been to a wedding where people brought wrapped gifts in boxes - have never seen anything like that at a wedding reception!

 

[cinmell]

I have been in many weddings and that is what we have always done in the bridal party- you enjoy the reception and go home- never heard of anyone in the wedding party being a clean up crew. But then again I have also never been to a wedding where people brought wrapped gifts in boxes - have never seen anything like that at a wedding reception!

Same here. All of the weddings I've ever been to, including my own, have been held at function halls so the staff is always in charge of the food and clean up. For weddings here, you get envelopes, not wrapped gifts. Well, sometimes there are wrapped gifts but you can count on one hand how many there are, it's almost 100% envelopes.

 

[barkley]

for what it's worth-

i have a family member who sounds allot like your mom and it drove me crazy. it literaly made me ill. it got to be i dreaded hearing from them or seeing them at family events. then i started thinking about what my kids were learning from this dynamic. i would never want my children to ever have to experience what i was experiencing but here they were watching "mommy" stressing out, trying to avoid conflict, trying to "deal" with it....it finaly struck me that i needed to start dealing with family members the same way i deal with people who are unrelated to me-i needed to focus on their behaviour and not "who" they were. if the behaviour would'nt be acceptable to me from someone i was'nt related to it should'nt be acceptable to me from someone i WAS related to-and i wanted to model that to my kids (esp. in some greater sense to my dd because i knew too many women who took absolutly controlling and boarderline abusive behaviour from men that were they not family by virtue of their marriage they would never tolerate).

i took a stand. if that person called and started in i told them to stop or i'de hang up-and i did, a number of times. if they were in my home and started in, i'de tell them to stop and then depending on the circumstances i would either walk away from them or they would be told to leave my home. at other's homes or public places-same drill, only i would leave (and give my apologies to the host/hostess who since they were family they knew the drill allready).

i'de like to say my family member learned and adopted better behaviours but he did'nt. it became apparant that his style of caring and familial closeness could only be on the basis that he could be in the controlling and domination postion. he cut off contact with me just over 2 years ago, did the same with another family member who took the same stance. initialy i was concerned that my kids would miss out by not being around him (for his good attributes), miss out on his love for them, but now i look at it and realize that his kind of love is'nt healthy for my kids to learn because i certainly don't EVER want them to construe that as appropriate behaviour.


you did nothing wrong. you went to a wedding which is an event where you hear again the committments and promises of love and caring you as a wife made to your husband and the family YOU TWO created on your wedding day. i applaud you for upholding your promises.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Thank you for your opinions. My mother is fit to be tied that my brother and I left my sisters wedding 1/2 hour early to check on my hubby, my 2 year old and my brothers child (who was left with a babysitter). She told us we were "suppose" to stay until the end. Too be honest, my sister was very unorganized and I couldn't take the chance we would be part of cleanup, thus extending my stay even longer than need be. I felt it would have been worse to just up and leave at the end, rather than leave after others started leaving.

I am kind of confused. I never heard of the wedding party as a clean up crew. Wouldn't the venue employees be the ones to clean up. I mean if you go to a restaurant to eat you do not clean up. Why would you have to clean up at a wedding. Even if you have a caterer they would do the cleaning. As for leaving early I agree with all the previous posters. In this situation it is a gift that these people could even attend.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Same here. All of the weddings I've ever been to, including my own, have been held at function halls so the staff is always in charge of the food and clean up. For weddings here, you get envelopes, not wrapped gifts. Well, sometimes there are wrapped gifts but you can count on one hand how many there are, it's almost 100% envelopes.

LOL I did not read the whole thread and pretty much said the same thing you did. Then I saw you were from MA(also) land of huge over the top weddings and I was thinking ....why would you need a clean up crew at the Ritz or 4 Seasons or even at an IA?

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I'm just curious if your sister even cared about you leaving or is mom the only one making an unjust stink about this?

When I left the wedding my dad and my sister and groom both understood, kissed me goodbye.

The next day when I spoke to my dad, he had a whole attitude change, telling me "this was your sister wedding, you shouldn't have left early". So it seems my mother made a big stink riling everyone up, making it out to be something it wasn't.

My mother tends to blow things out of proportion and twisting things so it looks like she has a right to be angry, which is often when her expectations aren't met.

This was my question....
Have you talked to your sister since your mom has caused this big stink? I'm sure your sister has noticed how she has been in the past.
In MY cases, I was a bridesmaid in 2 weddings, and DID clean up... BUT, one was my sisters that I flew to in California, so my mom was my ride who stayed til the end anyways. And..the other, my best friend, I was the ONLY person in the wedding party, so I WANTED to help clean up. It was a small venue...
In your situation, by no means would I have stayed to clean up. If my DH was sick, I'd give my sister and new BIL a kiss on the cheek and tell them DH isn't feeling well, you love them, but you have to go. And..as far as your brother, he was in the right to leave to his baby as well. It's hard to leave a baby that small!!!
Hugs to you as you deal with your mom... just know you two did nothing wrong, she just has a control issue...

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Sending out hugs to you and prayers for your husband. My sister is going through the same thing with her DH and it's so hard.

You were absolutely right in leaving. You shouldn't have to justify to your mother. I am sorry she is putting you through this guilt trip. It is completely out of line.

 

[figment52]

You did nothing wrong.