Wedding gifts

[lauradis]

I live in the same area as the OP and pretty much pay for the plate. As someone else said the bridal registry is for the bridal shower. There are very few if any wrapped gifts given in our area. The last few weddings I have been to have been in hotels, country clubs, and high end wedding venues, that is just the way it is done in our area.

Trying to understand this one. So weddings are like the big show party. Dont mean that in a rude way. But are you shamed or outcasted if your party isn't the big show party.

Been to weddings in state parks picnic style to the high venue.

 

[cbg1027]

You should gift what you can comfortably afford. Whether you choose an item off the registry or give cash is your choice.

However, as a future bride, we want the cash more!! As my fiance says "Straight cash homie, straight cash!"

I made a registry because I think some people are uncomfortable giving cash. There were also extravagant things I wanted that I may not actually buy myself with the cash if I was given it, but the items were still things I wanted. I just know if the cash is put in my hands, I'd probably run off to Europe on a month long trip. But I still want that Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer ($350 - Thanks to my future mother in law, I now own one).

I don't think wedding guests should have to feel like they need to 'pay for their plate'. If the bride and groom are expecting that, then they are rude and uncouth. You throw the wedding you can afford and want, and you don't expect guests to cover their per head expense. You wouldn't have a dinner party and expect your guests to give you money for it...a wedding is no different. You are throwing a party and your guests are there as guests, not customers paying for a product or show.

So if all you feel you can afford is $25, give the $25. Wedding guests are not required to give a certain amount.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Wow. I would hate to think what the bridal couples say about people who aren't giving those extravagant amounts.

People should give what they're comfortable giving. It shouldn't matter where the dinner takes place. Any expectations from the bridal couple is just downright tacky.

I've seen in person what bridal couples say about people not giving those amounts - and it cost me a friendship, because I realized I couldn't be friends with the bride anymore.

I'm in a "cover your plate" area, and will be going solo to a wedding at the end of the month. I plan on giving $100.

 

[Spoot]

It's more like a guide, not a hard and fast rule. My average is $250, and will go up and down, depending upon the relationship with the couple. It won't really change based on the venue. I'm guessing, in most cases here, $250 - $300 will "cover my plate," but I will give the same for a less expensive venue, or a more expensive venue (my cousin's wedding probably cost twice that, but there was no way I would give him that much - he makes about 6 times as much as DH).

See, that makes sense, but isn't what I think of when I read "cover your plate". I assumed that when people say "cover your plate" that the amount that they give changes based on the cost of the plate (or, rather, venue). A set amount that changes based on your relationship to the couple is exactly what I do, but I don't call it "cover your plate" (which I've only heard of here).

 

[CoP Luv]

I try not to get involved in a lot of heated wedding talk, but I don't like the bashing of certain traditions.

We are in a "pay your plate" area. It is a GUIDELINE people.

GUIDELINE

GUIDELINE

GUIDELINE

This one has always bugged me.

We give what we want not the cost of wedding.

I wouldn't want to go to wedding where the bride opens the cards and says wow they only gave us this. how rude.

We go to weddings to celebrate the new marriage, wish the family well. not to off site cost of wedding.

What couple do you know does this??????????????

Wow. I would hate to think what the bridal couples say about people who aren't giving those extravagant amounts.

People should give what they're comfortable giving. It shouldn't matter where the dinner takes place. Any expectations from the bridal couple is just downright tacky.

(Bold is mine)
Why would you assume to know what the bride and groom's expectations are?

As a fairly recent bride, I think it is appalling to see some of the responses suggesting that the bride and groom are as shallow as some people think. No one I know would be forming opinions about their guests based on how much they gave as a gift.

I had to a Google "pay for your plate" as I had never heard of this.

Wow, in my opinion, this is ridiculous. If you can't afford to pay for your guest's food, cut back the guest list or plan a wedding you can afford.

What's the point of a registry if you aren't supposed to buy a gift from it? Or is that just where wedding guests who aren't invited to the reception are supposed to shop?

I cannot believe what bad manners some people have these days.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/05/manners-mondays_n_3709116.html

(bold is mine again)
It's pretty bold to say that the reasoning for "pay your plate" tradition is so the couple could recoup the costs of their wedding. Do you know who pays for every wedding you attend? Why are you assuming that a couple cannot afford to pay for their guests food?

The bad manners in this post are to suggest that someone would not invite a guest to a wedding, but expect a gift. In many circles, the registry is only for the bridal shower gift, not the wedding gift. This is not to say that a registry cannot be used as a wedding gift, but traditions are different in many social circles or parts of the country.

We had an elegant wedding. Full cocktail hour, open bar, country club, 6-course plated meal, 325 invitees...It's no one's business on how much our per plate cost was and no one asked. Could someone have guessed?? Sure.

But in no way, shape or form, did I EXPECT anyone to reimburse us for what WE decided to have for our wedding.

WE HAD A WEDDING THAT WE COULD AFFORD. If anyone came to our wedding with sour grapes because they did not like our choices, they could have left.

We recently went to a black-tie wedding that was extremely elegant and probably cost a lot more that I would be comfortable saying. Did I feel like I HAD to give a $600 gift to this couple to "cover our plate"? No. We couldn't afford that. We gave what we could afford and there was no bad feelings about it. I know that this couple was not paying for the wedding, so any gifts they were receiving (all cash, I think I only saw one physical gift), were going to the beginning of their life as a married couple. They WERE NOT trying to recoup the wedding costs.

This custom has been around in this area for at least 50 years or so - it's not new. The gift money isn't actually supposed to pay for the wedding - most people here have weddings they can afford. The gift money is for the couple to use as they please after the wedding, most likely as a down payment for a house. The expectation isn't from the couple - it's from the guests.

The registry is for the bridal shower. All guests are invited to the ceremony, and the reception. All shower guests are invited to the wedding.

Folks here also give similar gifts for other religious celebrations, like First Communions and Bar Mitzvahs. All of these ceremonies are big deals, and many have big celebrations, with marriage being the biggest of all.

Honestly, until internet, I didn't know there was any other way of doing things. There really are no church basement or firehouse weddings here. And this is a very geographically small area that does this. I don't know anyone who has been born and raised here who has any problem with generous wedding gifts - again, this has been the case for many decades.

Why people are so offended by traditions of other cultures really baffles me. It seems pretty ignorant, actually. Now that I know that people give actual gifts at some weddings, and don't always serve full meals, I feel enlightened. I don't begrudge anyone for doing things differently.

****************************

Bottom line: give what you can afford. End of story.

 

[barkley]

question-

in places where 'cover the plate' or 'pay for the plate' cash gifting is the norm, is it the norm for the bride/groom to pay for the wedding/reception? if not, then if the intention is to help offset the cost of the wedding do the bride/groom reimburse whomever paid for these costs?

 

[leebee]

question-

in places where 'cover the plate' or 'pay for the plate' cash gifting is the norm, is it the norm for the bride/groom to pay for the wedding/reception? if not, then if the intention is to help offset the cost of the wedding do the bride/groom reimburse whomever paid for these costs?

It's never (OK, I can't actually attest to that...) that guests are paying for the reception. It's simply a guideline people use for giving gifts so they don't feel like they were cheap. They feel that if it's a more-expensive wedding, they should give a higher-priced gift, whether it's a physical present or a check. Calling it "cover your plate" is misleading because you really aren't paying the bride and groom for your cost of the reception.

I really don't get giving extravagant amounts. I'd feel awful if friends gave me more than $100 as a gift- and it'd have to be for a "big" event. To me, that's a LOT of money and I am not comfortable with this. Casual friends gave DD $300 for her high school graduation and she tried to give some of it back. She was embarrassed that they gave her this much money (although we know they can afford it)! I was, too... it's more than I spent on her graduation present and the food for the get-together we had (BBQ) for 25 people! Of course, I didn't have a registry when I got married, either. I can't imagine asking people to give me $350 kitchen mixers or place settings!

We don't give what we can afford; we give what we are comfortable with. Yes, we could probably give $250 gifts, but to me, that's extravagant/excessive. We usually give in the $50-$100 range, depending on the couple, and sometimes we even just give a present... even a gift that's not on the registry!

 

[lauradis]

What couple do you know does this??????????????

Bottom line: give what you can afford. End of story.

None that I know of it was meant as sarcasm.

Always interested in other peoples customs and feelings on those customs.

Totally agree with your bottom line

 

[leebee]

OMG - how many times do people have so say that the monetary gifts we give to the wedding couple, in this area, ARE NOT TO COVER THE COST OF THE WEDDING!!!!!

I don't know if knowing others give $300 as a wedding gift makes them feel cheap (it shouldn't - if it's not customary in your area), but I think you might be a little dim if you can't get the concept that people here have elaborate weddings here BECAUSE THEY WANT TO AND CAN AFFORD IT. They don't expect the gifts they receive to pay for the wedding.

I have lived here my entire life, and not once have I heard of a bride or groom complaining about the gifts they received. In fact, it is considered to be extremely rude to ever mention the monetary amount of any gift received.

Why is it that those of us in the NYC metro area aren't trying to insult the punch and mint crowd? Let people continue on with their tried and true traditions, and don't put them down.

Actually, that is a little insulting. Would you be happy being called the "caviar and champagne crowd"? These threads always get insulting. However, if you (general you) don't want to give the impression that you are paying for the wedding/reception, maybe you (once again, general you) should find a term that is more accurate, because in most instances, if you are covering your plate, it means you are paying for your meal!

 

[barkley]

It's never (OK, I can't actually attest to that...) that guests are paying for the reception. It's simply a guideline people use for giving gifts so they don't feel like they were cheap. They feel that if it's a more-expensive wedding, they should give a higher-priced gift, whether it's a physical present or a check. Calling it "cover your plate" is misleading because you really aren't paying the bride and groom for your cost of the reception.

I really don't get giving extravagant amounts. I'd feel awful if friends gave me more than $100 as a gift- and it'd have to be for a "big" event. To me, that's a LOT of money and I am not comfortable with this. Casual friends gave DD $300 for her high school graduation and she tried to give some of it back. She was embarrassed that they gave her this much money (although we know they can afford it)! I was, too... it's more than I spent on her graduation present and the food for the get-together we had (BBQ) for 25 people! Of course, I didn't have a registry when I got married, either. I can't imagine asking people to give me $350 kitchen mixers or place settings!

We don't give what we can afford; we give what we are comfortable with. Yes, we could probably give $250 gifts, but to me, that's extravagant/excessive. We usually give in the $50-$100 range, depending on the couple, and sometimes we even just give a present... even a gift that's not on the registry!

thank you for answering my question in a kind and polite manner.

I never heard of this concept before coming to the dis boards, and on some other threads on the topic I've seen people post that this is common in their area and that it IS the expectation that these gifts somehow offset expenses (and some expressed upset that they didn't even 'break even'), that being the case I just wondered if that meant the wedding gifts were intended as gifts to pay for the wedding, or as i'm more familiar with-gifts to help the bride and groom start out married life.


thank you again for your kindness.

 

[averysmom]

I went to a website that tells you how much you should pay.
http://www.theweddingenvelope.com/
It will calculate by how much you make and how well do you know the couple.. I love it...I've haven't gone to many wedding this last few year and will be getting ready to go to one next year. It told me I should give $235.00 which is around the price I was thinking about sending.

This totally rocks! I have bookmarked this site! I threw in a couple of different scenarios, and yes, each time it came up with what I would probably give. Awesome!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Actually, that is a little insulting. Would you be happy being called the "caviar and champagne crowd"? These threads always get insulting. However, if you (general you) don't want to give the impression that you are paying for the wedding/reception, maybe you (once again, general you) should find a term that is more accurate, because in most instances, if you are covering your plate, it means you are paying for your meal!

What is insulting is people (who don't even live here) insinuating that bridal couples here are greedy and rude. I didn't coin the term - it's been used my entire life, and has probably been around forever. It's not a literal term - I think it was translated from something in Italian, because a lot of wedding traditions come from Italy, where many residents ancestors came from.

Gourmet Food for Italian Wedding Receptions

For hundreds of years, traditional gourmet Italian food has been served to wedding reception guests. Sweet liquor and strong drinks are served to the guests, by the best man, before the dinner begins. This gives the guests a chance to toast the happy couple with "Per cent'anni" which means, for a hundred years.

The menu at an Italian reception is nearly as important as the wedding itself. Guests may be served as many as 14 different courses with wine and other beverages. After dinner, the customary multi-layered Italian wedding cake is served with espresso and coffee. The sheer volume of food reflects how highly anticipated and festive a typical wedding in Italy is.

Wedding Reception Traditions

For the traditional Italian custom of 'buste', the bride will carry a satin bag (la borsa) in which guests place envelopes of money to defer the expenses of customarily lavish Italian weddings. Sometimes the bag is guarded by the bride's grandmother during the festivities or the bride might wear it and allow male guests to put money in it in exchange for a dance with her.

Before the reception is over, the bride and groom usually break a glass. The number of pieces of shattered glass symbolize the years the happy couple will share together. At some weddings, a pair of white doves is released into the air, symbolizing the couple's love and happiness.

These days, here in the US, we do give generous gifts, but it's not to pay for the wedding. I think the only couples who would get bent out of shape for not getting enough gifts would be couple not from here, who misunderstand the tradition.

 

[ZehnJahren]

These days, here in the US, we do give generous gifts, but it's not to pay for the wedding. I think the only couples who would get bent out of shape for not getting enough gifts would be couple not from here, who misunderstand the tradition.

I had a very American friend who freaked out over the gifts of money she got, insulting basically every person who gave her less than the "cost of a plate" at her wedding. I was at her house when they opened the cards (it was just her, her husband, and I; I stood up in her wedding), and she had an insult for every cash-stuffed envelope she opened.

We aren't friends anymore.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

..............

Honestly, until internet, I didn't know there was any other way of doing things. There really are no church basement or firehouse weddings here. And this is a very geographically small area that does this. I don't know anyone who has been born and raised here who has any problem with generous wedding gifts - again, this has been the case for many decades.

Why people are so offended by traditions of other cultures really baffles me. It seems pretty ignorant, actually. Now that I know that people give actual gifts at some weddings, and don't always serve full meals, I feel enlightened. I don't begrudge anyone for doing things differently.

But you begrudge people who do not feel as you do?

Who has stated they are offended by traditions of other cultures or doesn't want to give a generous wedding present? I'm offended by greedy people who don't have basic manners. You might be surprised to know that you are never required to give a wedding gift. My answer in my first post was based on normal, accepted etiquette, not the mores of Jerseyites!

Chill people. This isn't an earthshaking issue.

 

[lauradis]

But you begrudge people who do not feel as you do?

Who has stated they are offended by traditions of other cultures or doesn't want to give a generous wedding present? I'm offended by greedy people who don't have basic manners. You might be surprised to know that you are never required to give a wedding gift. My answer in my first post was based on normal, accepted etiquette, not the mores of Jerseyites!

Chill people. This isn't an earthshaking issue.

 

[mjkacmom]

I had a very American friend who freaked out over the gifts of money she got, insulting basically every person who gave her less than the "cost of a plate" at her wedding. I was at her house when they opened the cards (it was just her, her husband, and I; I stood up in her wedding), and she had an insult for every cash-stuffed envelope she opened.

We aren't friends anymore.

And where did this American live?

 

[ZehnJahren]

And where did this American live?

In the midwest, in a city suburb.

 

[vikster1]

I went to a website that tells you how much you should pay.
http://www.theweddingenvelope.com/
It will calculate by how much you make and how well do you know the couple.. I love it...I've haven't gone to many wedding this last few year and will be getting ready to go to one next year. It told me I should give $235.00 which is around the price I was thinking about sending.[/QUO

Interesting website. My calculations came to 305.00 I guess I was about right according to this. Thanks

That is awful the bride opened her gifts and trashed all of her friends. Unfortunately you lost a friend, but who would want one that shallow and rude.

 

[TheRustyScupper]

1) Holy Smokes.
2) I did the gift calculation site for the heck of it.
3) The site said I should give $345 for a Midwest wedding.
4) Huh ?!?!?!?!?!?!
5) There is no way!
. . . why should my annual compensation determine the gift level? (after my travel time and hotel costs)
. . . why should the reception location determine the gift level?
. . . why should the day of the wedding determine the gift level?
6) I think the calculator was made by a wedding coordinator or gift merchant.


IMHO: We give what we feel the bride/groom should receive, and not based
upon our income, the location, or the type of reception dinner. The level of
the wedding is the choosing of the bride/groom/parents, and WILL NOT
influence how much we will give the bride/groom.

 

[pryncess527]

1) Holy Smokes. 2) I did the gift calculation site for the heck of it. 3) The site said I should give $345 for a Midwest wedding. 4) Huh ?!?!?!?!?!?! 5) There is no way! . . . why should my annual compensation determine the gift level? (after my travel time and hotel costs) . . . why should the reception location determine the gift level? . . . why should the day of the wedding determine the gift level? 6) I think the calculator was made by a wedding coordinator or gift merchant. IMHO: We give what we feel the bride/groom should receive, and not based upon our income, the location, or the type of reception dinner. The level of the wedding is the choosing of the bride/groom/parents, and WILL NOT influence how much we will give the bride/groom.

Agreed. It gave me a number easily 3 times what I've ever known anyone to give in my area.