Wedding gift(money) What do you think?

[DisneyMomJen]

I live in NJ where weddings are pretty expensive. I got married 15 years ago and $50 back then was not an appropriate gift - $100 was fine. My sister got married 6 years ago paying $160 a person which is absolutely crazy, but her in-laws are both retired doctors and feel they have to live to such standards but did split the cost with my parents. Even with the cost being that much, $150 was an appropriate gift. You cannot expect everyone to give you $300+ because you decide to have such an expensive wedding.

 

[faindrops27]

Well, I always give 300 for a close friend, an associate, 100. 50 dollars IMHO is very cheap. At my wedding I got gifts as high as 500. But, those were from family. I have a friend. Who invited, 175 guests. His gifts totalled 27k . I guess it depends. But definately do not give 50 dollars.

 

[DestinationDisney]

Hi,

I'm from central Jersey, and weddings around this area are very expensive. Even wedding receptions at fire halls can get pretty pricey. I agree that you shouldn't feel as though you have to cover the cost of your plate, and the point of having a wedding isn't to "make money back".

However, I think that giving a gift of $50 (from a couple, thats $25 per person) to the married couple is really cheap. I usually spend $50 on my close friends just for their birthdays. I've had this discussion with quite a few people, and $50 from two people makes it look like you went to the wedding for the free food and booze. I would say that if you can only afford to give $50, then maybe skip out on the wedding and give a $50 gift card as a housewarming or congratulations gift.

I'm only 25 so I can't afford to give as much as my parents, or someone who, say has been working for 20 years and has a good income. I usually give close friends/ relatives $200 (from my boyfriend and I). I would say to give the co-workers daughter a check for $100 and maybe a small present so you don't have to spend the full $150.

This is my my opinion...

 

[musicdude]

I personally think $150 is a lovely gift. The point is, this is a family that wants you to share in their celebration of love. IMHO I don't think as they open their gifts they are going sit there and say so an so is a cheapskate they only gave us $50, and if they do shame on them they didn't deserve anything all. When you plan a wedding your budget shouldn't be decided on what you think your return will be cash gifts. Every family is in a different financial situation and if you can't afford and expensive gift does that mean the family that invited you no longer wants you share in their love and happiness? I think not. Sorry to flame, but I am sick and tired of how materialistic people can be.

 

[LynnTH]

I am just amazed at how many people give $100 to upwards of $500. That is just crazy. Here in Minnesota (Twin Cities) I would say the average wedding amount would be around $50 (and even that might be considered generous). I would never spend the amount of money that some of these people spend unless it was my brother.

 

[rosiebean]

I personally think $150 is a lovely gift. The point is, this is a family that wants you to share in their celebration of love. IMHO I don't think as they open their gifts they are going sit there and say so an so is a cheapskate they only gave us $50, and if they do shame on them they didn't deserve anything all. When you plan a wedding your budget shouldn't be decided on what you think your return will be cash gifts. Every family is in a different financial situation and if you can't afford and expensive gift does that mean the family that invited you no longer wants you share in their love and happiness? I think not. Sorry to flame, but I am sick and tired of how materialistic people can be.

ITA! I'm a bit appalled to see things like "such and such an amount really isn't appropriate". You know what? If all my husband and I can afford is $75, then that's "appropriate."

When I was married about 7 years ago, I had gifts that ranged from approximately $35 in value to $1000+. We were given a mixture of cash and gifts. And my husband and I were thankful for every one of them.

The $35 gift? That came from my best friend from college. The gift was thoughtful, took both my husband and my interests into account, and was from the heart. My best friend wasn't making a ton of money, had just bought a home and was paying a mortgage for the first time. Quite frankly I was just happy that she was able to join in our celebration, I didn't care if she gave me a gift or not!

My husband is from the NE, I'm from the South. We live in the mid-Atlantic and have a bunch of relatives from this area as well. I didn't notice any regional differences in what people gave, but quite frankly I wasn't keepinig tally.

IMO, $150 is more than generous. Personally, I'd buy something off of their registry that I felt I could afford. But if you'd like to give cash, and if $150 is what you can afford, then give that. If you feel as thought that amount is stretching your budget thin, then give what you can.

Maybe I'm just getting old. Or maybe I read to much Emily Post as a child (she always stressed that good manners were about making people feel comfortable, not about expecting someone to use the right fork because "that's how it's done".) If it were me and I felt as though the couple expected a certain amount from me, I'd skip the wedding and send them a card sans money. I don't like greed. And I don't like the feeling that I should only go to the wedding if I can fork over a certain amount of cash...I wouldn't want to associate with people who think like that.

The whole discussion reminds me of the "flair" in the movie Office Space. Like the character said, "if you want me to wear more than 15 pieces of flair, tell me HOW MUCH you want me to wear!" If the couple is the kind to think "anything less than such an amount isn't appropriate", then they should charge admission or have a registry divided into "appropriate gifts from couples", etc. I've had some invitations to weddings/parties that were pretty blatant about what acceptable gifts should be ("We'd love for you to come to MD's birthday party! We're asking guests to add to his amazing wine collection! Here's a list of horribly expensive wines that he likes, please choose one and let the hostess know which one you'll be bringing. No, we won't be seving wine at the party! Well, wine in a box, but not the good stuff!") I'm always shocked when I get things like that, but I appreciate the honest nature of them.

 

[melomouse]

I'm always struck by the widely varying regional differences on this subject.

My favorite wedding - my cousin in Indiana with 300 people and a tableful of what New Yorkers would've considered VERY modest "shower" gifts"( coolers, toasters, etc.!!)

Sometimes I despise the values as well as the prices here in the Northeast, and especially NY, NJ and MA!!

Went to an over the top NY wedding of a second cousin within the last few years - held at a castle, seafood bar for the 2 hr. cocktail party and dessert/coffee/cordials bars after the filets....etc. etc...

Couldn't afford "lots" or even "appropriate" by NY standards and maybe should've stayed home - I'd been invited as a single.But I wrote a check.

Guess what?? They're having the christening at the same location - and this time I wasn't invited. Guess I'm one they didn't "re-coup" from...LOLOL

That said - $150 is absolutely fine...

 

[ladysoleil]

However, I think that giving a gift of $50 (from a couple, thats $25 per person) to the married couple is really cheap. I usually spend $50 on my close friends just for their birthdays. I've had this discussion with quite a few people, and $50 from two people makes it look like you went to the wedding for the free food and booze. I would say that if you can only afford to give $50, then maybe skip out on the wedding and give a $50 gift card as a housewarming or congratulations gift.

Not in any way flaming you- your comment got me thinking about this, which is why I am responding to it.

I think you should give what you can afford and feel is appropriate based on your relationship to the couple. If that's only $50, it shouldn't matter. I also live in NJ- North Jersey to be specific. I invited the people I wanted to my wedding because I wanted them there, not because I wanted their envelope with cash in it.

I'm just saying that I don't like the idea that people should "help pay for their plate" with the size of the wedding gift, even if it is customary in our area. Proper etiquette says that if someone is a guest, they should be entertained as a guest, not expected to help fund the event.

I wouldn't stay home from a wedding if I only had $50. That said, generally if I can afford it, we do give about $100 for friends and more for family, depending on circumstances.

 

[magiroux]

When I first started being invited to weddings as a young adult I had NO CLUE about appropriate wedding etiquette. When I asked about gifting, I was told it is "customary" to pay for your meal. The thinking behind it was, if I remember corretly, it was what it would cost you for a night out dining.

That being said, boy have times changed.

I also got married in1992. We rented a hall for $200, decorated it for maybe $500, and decided early on we wanted great food, and were willing to spend a good portion of our budget on it. We went to the best caterer in the area and served a full Italian meal (soup/salad/pasta & meatballs, and primerib), along with an cheese and cracker tray for arriving guests. Now, back in 1992, in Mass. that cost me $17.95/per person.

My money gifts ranged from $10 - $50. They only guests that gave more than $50 were some of our siblings and our parents. We did not take into account making our money back when we splurged on food (yes, that was considered splurging for our budget). We just wanted to have great food for the people that were going out of thier way to share our wedding day, and for years people would say we had one of the best meals served at a wedding

My point is, it seemed to be so much easier, as little as ten years ago, to guage what an appropriate gift was given that simple advice I received years ago. Now, wedding halls, food, decorations are just over the top expensive, and add to that, the attitude that gets conveyed alot of times is that if the couple does not make the costs back (at least a majority), it is a negative thing .

The last wedding we attended (a few years ago) was at an exclusive country club, the most gorgeous flowers, open bar, liveband, and the groom worked with my DH. We gave $200. I guess I still use the rule of thumb; what would it cost us for a comparable evening out?

BTW, as exclusive as this place was, my meal blew it away- sorry, couldn't resist .

 

[Momto3Disneyprinces]

The ettiquette rule is you should give the cost of your meal, however, that is not the same as giving what the Bride and Groom paid per plate. The per plate price is usually a package that includes the meal, and the cost of the hall, flowers, limo, DJ, etc.....The cost of the actual meal would generally only come to about $30-40/person. So, we usually give $50.00/head. ($100.00 from both of us). And that's only because $60 or $80 is such an odd amount.

 

[rt2dz]

A gift is a gift. It shouldn't put you out. What is considered "typical" varies not only on the part of the country you are living in, but social circle--read: social economics of the group invited.

When DH and I got married, we had both spectrums of socio-economics invited. I grew up well-to-do, he grew up under-privelged. The gifts we received really ran the spectrum. From nothing, not even a card, to $400 valued gift or cash/check. We certainly didn't sit there and judge people from the gift. BTW--Our per plate price was ~$85 and we had an open bar with a tab of over $5000.

Regardless, we invited the people we wanted to celebrate with. We didn't care what they gave us (although a card would have been nice, considering...); we would not have wanted anyone to go beyond their budget. If you are inviting people to get the gifts, you should get nothing, imo.

Give what you feel comfortable with-finicially as well as socially and don't think twice about anyone else.

 

[DestinationDisney]

Not in any way flaming you- your comment got me thinking about this, which is why I am responding to it.

I'm just saying that I don't like the idea that people should "help pay for their plate" with the size of the wedding gift, even if it is customary in our area. Proper etiquette says that if someone is a guest, they should be entertained as a guest, not expected to help fund the event.

Not a problem at all...thats what this board is for, discussion of topics and expressing out opinions.

I completely agree that if you are inviting people to get gifts and money, then you deserve nothing. I'm in agreement with you over most of what you said, however I do have to say that as much as we hate to admit it, there is a line between what is "appropriate" and what is not.

As ridiculous as it is, I really do think you have to take into account of what type of wedding you are going to. Yes, it is the couples choice as to what type of wedding they decide to have, whether it be over-the-top formal or a smaller, more casual wedding...and guests shouldn't feel obligated to "pay for their plate". However, I believe that if a person knows they are going to a wedding where the couple states on the invitation that formal attire is to be worn, then to me $50 isn't exactly 'appropriate'. I believe that if a couple were to go to a nice, special occasion dinner with, it would cost more than $50 alone without taking alcohol into account.

I also think that people have to take into account that times have changed and the average wedding doesn't cost what it did 20 years ago. Prices have gone up, and for many people its very difficult to have a wedding on a budget because of all the costs that go into a reception hall, a DJ or band, catering, flowers, the dress, etc. I'm not saying that guests should be responsible for covering these costs, but I'm pointing out that the cost of weddings has changed drastically over the years.

I will admit, many times I feel pressured into giving a certain amount of money. Its a shame and I don't think this is appropriate but nowadays, especially at the age I'm at (25), many people have weddings to show off and see who can out-do one another. I'm not at all condoning those types of celebrations, but this is what makes people feel uneasy about how much $ to give as a gift.

 

[DMRick]

I personally like to let the bride and groom recoup the cost of having me there. But I in no way think anyone has to think they have to give that amount. I assume I was invited to a wedding, because my presence, and not my presents was wanted. However, if someone asks for my opinion, it is what it is. Doesn't mean it's a rule, or that anyone else has to feel the same.
I give what I want to, for my rules, and I think others should do the same.

For us, it is a really nice time out, and I would not give less than what that time out would have cost me on the "outside".

 

[mydogisbo]

This thread is fascinating to me. I live in the South & in my experience most couples get gifts--actual physical items. That is not to say that is the way it is across the region, but in my personal experience. My sister got married in May & the majority of her gifts were things from her registry. She did have some cash gifts (& as Matron of Honor) I went through them to get out $$ for them to take on their honeymoon. $100 was the tops from a couple of guests, but some of his immediate family members (from PA) gave much more. When I got married less than 10 years ago $100 was our maximum cash gift from 2 people & we considered it major. When I buy wedding gifts they are normally under $50 & are things from their registry. Now I am usually also invited to a shower or 2 as well for which I purchase separate gifts (normally under $30). Just for the sake of discussion.

An interesting socio-geographic phenomenon (if there is such a thing).

 

[Kay1]

I think weddings have just gotten out of hand. I wouldn't give money, or worry about what they're spending on my meal - this isn't dinner theater. I would go shopping, find something nice, crystal or silver, and send it to the bride's home with a card expressing my best wishes.

 

[magiroux]

As ridiculous as it is, I really do think you have to take into account of what type of wedding you are going to. Yes, it is the couples choice as to what type of wedding they decide to have, whether it be over-the-top formal or a smaller, more casual wedding...and guests shouldn't feel obligated to "pay for their plate". However, I believe that if a person knows they are going to a wedding where the couple states on the invitation that formal attire is to be worn, then to me $50 isn't exactly 'appropriate'. I believe that if a couple were to go to a nice, special occasion dinner with, it would cost more than $50 alone without taking alcohol into account.

That is exactly what I was told was the way to determine an appropraite amount when giving a cash gift.

 

[Kramer]

I think the OP's idea to give $150 sounds about right...

For what its worth... my wife and I were married in 2002. Gifts we received from friends and coworkers averaged around $200.. with one or two couples giving $100 - which was the lowest amount we received. Family and close relatives was anywhere from $200 and up. We live in central New Jersey and I totally agree that the amount of the gift depends on what part of the country you live in.

My brother just got married in Boston last weekend. We gave them $350. That's higher than I would normally give for a wedding except that its my brother and they invited my two children also to the wedding. It wasn't a cheap weekend for us either. We had to spend $250 on tuxedo rental's for myself and my son, over $500 for two nights at the Sheraton Boston where the wedding was held, $80 for two nights of valet parking, and $150 to board our dog at the kennel for 4 days. We had a great time though and look at it like we got a mini-vacation with a great party thrown in

For most weddings around here we probably give $200 if its not a family member.

 

[NotUrsula]

The etiquette rule is you should give the cost of your meal, however, ...

I *really* don't think you are going to find that "rule" in any book or on any website published by any known authority on etiquette. The only rule that either Emily Post or Judith Martin have stated is that gifts must be given within three months of the wedding (though preferably before), and that recipients should promptly send out handwritten thanks for them. There is never any etiquette about what a "minimum" gift should be; the very concept of what a gift is means that it is rude to judge whether or not it is "enough". Personally, I wouldn't accept an invitation from anyone who would be crass enough to make that sort of judgement.

 

[Took]

I *really* don't think you are going to find that "rule" in any book or on any website published by any known authority on etiquette. The only rule that either Emily Post or Judith Martin have stated is that gifts must be given within three months of the wedding (though preferably before), and that recipients should promptly send out handwritten thanks for them. There is never any etiquette about what a "minimum" gift should be; the very concept of what a gift is means that it is rude to judge whether or not it is "enough". Personally, I wouldn't accept an invitation from anyone who would be crass enough to make that sort of judgement.

I heartily agree. NO etiquette book that I've read suggests ANY monetary value for any gift or even a gift, at all. You should give a gift if you feel so moved. Not unless. If those hosting the wedding/reception wish to spend lots of money, then that's their business. No one forces anyone (even nowadays) to have an expensive wedding, and true friends and loyal family members won't "expect" it.

Took

 

[purplegirl247]

Just to toss my two cents in, I'm really glad we had this discussion. I've always wondered if what I am giving is reasonable. Because I live in Florida, and we're technically part of the South, we do usually give gifts, not checks. If both my boyfriend and I attend a wedding, I get gifts off their registry that is the *equivalent* of $100. In other words, we go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Linens & Things and use those fabulous 20% off coupons! The couple is none the wiser, and I haven't broken the bank!