Wedding gift for a couple that has everything already... Please help.

[mefordis]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

No, not tasteless at all! My co workers went in on a gift for me and it was very nice!

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here

Yes, we are invited to the wedding. But I have not RSVP as of right now, to the wedding or any of these celebrations. That's one of the reason I put it out here. I did find out a lot of the invites/guest at the wedding are people that they do business with.

I have to say that after reading everything which a lot of I had to agree with, and my DH and I talking it over. Here's what we decided to do we are going to the wedding, and reception but will not be going to the after-party just not our style. We are skipping the bachelor and bachelorette party and the couples shower. I am going to the Bridal Tea, I have several long dresses, so I just need to find a hat, I found out a lot of our mutual lady friends are going to this one, and I think that it will be fun. The last shower I will most likely send regrets at this time. For the shower gift, I am doing going with a beach basket theme, monogramed towels, those towel holder things you clip on your beach chair, nice bag with matching soft cooler. They love the beach and are going on a 10 day cruise for their honeymoon.

Still undecided on the gift for the wedding... really leaning on just going with one of the wine packages for them on the ship..

 

[King Schultz]

OP here

Yes, we are invited to the wedding. But I have not RSVP as of right now, to the wedding or any of these celebrations. That's one of the reason I put it out here. I did find out a lot of the invites/guest at the wedding are people that they do business with.

I have to say that after reading everything which a lot of I had to agree with, and my DH and I talking it over. Here's what we decided to do we are going to the wedding, and reception but will not be going to the after-party just not our style. We are skipping the bachelor and bachelorette party and the couples shower. I am going to the Bridal Tea, I have several long dresses, so I just need to find a hat, I found out a lot of our mutual lady friends are going to this one, and I think that it will be fun. The last shower I will most likely send regrets at this time. For the shower gift, I am doing going with a beach basket theme, monogramed towels, those towel holder things you clip on your beach chair, nice bag with matching soft cooler. They love the beach and are going on a 10 day cruise for their honeymoon.

Still undecided on the gift for the wedding... really leaning on just going with one of the wine packages for them on the ship..

Sounds like a reasonable plan to me.

 

[smokeyblue]

I hope I don't have friends and family that would begrudge me the wedding of my choosing just because I didn't get married in the prescribed amount of time! I think excessive showers and whatnot are tacky no matter who the couple are. However, I have supported and celebrated family and many friends in marriage, baby showers and whatever else over the years. I would expect reciprocation of appreciation if my boyfriend of 12 years and I ever chose to get married.

 

[mummabear]

Now no way would I have ever registered for ridiculously expensive stuff but I think if I did I would rather have 1 thing I really wanted split by people then something that I didn't x 4.

Hell even at kids birthdays within our close group of friends we have taken to pooling together to get the kid something they really want (like a Lego set that is $100-$150, we will split)

 

[GaryDis]

I don't think anyone begrudges the happy couple a lovely wedding.

But wedding presents are traditionally items to help start a household. Unless there are economic difficulties of which we are unaware, a couple that has been living together for 19 years has presumably obtained the bulk of household necessities and is in no need of extravagant gifts. Wedding gifts are not compensation for the for the food and entertainment of the wedding reception, and should not be priced accordingly.

A bachelor party is traditionally to commemorate the loss of freedom the groom presumably lost 19 years ago. It's inappropriate for him to be celebrating this now. He should feel free to sponsor a get together along the same lines of whatever get togethers he's had with his friends over the last few years. The bachelorette party is a symbolic last chance for the bride to get away with her girlfriends, something that is often avoided during the first few years of marriage, but which she will again do after there marriage has matured (and her close friends are also married). The mere fact that she can have such a gathering now is proof of its inappropriateness as a bachelorette party. Again, she should feel free to host the same sort of gathering that she's had with her lady friends. Or the close friends, in each case, could sponsor it. In both cases, they should be limited to close friends, which would appear to exclude the OP. If they haven't been having such single-sex outings regularly, their upcoming nuptials are not an excuse to create a new tradition.

A bridal tea is a Southern tradition of obscure origin. Since it's typically an afternoon event, I wouldn't expect a long dress to be required. And it most certainly not the place of the hostess (usually the bride) to specify the guests' dress or headwear.

A bridal shower, unlike the other auxiliary events, is one at which gifts are expected (in addition to the wedding gifts). Its origins derive from the evolution of the dowry. A woman who has been living with a man for 19 years is in no need of the sort of feminine advice exchanged at such events, and it's difficult to imagine a need for the sort of traditional gifts. It is sometimes appropriate to have two, one by and for friends and one by and for relatives. Any overlap in attendance would be limited to the bride and possibly her sisters and/or mother. A couples shower is a modern, egalitarian replacement for the bridal shower. To invite a casual friend to both a bridal shower and a couples shower misunderstands the point, risking the appearance of rapacity.

TL;DR: didn't i say earlier that the whole thing seemed tasteless?

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think anyone begrudges the happy couple a lovely wedding.

But wedding presents are traditionally items to help start a household. Unless there are economic difficulties of which we are unaware, a couple that has been living together for 19 years has presumably obtained the bulk of household necessities and is in no need of extravagant gifts. Wedding gifts are not compensation for the for the food and entertainment of the wedding reception, and should not be priced accordingly.

A bachelor party is traditionally to commemorate the loss of freedom the groom presumably lost 19 years ago. It's inappropriate for him to be celebrating this now. He should feel free to sponsor a get together along the same lines of whatever get togethers he's had with his friends over the last few years. The bachelorette party is a symbolic last chance for the bride to get away with her girlfriends, something that is often avoided during the first few years of marriage, but which she will again do after there marriage has matured (and her close friends are also married). The mere fact that she can have such a gathering now is proof of its inappropriateness as a bachelorette party. Again, she should feel free to host the same sort of gathering that she's had with her lady friends. Or the close friends, in each case, could sponsor it. In both cases, they should be limited to close friends, which would appear to exclude the OP. If they haven't been having such single-sex outings regularly, their upcoming nuptials are not an excuse to create a new tradition.

A bridal tea is a Southern tradition of obscure origin. Since it's typically an afternoon event, I wouldn't expect a long dress to be required. And it most certainly not the place of the hostess (usually the bride) to specify the guests' dress or headwear.

A bridal shower, unlike the other auxiliary events, is one at which gifts are expected (in addition to the wedding gifts). Its origins derive from the evolution of the dowry. A woman who has been living with a man for 19 years is in no need of the sort of feminine advice exchanged at such events, and it's difficult to imagine a need for the sort of traditional gifts. It is sometimes appropriate to have two, one by and for friends and one by and for relatives. Any overlap in attendance would be limited to the bride and possibly her sisters and/or mother. A couples shower is a modern, egalitarian replacement for the bridal shower. To invite a casual friend to both a bridal shower and a couples shower misunderstands the point, risking the appearance of rapacity.

TL;DR: didn't i say earlier that the whole thing seemed tasteless?

I think that while we all can appreciate the origins of these functions, we can also agree that they are not the reasons that we celebrate many of them any longer. Women are no longer living at home with Mo and Dad until they leave to share a home with their husbands. They are waiting longer and manage careers and home. Men also are not marrying right out of HS. Most do not need new towels and sheets in order to set up house. THese celebations ae now simply celebrations today. Yes, we all know those who need help and generally plan our gifts accordingly.

I do nto think invitations are command performances so if a couple had all of these events plannedI would not feel the need to attend every one, but I would never worry about those I chose to avoid. I just do nto think that when we do not agree or approve of the number of events, or the events planned it is fair to roll out the reasons for the traditions. If we all were held to the traditions based on how they originated, most people would not be eligible for showers, baby or wedding, and the weddings would never be the parties they are today.

 

[Aliceacc]

OP, Your plan sounds perfect.

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here

As far as the couple financial state, they are well beyond middle class. They decided to work on their careers from the very beginning of their relationship, and both are extremely successful.

I also hope that I was clear on the type of long dress not a formal style but a beach style long dress very casual.

I choose the Bridal Tea as I know the hostess of this event very well. It is in the late afternoon and has a southern charm for its theme. It is being held outside at her home which her backyard is like looking at a Better Homes and Gardens mag. Amazing..... If I remember I will post some pictures of the backyard..

 

[PlainJane]

OP here

Yes, we are invited to the wedding. But I have not RSVP as of right now, to the wedding or any of these celebrations. That's one of the reason I put it out here. I did find out a lot of the invites/guest at the wedding are people that they do business with.

I have to say that after reading everything which a lot of I had to agree with, and my DH and I talking it over. Here's what we decided to do we are going to the wedding, and reception but will not be going to the after-party just not our style. We are skipping the bachelor and bachelorette party and the couples shower. I am going to the Bridal Tea, I have several long dresses, so I just need to find a hat, I found out a lot of our mutual lady friends are going to this one, and I think that it will be fun. The last shower I will most likely send regrets at this time. For the shower gift, I am doing going with a beach basket theme, monogramed towels, those towel holder things you clip on your beach chair, nice bag with matching soft cooler. They love the beach and are going on a 10 day cruise for their honeymoon.

Still undecided on the gift for the wedding... really leaning on just going with one of the wine packages for them on the ship..

I'm glad you were able to come up with a solution you're comfortable with and were able to pick a celebratory event you will actually enjoy! I think your gift for the brunch sounds very thoughtful and I'm sure the wine package will be appreciated.