Wedding dilema

[ilovejack02]

While people do bring gifts to wedding in our area, it is much more appropriate to have the gifts sent to the bride or grooms home ( or their house) before hand.

 

[bballmom56]

We went to a wedding back in May for my godson. There was a table in the room for gifts and a box for cards. DH put the card in the box. It is now 5 months later and we have received no acknowledgement that they received either the wedding check OR the shower gift, which DH took to the groom's mother's house. I would just like to know that they actually got them! I emailed groom's mother once (she was a best friend of mine, matron of honor at my wedding) to see if she could find out if they at least got them. I know the check was cashed, but I don't know if it was by them. She didn't even respond to my email , so I still don't know for sure.

I think I will send checks ahead of time to their home from now on.

I hope they find the rest of the envelopes and gifts from your nephew's wedding.

 

[AnnaS]

I am sorry to hear this happened.

In our area there is always a table near the dais for gifts but mostly it's just money envelopes and they are handed to the couple or a family member. Very rarely is there something to put them in and they are also kept very close to the couple or a parent.

I am surprised that even though the planner made a poor choice that no one spoke up and realized that was not a good idea and to move it. It's a shame and sad that it's hard to trust anyone anymore.

 

[wall*e2008]

Not sure what to tell you to help, but never put cash in a card. We always give a check.

 

[cinmell]

Honestly, my first thought is the wedding planner may somehow be in on this. To set up a table in that location is not just simply stupid, it's suspicious if you ask me.

I wonder if this sort of thing has happened at other weddings this person has planned?

I was thinking the exact same thing.

So there was a gift table outside and then one was placed inside of the hall later? Do you know if the bride or groom know anyone who had their wedding at this venue in the past? Maybe they can ask them if they had any issues.

 

[*BTMRR*]

What a mess. Yes there's a possible identity theft issue here but I can't think of any way the bride/groom could possibly notify people that would be even REMOTELY polite and not shamefully tacky. I would be mortified to get a letter from the couple saying that since I attended the wedding but the bride/groom didn't receive a gift from me, they had to assume my gift had gone missing! I would feel 100% obligated to replace the gift even if they said not to. And how yucky to imply that the couple EXPECTED and assumed that everyone who attended must have given a gift. Obviously people do bring gifts when they attend weddings but I can't imagine as a bride sitting down and figuring out who attended but didn't have a gift on record.

The only thing I can think of that would not be ridiculously tacky would be to have the wedding planner (not the couple!) send out a form letter to EVERY guest saying what the situation was; not specifying which gifts might have been taken so that no one would feel obligated to replace--just saying that if anyone had written a check and was concerned to please double check with the bride to see if it was received.

The wedding planner really must be an amateur, or as someone else said--in on the scheme!!

 

[Loverly]

It is now 5 months later and we have received no acknowledgement that they received either the wedding check .

Can't you see if the check was endorsed by them?

To the OP-I'd also check the back of the check and file charges against that person

 

[mom2boys]

At the very least they should call the country club to see if the gifts are sitting in a storage room somewhere.

This is where I would start. Perhaps some of the gifts got left behind. Sadly, it doesn't sound like it. I can't believe the country club would not have said something to the wedding planner about the unattended table. If this has happened before, the club needs to deal with it.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

My poor DSis is just horrified. We talked about contacting those that had attended but didn't leave a gift - but as other's said how do you do that and not sound tacky. I do think that she needs to so she can find out just what and how much is missing. There were no gifts from the parents of my nephews friends that attended the wedding. They have known these people all of their lives and there were at least 5 couples - DSis is certain that they would have brought some kind of gift.

Just to clarify they had 2 gift tables. One was outside in a breezeway on the way to the outdoor garden area where hor d'ourves were being served and the other was inside by the cake. One of my DSis good friends had left her card inside by the cake and mentioned it to the wedding planner. The planner told her that she would bring it out and put it with the other cards outside... that card is missing too...

 

[mickeyboat]

If it were me, I would as the reception hall or wedding planner to send a letter to every guest explaining what happened, and reminding the guests that cards were taken. I would also have the bride and groom get their thank you notes out immediately for gifts that were received. That way the guest can choose to follow whatever course of action they deem necessary - including stopping payment on the checks, closing accounts, or re-sending the gift if they so choose.

What a terrible thing to happen.

Denae

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Rule #1 - Gifts don't go to the wedding (other than cards). Bring gifts creates another thing for the couple or their parents to have to take care of that night and according to the etiquette queens the gifts should be sent to the brides home. Most people (around here) just give $$ for the wedding gift in which case see Rule #2

Rule #2 - It's not a good idea to put cash in the mail and it's not a good idea to hand someone a card full of cash or stick it in some box at a wedding either. Cash is the easiest thing to steal, how would you trace that? A check is much easier to trace. There is an identity theft issue sure, but there is also one everytime you pay for anything with a check.

I am now stepping down off of my soap box and preparing to be flamed

 

[Scurvy]

Rule #1 - Gifts don't go to the wedding (other than cards). Bring gifts creates another thing for the couple or their parents to have to take care of that night and according to the etiquette queens the gifts should be sent to the brides home. Most people (around here) just give $$ for the wedding gift in which case see Rule #2

Rule #2 - It's not a good idea to put cash in the mail and it's not a good idea to hand someone a card full of cash or stick it in some box at a wedding either. Cash is the easiest thing to steal, how would you trace that? A check is much easier to trace. There is an identity theft issue sure, but there is also one everytime you pay for anything with a check.

I am now stepping down off of my soap box and preparing to be flamed

Why would you be flamed? You are absolutely right! You can't stop payment on cash like you can with a check if it gets lost. Yes, there's the identity theft issue, but if you are that worried about it you should never pay by check anywhere because it's more likely that one of the many people that gets access to your check at a store (or by stealing it from a mailbox) will steal your info than it is that the check will be lost or stolen after you give it as a gift. And as far as gifts at the wedding, even though people often do take gifts to the wedding it is not technically correct to do so.

 

[bballmom56]

Can't you see if the check was endorsed by them?

My bank doesn't send back the whole check - only a copy of the front. I would have to request a copy of the endorsement, I guess. But I would assume if it was stolen, they might have just forged the names that were on the front. I guess it could be traced by the processing information on the back of the check, but that seems like a lot to go through when I don't even know if there is a problem. I have received no acknowledgement, and have asked the groom's mother about it and got no answer. I'm not sure if I should do anything more. And as I mentioned, I got no acknowledgement of the shower gift either and that was taken to the groom's mother's house. So I'm pretty sure they must have gotten that .

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

What a mess. Yes there's a possible identity theft issue here but I can't think of any way the bride/groom could possibly notify people that would be even REMOTELY polite and not shamefully tacky. I would be mortified to get a letter from the couple saying that since I attended the wedding but the bride/groom didn't receive a gift from me, they had to assume my gift had gone missing! I would feel 100% obligated to replace the gift even if they said not to. And how yucky to imply that the couple EXPECTED and assumed that everyone who attended must have given a gift. Obviously people do bring gifts when they attend weddings but I can't imagine as a bride sitting down and figuring out who attended but didn't have a gift on record.

The only thing I can think of that would not be ridiculously tacky would be to have the wedding planner (not the couple!) send out a form letter to EVERY guest saying what the situation was; not specifying which gifts might have been taken so that no one would feel obligated to replace--just saying that if anyone had written a check and was concerned to please double check with the bride to see if it was received.

The wedding planner really must be an amateur, or as someone else said--in on the scheme!!

I would have my bridal party start calling all of the guests. Tell the guests that John and Sally have sent out their thank you cards. State that there has been a suspected theft.

Advise the guests that if they have not received a thank you card and they gave a gift of a check, they need to be aware that they may need to put a stop payment on it and keep an eye on their accounts.

Also, if they gave a gift and suspect it was one of the ones stolen and want to report it to the police, please call xyz police station and report that their gift to John and Sally was also stolen. It is police report #12345.

Of course, this would take two steps from the bride and groom - they have to make sure all thank you cards are out and they have to set up a police report with the proper authorities.

This way, the bride and groom never put their guests on the spot. The bride and groom will never know the guests that actually gifted and didn't get a thank you note vs the guests that did not gift and aren't even expecting a thank you note.

It is just a polite heads up by the bridal party to the guests rather than the tackiness of a bridal party asking which gifts the guests gave.

Of course, you are also opening it up to fraud on the part of the guests that if they now want to seem like they gave a gift, they can claim a false gift on the police report. But that won't be the bride and groom's problem, that would have to be handled by the police.

 

[bethy]

Never ever ever take gifts to the wedding -- they go to the bride's home BEFORE the wedding!

This is traditional and practical and what we do also. I've attended probably 25 weddings and have never had anyone complain about it. Why complain about getting your gift early and conveniently delivered to your home?

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Never ever ever take gifts to the wedding -- they go to the bride's home BEFORE the wedding!

All right, generally it is my preference to do this as well, but that doesn't mean you should never ever do it. The couple should be thankful that you went to the effort of getting them a gift, regardless of how it is presented, and a table should be made available at the site for those who want to get a gift but (by way of example) do not want to have to pay the extra shipping fees associated therewith. So what if the bride has to find a way to cart all her loot home...I can't manage to feel poorly for her. Besides, I fail to see how this would have helped the OP, unless she was also to mail her card with check to the bride's house prior to the ceremony. Then, of course, we would all complain about how you can't trust mail carriers anymore.

 

[bumbershoot]

We had our wedding out of state, and everyone had to travel to it (we live in WA and it was just outside of Portland OR, all of my family lives in CA, VA, and elsewhere, and there was no place in WA that was special enough to us). I was SO glad that almost no one brought gifts to the wedding! Most everyone sent them ahead of time, it was lovely.

As for cash, hubby is from a cash-giving culture. His mom had quite a bit to give us, from her siblings in Korea and some of FIL's business associates. But in that cash-giving culture, they hand it DIRECTLY to the couple. There's no putting it in a card and leaving it anywhere, not even in a box (boxes can be stolen too!). Hand it over. There are many brides who get special large-ish purses to carry, when they KNOW that they will be getting cash like that.

I would have my bridal party start calling all of the guests. Tell the guests that John and Sally have sent out their thank you cards. State that there has been a suspected theft.

Advise the guests that if they have not received a thank you card and they gave a gift of a check, they need to be aware that they may need to put a stop payment on it and keep an eye on their accounts.

Also, if they gave a gift and suspect it was one of the ones stolen and want to report it to the police, please call xyz police station and report that their gift to John and Sally was also stolen. It is police report #12345.

Of course, this would take two steps from the bride and groom - they have to make sure all thank you cards are out and they have to set up a police report with the proper authorities.

This way, the bride and groom never put their guests on the spot. The bride and groom will never know the guests that actually gifted and didn't get a thank you note vs the guests that did not gift and aren't even expecting a thank you note.

It is just a polite heads up by the bridal party to the guests rather than the tackiness of a bridal party asking which gifts the guests gave.

Of course, you are also opening it up to fraud on the part of the guests that if they now want to seem like they gave a gift, they can claim a false gift on the police report. But that won't be the bride and groom's problem, that would have to be handled by the police.

Brilliant idea!!!!

 

[Tricia819]

My bank doesn't send back the whole check - only a copy of the front. I would have to request a copy of the endorsement, I guess. But I would assume if it was stolen, they might have just forged the names that were on the front. I guess it could be traced by the processing information on the back of the check, but that seems like a lot to go through when I don't even know if there is a problem. I have received no acknowledgement, and have asked the groom's mother about it and got no answer. I'm not sure if I should do anything more. And as I mentioned, I got no acknowledgement of the shower gift either and that was taken to the groom's mother's house. So I'm pretty sure they must have gotten that .

That couple is just tacky. I hope you don't buy them gifts anymore.

 

[bubie2.5]

I have never been to a wedding where this was done.

I guess is a cultural thing, I've never been to a wedding with a gift table. Gifts are usually delivered to the bride's house before the wedding or even a whole month after it.

 

[Evil Genius]

I would have my bridal party start calling all of the guests. Tell the guests that John and Sally have sent out their thank you cards. State that there has been a suspected theft.

Advise the guests that if they have not received a thank you card and they gave a gift of a check, they need to be aware that they may need to put a stop payment on it and keep an eye on their accounts.

Also, if they gave a gift and suspect it was one of the ones stolen and want to report it to the police, please call xyz police station and report that their gift to John and Sally was also stolen. It is police report #12345.

Of course, this would take two steps from the bride and groom - they have to make sure all thank you cards are out and they have to set up a police report with the proper authorities.

This way, the bride and groom never put their guests on the spot. The bride and groom will never know the guests that actually gifted and didn't get a thank you note vs the guests that did not gift and aren't even expecting a thank you note.

It is just a polite heads up by the bridal party to the guests rather than the tackiness of a bridal party asking which gifts the guests gave.

Of course, you are also opening it up to fraud on the part of the guests that if they now want to seem like they gave a gift, they can claim a false gift on the police report. But that won't be the bride and groom's problem, that would have to be handled by the police.

I'm sorry, if I was a member of the bridal party, I wouldn't be comfortable calling people (probably some who are total strangers) and telling them this. That's for the wedding planner to do.

For the bride and groom to not want to act on this is strange. They don't want to protect their friends and relatives?