Watching your son turn into your daughter and denying it?

[taximomfor4]

eleventhdr, I am pretty glad you are on this thread. I took my time and waded through your first post, and feel that you could have some excellent insight into this topic. I am concerned, though, that many won't take the time to try to read your posts. The lack of punctuation makes it nearly impossible to understand.

I don't want to make anyone feel badly, I just wanted to point out to you that what you are trying to say may be missed unless you try to make it into sentences.

OP, some parents NEVER understand or accept. My stepfather became a woman (stopped just short of surgery due to cost) when I was in my late teens. His (now her) father never accepted, and mother barely did. Honestly, most strangers, not even emotionally invested, accepted. Perhaps it is just the simple fact that people often cannot understand things they haven't seen/experienced.

 

[shortbun]

I think this mother is going to lose her child-either emotionally or altogether. Sad, as a parent I have always told my child that we will support him no matter what. Once, he asked me if I wanted him to be gay. I told him I thought being gay was not a choice but just 'was.' I also told him that he could tell me anything. We've discussed transgender, trans-sexual, people who like to cross dress. All of those lifestyles look very difficult to me and I would never make it harder on my child by refusing to believe his or her feelings. My in-laws have a friend(they are in their 70's and conservative) but their friend wants to be a woman and has always been a man to them. Now, he's coming out and they are excepting her as her new self. If THEY can do it, anyone can. Seriously.

 

[luvsJack]

I know a young man that also started dressing as a girl sometime during his teens. He is very fashionable at times and very outlandish at times (he likes the whole 'old Hollywood" look and idolizes Marilyn Monroe so tends to like to dress that way).

His parents didn't want to accept it either, but he just continued to be himself and dress the way he wanted (maybe just not as extreme when he was around them). Luckily he is happy enough in his own skin that he could do this even without their approval. Anyway, after awhile they seemed to just accept it. I have seen him and his mom together and he has on some really outlandish outfits, she seems to be just happy to be with her son.


Maybe this mom just needs the time to get used to the idea. Parents tend not to see things like this the way other people do so it is a shock to them when their child tell them. He just needs to continue being himself and give his mom time to get used to what she thinks is the "new him".

 

[ksumn1]

It sound to me as if the Mom is hoping is she ignores it, his behaviors will simply go away or that he will change as he grows up . Maybe she's trying to convince herself it's some kind of phase.

I have a cousin who's gay, everyones always kind of though so but never pushed the issue or asked because we assumed when he felt comfortable enough to tell everyone, he would.And because it's his life and it's frankly none of my business what his sexual preference is. Anyway, he's out now, has a wonderful boyfriend that has come to several family events and his Mom absolutely hates it. She tried to ignore cousins BF the 1st few times and made a couple of remarks, but she really just wanted to keep her head in the sand and not accept reality.

Bottom line, if she doesn't want to believe it, she won't unless her son pushes the issue. Deny, deny, deny. I'm glad the young man is confident enought to live in a manner that makes him happy, regardless on Mom's reaction. Just keep supporting him, OP and letting him know that he's great the way he is!

 

[clovergirl5]

I know a young man that also started dressing as a girl sometime during his teens. He is very fashionable at times and very outlandish at times (he likes the whole 'old Hollywood" look and idolizes Marilyn Monroe so tends to like to dress that way).

His parents didn't want to accept it either, but he just continued to be himself and dress the way he wanted (maybe just not as extreme when he was around them). Luckily he is happy enough in his own skin that he could do this even without their approval. Anyway, after awhile they seemed to just accept it. I have seen him and his mom together and he has on some really outlandish outfits, she seems to be just happy to be with her son.


Maybe this mom just needs the time to get used to the idea. Parents tend not to see things like this the way other people do so it is a shock to them when their child tell them. He just needs to continue being himself and give his mom time to get used to what she thinks is the "new him".

I agree with this....when dsis told my mom she was gay, it took my mom awhile to get over the shock because nobody saw it coming. Dsis had boyfriends up to that point. It didn't take long for mom to come around and she is fine with it now. She just wants dsis to be happy.

 

[castleview]

Maybe this mom just needs the time to get used to the idea. Parents tend not to see things like this the way other people do so it is a shock to them when their child tell them. He just needs to continue being himself and give his mom time to get used to what she thinks is the "new him".

Agreed. I remember reading an interview with Cher (don't ask). Even she was taken aback with her daughter coming out.

 

[turkeymama]

Just presenting another side as a hypothetical. As a parent, I know that I am guilty of imagining what my children's lives will be like when they grow up. I'm sure many of us have these preconceived notions of watching our children growing up, having families of their own, living a life similar to our own. I'm sure not all parents do it, and I'm not saying that its even right. I'm just saying most of us do it on some level.

The reality that this particular mom is facing is probably just hard for her to swallow right now since this is likely not the life she imagined for her son. It will take time for her to let go of the life she imagined him to have, for lack of a better description.

 

[LisaR]

OP here. I think I need to clear a few things up; unless I am just misinterpreting some of the responses.

My DD does not need a book to explain things to her. She doesn't have a problem with her friend. She has known from day 1 that he was not like the typical boys she knows. He has never revealed anything to my DD that was a surprise to her.

The guy in question is 16. He says he has always felt this way and he has never hidden this from anyone. I knew the first day I met him.

I do not know this mother enough to say anything to her.

The son has told his mother for years that he is bi/gay and he would much prefer to look like a girl than a guy. He does not want a sex change operation. He just wants to have a very feminine look.

This guy has been with a girl and a guy. I am not suggesting they had sex because I don't know that but he has made out with both and tells DD he likes both but if he could only pick one, he would pick the guy. He has a bigger crush on Taylor Lautner than my DD.

I posted this because DD hung out with him last night and he was apparently bummed about his mom. DD was very upset by the whole thing and was trying to figure out why the mom would blow him off so much. She is feeling better this morning and realizes that she can't change his mother. The only thing she can do is be there for her friend.

 

[luvsJack]

OP here. I think I need to clear a few things up; unless I am just misinterpreting some of the responses.

My DD does not need a book to explain things to her. She doesn't have a problem with her friend. She has known from day 1 that he was not like the typical boys she knows. He has never revealed anything to my DD that was a surprise to her.

The guy in question is 16. He says he has always felt this way and he has never hidden this from anyone. I knew the first day I met him.

I do not know this mother enough to say anything to her.

The son has told his mother for years that he is bi/gay and he would much prefer to look like a girl than a guy. He does not want a sex change operation. He just wants to have a very feminine look.

This guy has been with a girl and a guy. I am not suggesting they had sex because I don't know that but he has made out with both and tells DD he likes both but if he could only pick one, he would pick the guy. He has a bigger crush on Taylor Lautner than my DD.

I posted this because DD hung out with him last night and he was apparently bummed about his mom. DD was very upset by the whole thing and was trying to figure out why the mom would blow him off so much. She is feeling better this morning and realizes that she can't change his mother. The only thing she can do is be there for her friend.

That is the greatest thing in the world she can do for him right now. And maybe she can help him to accept that he cannot change his mother either. Either his mom will do what the mom I know did and come to accept her son, or she won't and there is nothing he can do about it.

 

[joyjoy]

That poor kid. As if being a teenager isn't hard enough. I hope his mom comes around. I'm glad he's got a nice group of chums, though.

 

[clovergirl5]

Just presenting another side as a hypothetical. As a parent, I know that I am guilty of imagining what my children's lives will be like when they grow up. I'm sure many of us have these preconceived notions of watching our children growing up, having families of their own, living a life similar to our own. I'm sure not all parents do it, and I'm not saying that its even right. I'm just saying most of us do it on some level.

The reality that this particular mom is facing is probably just hard for her to swallow right now since this is likely not the life she imagined for her son. It will take time for her to let go of the life she imagined him to have, for lack of a better description.

Perfectly said!
I find myself and my mom feeling this way sometimes for dsis. It takes awhile to get past that thought of wanting that ideal life for your loved one. Things are fine now, but yes, that happens often.

Kuddos to op dd for being a great friend. Definitely need more nonjudgmental and accepting people in this world. Great job mom!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

PFLAG. Have your DD and her friend look up the local chapter of PFLAG. They'll have resources to support him through his journey to self discovery, and resources to help his mother should she choose to avail herself of them.

At least it will give him language to continue discussions with his mother. His father is not a factor in his life?

Your DD and his other friends will play a vital role in his life, so it's absolutely wonderful that you are there for her, and through association, for him.

Take care now!

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

I agree with DVC. Searching out a chapter of PFLAG would be a great resource for this boy and maybe your daughter can go with him as a support.

It really sounds like he is very lucky to have your daughter (and also you) to understand him for who he is and not judge or humiliate him.

Congratulations to you for raising such an open minded child!

 

[Disney Doll]

Some thoughts:

~ I know the goal of the world is to have "gay" not be something a parent has to "accept" but rather have gay be something like blonde hair or brown eyes...just one more part of what makes a person a person. Unfortunately, we are not there yet, even though I think society, as a whole, is better...not perfect, certainly not where we want to be, but I do think there is a better level of acceptance of all different types of lifestyles than there was 20 years ago.
~ This boy's mother is clearly not at a place of acceptance of that which should be quite evident to her. I do not know her psyche, so I do not feel I am in a position to judge, even while I think to myself "I wish she'd show her son some level of acceptance and understanding". Alas, Rome wasn't built in a day, and this mother may need a large amount of time to come to an acceptance of who her son is. I agree that it is too bad that she will need a period of acceptance, but that is the reality of the situation for this young man, like it or not.
~ I have a long-time friend who realized she was gay at about the age of 40. While I did not have a problem with her being gay, per se, what affected me was the fact that I had known this person for literally 30 years at the time, she had been my best friend, and there was this whole extraordinarily important aspect of her "self" that I had missed for 30 years. Part of me almost felt like a lot of our friendship had been based on a lie, even though I logically knew my friend wasn't lying about her sexuality, she just wasn't aware of it. Additionally, she had met a lovely woman when she detemrined that she was gay, and so she became her spouse and "best friend", so I, in effect, lost my best friend with her life change. I will say, I am sure she thought I was a terrible person, but it was a lot to "process"... in effect, she became a different person...not because she was gay, but because she so embraced a totally gay lifestyle and there was no room in it for me. She & I went from being best friends for years (she was matron of honro at my wedding) to being, at best, acquaintances.

I don't know if what I posted makes sense, and certainly, I do not mean to offend anyone.

 

[ChrizJen]

What a great discussion!
I would normally tell a person just coming out to consider this: It took you (blank) years to realize and come to terms with the fact that you're (lesbian/gay/bi-sexual, transgender, etc.). Don't expect your parents and loved ones to accept it overnight. But it sounds like this poor kid has tried for a long time to get the approval of his parents, and it just doesn't seem to be happening.
I think it's absolutely amazing when young people get an early grip on who they are. But in many ways, it makes the teenage years even more difficult. Coming out at a young age unfortunately sometimes facilitates a parent's denial. They think their child is too young to make decisions on his her/sexual orientation. "It's just a phase" is a lot easier to say about a 16 year old than it is to say about a 25-30 yr old adult. Perhaps his parents will come around once they see that it's not something he's just going to "outgrow". Unfortunately, they're going to regret not giving him the support when he needed it most.
OP, my suggestion to you is that you maybe try to step in and become a grown up that he can trust and talk to. He needs support, and if he's not going to get it at home, at least you could be there for him. Also, at the very least, pass these websites along to your DD to give to him. They're full of valuable resources for LGBT Youth:

http://www.nyacyouth.org/resources/lgbtqyouth.php
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/home1.aspx

(I know that the main focus of the Trevor Project is to prevent suicide among LGBT Youth, and it sounds like your DD's friend has a good head on his shoulders, but it may still be a good place for him to turn.)

Good luck, OP, and thank you for having a wonderful DD who feels like she can talk to you about these things, and thanks for caring enough about her friend to post here!

 

[Disney Doll]

What a great discussion!
I would normally tell a person just coming out to consider this: It took you (blank) years to realize and come to terms with the fact that you're (lesbian/gay/bi-sexual, transgender, etc.). Don't expect your parents and loved ones to accept it overnight.

I did say that to my friend, but she was in the "this is who I am you should be happy for me" mode.

And I was happy for her...happy that she had found a lovely woman with whom to share her life. However, in fidning herself, she broke up her marriage (to a man) of 17 or 18 & upended 3 children. Now it's 10 years later, her 3rd marriage to the lovely woman is over, her 2nd husband has remarried, her children seem reasonably well-adjusted, and she is going through yet another incarnation, thinking she is bisexual as opposed to gay.

At a certain point, all this changing gets a little old....

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I did say that to my friend, but she was in the "this is who I am you should be happy for me" mode.

And I was happy for her...happy that she had found a lovely woman with whom to share her life. However, in fidning herself, she broke up her marriage (to a man) of 17 or 18 & upended 3 children. Now it's 10 years later, her 3rd marriage to the lovely woman is over, her 2nd husband has remarried, her children seem reasonably well-adjusted, and she is going through yet another incarnation, thinking she is bisexual as opposed to gay.

At a certain point, all this changing gets a little old....

Why? Self Discovery can take a long and tortuous path. That she continues along that road is not "old" simply who she is.

That you do not fully understand is acceptable. That you may be judging her and finding her wanting, is not.

 

[aristocatz]

I feel bad for both the mother and the child-they both have a long road of understanding and (hopefully) acceptance ahead of them. I am guessing this must be traumatic on any family at first-some accept it and move on quickly, for others it takes years of hurting each other and understanding. This mother sounds like she might not morally agree with his lifestyle, which means it might take even longer for her to accept her son. I've known people who told their parents and the parents accepted it right away, but I've known others with different views who ended up disowning their child completely

I hope this family seeks counseling and the help they need and I hope your DD continues to be a loving and supportive friend to him

 

[ChrizJen]

Why? Self Discovery can take a long and tortuous path. That she continues along that road is not "old" simply who she is.

That you do not fully understand is acceptable. That you may be judging her and finding her wanting, is not.

I agree with this, but I do see both sides. I feel for the friend. She's entitled to happiness. No one should ever tell her to live a lie. But regardless of the reasons, divorce is quite devastating to the people involved, especially the children.
And to Disney Doll, in defense of your friend, it sounds like her "this is who I am and you should be happy with me" was less of an "in-your-face" statement, and more of a defensive move. She was just beginning to come to terms with herself, but obviously not quite there. If she wasn't entirely sure of where she was herself, she probably expected that she'd get some resistence from others. So she came out swinging, so to say.

The coming out process is never easy, but it's definitely a 2-way street. As I said before, the person coming out should always remember to GIVE the same respect and understanding that they expect to GET.

Also, to Disney Doll. I just went back and re-read what you posted before about your friend. I can give a little insight into what your friend was going through when she first came out. It's sort of like when you're young and first begin dating. You feel uncertain about yourself and your place in your surroundings. Coming out "later" in life is a little like having to re-do your adolescence. It's sometimes a rocky road, and you tend to surround yourself with people who are going through or have gone through the same thing you're experiencing. It's all so new, and you feel most comfortable with those who know what you're going through. I know it had to have been painful to lose the friendship you had, but she most likely had no intention of hurting you...It was more of a self-preservation of sorts.

 

[dcentity2000]

Some of my best friends are gay or lesbian and they're all lovely



Rich::