Watching DD get hurt by a friend?!?! LONG

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I will have to say that your dd's response to "X" was not very nice or apologetic in the 3rd grade world. (bolded part) In other words, it fueled the drama instead of bringing it to an end.

Very good point about the role playing bit. I try to keep the balance between Mom/leader at the GS meetings - this is a good way to handle that.

But... I do not see DDs response as being mean (ofcourse I admit I am not objective nor am I a 3rd grader). Should dd have agreed not to wear peace signs? Isn't that just giving into her friend? I am trying to teach dd that it is okay to be yourself, not to judge others, and to appreciate everyone is different.

I had a hard time following that, but have you ever asked your DD was X is calling her mean?

There are mean kids in the world, I just posted about one. Maybe your DD has some moments when she is around other kids that she is mean to X or mean to X's friends. It doesn't make sense to me that someone would start calling a friend "mean" just because some new kid came into the picture.

This summer, my DD had a friend come over. We went to the town pond to swim. There was a gril there who was a neighbor of DD's friend. She wanted to play with DD's friend, but not with DD. Well, the friend wouldn't have it. She was there with DD and that was who she was hanging with. I observed from the beach, and this girl was mean. I even told DD that I thought she was a mean girl, and she agreed with me.

Now, I am sure this girls mother didn't see it like that at all. She may have seen it as the friend being mean by not letting the poor girl hang with them. When SHE was the one who was trying to pull this girl away from DD.

I don't mean any offense by this. Your DD could be a sweet angel. I am just pointing out that with 8 year old girls, there will be drama. It may not be all one sided, either.

No offense taken, I wouldn't have posted this situation on the dis if I was easily offended. LOL!!

I have tried to find out why this girl is calling dd mean. I do not think that it is all one sided but... I know my dd is hurt by these actions.

I know dds teacher and after school group leader so I can keep an "eye" on dd and her behavior when I am not present.

OP - please talk to your DD and find out if she can pinpoint why the girls think she is being mean.

Last year DD9 was purposely excluding a former friend from recess activities, and talking bad about her. I really got on her case and worked with the school and the other girl's mother to try to work things out. I was very hard on my daughter about it. I was never so happy to see summer vacation!

Things are better this year between DD9 and the other girl as they have been put into separate classes. They are also both in my Girl Scout troop and are getting along well.

But now DD10 is having trouble with this girl, and she is able to better articulate why she is having trouble (DD9 and DD10 are both in 4th grade). This girl tends to brag a lot, and also to insult the other kids - only to apologize and ask for forgiveness later (I have seen some of this myself). The kids will only take so much of that before they decide they don't want to play with her anymore.

If she did do something the other girls might have perceived as mean, she should apologize and try to work things out with them.

If she really is just being picked on, she needs to work on trying to find some new friends. She needs to make sure the "bullies" don't know that it is bothering her. American Girl has some great books on the subject that might be worth checking out.

Good luck.

DD has apologized to this friend multiple times but the friend will not say why she is saying dd is mean nor will she stop saying that dd is mean.

As a GS leader, I'd recommend you look into the new stuff GS is promoting regarding friendships, cliques, bullying, etc. That type of programming is beneficial to all girls, no matter what troop they're in. Sadly, many times bullying goes on & is unknowingly condoned under adult supervision because the offenders are the type of kids to be viewed more positively by adults. As a parent and as someone who acts in a supervisory role with children, please make sure to carefully observe as much as you can of a situation before making a judgment about what's really going on. That's especially true w/ girls' social situations.

Very good points, which is why I will have my co-leader lead these activites so it can not be percieved as me picking on the friend.

As far as their friendship is concerned - this will probably blow over soon. Kids at this age are looking to belong and kind of thrive on "high school type drama" because - well at this age they have no drama. I wouldn't get involved in this.

As far as Girl scouts is concerened, as a fellow leader I can tell you the girls get along great when we're doing different activities and keeping busy but I dont think any of the girls are great friends outside of girl scouts. Which is okay too.

Very true - as long as they can work it out so that our meetings/activites can be fun and not disrupted then they do not "have to be" friends outside of GS.

 

[DreaminDisney]

Op I just wanted to say I feel for you. These are tough situations!!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Op I just wanted to say I feel for you. These are tough situations!!

Thanks!

As another poster said -- I need to toughen up. Otherwise I will never make it to middle school with dd.

I just want to do right by my dd. She needs to apologize for and correct her own behaviuor while at the same time not let her self be bullied.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

The 3rd grade is about the time when girls start playing games like this. There isn't a whole lot you can do, in time the girls will get bored of being mean to your dd and they will make up and pick on someone else for awhile.

Your dd needs to make a group of new friends because these current ones are the types that will play these games for a long, long time. Trust me, I know the type.

Yep, 3rd grade sucks!! DD went through a miserable time in 3rd grade. Her so called best friend sided with the mean girls. Now in 4th grade, they have lunch/recess with the older kids. The 6th grade girls love DD and keep the mean girls in check. Her so called best friend can't understand why the 6th graders are being so mean to the mean girls. Basically they are telling the mean girls not to have such an attitude and they're not all that and stop being nasty to other people. As a mother I just sit there and listen. Last year I bit my tongue a whole lot. This year I try not to smile too much.

Hugs to you and your DD.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Very good point about the role playing bit. I try to keep the balance between Mom/leader at the GS meetings - this is a good way to handle that.

But... I do not see DDs response as being mean (ofcourse I admit I am not objective nor am I a 3rd grader). Should dd have agreed not to wear peace signs? Isn't that just giving into her friend? I am trying to teach dd that it is okay to be yourself, not to judge others, and to appreciate everyone is different.

Your dd needs to take the issue down instead of gearing up if that makes sense. Her response pushed away her friend further and made her friend feel like she was done with her. She basically told her friend that if she doesn't like her peace signs then she was not worthy of being a friend. That is pretty harsh.

Now what did your dd "win"? What was the cost? How could she have handled that in a more tactful way?

Right now emotions are high and you and the girls are hypersensitive. Focus more on repairing the situation and not so much on "winning" and the philosophies of life.

Role playing is an excellent way to see how your dd is handling high pressure situations. We did alot of it.

 

[Becky2005]

In my experience, yes it is. Of course that doesn't make it any easier when you are the one going through it. This sort of thing is one reason that I was much better friends with boys than girls by the time I hit junior high - much less drama!

Exactly, just had the same thing happen once again with DD. It seems to be a cycle -- I was betting money that summer will roll around, the girl that was her friend, then wasn't because *another* friend said DD said something (to which DD denies)...all of a sudden this summer they were talking again. I was but just said "OK..I thought you weren't friends" -- they patched things up I was told & stayed out of it! Guess what? It happened again now that school has started. I told DD, watch next summer when she's bored, she is going to call you since we live closer than her other friends. DD has already said she won't give her a 3rd chance, she's done. We will see.

That is when DD told me AND THIS is why I hang out with the guys! I just don't have to deal with the drama.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP. It's so hard to see your little ones hurt & there isn't anything you can do to fix it. It's definitely hard when they won't tell you what happened either (that was an issue with my DD prior -- her friends were mad at her but wouldn't tell her WHY, so, umm...hard to fix or change/apologize when you don't have a clue what you did wrong. Maybe it's practice for when they have boyfriends/husbands? ).

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Your dd needs to take the issue down instead of gearing up if that makes sense. Her response pushed away her friend further and made her friend feel like she was done with her. She basically told her friend that if she doesn't like her peace signs then she was not worthy of being a friend. That is pretty harsh.

Now what did your dd "win"? What was the cost? How could she have handled that in a more tactful way?

Right now emotions are high and you and the girls are hypersensitive. Focus more on repairing the situation and not so much on "winning" and the philosophies of life.

Role playing is an excellent way to see how your dd is handling high pressure situations. We did alot of it.

I see what you are saying. But the problem comes in is that the girl is telling dd in order to be friends with her my dd has to give up peace signs and not wear them on her clothes. Well - school is not problem because they have uniforms but outside of school (girl scouts, after school activities and so so) it is an issue since all of dds clothes have peace signs on them. Short of buying dd new clothes (which I will not do) what is dd supposed to say to this girl? The girl knows all of her non uniform items have peace signs on them and is using this an excuse to be mean.

 

[luvsJack]

When dd had a "friend" that started acting like this, I started encouraging her to make other friends. She would invite 2 or 3 girls over for a sleep over or to go somewhere with us and eventually found her new best friend. Now she is friends with a group of girls with the one being her bff and they do most things as a group. If two start not getting along, they have other friends to spend time with for awhile until the tiff is over.

Kids do this kind of stuff and especially girls and it seems to me the best way to handle it is to stay out of it. It may blow over in a day, a week, or never. Just encourgage your child to make several friends and give miss x enough space of get over herself.


A question about the peace signs totally OT: Is your daughter a fan of Selena Gomez? I ask because dd and her bff adore Selena and Wizards of Waverly Place. On some show she mentioned something about wearing peace signs and now they both wear peace signs in every way they can. Both have a necklaces and earrings with peace signs that they wear almost every day with their school uniforms.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Exactly, just had the same thing happen once again with DD. It seems to be a cycle -- I was betting money that summer will roll around, the girl that was her friend, then wasn't because *another* friend said DD said something (to which DD denies)...all of a sudden this summer they were talking again. I was but just said "OK..I thought you weren't friends" -- they patched things up I was told & stayed out of it! Guess what? It happened again now that school has started. I told DD, watch next summer when she's bored, she is going to call you since we live closer than her other friends. DD has already said she won't give her a 3rd chance, she's done. We will see.

That is when DD told me AND THIS is why I hang out with the guys! I just don't have to deal with the drama.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP. It's so hard to see your little ones hurt & there isn't anything you can do to fix it. It's definitely hard when they won't tell you what happened either (that was an issue with my DD prior -- her friends were mad at her but wouldn't tell her WHY, so, umm...hard to fix or change/apologize when you don't have a clue what you did wrong. Maybe it's practice for when they have boyfriends/husbands? ).

See that was me growing up. My two closest siblings were my brothers. THier friends were my friends. I was such a tom boy. All my neighborhood friends were boys. In middle school I made a couple good girl friends but.. we didn't have this drama!!

Which is why I feel so unprepared to help dd.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

When dd had a "friend" that started acting like this, I started encouraging her to make other friends. She would invite 2 or 3 girls over for a sleep over or to go somewhere with us and eventually found her new best friend. Now she is friends with a group of girls with the one being her bff and they do most things as a group. If two start not getting along, they have other friends to spend time with for awhile until the tiff is over.

Kids do this kind of stuff and especially girls and it seems to me the best way to handle it is to stay out of it. It may blow over in a day, a week, or never. Just encourgage your child to make several friends and give miss x enough space of get over herself.

I am encouraging dd to just that. She has invited a girl over from antoher 3rd grade class to over on Sunday.

 

[luvsJack]

I am encouraging dd to just that. She has invited a girl over from antoher 3rd grade class to over on Sunday.

Good. I hope it works out as well for your dd as it did for mine. Her bff and her are almost inseperable! They just love doing stuff together and going places together; they are so much alike its funny! In fact we have already promised that the next time we go to wdw bff can go with us!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Okay so here is how I think I am going to handle it:

! -- Stay out of it myself

2-- do some role playing with dd at home about this situations and others so she can have some way to deal with them

3-- in the troop situation have my co-leader lead some role playing activites and do friendship work

4-- encourage dd to create new friendships and give her the opportunities to do so

5-- work with dd on her "fighting skills" by which I mean to defend her self, apologize for her behavior when required, and not be as confrontational while doing it -- more claming than fuel firing

Whew -- I really wish dd had come with a handbook. LOL!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Good. I hope it works out as well for your dd as it did for mine. Her bff and her are almost inseperable! They just love doing stuff together and going places together; they are so much alike its funny! In fact we have already promised that the next time we go to wdw bff can go with us!

Well that gives me hope!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

A question about the peace signs totally OT: Is your daughter a fan of Selena Gomez? I ask because dd and her bff adore Selena and Wizards of Waverly Place. On some show she mentioned something about wearing peace signs and now they both wear peace signs in every way they can. Both have a necklaces and earrings with peace signs that they wear almost every day with their school uniforms.

Yes she is! LOL

DD has also discovered a store called Justice. I think everything in that has a peace sign on it - at least everything that dd likes.

DD figured out the one way to get around the uniform rule -- knee high socks. At this point there is no rule on what kind or color your socks have to be. So dd wears all kinds and colors. Many of them have peace signs on them but she also has many that do not.

The Prinicipal at her school gets a kick out of dds socks. It has surprised both of us that more kids are not wearing colorful knee highs to "break" out of uniform. I guess those kids like to match -- dd does not have that problem.

 

[Becky2005]

See that was me growing up. My two closest siblings were my brothers. THier friends were my friends. I was such a tom boy. All my neighborhood friends were boys. In middle school I made a couple good girl friends but.. we didn't have this drama!!

Which is why I feel so unprepared to help dd.

You know, I never thought of it but since DD only has brothers -- she IS quite used to the boy "grosiness/whatever" that the other girls get annoyed with. DD just rolls with it. Of course, she also said she didn't get that the other girls freaked out when she would just go up to any guy and say "Hello" without thinking twice about it. She was telling me about that last year when the friendship was in the "on" stage how they were asking her how she just went up to the guys and TALKED to them. She thought they were nuts. She's umm..you just go up & say "Hi"??? She was telling me she didn't think it was that hard of a thing to do but it probably has to do with the fact that she has 3 brothers, some of the guys have been in classes with her brothers through the park district. She just recently found out one of the guys in her class, teaches her brother Karate. She's been on the bus with another guy (who I think is a Senior this year) who took fencing with another one of her brothers.

My best friend actually went to another school. I will tell you 6th grade was my year of being picked out awful & I became friends with my best friend that year (unfortunately for her...she got picked on too when she decided to be my friend) -- then we hit Middle School and it all changed for the better in my case. Then she moved but only a town over. I think in the end that may have been good, we didn't have the drama because we didn't even go to the same school. It wouldn't have been possible for the ganging up that happens. None of the people we socialized with in HS even knew the other one -- and amazingly enough as adults -- you CAN have more than one best friend. I know my friend has me & another girl that she met at school I think. I'm not friends with the other girl but we are friendly, if that makes sense. I see her at the parties. We were both in our mutual friend's wedding together, etc... Never any problems with us BOTH being "best friends" with her.

I always look at it that way with DD. I know it's a pain. I know it's difficult to go through but once you get out of High School -- if you don't want to, you never have to deal with anyone from there again. It doesn't make it any easier when listening to their woes though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I see what you are saying. But the problem comes in is that the girl is telling dd in order to be friends with her my dd has to give up peace signs and not wear them on her clothes. Well - school is not problem because they have uniforms but outside of school (girl scouts, after school activities and so so) it is an issue since all of dds clothes have peace signs on them. Short of buying dd new clothes (which I will not do) what is dd supposed to say to this girl? The girl knows all of her non uniform items have peace signs on them and is using this an excuse to be mean.

Right it is just an excuse to be mean.

Say things like..peace signs are my thing right now and then leave it at that. Teach her how to not get sucked into the gossip war that is going on. They are egging her on and she is falling for it.

That is your focus. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

Right it is just an excuse to be mean.

Say things like..peace signs are my thing right now and then leave it at that. Teach her how to not get sucked into the gossip war that is going on. They are egging her on and she is falling for it.
That is your focus. I hope that makes sense.

Perfect sense!! Funny I really had not thought of it that way. Not getting sucked in is hard for dd.

She so does not like *******. At home it just her and I and we have a pretty quiet peaceful lifestyle.

 

[BuffettFan]

OP-- You've gotten plenty of good advice, and it sounds like you're going to do a great job of handling it !! It's not easy !!

My DD met her bff in pre-k. They were inseperable for over 10 years. Did absolutely EVERYTHING together. I swear so\ometimes it felt like she lived here. Then at 15 my DD got her first "serious" boyfriend. Then had been dating about 9 mos. when BFF decided to try to break them up....not because she wanted the guy, just because she didn't want my DD to be with him anymore....and just like that...poof! friendship was over ! And after seeing her everyday for 11 years, we never saw her again! BFF was honest about it....she was jealous, and that was that. Girls are crazy !! And they only get crazier (and meaner) as they get into those teenage years. You still have a LONG road ahead !

 

[ICF]

future references, it is a lot easier to follow when you give fake names, not X,Y,Z.

no doubt, i thought I was back in algebra class!!

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

OP-- You've gotten plenty of good advice, and it sounds like you're going to do a great job of handling it !! It's not easy !!

My DD met her bff in pre-k. They were inseperable for over 10 years. Did absolutely EVERYTHING together. I swear so\ometimes it felt like she lived here. Then at 15 my DD got her first "serious" boyfriend. Then had been dating about 9 mos. when BFF decided to try to break them up....not because she wanted the guy, just because she didn't want my DD to be with him anymore....and just like that...poof! friendship was over ! And after seeing her everyday for 11 years, we never saw her again! BFF was honest about it....she was jealous, and that was that. Girls are crazy !! And they only get crazier (and meaner) as they get into those teenage years. You still have a LONG road ahead !

Oh boy -- the teenage years. I will admit I am not looking forward to those.