Very disturbing email from a professor to my DS in college

[Carly_Roach]

I find it disturbing that people think they have the right to attack your parenting skills. People have to be so "politically correct" about everything now. "Oh, how dare the dean share the professor is gay." It's ridiculous. I won't share my views on that, though, as not to get flamed.

I don't know that I'm attacking her parenting skills. The "children" in question are 18 and 21. Old enough to vote, old enough to drive, old enough to get married and one is old enough to drink. Do they really still need "parenting"?

My issue is with her knee-jerk reaction to single-handedly launch a sexual-predator investigation into a very distinguished professor's career based on a one-sentence email saying that her son was cute. She asked for opinions; she got them.

Disagreement and suggestions of possible alternative reasons for why her son received that email isn't attacking someone's parenting skills.

 

[Jennasis]

You're confusing your own story. First post says you pay the tuition, second post says he's on a full ride. Which one is it? Because, according to your logic, if he's on a full ride and you're not footing the bill, the administration shouldn't "listen and take action more."

Perhaps she sends him spending money? Would you like a full breakdown of their financials?

The DIS strikes again...

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

If the professor is distinguished, in his late 50s, and has been with the school for some time, then he is probably tenured.

He ain't goin' anywhere unless it's something major. Calling a boy cute ain't major. Sorry, but true.

true, and now that the OP has totally destroyed any student/teacher rapport, I am sure her son will have a great time in that class, and of course any other ones that are taught by friends of that professor.

because most professors do talk to each other about problem students....

or students with problem parents.

 

[VillageMama]

I have a friend who emails her son's professors about tests and scores, and it just makes me cringe.

I have a son who started college this fall at age 14 (he just turned 15). Up till now I have assumed total control of his education by homeschooling him. It has been so hard for me not to email his professors about tests and grades and such. But I do not do it!

I help him navigate the system but then I force myself to back off. What concerns me about this email situation is that the mother says she immediately called the dean. I think it would have been prudent to have taken some time to talk about it with the son... talk it over with hubby... talk to folks on a message board... and sleep on it before deciding what the best approach would be.

I tell ya... if you can out-helicopter me, you are one whirlybird!

 

[LisaR]

Holy crap! This thread sure has taken an ugly turn.

OP,
I know you are trying to protect your son but you need to remember two things.

1. Your son really is an adult. He could have called you and discussed ways to handle the situation and you could have provided guidance but I really think you need to start allowing him to handle his life. There is a big difference between guiding and support and taking over. Calling the dean seems a bit much.

2. You mentioned religion and praying multiple times in this thread. I have to question the connection between that and the gay professor. If a female teacher would have written the exact same email, would you have called the dean?

I am sorry your parenting skills are being stomped on. I am sure you are a great mom that is just trying to protect your son. It seems like you might need to cut the cord. It doesn't mean you can't be close to your son but you really need to let him handle what life throws at him. In the long run, it will serve him better.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't know that I'm attacking her "parenting" skills. The "children" in question are 18 and 21. Old enough to vote, old enough to drive, old enough to get married and one is old enough to drink. Do they really still need "parenting"?

My issue is with her knee-jerk reaction to single-handedly launch a sexual-predator investigation into a highly distinguished professor's career based on a one-sentence email saying that her son was cute. She asked for opinions; she got them.

Disagreement and suggestions of possible alternative reasons for why her son received that email isn't attacking someone's parenting skills.

Ooh...when did he become highly distinguished?

 

[ogreenlee]

I have a son who started college this fall at age 14 (he just turned 15). Up till now I have assumed total control of his education by homeschooling him. It has been so hard for me not to email his professors about tests and grades and such. But I do not do it!

I help him navigate the system but then I force myself to back off. What concerns me about this email situation is that the mother says she immediately called the dean. I think it would have been prudent to have taken some time to talk about it with the son... talk it over with hubby... talk to folks on a message board... and sleep on it before deciding what the best approach would be.

I tell ya... if you can out-helicopter me, you are one whirlybird!

I'm sending my DD6 to you in August. Thanks.

 

[ogreenlee]

My DS18 who is a college freshman recieved the following email from a 58 year old very distinguished male professor at his school. A little history to help you all understand the content. DS has been ill with mono. He is a member of the University choir and the choir recently went on tour. My son was unable to attend the tour due to his illness. Yesterday he recieved the following email

DD18-

You are just so cute Sorry I just had to say that and sorry you missed the tour.

I immediatley called the dean as well as the department head. I thought this was very inappropriate!

"distinguished" is what the OP called him.

 

[Carly_Roach]

My DS18 who is a college freshman recieved the following email from a 58 year old very distinguished male professor at his school.

Ooh...when did he become highly distinguished?

My apologies. It should have read "very distinguished". I'll go back and change it.

 

[sbsteel]

Perhaps she sends him spending money? Would you like a full breakdown of their financials?

The DIS strikes again...

Because spending money equals 'paying the bills' as the OP stated.

 

[Jennasis]

My apologies. It should have read "very distinguished". I'll go back and change it.

No need to change it. I was actually wondering. I missed that part. Carry on with your OP eviscerating.

 

[fayt19]

I don't know that I'm attacking her parenting skills. The "children" in question are 18 and 21. Old enough to vote, old enough to drive, old enough to get married and one is old enough to drink. Do they really still need "parenting"?

My issue is with her knee-jerk reaction to single-handedly launch a sexual-predator investigation into a highly distinguished professor's career based on a one-sentence email saying that her son was cute. She asked for opinions; she got them.

Disagreement and suggestions of possible alternative reasons for why her son received that email isn't attacking someone's parenting skills.

... I'm sorry, but once you're 18 doesn't mean your mother is not your mother anymore. He's still only 18. She can call the dean if she wants to.

 

[Carly_Roach]

No need to change it. I was actually wondering. I missed that part. Carry on with your OP eviscerating.

No, I changed it. You were right and I like to be correct in my quotes.

BTW, your use of the word "eviscerating" is incorrect. I don't believe any of us are disemboweling the OP nor are we depriving of an essential part of the OP nor are we taking away the force of the OP. We are merely...

...disagreeing.

And voicing our reasons for why we disagree.

I do, however, agree with Grumpy Pirate:

Now that the OP has totally destroyed any student/teacher rapport, I am sure her son will have a great time in that class, and of course any other ones that are taught by friends of that professor.

because most professors do talk to each other about problem students....

or students with problem parents.

I can't see that professor having any kind of warm feelings toward that student in the future. Especially if it turns out that the email was meant in a totally innocuous manner.

UNLESS!

The student sees the professor in the future and tells that professor that he couldn't control his mother or family and requests forgiveness for what happened.

But that's just speculation on my part.

 

[LoraJ]

... I'm sorry, but once you're 18 doesn't mean your mother is not your mother anymore. He's still only 18. She can call the dean if she wants to.

My mother will always be my mother, but she is no longer my "mommy". She and my dad can give me advice if I ask for it, but I am the one who is going to act on it, not them. When I was 19 I moved to NYC and went to a trade school. My parents paid for my rent and tuition. When I was one with school, my dad was in town for business and he told me they were not going to support me financially anymore, I either needed to get a job and support myself. or move back home and go back to college. I had a job within two weeks. He did not make any calls for interviews for me, I did it myself. My parents gave me the guidance that I needed. They did not do the hard stuff for me. That is the difference that many of us are talking about here.

 

[Kath2003]

... I'm sorry, but once you're 18 doesn't mean your mother is not your mother anymore. He's still only 18. She can call the dean if she wants to.

Can she call your bank manager, or your boss, or your doctor too?

 

[EMom]

Holy crap! This thread sure has taken an ugly turn.


2. You mentioned religion and praying multiple times in this thread. I have to question the connection between that and the gay professor. If a female teacher would have written the exact same email, would you have called the dean?

Well, the OP did say something like, "I will pray for you," when someone made the leap in logic that the OP's son might very well be a closeted gay. I loved the irony of that one. Let's see.......Indignant that the OP was reading too much into a gay man writing, "You're cute," to a male student, but more than happy to suggest the son himself was quite possibly gay.

I guess jumping to conclusions, reading more into a situation than is warranted and adding fuel to the fire is a privilege possessed by only a certain few....

 

[NMAmy]

Apparently people forget that freshman in college are still only eighteen years old. They're still babies, as far as I'm concerned. They have their whole lives to have to deal with mean bosses, and pay bills, and have to handle everything on their own. God gave them parents for a reason.

They're not babies and they're not children as much as we might like them to be. They're legal adults. And they will never learn to deal with mean bosses and how to pay bills and handle everything on their own unless their parents treat them as adults and expect them to behave as such.

I'm not saying it's easy--as I said before, I'm the mother of an 18 yo college freshman. But if I treat her as incompetent, chances are good she'll become incompetent. And I'd be doing her a real disservice.

 

[Huggles]

Can't help but wonder what the 18 year old would have done if the e-mail had been correctly addressed. Would he have told his Mum, dealt with it himself or just ignored it as a mental aberration on the part of the Prof?


BTW it would have probably taken me the best part of the day to find out who the Dean was in my DD's faculty.

Having a DD who was physically assaulted in middle school, leading to us putting her in a small private school, we probably find it harder than most to step back and let her get on with her life at University BUT we are managing. We are here for advice and support but SHE wants to get on with things herself and not have helicopter parents. We are SO proud of her .

 

[terri01p]

Can she call your bank manager, or your boss, or your doctor too?

I'm 40+++ years old and I wish like heck that my mom would call my bank manager for me, she would get to the bottom of things with a quickness!

 

[luvmy3]

Regardless of what the professor meant by the term *cute* or whether the professor is gay or not, it is inappropriate to send an email to any student to tell them they are cute. A simple, sorry you missed the tour, hope you feel better soon would suffice. OP, I would have done the same as you.

ETA, I haven't read the whole thread and apparently must have missed something