vent

[disbridemimi]

I'm pretty astonished by much of what I am reading here.

If the issue is chemical addiction (of any kind) or abuse of the now adult child I can completely understand the concerns with spending time with the abusive family member.

That is not what I'm reading here. Essentially it seems like much of the concern (and not just by the OP) is to become the "most important" person in the life of your (soon to be) spouse.

That seems like an unhealthy and immature way to look at the family dynamics. Your spouse/intended can easily have a partner in life who is the beginning and end to him/her without needing to reduce the significance of his familial relationships.

Jealousy of a family member is unhealthy and inappropriate. Recognize that your DH/spouse/partner loves the birth family for all their ways that seem to be inappropriate to you. Those "ways" may simply be different than what you are used to.

Look at what you can do to support your partner in her/his life instead of demanding that s/he undergo changes that may not be necessary.

Honest and strong love does not demand that one be placed on a pedestal.

Wow, is all I can say! You are way off here. Marriage is about working together as a tea, which we do. It is not about one sided support, it is about supporting each other. In the last 6 years we have gone to his parents 5 years, with the exception of last year when I worked. I offered to do one holiday this year and that is IT. I am putting my foot down.


His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going. It really is not an issue of keeping him from his family, we spend a lot of time with his siblings and our nephews. And the people who pretty much raised him (who in my opinion are more parents then his own)


And did I mention NONE OF MY SISTER IN LAWS ever go to to MIL house ever. ANd they also do not let her watch their children. A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

 

[ogreenlee]

My MIL, at our rehearsal dinner 12 years ago, sat her countrybumpkin family all around her... like she was the guest of honor, at this nice inn she chose for the dinner. It was upstairs and downstairs, and the young folks and wedding party were downstairs... not even in the main dining room, and she and her husband sat at the head of the table. There were two other small tables in that room, one on each side. When you walk in, you immediately see my MIL and FIL at the middle... where Jesus would be in the Last Supper.

I walk in after everyone was seated, to greet our guests. I look around and I do not see my mother. Mind you.. my mother, was a widow. My Korean family had flown in from different states and were seated at one table. So after I didn't spot her at the head table, I look to the table with my Korean family. She's not there either. So then I look to the right, and there she sat... my mother... the mother of the bride... with the photographer and the videographer and some other scraggly guests who "had" to be invited. I guess what irritates me the most is that she went on and on about the place cards and where everyone was going to sit for days. I had no idea that my mom would be put on the very back burner. Who would assume that? I cried and cried that night to my girlfriends. I could not believe I was about to marry into that backwoods family of redneck elitists.

That was the beginning for us. I haven't trusted her since, and my gut feeling has proven me right several times over. Still.. in her eyes, she can do no wrong... but oh my God, is she the martyr.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Wow, is all I can say! You are way off here. Marriage is about working together as a tea, which we do. It is not about one sided support, it is about supporting each other. In the last 6 years we have gone to his parents 5 years, with the exception of last year when I worked. I offered to do one holiday this year and that is IT. I am putting my foot down.


His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going. It really is not an issue of keeping him from his family, we spend a lot of time with his siblings and our nephews. And the people who pretty much raised him (who in my opinion are more parents then his own)


And did I mention NONE OF MY SISTER IN LAWS ever go to to MIL house ever. ANd they also do not let her watch their children. A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

You as a couple need some help before your wedding. This situation will only get worse and I'm not just talking about when to visit your inlaws. I'm talking all the way around but especially the money situation. It will only get worse as they get older and will depend on on you even more if they aren't prepared.

I would advise you to seek out some pre-marital counseling or really sit downa dn talk about all this. It can ruin your relationship. The stress that our moms put on us sometimes at the same time is crazy and can drive us crazy. If we weren't on the same page with a plan on how to deal with them, it would destoy our marriage no doubt about it. Please talk all this out now.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Wow, is all I can say! You are way off here. Marriage is about working together as a tea, which we do. It is not about one sided support, it is about supporting each other. In the last 6 years we have gone to his parents 5 years, with the exception of last year when I worked. I offered to do one holiday this year and that is IT. I am putting my foot down.


His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going. It really is not an issue of keeping him from his family, we spend a lot of time with his siblings and our nephews. And the people who pretty much raised him (who in my opinion are more parents then his own)


And did I mention NONE OF MY SISTER IN LAWS ever go to to MIL house ever. ANd they also do not let her watch their children. A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

He doesn't dread it as much as you think if he doesn't say no to them. Also, keep in mind and be prepared in case he ever does tell them no that it will be your fault.

 

[DisneyBrideToni]

I am actually the opposite and love my in-laws and can't stand to be around my family (the are always fighting). There are a few in-laws that annoy me though. You marry into the family of your husband. They are with you no matter what so if you don't like them now, I am sure they aren't going to change. Maybe your future husband likes being with his family and that is why he isn't saying no to hanging out with them. There is no way you can make it so that he doesn't hang out with his family. My brother's wife tried to do that and now they are divorced.

 

[Scurvy]

A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

Certainly if my mother-in-law would refuse to feed my child dinner I wouldn't let her babysit, especially at mealtime. However, I'd still let him visit her with his father. Regarding the bolded - if those arrests were for violent behavior or child abuse, I can understand why you might have reservations about your children being around someone like that.

How does your husband-to-be feel about the fact that you don't intend to allow his children to be around his parents?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, is all I can say! You are way off here. Marriage is about working together as a tea, which we do. It is not about one sided support, it is about supporting each other. In the last 6 years we have gone to his parents 5 years, with the exception of last year when I worked. I offered to do one holiday this year and that is IT. I am putting my foot down.

His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going. It really is not an issue of keeping him from his family, we spend a lot of time with his siblings and our nephews. And the people who pretty much raised him (who in my opinion are more parents then his own)

And did I mention NONE OF MY SISTER IN LAWS ever go to to MIL house ever. ANd they also do not let her watch their children. A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

OP, if this is all true, and your mil IS that bad...
( I, too, started out here under the impression that it was more of a very intense dislike, without any real 'toxic' issues.... But, now I think I may be changing my thoughts on that.....)

But, that makes it all the more important for you to listen to everyone here....
THIS WILL NOT CHANGE!!!!

If your fiance is indeed that 'close' to this woman, and feels obligated to be that close, forever.... And she holds that kind of undue influence over him....

As long as he, as an adult, chooses to stay inappropriately and intimately close to his mother (as in daily and weekly visits, giving money, etc... etc...) then, Houston, we have a problem. He probably WILL be demanding to take the children over there very, very, often... let her babysit, etc.... ( usually, in these situations, what Mama wants... Mama gets....)

Honey, take off the rose colored glasses before you and your relationship with your husband are offered up to the MIL like sacrifices to a god.

UNLESS YOU ARE ABLE TO ESTABLISH SOME PERSONAL BOUNDARIES AND SEE THAT YOUR FIANCE CAN MAINTAIN SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH HIS MOTHER..... I WOULD BE THINKING TWICE, THRICE, AND FOUR TIMES, BEFORE I WENT THRU WITH A MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.

 

[rie'smom]

Everytime I read these threads, I'm so grateful that I love my inlaws and that they love me despite our differences.

 

[Wishing on a star]

His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going.

OP, the ONLY, ONLY, ONLY, thing that matters is that he IS going, and continues to go.
You really need to resist the urge to make excuses for your Fiance here, and face the facts.

This, from your original post... (bolding is mine) NO doubt about what is going on here...

Problem is DF insists that we are "obligated" to go see them. ..... it is a big family so they have BBQ every single weekend all summer long, it is always someones bday or something. ...... etc... etc... etc... it never ends. He insists he has to go on Christmas -AND- Thanksgiving,

Which brings me back to the very first comment I posted...
"Men, and their mothers"

I hope this thread is opening your eyes a little bit.

I have posted this many times here on the DIS
"There are no in-law problems..... only marriage problems."

 

[Wishing on a star]

This, based on my experience with my husband and his parents....

"If he cain't cut those apron strings, then I don't want those wedding rings"

Man, I should write a country song!!!!!

 

[Magic Mom]

Everytime I read these threads, I'm so grateful that I love my inlaws and that they love me despite our differences.

ITA! And I hope (pray) one day my kid's spouses feel the same way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, is all I can say! You are way off here. Marriage is about working together as a tea, which we do. It is not about one sided support, it is about supporting each other. In the last 6 years we have gone to his parents 5 years, with the exception of last year when I worked. I offered to do one holiday this year and that is IT. I am putting my foot down.


His mother is a bully, and he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He does not enjoy going over there, and being treated as a walking ATM. He dreads going. It really is not an issue of keeping him from his family, we spend a lot of time with his siblings and our nephews. And the people who pretty much raised him (who in my opinion are more parents then his own)


And did I mention NONE OF MY SISTER IN LAWS ever go to to MIL house ever. ANd they also do not let her watch their children. A few years ago when lovely MIL was watching the nephews, she went to burger king for dinner, didnt have enough to buy the kids dinner, so she ate herself and sent them to baseball practice hungry. Would you want her near your children? And she wonders why no one lets her babysit. She also has some arrests in her background, so trust me when I say keeping children from her is in their best interest.

YOU need to learn that your DF is going to subject you to his mother. That is what needs to be learned here.

You are not working "as a team". A "team" would have a gameplan that they follow. Right now your DF calls the shots and you sit there and vent, like you are doing now. WAKE UP!

Get some counseling and work through these issues before you get married and have kids.

I have been married almost 19yrs and have a dd in college and 1 in 7th grade.

Marriage on a good day can be tough with normal stressors.

 

[pearlieq]

There are 2 unpleasant options here:

--He doesn't really mind them as much as he says, but isn't strong enough to communicate that to you and work it out. Also, maybe he doesn't find their behavior as unacceptable as you do.

--He does mind it as much as he says, he thinks their behavior is inappropriate, and doesn't have the stones to be assertive and set limits.

Neither one is much of a selling point for someone you'd want to marry. Frankly, I'd offer him the option of counseling which will include coming up with an agreement that you're both 100% on board with for now AND when kids come along, or breaking up.

You're getting a unique, precious opportunity here to spare yourself a lifetime of stress and unpleasantness. Take it!

 

[AmazingGrace]

You all better figure this stuff out, adjust the attitudeor not get married. I've been married for twenty years, which means 20+ years of inlaw love. It's not been easy, but i've had to share my dh, my kids and myself with these people all of my adult life. i couldn't stand them at first, but when i figured out they weren't going anywhere and neither was i, you can bet i learned to gt along real quick. You have to figure out now what hills you're willing to die on and what you're willing to negotiate on. You and your dh will be family and so will you and the inlaws.

 

[bgirl29]

What this teaches your future kids is that their parent's parents are not important

So when THEY get married & their spouse doesnt like YOU-they will do it to you-doncha think???

I have sooo thought that everytime I read one of these In law threads. I also think that, I hope you like spending your holidays alone.

 

[ilovejack02]

What this teaches your future kids is that their parent's parents are not important

So when THEY get married & their spouse doesnt like YOU-they will do it to you-doncha think???

This is very very true.

You can't change anyone, they have to want to change. Sounds like your DF isnt willing too and apparently are you arent really willing to budge either.

I urge you to get counseling before heading down the aisle. You really want to clear this matter up before saying I DO!

I have been married for 15 yrs, we have had our ups and downs.. but me hating his family most likely would have driven us to divorce. Please think about what you are setting yourselves and your future children up for. Your babies to be deserve to have happily married parents .. while yes it doesnt always work out that way, you need to be adult enough to work out a big issue like this before having them.

 

[smkiya]

I'm reading this thread as I'm nursing DS. I looked down at him and thought, "Will my baby boy not want to spend the holidays with me....? That is not acceptable!" Guess I'll be one of those in 25 years .

Ouch, he just bit me! Better toss out Baby Can Read....

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My question for you is...what about your family.

You haven't mentioned any time you are available to visit with your family over the summer (all weekeds are bbq wiht his family) or Thanksgiving or Christmas.

IF this doesn't resolve BEFORE you are married, you are guaranteed to have a show down once you are married.

One partners' family should not be favored over another in a relationship (unless it is the choice of one partner to ditch their family--I'm referring to a partners refusal to associate with "in-laws' in lieu of their own family).

My brother was once in a relationship with this issue. It required an intervention from a third party to provide some assitance to us (a fellow disboarder actually!) due to the nature of the relationship. That partner insisted that my brother only visit his family and his partner refused all contact with my brother's family and even ditched him on his college graduation. (always conveniently ill when my brother's family was involved

What you describe is unhealthy and must be addressed.

 

[ogreenlee]

My DH's biggest issue is that he doesn't want to have to hear it from his mom. Then he went b/c of his Dad. Now his dad is gone, and he feels guilty b/c she's alone.

Thankfully, he's not a mama's boy, and never has been. He never goes out of his way. We would do Christmas, but after our DD was born, then we did Christmas on our terms. She was not happy about it, but we live one state over, and Santa comes to this house, not hers... like she wants it to be.


You need to sit down with your fiance, make some ground rules. You need to let him know what your limits are, and he needs to stand up for you. You will be the one to take care of him, and he of you. When you get married (moms of boys hate this), but the mother becomes the second most important woman in his life (sometimes not even), and if you have children, she goes further to the backburner. It's just the way it is. It is not equal and to pretend the love can be spread as so is ridiculous. When we became husband and wife, I became his number one priority. Any man that chooses his mom over his wife has issues.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

i did refuse to allow my daughter around my MIL for a period of time where she thought i wasn't teaching my daughter good religious beliefs and attempted to have her baptized behind my back in her faith.

Good luck

lara

I'm not done reading this thread yet, but had to comment on this.
My MIL & her sister had their brother's children baptized behind his back! I couldn't believe when I heard this. What kind of people would do this!? Talk about butting in.