vent

[Wishing on a star]

Whether her mil "is that bad" or not really doesn't matter a hill of beans. She thinks the woman is that bad and doesn't seem to be willing to rethink her opinion. Her husband, apparently, doesn't think his mother is that bad and seems to intend on spending time with her and the rest of his family.

So, the OP has two choices. #1 Get out of the relationship now and don't look back. I don't care what anyone says, you don't marry a person you really do marry a family. OR #2 Sit down with your husband to be, be brutally honest with him and see if the two of you can come to an agreeable compromise. (my advice on #2 would be to start every statement with "I feel", not "she does. . . "

Just remember something,OP, this is his family you are talking about. He loves these people and that will not change just because you have a bad opinion of them.

A man should not choose his mother over his wife, but then again; he shouldn't be expected to make a choice--from either woman.

This really nails it!
Best post on this thread, and on the DIS, in a long time!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

I won't even validate this with a comment...

Well, except to say...
You are totally and completely wrong in your assesment.
(We have spent nearly every single weekend and every single holiday, and every single everything with my DH's parents)
Yep, until you have experienced my in-laws, you have no right to pass judgment and make personal comments about another poster ( me ) who is not asking for your hallowed advice.

And, I can also say that, just perhaps, your posts, too, are very biased by the fact that you claim to have the 'perfect' little family situation, and live a million miles away from your own inlaws... and it seems that your opinion of one single niece seems to make you so well qualified to make such judgments.

Until one has walked a mile.......

I thought you weren't going to validate it with a comment.

Sorry...couldn't resist.

I always think of the DISer who has a very astute saying in their signature:

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are".

 

[Katy Belle]

The sister in laws told me to get used to it. I dont think I can, if we ever have children, they are not spending any sort of time at the grumpy house.


What will it take for him to realize that holidays and weekends are not supposed to be about misery? I feel like I am fighting a losing battle..

I haven't read any of the other responses. Perhaps this sounds harsh... but he may not be the right choice of a life partner for you. If you already know that you are unwilling to take your children to their Grandparents house, perhaps they are not the right Grandparents.

When it comes to a husband... choose wisely, you will be with him, and his family for a LONG time.

That being said, my DH is very unlike his parents too, thank goodness. But I can tolerate his parents and feel we are obligated to visit them, and sometimes it is pleasant.


Katy

 

[NMAmy]

Most men don't have to choose between their wife or their mother. My husband loves his parents. It makes sense that he wants to spend time with them. We don't spend as much time with them as he might choose to if he was on his own, and we spend more time with them than I would probably choose to if it was totally up to me. That's compromise. I wouldn't consider him a "Mama's boy" because he went out of his way to see them. He loves them - why wouldn't he go out of his way for them? Frankly I would think less of someone who would turn their back on their loved ones simply because his spouse didn't particularly enjoy their company.

I don't like spending time with my husband's parents as much as he does, but I do it for him. We also spend time with my parents who I'm sure I enjoy spending time with more than my husband does. As a mother of a son, I certainly hope my son chooses a wife who has an attitude more like mine than some of the attitudes I see on this thread. And I really wonder how some people on this thread - particularly the OP - will feel if they have sons who grow up to marry women who dislike sharing their husband with his parents as much as the people on this thread do! Or maybe they intend to wash their hands of their kids when they get married and don't care if they spend time with them and with any potential grandchildren.

ITA, Scurvy. I've had not just one difficult MIL but two in my life--my ex's mother and DH's mother. I dealt with it to make my husband happy.

I mean, let's face it--if you've grown up with a certain kind of weirdness or dysfunction in your family, it seems pretty normal. DH notices the weirdness in my family--I notice the weirdness in his. But it's very normal for a person to still love their family even though they seem strange to others.

And, let's face it, the horrible MIL DID raise a child who turned into the man I loved enough to marry. She must have done something right over the years.

My ex's mother really disliked me but I was polite and kept her involved in dd's life. After we divorced and he remarried, she decided she'd had it pretty good with me and hated his second wife. In fact, she even asked dd if she thought that I would let MIL come live with me. DD told her she should have been nicer to me when I was married to her dad. But my point with this story is that if my MIL had REALLY needed a place to live, I would still have taken her in and I think she knew that even though we'd had our differences.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Prior to our wedding (15 years ago), we actually went through counseling because of her. I debated not marrying him because I knew she was going to cause lots of issues. Our priest said.....you only need to worry about him, he is who you are marrying. It is words to live by.

Sorry but the last person I would be taking marriage advice from would be from someone who will never be/never had been married and will never have to deal with inlaws and outlaws.
You are marrying a family like it or not. I would never keep my dh from his family even if I hated them (which I don't) but if I really hated them I would not have married him. It's not like the family is going to fall off the face of the earth once you say I do.
Your dh still talks to his mother even after she treated your children so poorly. Sure, he didn't talk to her for 3 months but he allows her to still make comments to you and about your children. For me, that would not fly. Even if it was my own Mother I would not put up with it. Sure, you answer her now but from what you posted your DH doesn't. I am happy that that works for you but it would never in a million years work for me. I also would not expect my DH to put up with that if it was my own Mother. I would have stepped in long ago and put a stop to it.
OP- You have to work on a compromise or be willing to walk away. His family will not go away. Anything that annoys you now will be magnified my 9 million when you have a child. I would think long and hard about things. Just the fact that you have to spend every single weekend in the summer with his family and he doesn't say no should speak volumes. He doesn't hate it as much as you think.
Good luck.

 

[alexandria674]

I think that when two people marry, they make their own families however, there is still always going to be a bond with their relatives. Your fiance should not have to choose between his mother and you because that is unfair. I think the two of you should sit down and talk it out, tell your opinion and hear his side but the truth is whatever the resolution, I don't think it is fair he should turn his back to his mother like that. Either you two come to a resolution, or this will be a nagging problem that can actually affect your marriage.

 

[FayeW]

I won't even validate this with a comment...

Well, except to say...
You are totally and completely wrong in your assesment.
(We have spent nearly every single weekend and every single holiday, and every single everything with my DH's parents)
Yep, until you have experienced my in-laws, you have no right to pass judgment and make personal comments about another poster ( me ) who is not asking for your hallowed advice.

And, I can also say that, just perhaps, your posts, too, are very biased by the fact that you claim to have the 'perfect' little family situation, and live a million miles away from your own inlaws... and it seems that your opinion of one single niece seems to make you so well qualified to make such judgments.

Until one has walked a mile.......

I never once, ever, claimed to have a perfect family situation. I didn't always live "a million miles" from my in-laws or my family, either. You don't have to be a rocket scientist or a psychologist to see that my niece is a royal ***** and treats her in-laws deplorably. It is obvious to even the most casual observer.

My advice to the OP is that you don't need to spend every waking moment with them, but you should at least treat them with courtesy and respect when you do see them. As long as you do that you will have no regrets in your marriage.

I also recommend that as soon as you can, you and your fiance start making your own traditions for holidays. You don`t have to dance to somebody else's tune.

 

[Scurvy]

I really think that until you walk a mile in someone's shoes........

I'm sorry, OP, that this thread didn't go the way you wanted it to. I do hope you can find a resolution to your problem that can leave both you and you fiance happy.

The good news, in your situation, is that you don't have to walk any more in your shoes if you find they aren't the right fit for you. Many people who end up in unhappy marriages or with unbearable inlaws don't know that's what they'll be dealing with until after the wedding. You are in a more unique position because you are seeing the reality of the situation while you still have the choice to walk away (without an ugly divorce, at least). I hope that you and you fiance are able to reach a compromise, or that you decide your future inlaws aren't really that bad and you can live with the situation, or that you walk away. Good luck, whatever happens. But remember, the person you are marrying will not magically change just because he says vows. Any problems you have before the wedding will still be there afterward, and if they change at all they will probably just get bigger. I hope you are able to find the best solution for all of you!

 

[monkeybug]

The hardest part of marriage for me was realizing just how different someone's family can be. It was a real struggle for me to spend holidays and important family moments in an environment that made my skin crawl on many, many levels. I eventually had to come to the realization that this was my husbands normal, that while his family has issues, they aren't my issues and its not my responsibility to fix them, and that as much as he hates the issues surrounding his family,he loves them and because I love him I can deal with it a few days at a time.
That said, we both agreed when we got married that we were starting our own family now, and that decisions would always be made with our family at the fore front, extended family is second to that. We spend holidays the way we want our kids to remember them, we practice the religion that suits how we want the children to precieve God, and we won't put our children in situations that we find unhealthy or toxic. We have heard objections from both sides of the fence, had hurt feelings on my husbands side, and had to deal with our share of drama. We always say the same thing. That we love them, we are sorry if they take it personally, but this is what works for our family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Many people who end up in unhappy marriages or with unbearable inlaws don't know that's what they'll be dealing with until after the wedding.

This was my situation...
When I met my husband, his parents lived out of state. They were preparing to retire here. When DH got out of college, he went ahead and moved down here to seek work, keep an eye on their new home, etc...

Even then, their home was almost an hour from me... so when we were dating, even after they moved here, it is not like I saw a whole lot of them. Everything seemed to be available to us where I lived. Nothing there where his parent's retirement home was built.

Then, as we were engaged and married. My husband finally found great employment. (He now has 20 years in!) This required moving across the State, about 4 1/2 hours from his parents.

While I was indeed 'seeing the signs....' I didn't see the full reality until we were able to move back here, towards home-territory, 3 years later.

I agree that the OP is really lucky to be able to see her husband's relationships and attitutes regarding his mother and family NOW.

I was able to be amicable and look the other way for several years... UNTIL our son came along... Once grandma decides that, like your husband and his money, your precious child is 'hers' too.... And, once FIL's nasty behaviors were extended towards my little six year old (instead of just me).

Seriously, I wouldn't want to marry and bring a child into that situation unless I know FOR CERTAIN, that my husband would be able to maintain healthy personal boundaries with his mama, and to put his child, and you as his wife, first when necessary.