vent

[disbridemimi]

Ok guys it seems people are really starting to squabble and be nasty to each other on this thread. I was venting, and I created a monster, so I apologize. Mods? It is starting to be a lot of people attcking each other, not in a respectful manner.

I really think that until you walk a mile in someone's shoes........

 

[glitterkittyy]

Ahhh yes, this brings back memories.

My solution was to move over 1,000 miles away from my in-laws. That worked fabulously though I still have to deal with their phone calls (easy enough to hit ignore, though) and their occasional visits. Still it's been heaven without them!

 

[AKL_Megs]

I know I am being selfish...
Problem is DF insists that we are "obligated" to go see them... Holidays are supposed to be about enjoying time with people you want to spend time with.

Your DF probably "insists" that you are "obligated" to see them, because he WANTS to see them, knows you hate it, and probably doesn't want to start a fight. And, the holidays ARE about being with people you want to spend time with... and your DF appears to WANT to be with his family. Being married is about doing things that you might not want to do, because the one you are married to does. Don't be selfish. Let your DF see his family... annoying as it may be.

And, FWIW, my MIL has been telling the same stories for 10 years. I've started to learn to tune her out, nod and laugh at appropriate times, and think of something else! No need to listen! I know how the story ends! My MIL also constantly talks about how terrible her life is because she has no money (and *gasp* no job) for groceries (but she has money for Nintendo Wii and accessories, and to redecorate her living room for the THIRD time... ), and is constantly telling me about how when my DH was in the 8th grade, she gave him money for a field trip, and it would be nice if he could repay her now...

 

[LindaR]

You need to REALLY read what you just wrote! If it bothers you NOW that he is unable to say "no" or stand up to them......what do you think its going to be like in 1 year........5 years?

It IS his responsibility to make changes IF he really wants the changes to occur......otherwise when you look at his family you will be seeing yourself in the future!

Instead of WISHING for things to be different, you guys need to be proactive and MAKE things different if you want to BE different.

 

[RadioNate]

This has been the dividing issue in my marriage for 10 years.

I don't know what to tell you. I wish I would have put my foot down years ago. My inlaws call and my DH jumps. Still.

Vent away.

 

[DSNLvR]

You cannot change these people. There is very little you can do to enjoy them more. I do not think you are being selfish at all, you picked him, they just happen to come with the package. If he is worth it then you really have no choice but to deal with it.

FWIW I HATE my in laws, none of them work and assume we are rich because OMG we have 2 incomes. They are alcoholics and smoke 2 cartons a week and cant figure out why they cant pay their gas bill each month.

My MIL always has a medical condition (always a personal and disgusting one) that she wants to share with not just me, but my entire family when she comes over. I have learned to ignore her. It is tough because we have kids (a glimpse into your future if you stay with this guy)

But my DH is worth putting up with them the 2 times a year they manage to come over. For the most part we ignore their calls and make sure the visits are short and sweet.

Good luck to you!

 

[Sleepy]

As long as you are welcome to their house, I can't see why you would want to deny your fiance from being with his parents on a holiday. Marriage is about give and take. One day parents won't be around. If you place ultimatums on him now and he doesn't see them, imagine how he is going to feel when one day they are dead and he regrets siding with you just to make you happy because you did not want to hear about hemorroids..

if distance is an issue, travel with him and stay in a hotel. Split the day. He stays with parents and eats, then leaves them and stays with you the rest of the day to enjoy the other meal....or vice versa. There truly are worse things to worry about than your fiance eating a holiday meal with his parents.

 

[disbridemimi]

Ahhh yes, this brings back memories.

My solution was to move over 1,000 miles away from my in-laws. That worked fabulously though I still have to deal with their phone calls (easy enough to hit ignore, though) and their occasional visits. Still it's been heaven without them!

This just might work! lol!!

 

[lovemygoofy]

I know I am being selfish. I hate my future in laws! I am already dreading the holidays that I used to love because it involves spending time at their home. They are miserable people, all they do is whine, moan and complain about how bad their life is and how nothing is their fault (it is BTW, all their fault).They usually hit him DF to borrow money, with a nice long guilt trip invlolved, and he is usually able to say no. (this really irks me) I honestly do not know how my DF came from that family. He is totally opposite of the rest of them.

Problem is DF insists that we are "obligated" to go see them. it is a big family so they have BBQ every single weekend all summer long, it is always someones bday or something. I stopped going a few years back after realizing that it never ends. He insists he has to go on Christmas and Thanksgiving, or he will get an awful guilt trip from his mother. If I have to listen to her talking about her hemmorhoids one more time at the dinner table, I am going to lose my mind. Why can't he just say no to his mother? His brothers all do it too! My future sister in laws all work on the holidays to avoid going, they gave me the idea. SO last year I worked, and this year I will too. We all cannot figure out why they all cannot seem to say no to their mother. The sister in laws told me to get used to it. I dont think I can, if we ever have children, they are not spending any sort of time at the grumpy house.


What will it take for him to realize that holidays and weekends are not supposed to be about misery? I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I miss enjoying weekends and holidays at home.Holidays are supposed to be about enjoying time with people you want to spend time with.

Listen to what you are writing and you arent even married yet. It is time to start ironing things out and making a holiday plan you can both live with.

Why does he insist on going to see his family? Well it is his family and though they may be a pain in the *** I'm sure that he loves them. Because you see it differently and he knows he mom is a pain doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy spending time with his family. That is how he knows family to be until you start TOGETHER making a new way.

My husband and I both have crazy moms, so we have the double trouble. I think that is why we married each other as no one else would be stupid enough to take on the moms Anyways in the end no matter how annoying and how much they drive us crazy, they are our moms and we love them no matter what.

Talk to your finacee now. You really have to resolve this together in a compromise. It's not all about his way or your way. It's a together way. It will get worse when you have children if you don't figure this out now. You and he are a family and need to start your own traditions.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, OP, no surprise or 'wondering' about it at all to me.

Men / Sons and their Mothers....

It is very, very, very, common.....

However, the other poster is right.
It IS his family. For better or worse.
Unless it is a toxic situation (not just - these people are horrid and annoying) you really need to respect the fact that he does have family and that he will want to see them.

As long as there are boundaries, such as 'no more weekly obligated barbeques'... then you should really kind of suck-it-up. Of course, you have a right to your feelings! And, you don't have to really like your inlaws... But, just sayin'.

PS: Been there done that with my inlaws... This post is from somebody who knows how you feel. I did actually have to outright refuse to see my inlaws when FIL was living, because his behavior towards me was nasty and unacceptable and I refused to subject our young son to that....

Guess what - we are still somewhat 'obligated' to drive an hour to see DH's mother, and listen to self-centered comments, and eat her nasty cooking, every single Sunday. I SOOOOO look forward to when we can actually make our excuses and have an occasional weekend without seeing her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This has been the dividing issue in my marriage for 10 years.

I don't know what to tell you. I wish I would have put my foot down years ago. My inlaws call and my DH jumps. Still.

Vent away.

Yes, that is a HUGE problem......
Yes, I know that my husband still has that innate gut-reaction to JUMP....

But, I did finally put my foot down and issue an ultimatum....
Either I get some consideration and respect (equal to or above his parents - now just his Mom...) or he could just pack his bags and go move in over there...
I had to tell him that the next time his parent's 'feelings' or wishes came before my needs, that this would be it....

Yep, one can only be screwed if they allow it.

I feel sorry for your situation.
I could not continue to allow it in my marriage.

Even so, these issues have taken an incredible toll on our marriage.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think you need to figure out how to compromise on the amount of time you spend with them. Christmas AND Thanksgiving? Not necessary, but maybe part of the day on Christmas? Or just Christmas Eve?

And EVERY weekend in the summer? No way. You shouldn't feel guilty about making that 2 or 3 times in total.

However, I don't think it's right to say you're going to avoid them completely after you are married. Your husband has the right to see his parents, and I think it's a spouse's duty to honor her parents-in-law to the extent that she honors her own parents.

They probably annoy you so much that you haven't seen any of their good points yet, but nobody is all good or all bad. You need to open your heart and your mind, and try to find some good in them. They raised your husband, and if he's a good man, he didn't get that way entirely on his own.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I'm pretty astonished by much of what I am reading here.

If the issue is chemical addiction (of any kind) or abuse of the now adult child I can completely understand the concerns with spending time with the abusive family member.

That is not what I'm reading here. Essentially it seems like much of the concern (and not just by the OP) is to become the "most important" person in the life of your (soon to be) spouse.

That seems like an unhealthy and immature way to look at the family dynamics. Your spouse/intended can easily have a partner in life who is the beginning and end to him/her without needing to reduce the significance of his familial relationships.

Jealousy of a family member is unhealthy and inappropriate. Recognize that your DH/spouse/partner loves the birth family for all their ways that seem to be inappropriate to you. Those "ways" may simply be different than what you are used to.

Look at what you can do to support your partner in her/his life instead of demanding that s/he undergo changes that may not be necessary.

Honest and strong love does not demand that one be placed on a pedestal.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know I am being selfish. I hate my future in laws! I am already dreading the holidays that I used to love because it involves spending time at their home. They are miserable people, all they do is whine, moan and complain about how bad their life is and how nothing is their fault (it is BTW, all their fault).They usually hit him DF to borrow money, with a nice long guilt trip invlolved, and he is usually able to say no. (this really irks me) I honestly do not know how my DF came from that family. He is totally opposite of the rest of them.

Problem is DF insists that we are "obligated" to go see them. it is a big family so they have BBQ every single weekend all summer long, it is always someones bday or something. I stopped going a few years back after realizing that it never ends. He insists he has to go on Christmas and Thanksgiving, or he will get an awful guilt trip from his mother. If I have to listen to her talking about her hemmorhoids one more time at the dinner table, I am going to lose my mind. Why can't he just say no to his mother? His brothers all do it too! My future sister in laws all work on the holidays to avoid going, they gave me the idea. SO last year I worked, and this year I will too. We all cannot figure out why they all cannot seem to say no to their mother. The sister in laws told me to get used to it. I dont think I can, if we ever have children, they are not spending any sort of time at the grumpy house.


What will it take for him to realize that holidays and weekends are not supposed to be about misery? I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I miss enjoying weekends and holidays at home.Holidays are supposed to be about enjoying time with people you want to spend time with.

How much do you miss your holidays and weekends without your DF? Is it enough to break up with him and not get married?

You say you don't think you can get "used to this". That is not good.

Our families are just as messed up as everyone else's but my dh and I have no issue with being a couple that respects each other's opinions.

Then again we are not uptight either. So we do not dwell on people complaining. If you want to play annoy us, well 2 can play at that game. Think of it as a sport.

So bottom line you have to find a happy medium of respect between you. That includes you going over there and making an appearance. As Tim Gunn says...."make it work".

 

[Pumbaa_]

Please listen to the many voices of experience here

IT WILL NOT CHANGE

unless and until you and he negotiate the family obligations. What do you want to do for the holidays? What about your family?

My brother and SIL (the only other marrieds in the family) alternate dinner and dessert - one year we see them for dinner at easter and dessert at thanksgiving the next vice versa. We all live in the same area so that works.

When I got married, my in-laws did a big Christmas Eve. So we did Christmas Eve at the in-laws and CHristmas day with my family. I heard some grumbling in the beginning (I was the first to change the family dynamic ), but it was fair and it worked.

I would not give every weekend to anyone! Not my family or his. No way no how. I like to kick back and just do our thing

If you can't negotiate this, seriously, think long and hard about getting married. It will not get better if you get married and then add children.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Ahhh yes, this brings back memories.

My solution was to move over 1,000 miles away from my in-laws. That worked fabulously though I still have to deal with their phone calls (easy enough to hit ignore, though) and their occasional visits. Still it's been heaven without them!

We live on another continent and still are expected to engage in family drama. I married my husband but I can do with out his family and do!! we just say the cost of travel exceeds the benefit, it is the law of diminishing returns

 

[Kitzka]

You can't change people. I also can't stand my in laws. My MIL is a very negative person and hates it when anyone but her has an opinion that differs from hers. we see them on a very limited basis and i don't go. Plain and simple. I am an adult and if it's important for my husband to visit them fine, but i won't go and he doesn't make me.

We do have a daughter and on occasion she goes with him but as she is getting older she sees that her grandmother is very negative and doesnt want to be around it. i did refuse to allow my daughter around my MIL for a period of time where she thought i wasn't teaching my daughter good religious beliefs and attempted to have her baptized behind my back in her faith.

Good luck

lara

 

[Carly_Roach]

Please listen to the many voices of experience here

IT WILL NOT CHANGE

If you can't negotiate this, seriously, think long and hard about getting married. It will not get better if you get married and then add children.

Pumbaa pretty much said it for me. If you're already thinking, speaking and whining about how all your future holidays are going to be miserable, and you're making plans regarding how you're going to get out of spending time with your DF's family, then I recommend you think twice and think twice again about getting married to this person.

 

[Pakey]

I've been married a long time and have hated my inlaws from prior to the marriage too. Feelings have not changed.

Thankfully, my husband does not resent me for feeling the way I do. I think it bothers him that our 3 grown sons do not care for his family but he keeps that to himself. I never said anything to the kids; they came to their opinions on their own.

I do not, never will, begrudge him the time he spends with his family. My opinions about them are my opinions, I don't even discuss them with my husband. They are his family, he loves them.

If he wants to spend every holiday with his family, he does. If he goes to see them once a week, he does. If he wants to take them out to dinner, he does. When the children were younger, we did spend some time with them and I was polite and respectful. Once the kids started opting out of going, I quit going too.

Now that our children are grown, I only see them at the events I cannot avoid (wedding of our children, etc) and I'm civil and polite to them but I try to avoid being situated where I would have to have extended conversations with them.

I agree that you need to come to an understanding with your fiance. You definitely need to work it out before you have children. As much as I dislike my inlaws, I would have never thought to keep them from seeing their grandchildren.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Give back the ring and run. If you cannot stand it now don't kid yourself that it will change. It won't. You will only become more and more annoyed and then you will resent him. Then when the kids are born and they "have" to go visit them you will resent him even more. It is often a small issue that festers and becomes a hideous wound. Now you suck it up. Eventually that will get old and you will feel that you are second best and that your children are second best. Then the problems will really begin.

If you don't want to give the ring back and run then you need to get this all straightened out before you get married. That shouldn't include you working every holiday to avoid them.