VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[Jaime4004]

I have the opposite problem...we have 2 kids, and it took 4.5 years for the 2nd (2 m/c in there). So people assume we are done. No way! I had baby fever almost immediately! My body however didn't agree! DH even said something at a family dinner about having 5 kids and his dad said, "I hope not!"

Me too! We had 2, one boy and one girl 20 mos apart. Most people (family) thought we were crazy for wanting a 3rd since we had the "perfect family" with one of each. To me, it didn't matter that we had a boy and girl, just didn't feel like our family was complete. Now we're quite content with 3...

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

After posting yesterday on this thread , my dear SIL informed me last night that " You are not a REAL parent till you have more than one"..I guess I am not a real parent

I would have punched her. No. But really. So you need to have more than one to be a REAL parent? So what... right now I'm a fake parent?

 

[RooRach0906]

I get this question all the time too except its "When are you going to have the boy?" On my side I have 3 older DSis(s) and 3 DNieces and one more on the way. My DSis(s) are done. On DH side there is one niece and his sister (who well if you cant say anything nice...). So DH and I decided a few weeks after DD was born that unless he gets a promoted or wins the lottery, we are going to have a only. Also, as much as I would love to give my DDad a grandson, there is no guarntee that the next would be a boy and we definately would not have more than 2.

 

[eyor44]

I never ever ever ask child bearing questions. There are too many different situations that people face in life. You never know if you are talking to someone dealing with fertility issues, someone who had a miscarriage, what have you.

At a birthday party recently, someone asked me if my son would be my last child. I took a breath and said, "Well, my husband died a few months ago so .." I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but that is why the kitchen is closed. She was mortified, but that wasn't my intent. We talked for a while so she'd know I was okay.

Just goes to show that child bearing questions are really better left unasked.

 

[FayeW]

The best response I could come up with for the "are you having any more kids?" was to smile and say "not on purpose".

 

[JesB]

I get asked all the time about having another. I had DS when I was very young he's about to turn 16 and I just turned 31, my sisters still insist that if I were to get married again I would want more kids. Uh no, I've been there done that on my own once. I really enjoy being a mom, but I just want to stick with the one have.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

Just because this was your experience doesn't mean it will be the same for everybody. It's condescending to tell another person what they might be feeling because you felt that way. That was the whole point of this thread.

YES! I'm not going to change my mind. My ten year plan doesn't have a baby in it. It does have 3 dogs lol. The only reason it was a no from my OB was that i'm too young and the possibility of it wearing off for me and DH would be high. As he put it "this is how you get a 45 yo woman with a newborn." THAT is why he said wait. He knows I'm serious even suggested Minera so i don't need to take the pill forever.

 

[waltskids]

The best response I could come up with for the "are you having any more kids?" was to smile and say "not on purpose".

Love this quote!!!!! I will use that from now on. When we had no children (for 9 years...by choice) the response was " When are you having a baby?" When we had DS the response was "When are you having another?" After DD was born many people said "So you have the millionaire's family so you're done right?" We knew we were done after DD so when I would say we are happy as a family of four those same people with the 'millionaire' comments would then say "Are you sure? You never know!" I've learned that people just like to sometimes hear themselves talk and believe their situation is the best for all people to be in.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

lol, you really live that tied to a 10 year plan? Guess I should have seen that in your trip ticker for a vacation 5 years away! I can't imagine living that way! And I mean ABSOLUTELY no offense by that. My 10 year plan at 25 would not have included much of my life at 35, nor 35 to 45, and I think that I have the best life ever. I hope that all works out as well for you.

I do still believe that people usually mean best, and that only a few mean to offend.

 

[Michelle and crew]

lol, you really live that tied to a 10 year plan? Guess I should have seen that in your trip ticker for a vacation 5 years away! I can't imagine living that way! And I mean ABSOLUTELY no offense by that. My 10 year plan at 25 would not have included much of my life at 35, nor 35 to 45, and I think that I have the best life ever. I hope that all works out as well for you.

I do still believe that people usually mean best, and that only a few mean to offend.

Been there. I have 3 boys. I still have people ask if we are going to have a girl, and I am 47. People are funny about stuff like that. Only witchy moms say stuff like that, or rude things about large families to be nasty.

 

[LoveKermit]

In regards to the "spare" comment, that was a little insensitive, but it's what my DH is really concerned about. And it does offend me--I'm an only child. I tell him to say that to my parents. And I did have a miscarriage, so maybe it's okay for me to say it like that?

But DH does worry that my daughter will be alone and left to do things by herself. But I think he's become more adjusted to the idea because he sees me and the longevity in my family and figures my mom will outlive him anyway. And that's what friends are for.....

I just don't know that I could be a good parent to two. I sometimes don't always feel like a good parent to one.... (that's because I'm not real, right?)

 

[locolala]

I'm already getting the "when will you have another" question.. and my daughter isn't even 2 months old yet! My MIL told me I shouldn't even bother going on BC because I should try right away for another.. how bout I let my body recover first?

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

I'm already getting the "when will you have another" question.. and my daughter isn't even 2 months old yet! My MIL told me I shouldn't even bother going on BC because I should try right away for another.. how bout I let my body recover first?

Body 1st!

 

[Gigi22]

My fave answer was always, "Because, unlike X (fill in the blank with a female relative's name), I can count from 1 to 28."

 

[Harlie]

Just tell them that you will try and you will have lots of fun trying but tell them you are sure all the practicing in the world will not get you another baby, but you don't mind trying lol!

 

[Tistal]

Try not having (or wanting) any. I usually answer the "When are you having kids?" question with "My DH and I have made a personal, private decision to not have children." When I get the "Well, why not?" with a nasty tone I reply "Because we're waiting for people (with an implied like you) to stop being nosy and rude." Since I know that will never happen.....

 

[BelleRocks]

This is a great thread to remind each of us to keep our questions to ourselves and not be nosy into other peoples business.

I have never asked such a question....but I might not have thought about it if I did! I will now certainly consider all the hurt it could cause.

We certainly don't know the walk other people are going through. These forums can be a great tool (if we use them that way) to learn to see another person's viewpoint. Hugs to those of you who have shared such personal stories.

 

[JUJU814]

In reply to any of these questions we get from others, is it socially acceptable to simply say "none of your business?" I mean, seriously!

 

[Michelle and crew]

In reply to any of these questions we get from others, is it socially acceptable to simply say "none of your business?" I mean, seriously!

I don't think it is ever socially acceptable to be rude. One wrong doesn't warrant another.

 

[Scurvy]

In reply to any of these questions we get from others, is it socially acceptable to simply say "none of your business?" I mean, seriously!

That might be a little bit rude, even if it is true. But there are other ways to convey the same message. It's perfectly socially acceptable to say "That's a very personal question" or "I'm not comfortable discussing that right now" or something similar. (Another option would be to burst into tears and say "I just can't talk about it" a couple of times - people tend to be scared to ask after that.) Those are very difficult to argue with, and it just makes the person look bad if they keep badgering you about it. The most important thing if you don't want people asking stuff like that is to never actually answer them. If you answer, they'll feel they have the right to ask whenever they want. Always repeat the same non-answer and they'll eventually stop asking.