VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[Jazcat]

Well at least they didn't when are you going to have a baby when they know your trying. DH and I have been trying for 4 years with no luck and boy did that question hurt. But now we been blessed with adopting twins. And when people ask we just say if God blesses us again then great! But now our hands are full

 

[jbrnhrt]

DH always wanted two (you need to have a spare in case something happens).

I can't believe people say this as a joke, if you had a miscarriage, or a child with severe disablities like I have you wouldn't think this is funny, and those poor people that have had a child to to heaven...

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Try having 2 (or more, I'm sure!) of the same gender! People ask me all the time when we're going to 'try for that girl'... !

I'd love to tell them that we'd rather have another boy, but I don't want them to think I have something against girls!

i always said "no, we aren't trying for a girl...we are trying for blue eyes." my sibs and i all have blue eyes, married to brown eyes. There is 1 blue eyed grand child.

I do my best to remember that i have said stupid things to, and grant the grace that i want when i do.

 

[RMulieri]

I think that topics like this are hard. OP wanted to vent, that is understandable. Just like the person who asked the question most likely was not trying to be pushy or hurtful, just curious and making small talk. At the same time there are many people who have many kids and disagree, that is their right. For me, it was a hurtful question not because I didnt WANT more but because I was doing everything physically and financially possible to have more. It hurts to be asked for 4-5 years when #2 is coming when you have been trying. I think that what we all need to remember is that we should not over react to someone who is just trying to be friendly, and at the same time we need to remember that maybe there are better ways to talk about this with friends.

I hear ya..We were told by a specialist "NO more ".It is hurtful especially when people say things like that

 

[RMulieri]

After posting yesterday on this thread , my dear SIL informed me last night that " You are not a REAL parent till you have more than one"..I guess I am not a real parent

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I can't believe people say this as a joke, if you had a miscarriage, or a child with severe disablities like I have you wouldn't think this is funny, and those poor people that have had a child to to heaven...

I don't get offended by the thought. And I have lost a son. Had I not had my other children I probably would have shot myself. I am really glad that my children will have each other as they grow into adulthood, and have people who have that history with them, and that they had each other when their sibling passed.


So, to that poster that was being chastised, no worries at least with one.

 

[jbrnhrt]

I'm not trying to chastize anyone, like I said earlier, people should have as many kids as they want for whatever reason they want as long as they love and care for them, but I personally can't understand having a "spare child", we didn't have #2 to be a backup since we almost lost #1 a few times... I just personally don't understand it, that's all, maybe I feel this because of the health issues involved with my children, and fertility. To each their own

 

[eyor44]

OP, by your siggie your baby is only 7 months old, bless your heart, and people want to know when you are having another? People are just rude in my opinion.

I have three DS24, DS15 and DD7 and people still want to know when I'm having another.......

 

[reyn74]

IME it is usually a compliment when people ask if you are having another. That means that you have cute kids and seem to be doing a fine job of raising them, so they want to know when you will have more. I'd bet 99% of the time, people are not trying to be rude or snarky, just making conversation.

 

[Nanu57v]

I have the opposite problem...we have 2 kids, and it took 4.5 years for the 2nd (2 m/c in there). So people assume we are done. No way! I had baby fever almost immediately! My body however didn't agree! DH even said something at a family dinner about having 5 kids and his dad said, "I hope not!"

 

[okeydokey]

Yeah, I was like you. For years I wasn't planning on having any kids....you know women's lib thing.....school, career, secure financially, etc. Then my biological clock went off and had two within two years: a girl and then a boy. Perfect Presto! About 6 mos. after my second was born we were up to our eyeballs in diapers, bottles and binkies and one very colicky baby. My husband came down one day and said he'd made an appointment to have a vasectomy and I was cool with that. I was overwhelmed with babies and the thought I definitely don't want any more. Besides two seemed politically correct if you know what I mean. Now here I am ten years later living with the biggest regret of my life. What I wouldn't give to go back and have two or three more. I always thought kids were these life sucking, emotionally and financially demanding monsters. Pretty harsh huh? I was so wrong, they're the neatest little people in the world. It never amazes me what they say and do and they can be pretty close to geniuses. But then I am biased.

All in all, wait a year or two, or maybe even five and then reevaluate how you feel. You never know you might change your mind. And if you don't, then at least you know you'll have spent enough time thinking about it before you do anything serious.

Just because this was your experience doesn't mean it will be the same for everybody. It's condescending to tell another person what they might be feeling because you felt that way. That was the whole point of this thread.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Just because this was your experience doesn't mean it will be the same for everybody. It's condescending to tell another person what they might be feeling because you felt that way. That was the whole point of this thread.

lol, she didn't tell the op what she might be feeling, she told her what she might feel. Big difference, and how is that offensive unless you want to be offended. The op doesn't know how she will feel down the road, no one does. It is always a w.a.g.

 

[judypriv]

Now we have 2, a boy and a girl 11 months apart and we would LOVE another baby. We are currently hoping (not trying but not NOT trying) and people act like we are NUTS! If we even mention another baby we get "Why would you want another? You have a boy and girl, a perfect family." What's perfect for some isn't perfect for others. I am the youngest of four and my husband the middle of three and we have always wanted at least three. At my age I'm thinking one more would be enough and he agrees so here's to hoping!

Perfect strangers have stopped me and said "Oh, your children are gorgeous.You have one of each so you're done right?" I feel like saying "Who are you and why do you care?"

My cousin has one and she's perfectly happy. She completely admits that she has enough patience for one and she doesn't not want to do diapers and feedings and baby food, etc. again.

My SIL has one and she didn't want any! My brother has been trying to force her into another and she doesn't want anymore. I tried to explain to him that he's making her uncomfortable and some people are happy with one and others more.

If you can afford them and can love them then it's up to you to decide how many kids you want.

 

[Minnie J]

Haha this sounds like what I endure mostly every week. My friends say "nini are you having another one" I say I got my tubes clamped. Check back in 5-7 years"

 

[DVCBELLE]

Just because this was your experience doesn't mean it will be the same for everybody. It's condescending to tell another person what they might be feeling because you felt that way. That was the whole point of this thread.

She was just giving her opinion on how she felt not being rude or condescending. The OP wanted to vent about the reactions she was getting and this was another side to the equation. Maybe if the OP understood why some people say that it will help her get less irritated.

I have a SIL who swore one child was it - she would never do that again - pregnancy was the worst thing ever and why any human being would be stupid enough to do it again was beyond her - I think she said it almost EVERY time I saw her during her pregnancy. One day I said - the beautiful thing about childbirth is that it somehow erases the hell of pregnancy. She laughed and said there was no way. Her boys are 18 months apart! She couldn't wait to have another baby once the first one was born!

People change their minds. I know people who were as dead set against a second child as the OP and have 3 or 4 now. Even her doctor says she is too young to take permanent action against getting pregnant again and while that is possible - her DH could easily have a vasectomy and that would be permanent.

We have 2 and you can count us in the category of those who regret making it permanent - I would give anything to have another baby right now.

I think it is very common to ask people if they want more children - for me - its a curiosity about their life and plans - the rudeness is in the reaction.

 

[Nanu57v]

lol, she didn't tell the op what she might be feeling, she told her what she might feel. Big difference, and how is that offensive unless you want to be offended. The op doesn't know how she will feel down the road, no one does. It is always a w.a.g.

I agree! I counseled a friend of mine this same way. Make note of your permanence feelings and revisit in 6 months. She decided on a fourth.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well on the other end we always get "You're done right?" As if our choices effect anyone but us. Then when we say that we would like more we get the whole "You are crazy!" Sorry but that is so rude. We enjoy our kids and having people act like we are insane because we have them is insulting. I think that people in general don't know how to just congratulate people and be happy for them.

 

[ncmomof2]

I don't think anyone is try to be mean or rude by asking if you are having more kids, just curious (at least I hope so). It is each families individual choice at how many kids you will have. And no one should judge either way, whether you have one or 10.

Now I do think it is is rude when people assume a child is an accident (whether the kids will be close together or if you have alot 3,4,5 ...) and when people assume you have more to get the other gender.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I just told them I quit. Then they say, "well you never know" then I respond, "why yes I do... I got fixed." (had a tubal after DD was born)

That usually stops the inquiries.

 

[luvmy2babies]

I never ever ever ask child bearing questions. There are too many different situations that people face in life. You never know if you are talking to someone dealing with fertility issues, someone who had a miscarriage, what have you.

At a birthday party recently, someone asked me if my son would be my last child. I took a breath and said, "Well, my husband died a few months ago so .." I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but that is why the kitchen is closed. She was mortified, but that wasn't my intent. We talked for a while so she'd know I was okay.

Just goes to show that child bearing questions are really better left unasked.