Vent-Explain my BIL to me please!

[punkin]

So, I've been begging my BIL to send me my DNiece for a week or two this summer and he kept putting me off and making excuses until I was ready to scream. So, in order not to spoil everything by telling him off, I sicked my DH on him. BIL agreed to send DN, but wanted to talk with me to "make sure I was OK with taking her" Are you kidding me? I've been begging for over two months. I haven't seen her since the winter and then only for a couple of hours. What is this man thinking? (background: my niece is my sister's who passed away daughter)

 

[ecuagoddess]

So, I've been begging my BIL to send me my DNiece for a week or two this summer and he kept putting me off and making excuses until I was ready to scream. So, in order not to spoil everything by telling him off, I sicked my DH on him. BIL agreed to send DN, but wanted to talk with me to "make sure I was OK with taking her" Are you kidding me? I've been begging for over two months. I haven't seen her since the winter and then only for a couple of hours. What is this man thinking? (background: my niece is my sister's who passed away daughter)

Perhaps he has a personal reason why he doesn't want to send his child away? He was obviously trying to say NO to you without actually saying it, and you didn't take the hint. I understand wanting to see your niece, but the parent has the final say in decisions regarding the child, especially if he is the sole caregive at this point.
Now, if the niece is begging to go, and you are begging to have her, then I don't understand his hesitation.

 

[momof1princess]

i agree with the PP...it sounds like he was trying to say no without actually having to come out and say it. i hope the two of you can work it out so you can see your niece.

 

[minniecarousel]

How old is the niece? How far away does she live?

He may have some really valid reasons not to send her.

Talk to him calmly and ease any fears he may have.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I agree - sounds like Dad was trying to find a way to avoid the issue because he doesn't want his DD to go. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Are you a crazy/irresponsible aunt? Do you smoke? Do you not have a clean house? Do you know if the child has structured plans for this Summer? How recent was the death of your sister? Is he maybe not wanting her to go because he lost his wife? Did you get along with him when your sister was alive?

I'm an aunt too and I understand you wanting to visit with your niece, but what if maybe she doesn't want to go and he's sparing your feelings?

Why would you dare send your husband after him? This could have made your situation worse. You get better results with honey...


I don't know anyone in your family, but if it were me, I'd explore maybe trying to get a hotel near them with their permission so that you can visit on their schedule.

 

[punkin]

I quite realize he wanted to say no (for whatever reason). However, what I don't understand is why he felt the need to double check with me that it was OK with me that she come when I have been asking for months.

 

[2x_dis_dad]

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone.

 

[punkin]

Why would you dare send your husband after him? This could have made your situation worse. You get better results with honey...

That's precisely why I set my DH, because I did not want to have an argument. DH is not as emotionally involved and is better able to keep his head in this case.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I quite realize he wanted to say no (for whatever reason). However, what I don't understand is why he felt the need to double check with me that it was OK with me that she come when I have been asking for months.

If you knew he wanted to say no, why did you push it? Maybe that's why he wanted to check with you before making arrangements for his daughter, he doesn't want her to go at all.

 

[Pakey]

Maybe he was hoping for one last time to get out of having to send her?

 

[punkin]

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone.

That's why he has a new wife. She can keep him company.

 

[punkin]

If you knew he wanted to say no, why did you push it? Maybe that's why he wanted to check with you before making arrangements for his daughter, he doesn't want her to go at all.

I pushed it because I want to see her.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I pushed it because I want to see her.

But you are not her parent. The parent says where the child can go.

Of course you wanted to see her, again, I'm an aunt and I understand that part. Can you try and understand that with you being pushy, you can cut off ties? You don't want that.

Does she want to see you?

 

[punkin]

But you are not her parent. The parent says where the child can go.

Of course you wanted to see her, again, I'm an aunt and I understand that part. Can you try and understand that with you being pushy, you can cut off ties? You don't want that.

Does she want to see you?

I am a little confused here. What exactly is your point? Of course her father has the final say. That's exactly why I was asking him. It's not like I could force him to do anything.

And yes, she has been asking to see me as well (well, not so much me as her cousins)

 

[TwinsinCA]

I agree with the other PPs who are saying he really doesn't want to send her and his stalling is an attempt to give you a big hint.

If you want to see her so badly, go visit her.

 

[lillygator]

mayeb he does have reasons he did not want to send her to you. I know I don't want my girls off staying with other members of the family.

 

[mumom95]

So, I've been begging my BIL to send me my DNiece for a week or two this summer and he kept putting me off and making excuses until I was ready to scream. So, in order not to spoil everything by telling him off, I sicked my DH on him. BIL agreed to send DN, but wanted to talk with me to "make sure I was OK with taking her" Are you kidding me? I've been begging for over two months. I haven't seen her since the winter and then only for a couple of hours. What is this man thinking? (background: my niece is my sister's who passed away daughter)

Has he talked to you yet to make sure it's ok? Maybe that's another stall tactic.

It does sound like he doesn't want to send her and he is trying to give you a hint without saying it. Why? Who knows. You sound like a loving aunt and I imagine your neice wants to hang on to her mother's family.

Is there any chance the new wife wants to cut all ties with your family?

 

[punkin]

Has he talked to you yet to make sure it's ok? Maybe that's another stall tactic.

It does sound like he doesn't want to send her and he is trying to give you a hint without saying it. Why? Who knows. You sound like a loving aunt and I imagine your neice wants to hang on to her mother's family.

Is there any chance the new wife wants to cut all ties with your family?

Yes, I spoke to him and he agreed. I really don't know why, and frankly I don't really want to ask him. I am just relieved she is coming.

Actually, the new wife is very nice and seems to have no problems with me and I have no problem with her either. I really don't think it's coming from her.

 

[Handbag Lady]

My point is that you've asked and asked and he didn't make arrangements and you seem to know he doesn't want to send her, so you ask your husband to ask and again her father is hesitant to send her...see where I'm going?

That's why he asked again if it was sure to send her. It sounds like he really doesn't want to send her.

That's also why I suggested that perhaps you make arrangements to visit their area.

I hope I don't sound too harsh. I do get that you want to visit with her. If my niece lived far away, I'd want to see her a whole lot, too.