Update Post 49 -- Feeling like a bad parent: have never had a playdate at my house

[Scotch]

My older son is turning 10 soon and it just hit me that I've been a terrible parent. We've never invited any of his friends over to the house to play. He used to get invited to a lot of playdates; but those invitations have dwindled over the years, and I'm guessing the lack of reciprocity is a reason why.

I live in a neighborhood with many households that have one stay at home parent, so there are (or used to be) a lot of playdate offers after school. But until recently, DH and I both work full time and the kids go to after school care. (My work hours have been cut back just recently.) During weekends we have language classes, soccer, and swim lessons; otherwise we either just want to spend time with our two kids and do family stuff or they play with each other. In the past, whenever the thought comes up about inviting a kid over to the house on the weekend, DH and I would nix it immediately because our house is a mess (and we're embarassed). [We've also never invited our own friends over for dinner because of the household mess issue. But that's for another day.]

I can't sleep now as I'm feeling overwhelmed about this all of a sudden. I think it's because of DS's upcoming 10th birthday. And I'm wondering if we've caused DS any psychological harm as a result of all this. He is an introvert to begin with and has never asked to invite anyone over; the fact that we constantly mention "if we could get the house clean we could invite folks over" probably hasn't helped. I feel just terrible and wonder if it is too late to start extending invitations to have one of his friends over on a weekend when we are free. I don't even know how to entertain another kid.

UPDATE ON POST 49.

 

[PollyannaMom]

No, you haven't scarred him for life. (But you're normal for worrying - it's in the "mommy job description" to wonder whether we're doing it right.) As an introvert, though, he probably hits his limit of playing with other kids at aftercare and activities most weeks, and hasn't even wanted anyone over.

If he does, now that you're home more and he's with groups less, it's not too late to start! - And 10-year-old boys do not care what your house looks like. You're past the stage where their moms want to stay for coffee while the kids play, so you're good there as well.

I think the easiest way to start is to let him invite somebody from one of his activities home to play after. The parents already know you, the kids already have something in common, and it will be a short play date to start with, because half the afternoon is already gone at the activity.

 

[Christine]

OP, you sound a lot like me! My kids are now 19 and 22.

I hardly ever had kids over because my house always looked like a tornado went through it!!! We both worked full time and our weekends were taken up with the kids' activities, grocery shopping, cleaning, and getting organized for the week ahead. We were just never really home.

After about age 5 or 6 though, we didn't really concern ourselves with planned "playdates" that involved reciprocity or other parents. That seems to be for the little ones.

Once my kids got to that age, it was mainly by daughter who had "sleepovers" or she was going to them. We didn't have a lot of sleepovers at my house for the same reasons you mentioned. I really never had an area to do it nor could I find the time to really clear out a space. But we did manage it a few times. My son--well, he never had anyone over because the boys just didn't really seem to do that.

It really just was not a big deal.

We are also a house full of introverts! We certainly do enjoy being with others, we love our friends, but entertaining is very stressfull for all of us as you have to be so "on" for many hours. Extroverts are invigorated by that sort of thing!!

I was lucky in that when my kids were little, I did have a few stay-at-home mom friends who really understood my predicament and never held it against me that I couldn't have their kids over all the time. I certainly did what I could but I always felt it wasn't equal on my part.

 

[lauradis]

I would say your a bad parent, for have a messy house if it's so messy that you wouldn't allow people over, but only if your kids want friends over and you keep saying no and using house as an excuse.

You now have more time off make getting your house in order your priority, if it bothers you so much you cant sleep.

 

[Disneylover99]

Don't feel bad. We suffer from messy house syndrome too. We invite people over for dinner because it forces us to clean up.

My 10 year old son is also an introvert. He's had two friends over a few times over the years, but he really doesn't want friends over. He explained that it's because his home is where he wants to relax and be himself. It makes sense to us.

I would just ask your son if he would like to have a friend over. If he does, great, invite someone. If not, don't worry about it. It's never too late. But you're right, don't mention the messy house problem.

Good luck!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I would say your a bad parent, for have a messy house if it's so messy that you wouldn't allow people over, but only if your kids want friends over and you keep saying no and using house as an excuse.

You now have more time off make getting your house in order your priority, if it bothers you so much you cant sleep.

I kind of agree but I wouldn't say bad parent. Maybe just that OP needs to MAKE time to clean. Even just the basics.

It doesn't take much to make a house presentable. Go through one day(make it a family thing) and get it all in order. Then just do a little upkeep everyday.

I know it sucks to come home dog tired and clean(NO ONE likes or wants to do it.), but picking up a little at night shouldn't take you more than 30 minutes. It just can't get out of control because that is what causes the overwhelming, don't even know where to start mess.

Sounds like you know what you need to do OP.

 

[NewRVLady]

One of my kids was an introvert-BUT he had a "best" friend and they always played after school and weekends-mostly at friends because he lived in a mini farm with acreage to roam.

For birthdays at 10 we did the game place with a very small group-like 6 kids-3 from neighborhood and 3 from school
Does he have kids to invite to his birthday?

 

[bigbabyblues]

We never had a lot of arranged play dates either, and none after they started school. The kids in our neighborhood just play outside after school and in the summer, nothing arranged, they just play with whomever is outside. Ride bikes, play basketball at the dead-end of our street (4 houses down from us), go from yard to yard, just do whatever. We live in a small neighborhood, though, with a dead end street and about 5 houses with kids. They all play on our end of the street since it is further from the road.

My house is never perfectly clean, either. We have a lot of clutter due to DH's photography and framing business, I just try to move it all to one area and keep the rest picked up as best I can. Kids don't care about the mess. I do clean the kitchen every day and make sure the floors are clean.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm not sure how you have managed to not have other kids over before now. We were always bombarded after games and practices with requests to have this or that kid come home with us. These things were never something arranged long in advance, just "mom, dad, can so and so come home with us?"

Boys are so easy for this. They shoot baskets, they play video games. Let your son guide you.

10 was an awesome age for birthday parties. Rock climbing, laser tag..... I bet you have something along those lines in your area.

 

[anniemae]

I'm sure he is fine! It's not like he never had anyone over and all he did was play by himself in his room never interacting with another human being. He goes to after school care, which enables him to play and socialize with other kids and you stated weekends are spent at swim lessons, soccer etc. Sounds to me like he is very well rounded. He may need that down time at home, sounds like he is out and about quite a bit.

If you want to have friends over, go for it. Believe me a 10 year old boy is not interested in the least about your housekeeping skills. Have them play outside if it bothers you, or have the boys meet somewhere to play, like a park, or mini golf or an arcade.

 

[burnurcomputer]

Okay, I am of the school of thought that a messy home is not a huge deal. My house is only ever "clean" for holidays. now, its actually clean, its not like there is filth or garbage around. My house is cluttered and looks messier then it actually is. I have a cleaner come once a week for two hours, it helps with my stress and anxiety, and I am a SAHM.

I have only had a handful of kids at my house a few times. My neighborhood is a very nice older one that is transitioning to younger couples as the older ones die off, sounds harsh but its the truth. There are just not enough kids his age to have a gaggle over and hanging out.

My oldest is more of a loner/introvert, my 2nd oldest is much more social. I don't worry about their interaction with others, they will let me know if they are uncomfortable and want more interaction with others. Plus, between my house of 4 kids, and my ex-husbands house of 4 kids, my kids are playing and spending time with siblings.

 

[LiveYourLife]

OP, I don't think your child's friend(s) would give a rip about your house being messy. At that age, they just want to play! If you are worried about what their parents will think, meet them outside for the drop off and pick up. I'm sure you think your house is more messy than it really is. Unless we are talking hoarder level, and that would be a whole different thread.

I feel that everyone in a family (ten year old included) needs to contribute to the keeping house clean. Not just you....

 

[teller80]

No, it's not too late, but it may be a little tougher to get kids to come over at this point.

I would start by hiring someone to clean your house. Yes, PAY someone! You've been putting it off for ten years, it's time now to get professional help.

Then you'll have to make an effort to get kids to come over. Don't let the birthday party be the first invite, it'll look like a gift grab. Buy some nerf guns and have him invite some friends over for a war. Serve pizza. Get a gun for yourself and your husband and join in.

Take a group of kids somewhere - a movie, laser tag, SkyZone... If you put in the effort now, you'll be rewarded in spades later. In 8 years years he'll be in college! Don't put it off, just do it. Push past your comfort zone.

 

[OttawaDisGirl]

It's true. I generally agree with the posters here on the board. It's not horrible. We're full time working parents and there never is time (it seems) to spend on a good big cleaning. It could be your son (or mine) didn't consider having people over because the subject was closed. You could put it out there to see if your son *wants* a play date. Nothing like a deadline to motivate you and the fam to get started on sorting and tidying up.

 

[wallawallakids]

It's not too late to start! Just invite someone over. Go for it. You will feel better.

I get the being busy thing. We have 4 kids and are constantly running somewhere (often splitting the family up to do it). But we seem to always have friends over. Mostly neighborhood kids (in the summer it gets to the point where I am kicking 7 kids out to play to get some sanity!) But I do think it is important to have them over. It also allows me to get to know their friends more. (Not really spying, but I learn really quick which friends I want to encourage more and which ones I don't!!) Plus I do think it gives the kids some pride, having them in their space.

When we moved to this house I was hesitant, not because it was messy, but because we had almost no furniture. We moved cross country and sold everything before coming here. But we are not rich, so we couldn't just run out and buy all the stuff we needed. It was hard at first to explain why we didn't have a couch, or a dining room table, or even beds! But I got over it. The kids didn't care and after they asked, it was forgotten. (Plus now when people come over they are like "Wow, you got a sofa!" ) Long story short, I am glad I didn't let my embarrassment over the issue stop them from coming over because it helped them make some great friends after our move here.

Good luck, OP. And I do not think you are a bad parent at all. Parenting isn't measured by play dates.

 

[kate_wdw]

Focusing on the past and guilt tripping yourself does no one any good.

Just focus on getting the house clean, (as a family) keeping it clean, and encourage your children to socialize more. They don't have to be extroverts, but friendships are important to mental health in general and your son will soon be entering an age in which friendships are extremely important.

 

[Sparkly]

I never got to have anyone over when I was a kid and I'm fairly well adjusted! My birthday parties were always at a hall or something.

 

[Poohforyou]

I don't think you've done psychological harm but I think using the messy house excuse is kind of lame. Kids aren't going to notice your messy house and you don't need to invite parents past the front door. At age 10 there isn't any need for you to involve yourself in playdate activities beyond providing snacks.

Your child is at an age that he could be starting to be left out of things because you aren't reciprocating. Have your son and daughter each invite a friend over for a few hours and use that to do some cleaning and organizing.

 

[Bluestars]

Our family has had kids over hundreds of times. I can't imagine never having any kids over. It's not too late to start now though.

Since you feel uncomfortable about the condition of your house, then cleaning it will probably be the first step. I would designate a weekend where every family member helps. It might help to make a list of the things you want to accomplish and give every family member assigned duties so that it won't seem so overwhelming. Maybe tackle one room at a time, starting in the living room. This can be done and you will feel so much better once you get the situation under control.

You might want to consider having a yard sale to get rid of stuff you no longer need or gather it up and take it to Good Will. Things accumulate over the years and if you don't keep up with it on an annual basis, they can pile up and seem overwhelming.

Also, storage containers might help you get organized. Maybe there are extended family members who would be willing to help you. Some people are great at getting things organized.

The next thing is inviting kids over. That's easy. We used to order pizza and stock up on drinks. Sometimes I would make a batch of cookies. The kids played video games or watched movies. I didn't need to entertain them. We have had too many sleepovers to count. There really isn't much to having kids over. They have fun just being together and hanging out. Sometimes we would take them to see a movie or skating.

It's never too late to change. Good luck. Your son is only 10 and has many years left at your house.

 

[TimeforMe]

Like some other posters said, get over the guilt but make some changes. The fact that you never have people to your home because it is so messy is a huge red flag to me. Your children are just a product of this and while "suffering" may be too strong a word, they're not being given the same things other children are because of that. Children need to feel that their home is theirs, too, and friends should be welcome there and a part of that. It seems that the fact that your house isn't clean is affecting your life in a big way. Do something about it. Your kids are obviously used to not having friends over now, but believe me they are feeling left out because of it.

Sorry if this was harsh but I'm assuming you wanted honest opinions.