Update Post 49 -- Feeling like a bad parent: have never had a playdate at my house

[Disney Doll]

OMG Thank you for the wonderful step by step, room by room instructions! I need this and reading the steps laid out makes everything seem less overwhelming. I'm going to print this out and follow this.

And because the clutter is in separate "containers" it is not overwhelming at all. You can go through 1 or 2 per day...probably 30 minutes of time.

 

[lauradis]

I kind of agree but I wouldn't say bad parent. Maybe just that OP needs to MAKE time to clean. Even just the basics. It doesn't take much to make a house presentable. Go through one day(make it a family thing) and get it all in order. Then just do a little upkeep everyday. I know it sucks to come home dog tired and clean(NO ONE likes or wants to do it.), but picking up a little at night shouldn't take you more than 30 minutes. It just can't get out of control because that is what causes the overwhelming, don't even know where to start mess. Sounds like you know what you need to do OP.

I don't mean bad as in horrible oh the shame.

Bad as in your in control and you lost it get it back.

Nope my house isn't perfect but I refused to have a museum or very dirty house that I'm ashamed to have people over.

 

[teller80]

I'm bumping this thread to see if Scotch has had any playdates yet.

 

[carrie1626]

My older son is turning 10 soon and it just hit me that I've been a terrible parent. We've never invited any of his friends over to the house to play. He used to get invited to a lot of playdates; but those invitations have dwindled over the years, and I'm guessing the lack of reciprocity is a reason why.

I live in a neighborhood with many households that have one stay at home parent, so there are (or used to be) a lot of playdate offers after school. But until recently, DH and I both work full time and the kids go to after school care. (My work hours have been cut back just recently.) During weekends we have language classes, soccer, and swim lessons; otherwise we either just want to spend time with our two kids and do family stuff or they play with each other. In the past, whenever the thought comes up about inviting a kid over to the house on the weekend, DH and I would nix it immediately because our house is a mess (and we're embarassed). [We've also never invited our own friends over for dinner because of the household mess issue. But that's for another day.]

I can't sleep now as I'm feeling overwhelmed about this all of a sudden. I think it's because of DS's upcoming 10th birthday. And I'm wondering if we've caused DS any psychological harm as a result of all this. He is an introvert to begin with and has never asked to invite anyone over; the fact that we constantly mention "if we could get the house clean we could invite folks over" probably hasn't helped. I feel just terrible and wonder if it is too late to start extending invitations to have one of his friends over on a weekend when we are free. I don't even know how to entertain another kid.

I think your family time should be spent cleaning up. My reason: you are using that as the reason why social actions at your home haven't happened.
THEN, introduce the idea to your son of inviting friends over.

As far as his B-Day: ask him if there's a special event/pary he'd like to do/plan.
If he wants friends over START CLEANING

 

[njmom47]

Interesting thread.
I'm in the "we have 3 kids, both parents work full-time+, have activites" club, although mine are older now.
Fortunately, we live in a townhome development, so there was ALWAYS someone to play with.
As far as playdates/sleepovers though, we did invite friends over, which did force us to straighten up the main living areas. I frequently was the mom who drove (at least one way) due to having a van. But I would say my kids went to their friend's houses more often than the other way around.

 

[Nettester]

I know you said you emailed another parent to invite the friend over. I would just be careful in this regard. The kids are 10. Your son should have the responsibility for doing the inviting. Your job is to give him permission to have a friend over when it is a good time for your family. Let him handle the communication. He needs to develop these relationship skills. Things can get way crazy if you take on the role of managing his social agenda. That's one mistake I've made, and now I realize it's much better to allow my kids to lead and be in charge of their friendships, and for me to just be here to support them.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I never had playdates at our house for my kids.

Between 3 kids and having my 91 year old grandma living with us, that took up all my time and energy.I really didnt have time to watch/entertain another kid.

Sometimes I had 2 or 3 of the neighborhood kids over but it wasnt a constant thing.

 

[Sugardimples]

I do think you are causing damage to your child by creating an environment that you are ashamed to let others see. You need to give your home a priority that will enable you to welcome others into it. If you can 't do it yourself, hire someone else to do it.

 

[Scotch]

I'm bumping this thread to see if Scotch has had any playdates yet.

Yes we've managed to have a couple for each kid since my original post. I took a lot of the cleaning tips I got here, let go of the need for everything to be "perfect," and kept the door shut on the rooms that got all the mess we didn't have time to organize. We haven't had more since my work schedule got busy again and, as many of you suggested, my introverted 10 year old seems content. Unfortunately, we can't keep the house free of clutter! We'd do a massive clean, then after the guests depart the mess resumes within days. If we don't have an exterior reason (like guest coming over) we are too tired after work and the boys to make the effort to clean. But the good news is that we CAN do this. Between summer camps and planned vacations, we may have time for one or two play dates this summer.

A big thanks again to all the posters who had posted encouragement and great tips!

And in response to the poster who says I shouldn't email the parents to extend the play date invitation -- that's how things are done around here. We have so many things on our plates that this is all coordinated via parents.

 

[leebee]

And in response to the poster who says I shouldn't email the parents to extend the play date invitation -- that's how things are done around here. We have so many things on our plates that this is all coordinated via parents.

I agree with you. There is NO way I would have let the kids make the plans when DD was 10. It's not even a question of "so many things on our plates." Kids are CHILDREN… people here sometimes seem to forget that. Plans need to be made through ME; I am the one who'd have to drive her somewhere or deal with other people's kids if they came here. I am the adult, and with a 10 year old, I am the one who makes the plans.

We are stackers here at my house. I find it easiest to have specific, convenient places for things that would otherwise become piles. I have an envelope on the bookcase for bills waiting to be paid, and a shoebox inside the bookcase (some shelves have doors) for the "stub" part of the bill that's left after I pay it. There is a laundry basket in the corner of the family room; if you leave your shoes in the family room, I am going to throw them there each night before bed. Then there are the rules: Dishes/glasses to the kitchen before you head to bed (I tell/yell at people as they leave the room… I don't clean up after everyone), lap blankies folded, take your dirty socks with you!! ALSO… I open the mail when I bring it in. Junk goes immediately to the recycle bin or gets torn up and thrown out; bills go in the aforementioned envelope. Other than that, we have a pick up on the weekend, then DH and I run the vacuum and do the bathrooms. Dishes get done/kitchen cleaned every night. We manage to stay ahead of the "mess" by doing just a bit every day, or keeping up with things as the days go by. Our house isn't dirty, but it usually looks pretty "lived in," which is OK by me. AND… DD didn't have play dates here. She was a dancer and spent 4 hours a day, 4 days a week in the dance studio after school, as well as usually having several hours of rehearsal on the weekends. She hung with her dance buddies for the most part, as well as having several good friends in school AND a BFF. She's turned out fine; top of her class in high school and Dean's list now, great steady boyfriend, officer in her sorority, has a full time internship for the summer and they've just asked her to stay part-time in the fall, and she is employed as a soloist at a nearby ballet company. She's smart, beautiful, talented, and happy… and rarely EVER did she have a play-date here!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes we've managed to have a couple for each kid since my original post. I took a lot of the cleaning tips I got here, let go of the need for everything to be "perfect," and kept the door shut on the rooms that got all the mess we didn't have time to organize. We haven't had more since my work schedule got busy again and, as many of you suggested, my introverted 10 year old seems content. Unfortunately, we can't keep the house free of clutter! We'd do a massive clean, then after the guests depart the mess resumes within days. If we don't have an exterior reason (like guest coming over) we are too tired after work and the boys to make the effort to clean. But the good news is that we CAN do this. Between summer camps and planned vacations, we may have time for one or two play dates this summer.

A big thanks again to all the posters who had posted encouragement and great tips!

And in response to the poster who says I shouldn't email the parents to extend the play date invitation -- that's how things are done around here. We have so many things on our plates that this is all coordinated via parents.

You aren't alone. We have "useful clutter". We have an older house with very little storage. So we end up with I guess you would call "zones". One hot spot is near the door where all of the sports gear/paraphernalia is stored so we can grab it on the way to practice. I do have a box there, but it is not pleasant to look at. I really need something different. If I store the stuff in the kids rooms, they are scrambling to find things. It's easier but I don't love it.

Our dining room table is another zone of mail and what not. We all have a bad habit of coming into the house and laying whatever is in our hands on the dining room table. I need some sort of organization for us all to keep us from doing that.

The kitchen by the phone is a magnet for paper scraps (notes to self for shopping, phone numbers written on the fly, coupons, etc.).

I just went through and cleaned it all out yesterday. Like you, Scotch I know it will end up exactly as it was because we don't have much storage space, it's a habit for us all, and we aren't organized.

I wish I could organize/pare down everything so that it was constantly nice and neat. I think it would be easier if there weren't so much "useful/needed clutter"!

Any tips for this scenario?