Update post 202 & 207. A 22yo girl calls and says to my DH, he is her father.

[disneyfav4ever]

As far as telling my girls, we will, but not until we get paternity obviously.

I think it's smart not to tell your DDs until it's a sure thing that your DH is the father.

 

[kmp1191]

Just wanted to send you good wishes for tomorrow.
I hope everything turns out good.....for all of you!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bottom line - a will is there to INCLUDE as well as to EXCLUDE those you want taken care of when you pass. Once you are gone then your wishes won't be carried out unless they are in the proper legal documents.

Ah yes, this is true. So we will be fine I think.

Thanks for all your well wishes. DH is leaving tomorrow and I don't know when the meeting will be. Probably Mon.
I will let you know what happens.

 

[miss missy]

WOW that is a big thing huh!

I researched and found my DSIL's birth mom on a closed adoption. I dug and dug and found her. The final thing that made me know for sure I found her, was I went to a high school looking at year books... when I ever opened that page to her birthmom, there was NO doubt I found her. They looked sooo much alike, it really gave me the chills!! Wondering if this DD looks like DH.

I won't get into the reconnection too much story here, but I will tell you I learned this... you can NEVER predict how one will feel when something like this happens. Even though DSIL wanted to find her Bmom, even though my MIL wanted to find her, even though the birthmom never registered to be found... they ALL reacted opposite than you would think. MIL(who gave me all the info and asked for my help) flipped and was really scared we found her. It really rocked her world and she never thought she would feel that way. DSIL froze, she just froze and was sooo confused. Birthmom WANTED to meet her DD and has become obsessed with getting closer. So each person did an opposite than what they were going towards in their lives. Very weird and very deep!! It was a huge huge thing when we found her.

So I am just saying... keep open to the possibility that you, DH, your kids, the DD all could have these feelings and reactions that no one would ever have thought would come. Take it slow and take it easy.

You are being great about this!! Tell DH I said your a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mookie]

Wow.


Wow!!


This is a really big deal. I think you've gotten some awesome advice here. I dont' really have any further advice, I just wanted to check in on your emotional well being. This is a big shock to the system for the whole family, as well as for this girl....not to mention your kids! Everyone is going to have their own emotional issues with this, and they all might be different. You are great for being so supportive to your DH. This must be really a roller coaster for him right now too. I hope everything works out for all of you!

 

[horseshowmom]

Best wishes to you, your husband, and your whole family...

 

[barkley]

i know you are talking of wills and such so i feel i'm o.k. in bringing this up. if the girl is determined to be dh's bio child, given that she's an adult and your other children are not-you may want to make sure any advance medical directives your dh has in place address her. reason being is in the absence of an amd the decisions for someone fall first to their spouse, and second to their children. an adult child's wishes will trump those of a minor-and when all become adults, it is a decision that can be impacted by any of the children (and it can get to the point where the decision lies with the person who gets to the courthouse first to file paperwork). in the event (hoping this will of course never happen) you are unable to make a decision for your dh (pre-deceased or incapacitated)-this girl if she is a bio child would have a voice unless others are specificly named or she is specificly named NOT to have a voice.

i would'nt have been aware of this, but when the shivo case was in the news we started looking at amd's and found that dmil's (widow) children and step children all have an equal say in her care in the absence of an amd. and since she's got one bio that while mentaly ill and estranged for years-is not 'incompetant', and another (step) who she adamantly does not wish to have any voice in care-she had to spell out specificly who did/did not have a voice in her care.

 

[N&B'smom]

Did they meet? Any word yet? Please fill us in!!!! I've been thinking of you all.

Shelby

 

[miss missy]

Yes waiting to here how it went here too! Please let us know OP.

 

[KrnB]

Hi - I had read this thread a couple days ago and didn't subscribe until now. I have no advice, although I think - as you obviously do too - that some great advice was given here.

Best of luck to your family! I hope the meeting goes/went well.

You have a great attitude about this whole thing - shows how strong your marriage is, as this could easily break some. Bravo to you both!

 

[ZPT1022]

Wow, I am sure you are both in shock.

I totally agree with the atty part.

That said, take a deep breath. She really may only want to meet her father out of curiosity. Seriously, not everyone who wants to meet their biological father wants anything from him.

I was in her shoes, except it was known he was my father from day one. I did contact him when I was 27 because I wanted to at least know a little bit about him. We ended up having a small long distance relationship that answered some of my questions and I enjoyed his company every now and again when he was in town and once when I went to Chicago to visit for a weekend. i didn't want to intrude on his life any more that I wanted him to intrude on mine. I just wanted to get to know him a little bit. I did not want anything more and I received nothing when he died at the age of 61, a few years ago, nor did I want anything. I just wanted to know where I came from, if that makes any sense.

Obviously, you don't know at this point. But remember, she is not responsible for any of this. Hopefully, there is nothing more to her calling than curiosity. Also wanted to add, my biological father did owe my mother court ordered back child support, but that issue never was a part of this and it was never pursued. All of that was water under the bridge and not worth all of the pain involved in getting into it. And we were already raised by then, there was no point.

I know this is a huge pill to swallow, I pray it turns out to be a positive thing in the end. For all involved.

Just telling my story to give you another possible angle, one that plays out every single day.

{{{HUGS}}} I am sure you need it right now.

Do you ever regret contacting him? I'm pretty much in the same boat and go back and forth on it. One day I think I really want to make contact, get answers, etc..... and then I am like, well, 26 years have gone by and NO ONE from that family has contacted me so why should I? I don't think I want some mushy let's all love each other you can be a grandparent to my kids, we'll have Sunday dinner together kind of relationship but on the other hand it would be nice just to see him once and not just the wedding pictures of him and my mom from the 70's. Did you ever at any point ask why he never contacted you over the years? That's my biggest burning question and the one I would feel like I was not allowed to ask. I've met his brother at the mall with my mom, just by chance. He was nice enough. I've seen his sister, my mom pointed her out one time when we were out together but we didn't talk to her or anything. It's such a hard thing. If you don't mind talking to me but don't want to do it on the thread, feel free to PM me.

I wanted to add one more thing. That phone call, the "I'm your daughter" is a really, really tough one to make. I hung up the phone a hundred times before having the guts to actually go through with it. You just never know if the man is going to say "leave me alone, I am not interested, don't bother me" etc....

If she truly is his DD, that was tough for her, no doubt.

Not sure why I am mentioning it...this just took me back to how I felt when I contacted my father the first time. Both sides are really vulnerable.

I am scared of exactly what you mentioned. The leave me alone- I've made a new life and you are obviously not a part of it.

I will add my story. I first contacted my bio father when I was 35. I also only wanted medical history and I was curious to just to know what he looked like. I have never met him as his wife does not know about me. They have a 9 year old daughter who also doesn't know. I would like one day to know my sister, but I would never try to contact her until she is an adult. I can imagine finding out she has a half-sister who's 30 years older that she is would be a huge shock.

I do not want anything at all from my bio father. He sent me some pictures of himself and my sister, and some nice emails. Maybe one day I can meet him. (we are on opposite coasts, and I don't want to go to where he lives because I wouldn't want to do anything that might mess with his marriage).

So far, it sounds like this girl is like me, just curious. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my bio father for any money and certainly not to pay for a wedding. But I know there are people like that out there. Hopefully this girl isn't one of them.

I can't imagine what a shock it was for you to find out! At least my bio father DID know about me and was happy to hear from me.

ETA: Poohandwendy is right! It's terrifying to make contact! It took me forever to work up the nerve after I decided I wanted to do it. I must have rehearsed what to say a thousand times!

You have siblings too? Me too, I know he has daughters. The sick part is I always wanted a sister and I guess I have some I just don't know them.

It is ovary and uterine related.

Thanks to all for all of your advice. I will keep reading and dh and I are discussing things.

I have never had something like this happen and I have read and given my 2 cents to many here. So many posts.
I do appreciate all the advice. Thanks.....

Sounds like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I have that and it sucks.


OP- Best of luck to you both. Sounds like you are being beyond level headed about this all. She is very lucky to make this strange journey with such an understanding couple. As someone who can relate more to the child in that situation I have to say that you guys are the best possible scenario of how the possible Dad could handle it. Mine there is no question of the who, just that he hasn't been involved. I could only wish that his new wife would be as wonderful. to you both- I hope it all works out

 

[laurie31]

You have siblings too? Me too, I know he has daughters. The sick part is I always wanted a sister and I guess I have some I just don't know them.

Yes, I have four half-siblings. My bio-mom has three daughters and we have become good friends I also always wanted a sister (I had one brother) so to suddenly get four was pretty amazing.

I can't forsee becoming friends with my little 9 year old sister for decades, just because of the 30 year age difference, plus not knowing how she would react if and when she learns I exist. I hope her father will tell her when she comes of age. As my own DDs are 8 and 10, I can only imagine how such news would rock her world at this point. I want her to have a happy childhood with her parents. The time for me to know her will come later.

Good luck to everyone out there on both sides of the wild and unpredictable journey of reunification.

 

[poohandwendy]

Do you ever regret contacting him? I'm pretty much in the same boat and go back and forth on it. One day I think I really want to make contact, get answers, etc..... and then I am like, well, 26 years have gone by and NO ONE from that family has contacted me so why should I? I don't think I want some mushy let's all love each other you can be a grandparent to my kids, we'll have Sunday dinner together kind of relationship but on the other hand it would be nice just to see him once and not just the wedding pictures of him and my mom from the 70's. Did you ever at any point ask why he never contacted you over the years? That's my biggest burning question and the one I would feel like I was not allowed to ask. I've met his brother at the mall with my mom, just by chance. He was nice enough. I've seen his sister, my mom pointed her out one time when we were out together but we didn't talk to her or anything. It's such a hard thing. If you don't mind talking to me but don't want to do it on the thread, feel free to PM me.

I don't mind answering these questions. I will do it here because maybe it will help someone who is thinking about this, or just can relate.

1) No, I absolutely do not regret contacting him. I can't say it was a fairy tale type of reunion. When I say that, I mean it wasn't like hugs and kisses and happily ever after. It was awkward and complicated because we didn't know each other. It's really strange getting to know your flesh and blood parent, as an adult. You basically are learning even the very basics about each other. I mean, people who do not live together have totally different ways of doing things, different habits. It's just sort of strange and we were both very nervous.

Not sure what I expected, but I think I was sort of surprised because I had these extreme ideas of what he would be like...either the knight in shing armor (LOL) or the biggest loser imaginable. He was just an average guy. And you know what, I liked that about him.

2) I am glad I did contact him because had I waited, he may not have been around (he died at the age of 61, a few years ago) Life is sometimes shorter than we think...kwim? I knew that if I waited too long, the only way I would find out what he was like would be by asking other people. And I knew their opinions may be different than my own, because they would come from their own perceptions. If that makes any sense.

3) I had mixed feelings too. Part of me wanted to punish him by NEVER contacting him, making him suffer by never knowing me. Then, there was the part that really wanted to know what he was like.

4) I guess I came to the conclusion that the only way this would not be an unresolved part of my life is if I faced it. I promised myself that if there came a time where I was uncomfortable, I would just walk back away.

5) You know what the best part for me is? I have peace with it now. I really do. I know he loved me...no he really never was my 'Dad', I had a stepfather who was that. But, he was someone I am proud to have finally come to know. I am proud of the fact that I was able to offer forgiveness to him...it was a gift to me more than anything. It lifted the pain of being abandoned by him, somehow. It didn't change it, but it brought an end to it and I could move on feeling ok with it all. Of course, I wish I would have had more years to know him. But, I feel satisfied that I did the right thing for me. No regrets.

6) I did ask him why he didn't contact me. He basically told me that when I was little, he thought that I would not be able to understand (nasty divorce, really bad terms between my mom and him- they both had their issues) and that he had plenty of time to make up for things when i was old enough to understand. Then, as the years passed it just became harder and harder to gather the courage to make contact. And he eventualy felt he didn't have the right to intrude on my life. Basically, not any really good reason. But is there ever a legit reason? Not really. To be honest, he was right...I do not think I would have been receptive if he would have just called me out of the blue and taken me by surprise. I think it needed to be on my terms or it would not have been a good outcome, if that makes any sense.

I think when you decide to make contact, or at least this is the way I decided to go into it...you have to just say "Ok, I accept the past, I accept that you were greatly flawed...I can get past that and try to see what now brings." For me, I forgave him for being a weak person before I even met him. I had to. I had to for me.

I guess for me it was a really big lesson in forgiveness. Can it be done? Can you let go of the hurt and accept that someone really blew it? Can you accept that they hurt you in a very big way without a really good reason other than selfishness or fear? I knew that the hurt was there whether he was in my life or not. So, why not at least get to know him? What did I have to lose? Why not try to get past it?

I knew that if I found him to be a jerk, then I could say 'well, I am not surprised. At least now I know" And I would have walked away. Hurt? Absolutely. But at least the call would be on my terms and in my time.

But, I was pleasantly surprised. He was very humble with me and I really think I blessed him with my forgiveness. Maybe the only real forgiveness he ever really received in his life. Because I accepted him warts and all.

All I really ever wanted from him was to know that despite all of the awful circumstances, that he did love me. Even if he didn't do the right thing by me, that he loved me. I know that he did, I could tell. I could see the regret in his eyes. I could see that he had lived a great amount of pain too.

There is no way to guarantee that you will not get a "I'm not interested" response. It's a chance you take. It's an awful thing to feel rejected. But, you already feel that way, don't you? You may be surprised. He may really be hoping for that call to come some day.

I could never really advise someone to make that call. It has to come from a need within you. One that it more overwhelming than the fear.

I wish you well with it, no matter what you decide and no matter what the outcome. Know that I am only a pm away if you (or anyone else facing a similar situation) need to talk.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Update...Meeting time.

My DH went to see a lawyer that he was directed to him from his dad. "Family Friend" lawyer...who knew.
So the lawyer instructed him to go see them and not talk money or paternity. Just do a meet and greet, keep it light.
My dh was happy to talk to a male neutral party for once.

The meeting was set up at mom's apartment.
However, the mom requested that she meet with him for 10 minutes beforehand at this bar near her place, ended up being 20 mins. (think where everybody knew her name)
So he did. It appears that the "mom" is really "off" as far as coming to terms with her own past going back to her own father, let alone this situation. She is not happy her dd is doing this. However keep in mind that when she started divorce proceedings the 3 kids went to live with the dad. The mom is not closely bonded with her dd.

She is also a "manipulator". However DH and I know how to handle people like that, so it is just annoying & sad from our perspective.
The daughter from DH's perspective handles the manipulation as well as a 21yodd can...They bicker back and forth openly.

Anyway, my DH would prefer to leave mom out of this and will push it in that direction from now on. He met with her as expected but now there is really nothing else to say to her.

OK, so they go back to mom's place and meet. The daughter is crying out of happiness and scared at the same time. She brought her 2 kids with her. (hehehe....grandpa .....sorry we find that funny....oh, so much ammo for all of us soon. )

Sorry, had to express that.

DH believes she is genuine in her pursuit. She wants a relationship with him and more...So he has explained that he (and probably me) will get to know her over the next 4 months and then when summer gets here we will all decide how we want to go forth.

It is a good plan and I hope it can go that way. If this is to be long term and an addition to our family I want to go slowly and do it right.
If she is dh's dd for sure it won't matter we wait until summer to bring everyone up to speed.

DH will do a paternity test under the guidance of our lawyer.

So.... so far, so good. My hope is that it keeps going good.

 

[crz4mm2]

Congrats to all of you.

 

[phillybeth]

You are really handling this with a lot of grace and class!

I'm glad the meeting went well, she does sound like a nice girl. I hope it continues to go well for all of you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Me too!
But as you know bumps will be hit, we expect that. I just hope they are bumps and not endless bottomless pits.

 

[kdibattista]

So glad the meeting went well

The one thing I can also add (and I am going to get a little personal) is that DH wanted to find his father for awhile but it took have serious issues with his mother and stepdad to really push him to search. I think he needed that connection to another parent. From what it sounds like, she is having issues with her mother and it just seems so similar to DH's situation. I would just be prepared that she may want a lot of contact. I think that's why DH wanted to always call and go visit his dad (he lived about 2 hours away). Not that it's a bad thing but just something to be prepared for.

Unfortunately, DH's father turned out to be not such a nice guy and my heart breaks for him. It sounds like you guys have your heads in the right place and I hope this is a smooth transition all around, if in fact this is his daughter

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Wow, you all are handling this well! Or are you in shock? Yes, finding out the grandpa part would be a interesting for sure. I hope everything continues to go well no matter what the results of the paternity test shows.

 

[chris1gill]

Wow! You are doing really well.... I was right with you until you mentioned GRANDKIDS??? OMG, I'd have freaked over THAT!!!

How's your DH taking that aspect of it? That's a SHOCK in and of itself...

My best wishes to your family however, here's for a good transition