Update p. 2- cousin and catty roommate

[redlight]

One of my cousins just started college, and has a roommate who has been rather difficult to deal with. She's like one of the Mean Girls girls. Among other things she makes catty remarks about my cousin's weight and clothes.

My cousin came to me, and not to her parents. I'm not sure what to say to her.

 

[MushyMushy]

She needs to talk to her resident advisor or director. If they can't mediate properly, then they'll have to find her a new roommate.

 

[SaraJayne]

Tell her to pay for a single room. After a disaster of a roommate my freshmen year, it was the best decision I ever made at college. lol

 

[redlight]

She needs to talk to her resident advisor or director. If they can't mediate properly, then they'll have to find her a new roommate.

That's what I was thinking. Thanks for confirming.

 

[Hannathy]

Tell her to pay for a single room. After a disaster of a roommate my freshmen year, it was the best decision I ever made at college. lol

Not all schools offer single and especially to freshman

Ah that's too bad , room mate problems are really tough. maybe after talking to the RA there is someone else having problems and they can switch. Or at least agree to be neutral and go their own ways.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Is it a suite or a regular dorm room? You could always do what my mom did to her snobby roomie... she was a blonde, so before a big date, mom would put Kool-Aid in the showerhead and dye the girl's hair random colors!

Oh, the good ole days!

Seriously though, if the queen bee can't be bothered, get the RA involved. There's no reason to be miserable all semester.

 

[redlight]

Is it a suite or a regular dorm room? You could always do what my mom did to her snobby roomie... she was a blonde, so before a big date, mom would put Kool-Aid in the showerhead and dye the girl's hair random colors!

Oh, the good ole days!

Seriously though, if the queen bee can't be bothered, get the RA involved. There's no reason to be miserable all semester.

It's a regular dorm room, but they have floor bathrooms and showers. I don't miss those at all! I suspect the queen bee would be a problem if my cousin switched rooms, but remained on the floor. I don't know how she is with the other girls on the floor.

about what your mom did. That wouldn't work because of the communal showers.

 

[acejka]

I know two seperate girls who went to their RA's... biggest mistake ever. Since they (the RA's) basically told both of them to suck it up and put their big girl panties on because this is the real world and you are going to have to deal with people who aren't nice it made things ten times worse!

Not that I am condoning being picked on... I don't think girls need to be as mean and nasty as they are to each other to begin with. I mean if they aren't friends, big deal, sleep in the room, study and get dressed or whatever and leave it as that, no need to be rude to the other girl.

I hope it gets easier for her. I know what it feels like to be picked on.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would attempt to talk to the roommate first (which I'm quite sure won't work). If that doesn't work, go to the RA. If she does give you the "deal with it" line mentioned by someone else, I would politely inform them that I'm paying for a room that I can live in harrassment free (this isn't just a case of not getting along, she's being harrassed). If that doesn't work, go to the next person in the complaint process (hall director, etc.).

 

[redlight]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm not sure talking to the roommate would work, but it's worth a try. I wonder whether the queen bee realizes what's she's doing and that she's being hurtful. I also suggested to my cousin that she should get to know the other girls on her floor, both because that's generally a good thing and because it would neutralize the queen bee.

 

[design_mom]

The biggest thing is *document* everything. Write down what she's saying, when she's saying it, and what's happening. Otherwise, it's just a she said-she said thing. Ask her to stop and write down when/what you asked, and what the results were.

I lived in a quad my freshman year and we had trouble with one of the roommates. She hated *all* of us for some reason. (It was 4 strangers in a room. It wasn't like the rest of us knew each other and she was the odd man out.) She hated how one of us brushed her hair. Another of us studied too much. She thought I was too cheerful in the mornings (me! I don't think I've been called cheerful all that often!) She kept threatening that her boyfriend was going to buy a gun for her birthday and she planned to kill us all while we slept. We tried to go to the RA. The RA thought we were nuts and treated us like whiners. One of my roommates finally got her on tape saying that... and then they finally listened. Lovely memories.

 

[redlight]

The biggest thing is *document* everything. Write down what she's saying, when she's saying it, and what's happening. Otherwise, it's just a she said-she said thing. Ask her to stop and write down when/what you asked, and what the results were.

I lived in a quad my freshman year and we had trouble with one of the roommates. She hated *all* of us for some reason. (It was 4 strangers in a room. It wasn't like the rest of us knew each other and she was the odd man out.) She hated how one of us brushed her hair. Another of us studied too much. She thought I was too cheerful in the mornings (me! I don't think I've been called cheerful all that often!) She kept threatening that her boyfriend was going to buy a gun for her birthday and she planned to kill us all while we slept. We tried to go to the RA. The RA thought we were nuts and treated us like whiners. One of my roommates finally got her on tape saying that... and then they finally listened. Lovely memories.

Whoa! She sounds like a nutcase. I'm glad that you were able to get the RA to listen. I'll mention documentation.

 

[swanmom]

When she goes to the RA, suggest to her that she use words like 'harassment' and 'bullying' and 'failure to provide safe living environment.' The colleges have become a lot more aware of these issues (or at least more aware that they have to cover their you-know-what's.) She should give the RA a chance to resolve this (which hopefully will work) but then make an appointment with the hall supervisor or Director of Housing if an acceptable solution is not offered. She should be respectful but insistent. And she should do this as early in the semester as possible. Many times, the RAs and housing people try to tell you it's just an 'adjustment period' or 'just give it some time.' What then happens is that the student has already been in the room for a couple of months, they are in the middle of classes and work and they never end up following up on the change request. (Problem solved for the housing office - but not for the student.) There is no reason for her to put up with a roommate who ridicules her for another minute and she should say so. (Can you tell I used to work at a university?)

 

[AlleyKat]

I lived in a quad my freshman year and we had trouble with one of the roommates. She hated *all* of us for some reason. (It was 4 strangers in a room. It wasn't like the rest of us knew each other and she was the odd man out.) She hated how one of us brushed her hair. Another of us studied too much. She thought I was too cheerful in the mornings (me! I don't think I've been called cheerful all that often!) She kept threatening that her boyfriend was going to buy a gun for her birthday and she planned to kill us all while we slept. We tried to go to the RA. The RA thought we were nuts and treated us like whiners. One of my roommates finally got her on tape saying that... and then they finally listened. Lovely memories.

Yeow, I wonder what her upbringing was like!

I'm also curious; what was the outcome of this situation?

 

[sharbear]

Take this for what it's worth. I have a D in college and she has had all kinds of roommates.

First of all, my D is 5'3" and weighs at most 100 pounds. She is absolutely the prettiest girl and would look good in a burlap bag.

At some point all of her roommates have made comments that are rude and insensitive. Her roommates this year called her new book bag ugly and the new dress she bought something a 10 year old would wear. She apparently doesn't like any of my D's clothes. This from someone who is much heavier than my D and wears yoga pants with holes to class.

Another roommate made some comment about my D's new bathing suit. It was brown with green polka dots. The roommate didn't like brown or polka dots. My D looked darling in the suit,who knows what problem the roommate had but she made comments.

My point. Girls are a pain in the rear and think that they are being helpful by commenting on other girls appearance and clothes. Why they do this, I have no idea. They aren't only doing this to heavier girls or girls with bad clothes. They do it to the pretty girls with cute clothes also.

I told my D to just ignore her roommate and who knows why she makes these rude comments, maybe it's just her DNA. She likes the roommate, they are friends. Also I told my D she has to tell the roommate, hey don't comment on my appearance, I don't appreciate it.

 

[design_mom]

Yeow, I wonder what her upbringing was like! I'm also curious; what was the outcome of this situation?

We had to have a big "hearing" with the Director of Housing, during which this roommate repeated in front of everyone that she intended to acquire a gun and kill us all. (We only got the hearing after my dad called the Director of Housing and informed him that if they couldn't guarantee my safety against documented threats in my own dorm room, he planned to arm me with a 9mm handgun so I could at least defend myself. I think this was an empty threat -- I've never fired a gun in my life, although my dad owns several -- but it worked to get the hearing.)

After the hearing, they ended up moving her to a room (a single) on a different floor in the same building and changed the locks on our dorm room door. They also told her she had to stay 50' away from us.

I am pretty sure that her goal was to intimidate us, not actually kill us -- but it is rather unnerving to wake up with her standing over your bed talking about how, once she gets her gun, you'll be dead. I wanted her out of there (and farther than a different floor!) Moving her to a different floor in the building was a joke. After she moved out, someone liked to slide anonymous nasty notes under our door in the middle of the night. We never saw her do it, but I'm pretty positive it was her.

She suddenly left the school during the spring. I am not sure if she did something to someone else and got expelled, or if she flunked out, or what. I still have *no* idea what any of us did to make her hate us. None of us knew each other when we moved in together and I think all of us (except her) attempted to get along. The problems became evident within the first few weeks while everyone was still on their best behavior.

I will say one thing though -- I would encourage my kids to move in with someone they know when they go to college. I knew some girls I could have roomed with. They weren't great friends... but at this point, I think "the devil you know is better than the one you don't!" I am pretty sure none of the girls I knew would have threatened to kill me. Annoyed me perhaps, but not threatened to kill me! But I wanted to use the college experience as a chance to meet new and different people. I met some "different" people alright!

This was in 1990. With the school/college shootings in recent years, I wonder if they'd take the threat more seriously now? They didn't take it *at all* seriously then.

 

[AlleyKat]

We had to have a big "hearing" with the Director of Housing, during which this roommate repeated in front of everyone that she intended to acquire a gun and kill us all. (We only got the hearing after my dad called the Director of Housing and informed him that if they couldn't guarantee my safety against documented threats in my own dorm room, he planned to arm me with a 9mm handgun so I could at least defend myself. I think this was an empty threat -- I've never fired a gun in my life, although my dad owns several -- but it worked to get the hearing.)

After the hearing, they ended up moving her to a room (a single) on a different floor in the same building and changed the locks on our dorm room door. They also told her she had to stay 50' away from us.

I am pretty sure that her goal was to intimidate us, not actually kill us -- but it is rather unnerving to wake up with her standing over your bed talking about how, once she gets her gun, you'll be dead. I wanted her out of there (and farther than a different floor!) Moving her to a different floor in the building was a joke. After she moved out, someone liked to slide anonymous nasty notes under our door in the middle of the night. We never saw her do it, but I'm pretty positive it was her.

She suddenly left the school during the spring. I am not sure if she did something to someone else and got expelled, or if she flunked out, or what. I still have *no* idea what any of us did to make her hate us. None of us knew each other when we moved in together and I think all of us (except her) attempted to get along. The problems became evident within the first few weeks while everyone was still on their best behavior.

I will say one thing though -- I would encourage my kids to move in with someone they know when they go to college. I knew some girls I could have roomed with. They weren't great friends... but at this point, I think "the devil you know is better than the one you don't!" I am pretty sure none of the girls I knew would have threatened to kill me. Annoyed me perhaps, but not threatened to kill me! But I wanted to use the college experience as a chance to meet new and different people. I met some "different" people alright!

This was in 1990. With the school/college shootings in recent years, I wonder if they'd take the threat more seriously now? They didn't take it *at all* seriously then.

Perhaps she finally started treatment for mental instability.

I can't believe the school didn't take your word(s) seriously. Thank God for "dad"!

 

[redlight]

Take this for what it's worth. I have a D in college and she has had all kinds of roommates.

First of all, my D is 5'3" and weighs at most 100 pounds. She is absolutely the prettiest girl and would look good in a burlap bag.

At some point all of her roommates have made comments that are rude and insensitive. Her roommates this year called her new book bag ugly and the new dress she bought something a 10 year old would wear. She apparently doesn't like any of my D's clothes. This from someone who is much heavier than my D and wears yoga pants with holes to class.

Another roommate made some comment about my D's new bathing suit. It was brown with green polka dots. The roommate didn't like brown or polka dots. My D looked darling in the suit,who knows what problem the roommate had but she made comments.

My point. Girls are a pain in the rear and think that they are being helpful by commenting on other girls appearance and clothes. Why they do this, I have no idea. They aren't only doing this to heavier girls or girls with bad clothes. They do it to the pretty girls with cute clothes also.

I told my D to just ignore her roommate and who knows why she makes these rude comments, maybe it's just her DNA. She likes the roommate, they are friends. Also I told my D she has to tell the roommate, hey don't comment on my appearance, I don't appreciate it.

I'll pass this advice on to my cousin. You're right about girls being pains. Maybe it's jealousy.

 

[dakcp2001]

Have her put in with housing for a room swap. It is not worth being miserable all semester and most people who are miserable due to bad roommates end up suffering with bad grades and dropping out. Dont tell her to put up with it or try to deal with it, she needs comfortable place to call home. Your first year away is hard enough to adjust to, having a bad roomie is enough to make people hate school. And you are PAYING for the room, the student is teh customer!

I was an RA for 3 years, I would suggest going to housing asking to swap. There is someone else out there who is probably in the same boat and she can meet the new roomies before she picks one. One issue is, the nicer one usually is the one that gets bullied into moving out, so there are a lot of nice people all looking for an open spot. I always wished we could pair them up & put the two witches together. Unfortunately the mean ones usually get to keep the room. But there are lots of kids who drop out the first few weeks due to home sickness or just never show up to being with, and there is porbably a very nice lonely freshman who wishes they had a roomate. (we had several of those) So tell her to move, get a new roomate! cant be worse than this one right>?

 

[golfgal]

When we were at DS's orientation the Director of Housing said that 90% of his "roommate" issues were from the girls and 90% of his discipline issues were from the boys .

I agree, have her talk to the RA if talking with the roommate goes no where. If the RA doesn't help, move up the chain to the staff resident and then to the Director of Housing.