Update on Choir Director issue

[Marseeya]

I just wanted to update on this older issue: http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=938406&page=1&pp=15 (I know I like seeing updates on advice threads and such).

After my husband and I argued about this whole issue last October, he agreed to not take the position. He did, however, take a position temporarily at a different church to direct their Christmas cantata. Because of a death in the family, the cantata got dragged out into almost the end of January.

Right after the cantata ended, he got a check in the mail from the church he supposedly turned down the job from. I came to find out that he had taken that job behind my back and was actually going between BOTH churches, telling me that he was working late some nights for his job. He gave me the whole song and dance of, "I kept wanting to tell you, but I didn't know how, or it wasn't the right time."

It's been a few weeks since I've found out, and I have to be honest that I don't know how to handle it. I think he's a selfish liar, to be brutally honest, and I just don't see him in quite the same way. These past several months have been hell for me, trying to deal with my son's problems with NO help, trying to keep up with the house, and keeping up with grad school.

This position was supposed to be temporary, but every time I ask him if there is an end date in sight (like he assured me when I first found out), he just keeps saying he doesn't know.

Anyway, like I said, I just wanted to update on this since I last posted about it. I don't know what on earth is going to come of it, but I can tell you that I'm very unhappy.

 

[disykat]

I feel for you - I'd be mad too! Obviously this is a real passion for him, but he has to find a way to keep his family a priority. While I'd be irritated if he didn't listen to my input on the decision, I'd be really mad about the lying.

 

[canwegosoon]

God, family, then career

 

[Marseeya]

Duplicate

 

[Marseeya]

God, family, then career

Then he sure married the wrong woman!

God isn't on this list of priorities at all. His list goes something like music/ego, career, hobbies, family.

 

[Marseeya]

I feel for you - I'd be mad too! Obviously this is a real passion for him, but he has to find a way to keep his family a priority. While I'd be irritated if he didn't listen to my input on the decision, I'd be really mad about the lying.

The lying is what upsets me so much. He really went through a lot of effort to keep this from me. What's kind of funny, but kind of infuriating is, now that the cat's out of the bag he's getting busted constantly. He took DD to church with him one Sunday, thinking she wouldn't even know any different and she told me where the church was. Another time, we ran into a woman who had tried out for the same position and she congratulated him. One that was even worse, I found out that one of my professors goes to that church, so I was asking him if he knew my husband and he had no idea what I was talking about! That was embarrassing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhhh Marseeya,

What can I say. You are completely justified in your feelings! I don't know if I could continue on with the situation. I would say a lot more here, but let's just say that it would come off badly. You haven't really asked for advice, so, I will not presume to give any.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Oh man!! I would be very upset!!! Keep us updated on what's happening (or feel free to PM me)

 

[Marseeya]

Ohhhhh Marseeya,

What can I say. You are completely justified in your feelings! I don't know if I could continue on with the situation. I would say a lot more here, but let's just say that it would come off badly. You haven't really asked for advice, so, I will not presume to give any.

Thanks. You're right, I'm not really looking for advice -- it's one of those things where I'm going to either have to deal with it and accept it, or be prepared to leave. If it ever came down to it, he would quit before he'd let it break us up, but it shouldn't have to come to that!

What gets me is that he doesn't even think about how his actions affect the family. There's plenty of stuff I'd love to get involved in, but I put him and the kids first. I don't expect the same level from him, but it would be nice if he'd just make an effort.