UPDATE - 7/27/10 - HELP - our DD(10) is bored on weekends, I work, etc.

[MomRN]

I work full-time, 3 nights a week. My dh stays at home (by no choice of mine) except now he is in school full-time 12 hours a semester.

When ds was first born (he's 4 now), I was in nursing school full-time and working part-time. My dh was unemployed, not in school, and dropping our son off to daycare (free, because his mom owns it, but I don't care).

At first I thought it was because he couldn't handle caring for a newborn...and as months went by, I got mad. Mad is an understatement.

So, I get you. I understand your circumstance. Does your daughter ask for interaction from her dad? If you didn't work on the weekend, what would you be doing with her? Is she making these same comments to him? How does he respond?

Are you okay with this? Being the sole supporter while your husband plays on the computer all day, and can't even be bothered by childcare? I do not mean this meanly, my question is sincere. Since your daughter is old enough I say you should have a family meeting and air some things out. What does she want to do, what is he willing to do.... and I sure as heck hope they are helping you with housework, because if you are working 2 jobs and he's playing computer and she's bored and you are doing housework...

 

[Northstar]

Goodness gracious, stop getting on OP's case about getting her DH to do more with her DD! Obviously the DH does not agree that DD needs entertainment and is not feeling the present arrangement needs any change. The OP said SHE feels guilty because her daughter is bored and wants some ideas to help her entertain herself.

Volunteering is out because a) the DD is not old enough to volunteer on her own, and it is difficult even to find volunteer opportunities that will allow a child to tag along b) the DH does not want to volunteer... you don't get to volunteer someone else's time (though I have had a few people try to volunteer me... lucky I have good guilt repellent) c) taking on the task of finding, organizing, and following up on a good volunteering situation would complicate the already over-committed OP's life still more.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Are you okay with this? Being the sole supporter while your husband plays on the computer all day, and can't even be bothered by childcare? I do not mean this meanly, my question is sincere. Since your daughter is old enough I say you should have a family meeting and air some things out. What does she want to do, what is he willing to do.... and I sure as heck hope they are helping you with housework, because if you are working 2 jobs and he's playing computer and she's bored and you are doing housework...

That would make me mad too, but it's not how I read the OP. I read it as, her husband is home during those particular weekend hours, I assumed he probably worked during the week.

OP, at that age I really enjoyed "mother's helper" type jobs, as well as dog walking in the neighborhood. Do you have anyone who could hire your daughter, even if no money changed hands?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Goodness gracious, stop getting on OP's case about getting her DH to do more with her DD! Obviously the DH does not agree that DD needs entertainment and is not feeling the present arrangement needs any change. The OP said SHE feels guilty because her daughter is bored and wants some ideas to help her entertain herself.

Volunteering is out because a) the DD is not old enough to volunteer on her own, and it is difficult even to find volunteer opportunities that will allow a child to tag along b) the DH does not want to volunteer... you don't get to volunteer someone else's time (though I have had a few people try to volunteer me... lucky I have good guilt repellent) c) taking on the task of finding, organizing, and following up on a good volunteering situation would complicate the already over-committed OP's life still more.

Not being the OP how are you qualified to answer about why volunteering is out. At 10 DD did the following volunteer activities (alone) and even arranged them herself:
aide to a local Daisy Troop
aide to the preschool class at her Dojo
helped wash down the mats at the Dojo weekly
joined the "garden committee" at the local rec center and helped by weeding.

At 11 she also helped put fliers for the candidate she wanted to win the election into envelopes.

Her brother is 11 now. He also helped stuff envelopes for HIS candidate on that campaign. He also plays chess with an elderly neighbor once a week and often bakes cookies to take over (neighbor has no dietary restrictions).

It is EASY to find these kinds of things if someone really wants to help.

 

[scrapbookworm]

If she is in Girl Scouts, have her work on some badges on her own. That's what I tell my DD when she is bored- pull out the badge book and find something to do. There are also websites that list all of the badges.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If she is in Girl Scouts, have her work on some badges on her own. That's what I tell my DD when she is bored- pull out the badge book and find something to do. There are also websites that list all of the badges.

Great idea

 

[Tink888]

This is a vent, but I hope that people can come up with some ideas. Our DD (10), only child, is bored to death on the weekends this summer. I work both FT and PT, which includes from 5-10 on Friday nights and 1-6pm most Saturdays. I am home on Sundays. During the week she is at MIL's house and they stay busy and she is doing a few day camps.

My DH is home with her but is usually on the computer or in his hobby room and let's face it - she is bored!!!! Money is tight and there is no point in me working if they go out and spend a bunch of money and it is HOT outside. She has friends, but over the summer everyone is so busy and out of town most weekends. I am working both jobs to pay off medical stuff (as some of you know from previous posts). I have that MOTHER GUILT complex and it is eating me away!

The last two weekends I've been lucky because she spent the night at a friends's house and vice versa the next, but that is only one who seems available. It is only Tuesday and she is already whining about the weekend and wanting someone over, but there aren't a lot of people around!!!!

Any thoughts?

No judgments here about your DH or how your family chooses to spend your time.

It's sounds like your daughter is pretty engaged during the week with MIL and summer camps and what she is really missing on the weekend is just interaction with other people her age.

Are there any church youth groups in your area? Lots of kids and they are always doing something.

What about girl scouts? My sons were in Cub Scouts and there were summer activities going on all the time for the boys.

Do you have a local pool she could go to?

I understand your guilt. I think everyone sometimes feels like they could be doing more to keep their kids busy and I understand your daughter getting bored. My kids have each other and even they get bored sometimes during the summer. However, it is not your job to ensure that your daughter is constantly entertained and everyone at times feels bored. At 10 she is old enough to find ways to keep herself entertained.

Read a book (as another posted mentioned, there are libraries....with lots of books.....which are free......and reading is time consuming). Get her some crafts, give her some chores. Subscribe to Netflix and let Saturdays be her movie day. My younger son likes to draw, he will go online to drawing websites and sketch. Paint, color, play with barbies and on and on. There's always something.

Let her know that there will be times when she'll find herself alone and being able to entertain herself is a skill that will serve her well throughout her lifetime.

 

[scrapbookworm]

A volunteer project for at home: cards for soldiers. Holiday cards, thank you for your service cards, etc. (no get well cards). Operation Quiet Comfort sends cards and care items to soldiers. We have done this with our Girl Scout troop. They can be drawn on regular paper with crayons, markers, colored pencils, etc. No glitter or puffy paint. I can PM you the address to mail them to, if interested.

 

[Northstar]

Not being the OP how are you qualified to answer about why volunteering is out. At 10 DD did the following volunteer activities (alone) and even arranged them herself:
aide to a local Daisy Troop
aide to the preschool class at her Dojo
helped wash down the mats at the Dojo weekly
joined the "garden committee" at the local rec center and helped by weeding.

At 11 she also helped put fliers for the candidate she wanted to win the election into envelopes.

Her brother is 11 now. He also helped stuff envelopes for HIS candidate on that campaign. He also plays chess with an elderly neighbor once a week and often bakes cookies to take over (neighbor has no dietary restrictions).

It is EASY to find these kinds of things if someone really wants to help.

More power to your DD and DS. But I have to take issue with your saying that it is easy for a 10-year-old to find volunteer opportunities like these.

Maybe it's easy if you are very much connected in your community and already belong to organizations and know your neighbors well. Did your children already know some adults in these volunteer situations? Because I have to tell you, I volunteer a lot and I know if a young person came in and said they wanted to volunteer in any of the organizations I work with, here would be some of the questions I'd be concerned with:

Do your parents know you're here? Are you doing this with their permission?\

Are you qualified to fulfill the position you're applying for? (especially for anything working with younger kids like your DD's volunteering)

If I accept you to volunteer, will you have transportation to get here?

If I accept you to volunteer, who will supervise you... I can't allow a 10-year-old to work unsupervised, and I can't allow an adult supervisor to work with a 10-year-old without getting a police records check

If I accept you to volunteer, what about our insurance coverage... if you mess up, will our insurance cover the liability? If you are injured, will our insurance cover our liability?


The OP says volunteering is out. That seems to be very surprising to many on this thread. I can only say, I totally see why trying to arrange a volunteer opportunity for her 10-year-old DD, when the OP's MIL and DH would probably be the ones who have to carry out the transportation and support, seems overwhelming to her.

 

[Pigeon]

Your husband should read this thread.

It's time for him to turn off the computer, get off his butt and pay attention to his child. It's called parenting--you breed them, you take care of them.

My husband is a teacher and he's home with the kids all summer while I work. They have a terrific time together. He takes them to swimming lessons, to the town pool, to the library. They read together. They do household projects together. The girls have learned a few useful skills, like painting and wallpapering that way. They do science projects. They walk the dog and weed the garden.

My kids can and do entertain themselves for some of the time, but the experiences they have at Camp Daddy build lifetime memories.

I think forced volunteerwork is an oxymoron, and kids shouldn't be forced to spend their summer doing it as a punishment for having a father who can't be bothered.

 

[Pumbaa_]

let the guilt go. it is not up to parents to entertain their kids 24/7.

Give her options
Chores - spend sat cleaning
read - a book is a wonderful thing
crafts - there are tons of crafts you can do alone for not much $$. Painting xmas ornaments would keep her busy for hours and weeks for little output

You say her Dad is not involved. Neither was mine growing up. And how sad is that. So glad that this generation is seeing so much more father interaction.

What does your DH say about this? Does he have any suggestions? And why isn't this his issue also?

bottom line, at this age, she should be able to entertain herself. Stop buying into the guilt, it is not warranted

 

[JenInVirginia]

Don't know if she would be interested, but if you got her some kind of toy that involved building something, like: legos, knex, snap circuits, do you think her dad would be more likely to get involved helping her with something like that? What about a big jigsaw puzzle? You could work on it together with her when you are home and maybe she would be motivated to show you how much progress she could make without you while you were at work. What about asking her to write/illustrate a story - and she could write a new chapter each week while you are at work.

 

[Toxic!]

Maybe find her a hobby! Try drawing, crafts, maybe even designing clothes by simply dressing up in unique outfits!

Just try anything to get her interested, and it might just find her a future talent

 

[RitaZ.]

Sorry but your DH needs to get off the computer and interact with his daughter. He's not her playmate but he is her father and quality time together is never underrated.

I agree.

It's important for girls and their dads to have a good relationship. Doing some activities together will be fun and bring them together.

 

[clori]

What are your dh's hobbies? Is there any way to involve your dd in something that interests dh? When we aren't busy Saturday mornings dh and my dd10 enjoy looking at some computer contest thing that comes out on Saturday mornings. They also spend time doing sporcle.com together. Dh does some woodwork projects on occasion and will involve dd on some parts - more as she has gotten older.

Can you talk to dh about doing something special with dd weekly for a short time such as lunch together after you leave for work? It wouldn't take up all the time but dd should be able to amuse herself the rest of the time. Can dd invite a friend over some of the time?

 

[Rachie0507]

I have a 10 yo girl and I also work weekends. To be completely honest, her favorite thing to do while I am at work is spend time with her father! He works all week and this is their time. But he is willing (and interested) participant in that.

As for independent activities--she reads, builds Kinex/Lego sets, swims (with supervision), rides her bike. She also has chores to do--dishes, putting away laundry, making her bed. She is the oldest of three as well and she helps out quite a bit with her 2 yo sister (although that doesn't help you!). I don't work during the week so weekdays are friend-time, weekends are family and quiet time.

 

[NHdisneylover]

More power to your DD and DS. But I have to take issue with your saying that it is easy for a 10-year-old to find volunteer opportunities like these.

Maybe it's easy if you are very much connected in your community and already belong to organizations and know your neighbors well. Did your children already know some adults in these volunteer situations? Because I have to tell you, I volunteer a lot and I know if a young person came in and said they wanted to volunteer in any of the organizations I work with, here would be some of the questions I'd be concerned with:

Do your parents know you're here? Are you doing this with their permission?\

Are you qualified to fulfill the position you're applying for? (especially for anything working with younger kids like your DD's volunteering)

If I accept you to volunteer, will you have transportation to get here?

If I accept you to volunteer, who will supervise you... I can't allow a 10-year-old to work unsupervised, and I can't allow an adult supervisor to work with a 10-year-old without getting a police records check

If I accept you to volunteer, what about our insurance coverage... if you mess up, will our insurance cover the liability? If you are injured, will our insurance cover our liability?


The OP says volunteering is out. That seems to be very surprising to many on this thread. I can only say, I totally see why trying to arrange a volunteer opportunity for her 10-year-old DD, when the OP's MIL and DH would probably be the ones who have to carry out the transportation and support, seems overwhelming to her.

The point is that show that there ARE indeed opportunities out there for kids which do not require an adult to come along, and I thought real life examples would be good. While it is clearly not possible where you were work, and I would think it would not be possible at any agency which handles lots of volunteers (like a soup kitchen, Habitat for Humanity, Humane Society, etc) there are hundreds of smaller ways to help out that a kid can do if motivated.

I think most people want to know WHY the blanket refusal to volunteer so as to give options that WILL work. SO, if the OP said it is a transportation issue, then the PPs suggestion of making cards at home for soldiers would be great. There are also ways to knit/crochet/sew baby blankets or hats for infants born drug addicted, etc. I am sure there are other at home projects that people could also recommend of the OP would let us know this concern. Then again, maybe the girl would like to get out of the house and maybe transportation is not such a big deal (perhaps mom could drop her off on the way to work and dad might be willing to run out pick her up, or maybe they live in an area where she could walk home, or maybe she can help a neighbor who could then walk her home, etc) but the OP is confused and thinks--as do you--that ALL volunteer possibilities would require that her DH go along and help as well, and then many of us could suggest ways to avoid that. Without knowing what the issue is though we cannot know what is the best to suggest.

I think forced volunteerwork is an oxymoron, and kids shouldn't be forced to spend their summer doing it as a punishment for having a father who can't be bothered.

I did not see anyone suggesting she be forced to volunteer I think most were seeing it as something she may enjoy. I agree that the dad should be a parent, but I think OP has made it pretty clear that he refuses and she is not up to fighting him on it at this point. I am just glad to not be in her shoes on that one. But, I do not see anyone thinking volunteering is some sort of punishment for the dad ignoring her, or even as something she would be unhappy doing at all.

 

[ilovediznee]

Good Morning everyone! Thank you for so many responses and ideas. I really like the idea of making cards for soldiers and it sparked an idea that she could make xmas cards for some of her friends for the holidays, but make them now.

I have to share with you about my DD and DH last night because I think it is funny about my original post and then what happened last night. I was working and he picked her up. Her bunk bed ladder had broken so they went to Home Depot together, got the items to fix it and fixed it together in the dining room last night!

Regarding the volunteer issue, please do not think I am saying that volunteering is out just because he won't do it. One poster hit the nail on the head when they said I am overwelmed as it is and would have to figure out transporatation and such. On top of that, most places here will not let you volunteer for anything without a parent or guardian of age 18 or older and even most child oriented places or camps either require the same or you have to be certified in babysitting, which she will get certification in next year.

Yes, alot is my mommy guilt, but several of you brought up my father was well. I am over the time he didn't spend with me and that is why I encourage DH to spend time with her actually doing things and sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't, but she is 10 now and should be able to entertain herself so I am going to use some of those ideas you suggested.

The good news is that football season is around the corner and we attend the USC games and DD will be going to more games with just her dad and the rest of the family when I'm working so that will be good. They also like watching college and pro games together in the fall.

Right now is a slump between camp and going to the beach so that is why I'm trying to come up with things.

Thanks for the ideas and to the poster who suggested the cards for soliders, I will PM you.

Thanks - Diane

 

[WDSearcher]

Good Morning everyone! Thank you for so many responses and ideas. I really like the idea of making cards for soldiers and it sparked an idea that she could make xmas cards for some of her friends for the holidays, but make them now.

I have to share with you about my DD and DH last night because I think it is funny about my original post and then what happened last night. I was working and he picked her up. Her bunk bed ladder had broken so they went to Home Depot together, got the items to fix it and fixed it together in the dining room last night!

Regarding the volunteer issue, please do not think I am saying that volunteering is out just because he won't do it. One poster hit the nail on the head when they said I am overwelmed as it is and would have to figure out transporatation and such. On top of that, most places here will not let you volunteer for anything without a parent or guardian of age 18 or older and even most child oriented places or camps either require the same or you have to be certified in babysitting, which she will get certification in next year.

Yes, alot is my mommy guilt, but several of you brought up my father was well. I am over the time he didn't spend with me and that is why I encourage DH to spend time with her actually doing things and sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't, but she is 10 now and should be able to entertain herself so I am going to use some of those ideas you suggested.

The good news is that football season is around the corner and we attend the USC games and DD will be going to more games with just her dad and the rest of the family when I'm working so that will be good. They also like watching college and pro games together in the fall.

Right now is a slump between camp and going to the beach so that is why I'm trying to come up with things.

Thanks for the ideas and to the poster who suggested the cards for soliders, I will PM you.

Thanks - Diane

Just had to say that this is a great post! You didn't take any of the "bait", ignored the criticisms, and moved forward on the things that will work for you. Sounds like you have some great ideas and are working through the 'mommy guilt' just fine. Hope your DD has a great "rest of summer".

 

[sunnyday123]

I appreciate all the feedback but it is likely that things will not change as far as DH and DD doing a lot together. They do some stuff together but not much. My Dad didn't either, but I always found something to do.

Given the premise that he is not going too do much more, can you offer any ideas? I like the library idea, but I know volunteering is defintely out so I won't even try it.

Thanks!

Diane

I find all of the above sad.