Unfriendly neighbors

[KimR]

I know how you feel. I am a very quiet and reserved person and although I do have a very difficult time warming up to people, I try my best to be friendly and cordial. Years ago, a new family moved into our neighborhood. DH met them while I was out of town and discovered that our girls were the same age and in the same dance class. Great, I thought - DD will have a friend and maybe I will too. DH introduced me to her one evening while were out and about in the neighborhood. It was a very quick meeting - basically DH saying 'Hi, we met the other day. This is my wife, etc.'. I told her it was nice to meet her and I was looking forward to seeing her later that week at dance class. That was basically the extent of the conversation - we then continued on with our walk.

Well, when she walked into the dance studio with her DD I smiled and started to say 'hi', but she averted her eyes and totally ignored me. Sat down and started chatting away with the other moms and refused to so much as glance my way. Ummm....ok then. Obviously we weren't going to be best buds. I can deal with that, but I was totally puzzled. What the heck did I do??? Granted, my social skills aren't the best, but we didn't carry on a conversation long enough for me to say anything inappropriate or to offend her in any way. . It was just weird.

Later on, she would deign to speak civilly me when we ran into each other, but she was never overly friendly. Similar things have happened with other neighbors too, but it's always been after more extended encounters, so I always figured it was me - I was just inadvertantly doing something to piss these women off. But seriously, how can you piss someone off by merely saying 'hi, it's nice to meet you'.

 

[starrzone]

Yeah, we have a neighbor next to us at our cottage who I consider to be somewhat rude (although my parents are "live and let live" kind of people, so they just let everything roll of their backs so to speak!). Our cottage is in a neighborhood, and my 80+ year old grandmother, who has hardly ANY sight at all, has one there too. She left some of the lights on at her cottage once, and the neighbor made some comment about keeping the power company in business (does HE pay her power bill? Why would he care???). Oh, and he came over to borrow some piece of yeard equipment and my brother (who is VERY mild-mannered and not harsh at all) told him that we didn't have it. This guy then said "Well, what's the use of you then?". I don't know if he's joking or not, but I thought this was really rude! Don't even get me started about how when these people built their cottage, they TOTALLY blocked the water view of their other neighbors (two really sweet, feisty older ladies) who then had to EXTEND their cottage to get their view back...

 

[asta]

I am disappointed because one of my next door neighbors is not very friendly. (They are minor celebrities, he was once a big time NFL player.) We live on only 1/2 acre lots so I think that it is very important to be on good terms with your neighbors. I have found over the years that you will overlook many things if they are done by someone that you like. So many of these neighborhood irritant type things can really be influenced by your mindset. I get along well with the neighbors on the other side and I don't think that they could do anything that would really upset me. It may just be me but if your my friend and I know your pets and children, I just don't get bothered as much if your dog is barking or you kids' friends are parking in front of my house. My advice with neighbors is that you need to make a very determined decision to like them from the beginning. This will help with so many things down the road.

 

[Amy&Dan]

That is exactly how I feel about it. I am also a rather reserved person. The minimum lot size in our subdivision is 5 acres, which suits me just fine. I don't want to be best friends with this woman. But I do want to have a cordial relationship with all of my neighbors, and this has more to do with figuring out what her problem is with me. It puzzles me.

See that's the thing. If you don't have some sort of rapport with your neighbors, then you or they can't feel a sense of community with them. If you don't know them a bit, you won't know the difference if you see something that might be amiss at their house. If I know my neighbors a bit, I am more likely to look out for them. For example, I am not "friends" with my neighbor across the street but I know their names and can carry on a friendly conversation with them from time to time. Which is why when he had togo out of town awhile back and it was going to snow, he asked if maybe my husband would mind going over to shovel a path so she could get down the driveway to get the mail etc. They are elderly and he didn't want her to fall. Now if we hadn't had this little friendly format going, he probably wouldn't have felt comfortbable about that. Just like now when I go out of town, I tell them to keep an eye on my house and to not be surprised to see a strange guy going in and out which is my friend's son who comes by to get the mail and check on things. Its not always about being friends, but rather just a way to sort of be in the know and look out for each other in the event of any type of distress.

Unfriendly neighbor lady? Have no idea what goes on in her life so if I see somebody odd going into her house, I won't think a thing about it. She doesn't want me to know her so that's her choice.

 

[barkley]

is it possible that you have different expectations of what being neighborly entails?

reason i ask is because before we moved to our current home (private roads, 10 acre lots-only about 20 homes) we never lived in a region where it was the norm to have existing neighbors take the time to come and introduce themselves-you just got to know them (if time permitted) as you were out and about in the neighborhood. never lived in an area where it was common, unless you were already close to a neighbor, to wave at everyone that passed on the road you were driving on (everyone does it here-no matter where in the surrounding area you are driving). you might share phone numbers or info. about traveling with a close neighbor you'de established a bond with-but you generaly did'nt know everyone's number or their personal plans.

as for the driving issue-just be aware, she may have been 'burned' by someone previously which is tempering her reactions to your requests. i've known far too many people who have seen one or two times of agreeing to drive a neighbor's child (or pick them up when they picked their own child up somewhere) evolve into the other neighbor taking way to much advantage of their kindness and abusing the situation. personaly, while i would'nt hesitate to help out picking up a neighbor's child if i were already traveling to a destination and had no alternate plans that including the child would entail-it would only be in the event of emergency or a delay (parent calls from somewhere and they are stuck in traffic or got out of an appointment too late to meet the bus)-if it was just because someone chose to schedual an appointment during the time they knew they were obligated to transport their own child i likely would'nt be very helpful-i figure that unless it's one of those rare situations where say a doctor has said you come to this appointment at this time-no other choices given-the parent knew of their preexisting obligation and should have planned according and not considered me as their back up plan for transportation. it's one thing with medical and other emergent appointments-a whole other if it's hair, regular checkups, errands or volunteering (had one neighbor who was 'super volunteer' at the school and people marveled at how she managed it with her family obligations-bulk of people did'nt know she had burned one neighbor after another roping them into running her kids from place to place, watching them 'just for a few minutes while i'm running late' all while doing volunteer work that could have been greatly scaled back or schedualed (as most other parents did) around their own children's needs.

 

[just4today]

Its not always about being friends, but rather just a way to sort of be in the know and look out for each other in the event of any type of distress.

Last spring, her son told my son that he was going to burn our house down while we were out of town. I don't think they're looking out for us much

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Nieghbors are a fine line. I don't want to be too close as that can get weird. I just want to be friendly and have us all look out for each other's homes and kids.

Amen!

We had neighbors move in a few years ago that were about our age, no kids. After a few over the fence conversations we invited them to share in our backyard bbq dinner, and they invited the kids over to play in their backyard. We were thrilled!

Then it started. She hates the woman next door, says she's a huge gossip. She dislikes the woman across the street because she's a drunk. She is furious with the woman across from me because she doesn't wave to her when she passes by. (Mind you, I don't know these people well, but they seem like intelligent, lovely women.) Yet she invited these people to an in-home party and was as nice as pie to their face... And her MIL, whom she cannot stand and behaved horribly to in front of everyone!

There's much more to the story, but suffice it to say that DH and I no longer allow our children around her unsupervised. I want nothing to do with this person, but DH feels like we should try to be at least friendly, "neighborly".

I'd give anything to have a neighbor who ignored us.

 

[redshoes]

I'm sorry that your neighbor is unfriendly. I've had my share of "interesting" neighbor situations.
I've learned some valuable lessons from my neighbors. If the next door gossiper is willing to talk about everyone on the street to me- you can bet that she is talking about me to everyone on the street too. I also learned from her that staying silent during these gossip sessions is the same as agreeing with everything she has shared with me. I learned that the husband and wife across the street that I thought I would have nothing in common with because of all kinds of different lifestyle choices are the best people around. I'm glad that we have both taken the time to get to know one another. I've found that I have no idea what is going on behind close doors in all of the houses on my street and my neighbors might be reacting to something going on within their families and not just ignoring me when they don't wave every single time they see me. And finally, I've learned that just because they live next door to you doesn't mean that you have to be friends. If you've made an honest effort and they have decided not to met you half way, sad and too bad for them. I know that sounds cruel but honestly you're not going to get along with everyone and just because you share a street address doesn't mean that you have to be friends.

 

[Disney Doll]

My neighbor has decided, after 12 years, that my cats smell. He reports me to the Board of Health once every few months, complaining of a "vile odor that causes vomiting." (yes, that's a quote from the notice). Last year he tried to get me evicted.

Both the building and the Board of Health have found no grounds for the complaint.

Nice, huh?

I had a neighbor who used to complain to the dog warden about my dog's barking "incessantly". Then the dog warden would call me, I'd try and keep the dog quiet or pull him in the minute he made a peep. Now, mind you, the dog did bark at a squirrle or a diesel engine truck if one went by. But that was about it. He didn't bark incessantly.

Then one day I guess he complained about my dog barking when we were on vacation and my dog was at my mother's house in a different town! There was a message on the machine when we got home, so i called the dog warden and told him the dog hadn't been home for 10 days, so it could not have been him barking. I also requested that the dog warden sit in the neighbor's driveway and see if, in fact, my dog barked incessantly. So one day, he did. I didn't know he was there because their backyard and driveway have very tall hedges that blocked my view. So, my dog was in and out and doing his dog thing all day, like normal, because I didn't know anything was going on. After that day, the dog warden told that guy that if he called again to complain about my dog that they'd give HIM a citation for filing a false complaint.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, sounds like there may have been a few little "issues" which have colored each of your perceptions about the other....it's kind of a "telling" statement when her son threatens to burn down your house while you're away!

I think the time for worrying about this neighbor & your relationship is past. Ignore her. Yes, it's nice to be cordial with your neighbors, at least, but if some people don't want even that small of a relationship, then really your only choice is ignore them. I wouldn't go out of my way to be mean, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice. Pretend they don't exist.

I have one set of neighbors that I do that with. When they first moved in, they did some nasty stuff so I pretend they don't exist. I live on a corner so they are across the street and diagonal from me, so it's pretty easy to ignore them. Really, I just pretend they don't exist.

I don't think it's me, because with all my other neighbors I have wonderful relationships. Some people just are "minglers".

 

[dogluva]

Have you ever lived near someone who just wouldn't warm up to you, no matter how friendly you were? I don't need to be BFF's with this person, but I would like to have a cordial relationship with all of my neighbors. It is exasperating.

Yes, I live right next door to the most unfrienliest (mean, actually) neighbors on the planet. THey would not look at us when we moved in. Not as much as a wave back. It has progressively gotten worse. Don't remember what I did to them in a past life but I, honestly, don't care anymoe.

 

[dogluva]

I am not trying to have a relationship with them. However, I do think since we live in a private subdivision with only a few houses, it would be polite for her to return my wave as we pass each other on our road. Instead she gives me the stink eye for no aparant reason. I feel as though I must have offended her inadvertently and I'd like the opportunity to at least know what I've done.

I agree. I definetely do not want to be friends with these people, but sheesh, a smile or a quick wave instead of a nasty look (we call it the skunk eye) would not be too hard. I have given up trying to figure out why we are shunned by these people. It used to bother me but I don't really care anymore (just curious as why they hate us so much before they even knew us!).

 

[just4today]

I've found that I have no idea what is going on behind close doors in all of the houses on my street and my neighbors might be reacting to something going on within their families and not just ignoring me when they don't wave every single time they see me.

I understand that. But to give me the stink eye? That isn't just her being in her own world and not acknowledging me.

And finally, I've learned that just because they live next door to you doesn't mean that you have to be friends. If you've made an honest effort and they have decided not to met you half way, sad and too bad for them. I know that sounds cruel but honestly you're not going to get along with everyone and just because you share a street address doesn't mean that you have to be friends.

I have already said I'm not looking to be friends with her. But having her not be rude to me would be nice. Having her children not be rude to my children would be nice.

OP, sounds like there may have been a few little "issues" which have colored each of your perceptions about the other....it's kind of a "telling" statement when her son threatens to burn down your house while you're away!

Yes, there have been other issues, such as her dogs running wild on my property, pooping in my driveway, howling outside my bedroom window at night as they are roaming the neighborhood, all of which I have endured silently. There have also been numerous incidents with her children bullying my children on the bus, including ethnic slurs, which I (they) have endured silently until finally last spring I had the vice principal of the elementary school speak to their son to let him know it would no longer be tolerated. However, to my knowledge, the parents were not called.

I think the time for worrying about this neighbor & your relationship is past. Ignore her. Yes, it's nice to be cordial with your neighbors, at least, but if some people don't want even that small of a relationship, then really your only choice is ignore them. I wouldn't go out of my way to be mean, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice. Pretend they don't exist.

Yes, I am finally to that point. I think I have bent over backwards to try to maintain harmony when many times I have felt like telling her to go to he__ because of the above-mentioned things. The only thing that makes me hesitate is that I am a single mother and I fear retaliation. It seems pretty clear the ethnic slurs the 4th grade son was spewing were coming from somewhere. The funny thing is, although I've never actually spoken to him, the dad of the family always waves and smiles.

 

[GoingBald]

I am not cordial or friendly, nor wave to the neighbor woman next door.

Since she and her DH (who seems nice enough) have moved here, the cops have been at her house 5-6 times in the last 3 years. Issues with adult children's Ex's, grandkids that the ex wanted custody of, a suicidal sister, screaming fights that a neighbor called the cops, and once we had police surrounding her home because she "thought she had an intruder at 10am (on a dead end street with no houses around our street. )
She is a loon



But she probably thinks I'm a stuck up snob who isn't friendly

 

[redshoes]

I understand that. But to give me the stink eye? That isn't just her being in her own world and not acknowledging me.



I have already said I'm not looking to be friends with her. But having her not be rude to me would be nice. Having her children not be rude to my children would be nice.

I think maybe my reply was not what I meant to convey to you- I agree she shouldn't give you the stink eye and I understand that her children should not be rude to yours (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree comes to mind). I guess I was just trying to say that you know that you've done your best to be nice and her reaction to you is not something that you can control. Doesn't make it right, Doesn't make it okay, but she has decided to be rude for whatever reason and that is her fault not yours.

 

[just4today]

I am not cordial or friendly, nor wave to the neighbor woman next door.

Since she and her DH (who seems nice enough) have moved here, the cops have been at her house 5-6 times in the last 3 years. Issues with adult children's Ex's, grandkids that the ex wanted custody of, a suicidal sister, screaming fights that a neighbor called the cops, and once we had police surrounding her home because she "thought she had an intruder at 10am (on a dead end street with no houses around our street. )
She is a loon



But she probably thinks I'm a stuck up snob who isn't friendly

Well at least you have a reason.

 

[DVC-Don]

We know everyone here by first name and watch out for each others yards & homes while they are away. But, years ago in another state we had a similar neighborhood and one new couple moved in. We brought brownies over and introduced ourselves and invited them to a yearly neighborhood "end of summer party". They flat out told us they would not be making any friends in the neighborhood as they both worked for IBM and "stayed within the IBM family" for friends. Years later they were still there and no one knew their names still. I heard a couple of years ago from a friend still there that the couple had both been "downsized" by IBM, were still there and still no one really knew them.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Yes, I am finally to that point. I think I have bent over backwards to try to maintain harmony when many times I have felt like telling her to go to he__ because of the above-mentioned things. The only thing that makes me hesitate is that I am a single mother and I fear retaliation. It seems pretty clear the ethnic slurs the 4th grade son was spewing were coming from somewhere. The funny thing is, although I've never actually spoken to him, the dad of the family always waves and smiles.

It now makes some sense to me. Up until now, I was wondering if she's a single mom. But you are. Personally, I find many married women to be witchy. I stay away as much as possible. The men are always fine. The wives seem to see a single mom as a threat.

I will say hi to a neighbor if we are walking by each other. I don't wave if we're passing in cars...unless I see them wave first. I tend and LIKE a lot of "space" between us! I know the names of neighbors in 2 homes. That's it. The only other way I find out about anyone is if the mailman messes up and puts their mail in my box.

Basically, I keep my distance from all the neighbors.

 

[daisax]

Oh, and he came over to borrow some piece of yeard equipment and my brother (who is VERY mild-mannered and not harsh at all) told him that we didn't have it. This guy then said "Well, what's the use of you then?". I don't know if he's joking or not, but I thought this was really rude!

I have no idea about YOUR neighbor, but in my neck of the woods that's a joke (usually you ask a favor, the person can't help, then you say "so what good are ya?") I probably wouldn't say it to a near stranger, but it's definitely something I'd say to a friend or close acquaintance I was joshing around with. He may just have been trying to be folksy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- I have a couple of questions.
Why would you ask this woman to drive your child anywhere? You have said that you don't know really know her and she barely waves hello to you. Why would it even occur to you to ask her to do you a favor? Also- how did she treat your child when she did drive her? You said her DD is just as unfriendly. Are your children friendly at all to these people? Oh- and yeah, if her kid was threatening to burn my home down I would have aleady been over there to talk to her about it. While I understand that you want to be neighborly etc. and I try to be that way too, she really isn't interested and it is almost like you are pushing yourself on her. I would just pretend she doesn't exist. We can't like everyone and everyone can't like us. Good luck!