Under-achievers....

[Christine]

He goofed off throughout high school, did some community college work and is a journeyman. He's happy, but he's never really ACHIEVED anything other than satisfying himself and getting by without really screwing up. Don't get me wrong: I love him, but I do feel that he's capable of much more.

For some being happy is enough. Some people just aren't aggressive nor are they particularly ambitious. They are happy about that. As for a journeyman, you didn't say what type. My husband is a journeyman making over six figures annually.

 

[lovesmurfs]

That is so sad...a good, profitable, respectable profession being thrown out the window for no good reason.

That's the challenge I'm having with DH (who has a doctorate, I have a master's). My DS does have a plan. He WANTS to go to Tech School for auto mechanics so that he can get a job to pay for nursing school. So what's so bad about that?

DH says that he'll start working and then marry and have a family and never go back to nursing. My argument is WHO cares? If he's happy in autos, then I'm happy. I got my bachelors and masters after having 2 kids. Adult education has never been easier to juggle with life, if he decides to do so.

 

[TaraPA]

I can sympathize and empathize with you. I have a female version of your DS. She's still trying to buy a clue, but she hasn't dropped out/flunked out of college yet, so hang in there.

Her big thing is that, if she doesn't like the teacher, she won't do the work. It's pure procrastination and bias - the work she never did/turned in is what lowers her grade, time and again. (That, plus latenesses/absences.) She spent two or three of her high-school summers in summer school, which prevented us from going on vacation for those years. (Due to family circumstances, we couldn't ask someone else to stay with her and there was no way she was staying home alone.) She didn't care that everyone had to suffer for her screwup.

This has interfered with her getting jobs as well, which it should. Show up late for your shift more than once and you're on the chopping block. She needs to learn that lesson and get over her snotty "Everyone hates me." attitude. It'll happen soon, I hope.

After many years of counseling, I concluded that it's her psychotic way of being in power. She controls when and if she wants to go to class. She controls whether or not this assignment deserves her efforts. If she fails the class, that somehow reflects on the teacher, in her opinion. At one point, my DD thought her failure to thrive would get a long-standing and well-respected teacher fired, lol.

A wise person once said that parents learn with their oldest child and thrive with their younger kids. We resolved to let our younger kids just do it themselves and take it on the chin. Better for them to learn about failing in middle school than later on in life, right? There's no way in h-e-double hockey sticks we're going to play this game again. My middle one wants to go to an Ivy-League college; that won't happen if she doesn't learn to work hard in school.

I'll remark "Hey - the calendar says you have a report due tomorrow" if I truly see that note, but I won't nag them every day or force them to do it. It's their responsibility and if they fail, they fail.

I think the most important thing to realize is that it does not reflect on you. My DH and I are overachievers, well-organized and we pull out all the stops for everything we attempt. At one point, a close family member said "What happened to her? Did work ethic skip a generation?" That's when I realized that we've set the example, we've given her a great education, mental health care, and a good working environment. Her attitude is HER cross to bear, not ours.

Good luck - hope all works out sooner, rather than later.

Reading this brought tears to my eyes, you hit the nail on the head. DS13 blames his poor grades on the teachers, they don't like him, they're out to get him, blah blah blah. He thinks by doing poorly in those classes it's a reflection of the teacher, not of himself. It's also totally a power trip to my son, like you stated it was with your DD above.

I love your last paragraph as well, very supportive info for those of us going through it. I'm an over-achiever, perfectionist, have to give 110% at everything I do. That's why it pains me SO MUCH to know he has it in him, we taught him to be that way, yet he just doesn't care. We set good examples for him, teach him to do the right thing, yet he is lazy & has a poor attitude. I can't help but beat myself up over this, where did I go wrong? Maybe I just need to take a step back & realize "he is not me, he is himself, and we are different."

Thaks for your caring & support!

 

[Magpie]

I understand what the OP is saying about not liking the DSS, but she really means his behavior. I'm sure she loves him just as much, but loving someone is different from liking how they act. (((OP)))


I'm not trying to start a fight here, but I'm really intrigued by the people who posted from the school-hater side of the fence. You've said that you found your niche and are doing well, but do you think you've become achievers? Do your families think that you've turned around? Or have you just kept your low standards and your families have accepted it because it's unchangeable?

I ask because I went to school with a cousin in just this situation, except that he transferred to my school after he failed several courses at an elite high school. He goofed off throughout high school, did some community college work and is a journeyman. He's happy, but he's never really ACHIEVED anything other than satisfying himself and getting by without really screwing up. Don't get me wrong: I love him, but I do feel that he's capable of much more. Whenever his name comes up, there's an air of regret, of lost opportunity, that surfaces. He's sort of "dismissed" with a "Hey, he's not on drugs, he's never been arrested, he works here and there, and he isn't hurting anyone."

I often think of a former coworker who had a law degree, a masters in business technology, and an insurance license. She worked in the IT department of a major insurance firm, handling the contract-development projects. That's a real niche, with achievement on top.

In Grade 5, I had a whole bunch of testing done because I was failing school. My IQ came back ridiculously high - like much, much higher than anything anyone had ever seen before.

I happily underachieved almost all the way through high school and squeaked by with summer school (which was free in our district). I put the effort in and got the grades only because it meant I could skip a year and get out early. Then I dropped out of university.

Eventually my boyfriend (now my husband) convinced me I needed to finish my degree, just to say it was done, so I went back and took only fun, interesting courses and ended up on the deans list without ever intending to be there.

What have I achieved?

I have a solid marriage and two great kids. My husband is my best friend!

I homeschooled my children during the early years, and they both have a really good grasp of the basics - reading, writing and arithmetic. I'm proud of that!

I'm currently teaching Grade 7 math to a friends son, because he just dropped out of school and his mother doesn't want him to go through life without knowing his math.

I painted a mural on my bathroom wall. More murals to come in the rest of the house...

I painted murals in the local elementary school.

I have an article published in an encyclopedia.

I illustrated scholarly books.

I wrote a novel over a three day weekend, and won third place in a contest!

I put my husband on a diet and he lost 65 lbs, and now the doctor says he doesn't have to be on blood pressure meds after all. (I'm very, very proud of this one!)

I figured out what was medically wrong with my son, and what had to be done to help him.

I nursed my elderly cat through the last days of her life, and used this time to teach the kids about life, aging and dying.

I computerized the entire membership database of a provincial non-profit organization, and co-ordinated for them for several years after.

I've taught First Grade Sunday School - and I've also taught sex-ed to fifth graders!

I've been a field captain for a local charity for several years, and I still volunteer in at least four other charities.

I've knitted blankets galore, and made socks for everyone in the family. I've donated some of my work to charities.

I've designed websites, and graphics for my friends.

I may not have earned much money in my life (okay, none), but I'm definitely proud of what I've achieved.

***I do NOT feel like an underachiever, and I would be very annoyed if my family looked at me with "an air of regret, of missed opportunity".

 

[ckay87]

I'm not trying to start a fight here, but I'm really intrigued by the people who posted from the school-hater side of the fence. You've said that you found your niche and are doing well, but do you think you've become achievers? Do your families think that you've turned around? Or have you just kept your low standards and your families have accepted it because it's unchangeable?

Hi, I guess I'd be one you are referring to. What exactly are you looking for me to achieve so that I can bust out of my oh-so-low standards? I mean, I have not yet cured cancer, but I think accomplish quite a bit every day. And I am...GASP....happy. When they lower my box in the ground, I think many people will remember me fondly for quite some time. Am I supposed to want more? Do tell.

 

[Magpie]

I just looked at our district website regarding summer school. It runs from June 21 to July 30, every day. It costs $200. I just showed my son the webpage. If he has to go, he'll be paying for the class with his own money. He is officially FLIPPING out. He just screamed "What have I done???"....

Wake up call maybe???

That's hilarious!

Well, now that he's paying for his own education, he may take it more seriously.

 

[bluesaturn]

***I do NOT feel like an underachiever, and I would be very annoyed if my family looked at me with "an air of regret, of missed opportunity".

This is all great stuff, but I'm assuming it was possible because you married someone who had an income that could support your family? If you hadn't married, do you think you would have succeeded in the working world?
Not being snarky, just honestly asking.

 

[Magpie]

This is all great stuff, but I'm assuming it was possible because you married someone who had an income that could support your family? If you hadn't married, do you think you would have succeeded in the working world?
Not being snarky, just honestly asking.

Oh, I can't imagine never marrying! But if I'd married someone with a lot less earning potential, I'd have kept working at the comic book store.

Otherwise, I would have done most of the same things I've done now. The only things I would have missed out on were the trips to Disney, and a bunch of the charity and church work I've done. I'd still be drawing and writing, because those are things I've always done (except for when when my kids were small and I was too busy).

I think there's a lot more to living a good, useful life than how much money you make or whether you have a "sexy" job. For me, life is about relationships and making them work.

My goal is to be that old lady you see in the restaurant on her birthday with all her children, and grandchilden and friends all around the table, toasting her and teasing her and having a wonderful time. If I get there, I will consider myself a great success.

None of the rest of it matters one bit.

 

[agnes!]

...[edit]... He took his last final yesterday. All quarter long, I asked him how he was doing in his classes. His answer was always "Great!". Last night, I casually asked him if I was going to be in for a shock when report cards come in the mail. He flipped out. It finally came out that he failed algebra this quarter. He went from a B last quarter to an F. His grades for the semester are C, F, B, F. If he doesn't pass the final, he's screwed. Summer School probably. ...[edit]...

I just looked at our district website regarding summer school. It runs from June 21 to July 30, every day. It costs $200. I just showed my son the webpage. If he has to go, he'll be paying for the class with his own money. He is officially FLIPPING out. He just screamed "What have I done???"....

Wake up call maybe???

What exactly does he do when he 'flips out'? Is he embarassed/angry/screaming/sad/crying/whatever? Is it kind of an "I've been found out by mom" or maybe "I now have to give up some time to fix the situation I created"...?

...[edit]... He has never NOT wanted to go to school. He LOVES the social aspect of it, and was only absent once due to illness. He has friends, all of whom are in honors classes...I once thought that maybe this was the problem, as he is in regular academic classes. But I also thought that he'd work harder in order to test into honors to be with his friends. I was wrong on that one. He is very connected through our church, and is very active there. He's a bright kid and does good things, but school performance is his one area that he just can not pull together. I am really worried about his future.

You might not believe this, but sometimes a kid does practically everything right, gets great grades (Honors & AP classes), has extra-curriculars (wins awards), good morals(no drugs, no alcohol), is polite/well-mannered/well-spoken and yet truly hates high school. Just wanted to mention that everything isn't always greener on the other side of the academic fence.

agnes!

 

[bluesaturn]

Oh, I can't imagine never marrying! But if I'd married someone with a lot less earning potential, I'd have kept working at the comic book store.

Otherwise, I would have done most of the same things I've done now. The only things I would have missed out on were the trips to Disney, and a bunch of the charity and church work I've done. I'd still be drawing and writing, because those are things I've always done (except for when when my kids were small and I was too busy).

I think there's a lot more to living a good, useful life than how much money you make or whether you have a "sexy" job. For me, life is about relationships and making them work.

My goal is to be that old lady you see in the restaurant on her birthday with all her children, and grandchilden and friends all around the table, toasting her and teasing her and having a wonderful time. If I get there, I will consider myself a great success.

None of the rest of it matters one bit.

I agree there is a lot more to life than your occupation. And that your level of education is not guarantee of how much money you will make, how successful you will be, etc. But most of us have to get a job at some point, just to survive. For example you said you would work at the comic book store.
And then there will be some tasks in any job that you hate, but you still have to do. And some people (or bosses) that you hate, but you still have to work with. I think most parents fear that if their kids get into this pattern of not trying when they aren't interested in the subject, or not caring when they don't like their boss, it might care over to their future jobs. And the stakes will be much higher at that point.

 

[Magpie]

I agree there is a lot more to life than your occupation. And that your level of education is not guarantee of how much money you will make, how successful you will be, etc. But most of us have to get a job at some point, just to survive. For example you said you would work at the comic book store.
And then there will be some tasks in any job that you hate, but you still have to do. And some people (or bosses) that you hate, but you still have to work with. I think most parents fear that if their kids get into this pattern of not trying when they aren't interested in the subject, or not caring when they don't like their boss, it might care over to their future jobs. And the stakes will be much higher at that point.

I agree completely! I was responding more to the person who feels that her journeyman cousin has never achieved anything in his life, who asked if high school "underachievers" like me had families who had just given up on ever expecting anything out of us. You know, because we're all just such disappointing slackers.

Her cousin is a journeyman! I'm sure he's had jobs he's disliked, but he's done them anyway. He's supporting himself, and he's content. I don't see any reason to judge him for that, not even if he's got a genius IQ and could be a rocket scientist. It's his life, not hers!

Also, in the real world, only chumps stay forever in a job they hate. Sometimes you have to put up with a bad situation for a little while, but eventually you find a new job or a better boss.

My son told me yesterday that he failed a French test and now he has to rewrite it. "When?" Monday, he says. This morning I told him not to forget to bring home his study sheet, because if he doesn't he'll have to look the words up on the internet. "Do you want me to help you study this weekend?" I asked. "No!" So, I won't. If he fails the test, then he fails the test.

BTW, that "No," wasn't a given. Because we also had a conversation this morning in which he said that he didn't think he'd get into the Jazz band next year because there were only four slots and one was already taken. "You're going to have to practice hard this summer," I said. He looked dubious and reiterated that he didn't think he had a chance. "Do you want me to remind you every day to practice?" His face lit up. "Could you?" "Absolutely," I said. "We'll do this together."

French he doesn't care about. Jazz he does. I want him to learn about persistence and hard work, and we'll do it through Jazz. I also want him to learn about how actions have consequences - and we'll get that through French.

 

[iwrbnd]

Reading these posts have made me feel better about my own DS17. He's a smart kid but has never worked to his full potential. I remember his sophomore year being so bad that I gave up and said "Fail or pass, I don't care anymore!" I was so tired of over-parenting to get him to pass! Luckily, the school stepped up & took over. They said he had "executive functioning issues" (you should google it) and gave him an IEP. His junior year was waaay better & I got to be a mom again instead of this nagging monster I had become! Hang in there, you're not alone!

 

[luvsJack]

I'm disappointed. But I think the worst thing right now is that I don't like him. I'm having a hard time looking at him and feeling proud. I'm feeling guilty for feeling this way. I love the kid, and he IS a good kid (no drugs, or trouble...and this I know for sure). His teachers love him despite his grades. His biology teacher told him that he's the kind of kid that makes teachers want to teach. How do I get through this summer and stop feeling what I feel about my son? I look at other kids, who work hard and WANT to work hard, and it just makes me so sad that my son is SO smart but refuses to use what he has.

Sigh....

That single statement (bolded) is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Be proud of your son because of WHO he is not WHAT he does. Every thing you describe sounds like a person to be proud of.

Not all kids are overachievers. Not all kids will make the perfect grades. Not all kids will work hard in high school. This is just the simple truth. And, you know, it doesn't mean he won't succeed in life. He just needs to find his way, find what it is HE wants to achieve (not what mom and dad want him to achieve).

There are many in college right now, earning degrees in technical programs getting ready for careers in very well paying fields that didn't do well in high school (I know because I have seen the transcripts). Actually there are many in 4 year colleges too that didn't do well in hs either. Not every college student has a 4.0 GPA in high school, far from it.

Instead of being down on him and not proud of him, sit down with him and help him figure out where he messed up (don't tell him, let him tell you) and how he can fix it. If that means summer school, so be it. If it means retaking the class next year, so be it. Right now I would assume the main objective is to graduate and to find his "calling" along the way. So help him figure out how to reach the objective, the other will come along.

 

[Trish Bessette]

But...you need to stop thinking about him that way. He sounds like a wonderful kid with one problem. Dislike the problem, not your son. He is still a child, struggling to grow. Think of him that way. He probably hates it just as much as you do, but doesn't really know how to make himself stop the behavior.

 

[DizBelle]

Oh, I can't imagine never marrying! But if I'd married someone with a lot less earning potential, I'd have kept working at the comic book store.

Otherwise, I would have done most of the same things I've done now. The only things I would have missed out on were the trips to Disney, and a bunch of the charity and church work I've done. I'd still be drawing and writing, because those are things I've always done (except for when when my kids were small and I was too busy).

I think there's a lot more to living a good, useful life than how much money you make or whether you have a "sexy" job. For me, life is about relationships and making them work.

My goal is to be that old lady you see in the restaurant on her birthday with all her children, and grandchilden and friends all around the table, toasting her and teasing her and having a wonderful time. If I get there, I will consider myself a great success.

None of the rest of it matters one bit.

Ask the people living under bridges without food or shelter or health care whose kids were taken away by the state because they couldn't take care of them and are now in foster care if "none of the rest of it matters one bit."

 

[MineMail]

I have a solid marriage and two great kids. My husband is my best friend!

I homeschooled my children during the early years, and they both have a really good grasp of the basics - reading, writing and arithmetic. I'm proud of that!

<snip>

I may not have earned much money in my life (okay, none), but I'm definitely proud of what I've achieved.

***I do NOT feel like an underachiever, and I would be very annoyed if my family looked at me with "an air of regret, of missed opportunity".

I asked if the "school haters" attitude towards life in general changed once they found their niche. Sounds like you have found it and have worked hard at all these many accomplishments. I wasn't looking for a laundry list, but thank you for sharing and answering me so well.

Hi, I guess I'd be one you are referring to. What exactly are you looking for me to achieve so that I can bust out of my oh-so-low standards? I mean, I have not yet cured cancer, but I think accomplish quite a bit every day. And I am...GASP....happy. When they lower my box in the ground, I think many people will remember me fondly for quite some time. Am I supposed to want more? Do tell.

How have you improved yourself? Are you financially secure? Do you have strong family/friends networks? Did you ever continue your education or learn a trade? Do you regular make an effort towards accomplishing ANYTHING, be it a home improvement project or a piece of writing/artwork/etc? I'm wondering if not wanting to strive and work hard is really a early lifestyle choice or if it's just (in the OP's case) an issue with the school setting?

Oh, I can't imagine never marrying! But if I'd married someone with a lot less earning potential, I'd have kept working at the comic book store.My goal is to be that old lady you see in the restaurant on her birthday with all her children, and grandchilden and friends all around the table, toasting her and teasing her and having a wonderful time. If I get there, I will consider myself a great success.

None of the rest of it matters one bit.

I agree with you, but sadly, I see this cousin being cut off from the family due to distance, lack of money, and having to work in so many places. He really doesn't have a trade, per se. According to his siblings, video games are his main form of entertainment, but he doesn't want to learn how to create one, he just wants to play them when he's not working. He doesn't have close friends or a significant other of any gender, but I wish he did - he's a great guy and a lot of fun. I guess all the moving around and traveling is an obstacle.

I was responding more to the person who feels that her journeyman cousin has never achieved anything in his life, who asked if high school "underachievers" like me had families who had just given up on ever expecting anything out of us. You know, because we're all just such disappointing slackers.

Her cousin is a journeyman! I'm sure he's had jobs he's disliked, but he's done them anyway. He's supporting himself, and he's content. I don't see any reason to judge him for that, not even if he's got a genius IQ and could be a rocket scientist. It's his life, not hers!

You took offense before you answered the question honestly.

You think I'm judging my cousing unfavorably. That's not true, I'm just stating the facts and using him as an example. I can't think of anything he's really been passionate about in the last 25 years since he left school. He just gets by on the jobs he can pick up and is always worried about money. He has very few friends, no love interests, and rarely sees his family because of the financial obstacles. I would never choose that lifestyle and I have parts of my family that I don't care for, but they're part of the package. His branch of the family os wonderful and there are a lot of siblings, all close-knit, so I don't think there are any relationship issues keeping him away. It's just the money and distance.

Try to answer again with an open mind: If you were someone who hated school, did anything later on ignite a passion and a will to achieve great results once you were out of the academic setting? I have a friend who hated school, but he has his own trade that he LOVES. To see him worry about the trim on a stained-glass piece he just framed is to watch a master at work. It's his passion and he constantly tries to do his best.

Many responders have said "I hated school" but was it really school or was it the same situation another poster brought up of not wanting to make an effort and be disappointed by falling short of the achievement? Did the lack of "work ethic" go away when you left school? Did anything inspire you to do your very best?

Successful relationships absolutely count more than work, sports or hobbies, in my opinion, but others may disagree, which is fine too.

 

[Magpie]

Ask the people living under bridges without food or shelter or health care whose kids were taken away by the state because they couldn't take care of them and are now in foster care if "none of the rest of it matters one bit."

Actually, if those people had good social support networks, they wouldn't be living under a bridge. I'm not blaming them, it's just a fact of life.

My best friend had her first bout of suicidal depression when she was a child. She currently can't work. I have another friend, though, who is a lawyer and she helped my friend apply for Disability. Now my best friend has a place to live and enough money to live on.

When I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness" all I kept wondering was, "Why doesn't he have any friends whose couches he can crash on?" When a close family friend lost his house in a bad divorce and ended up with nowhere to live and a disabled child to look after, his friends got together and made sure he and his kid had a couch to sleep on until they could find a more permanent place to live.

When I was a student, getting by on minimum wage, and my money ran out at the end of the month, I knew I could always go to my friends houses to get a decent meal.

Social connections make ALL the difference in the world. I'd rather be poor and have lots of good, trustworthy friends and family (and believe me, I've been poor), than be rich and not be able to count on anyone.

Oh, and I live in a country where I don't have to worry about medical bills. That makes a BIG difference.

 

[Magpie]

You took offense before you answered the question honestly.

You think I'm judging my cousing unfavorably. That's not true, I'm just stating the facts and using him as an example. I can't think of anything he's really been passionate about in the last 25 years since he left school. He just gets by on the jobs he can pick up and is always worried about money. He has very few friends, no love interests, and rarely sees his family because of the financial obstacles. I would never choose that lifestyle and I have parts of my family that I don't care for, but they're part of the package. His branch of the family os wonderful and there are a lot of siblings, all close-knit, so I don't think there are any relationship issues keeping him away. It's just the money and distance.

Try to answer again with an open mind: If you were someone who hated school, did anything later on ignite a passion and a will to achieve great results once you were out of the academic setting? I have a friend who hated school, but he has his own trade that he LOVES. To see him worry about the trim on a stained-glass piece he just framed is to watch a master at work. It's his passion and he constantly tries to do his best.

Many responders have said "I hated school" but was it really school or was it the same situation another poster brought up of not wanting to make an effort and be disappointed by falling short of the achievement? Did the lack of "work ethic" go away when you left school? Did anything inspire you to do your very best?

Successful relationships absolutely count more than work, sports or hobbies, in my opinion, but others may disagree, which is fine too.

Sorry about the laundry list - I was a little embarrassed when I read that over, but I decided to leave it. As a stay-at-home non-wage-earning mom I'm a bit sensitive on the topic of underachieving. I swear, sometimes it feels like people think I sit around all day eating bon-bons!

I did not realize that you were talking about your cousin's lack of passion, instead of his lack of achievement. That's different! Everyone should have something in their life that makes them light up.

If he's not happy with his life, then yes, that's disappointing. Hopefully he'll realize that and do something about it - assuming he's not being hobbled by a psychological issue that he can't cope with alone. Perfectionism is one issue that can really hamstring some people - they are too afraid of failure to even try.

FWIW - I truely hated school. I have an LD that makes listening to lectures extremely difficult. The teacher sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. The work was boring. I remember sitting in class feeling like I was just suffocating.

When I had kids I told them both, "You never have to stay anywhere you're miserable. I don't care if it's school, a job or a marriage. If you're not happy - and I mean REALLY not happy - then get out. Find something else to do." I'd rather have a high school drop out who is busy with *something*, than a kid going to school every day like a zombie and wasting his teacher's time.

I think your cousin's problem is that it sounds like he's not happy - but he's also not getting out of his present circumstances and finding something else to do with his life. Is it possible he's stuck, at least psychologically? Depression is another nasty one that gets people, sometimes.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I understand what the OP is saying about not liking the DSS, but she really means his behavior. I'm sure she loves him just as much, but loving someone is different from liking how they act. (((OP)))


I'm not trying to start a fight here, but I'm really intrigued by the people who posted from the school-hater side of the fence. You've said that you found your niche and are doing well, but do you think you've become achievers? Do your families think that you've turned around? Or have you just kept your low standards and your families have accepted it because it's unchangeable?

I ask because I went to school with a cousin in just this situation, except that he transferred to my school after he failed several courses at an elite high school. He goofed off throughout high school, did some community college work and is a journeyman. He's happy, but he's never really ACHIEVED anything other than satisfying himself and getting by without really screwing up. Don't get me wrong: I love him, but I do feel that he's capable of much more. Whenever his name comes up, there's an air of regret, of lost opportunity, that surfaces. He's sort of "dismissed" with a "Hey, he's not on drugs, he's never been arrested, he works here and there, and he isn't hurting anyone."

I often think of a former coworker who had a law degree, a masters in business technology, and an insurance license. She worked in the IT department of a major insurance firm, handling the contract-development projects. That's a real niche, with achievement on top.

My husband was an underachiever in high school and did very well in college. He only has a B.A., but is working on his Masters.

 

[ilovesugar]

I've posted before about my DS15 who is a freshman in HS. He had a rough year. Between hormones, and the changes that go on between middle school and HS, he went from being a consistent A/B student to a "sometimes B, mostly C, sometimes F" student.

Our school district is on block scheduling, so this semester, he had Algebra, Biology and French as his three academic classes. He also had gym and band.

All semester long, I had to literally nag him to do well. I was on the "parent portal" (online grade system) constantly. I made him do his homework in the dining room. I was in contact with teachers. It was EXHAUSTING. He did great the third quarter, all A's and B's, and made honor roll. BUT, it was because of my DH and I riding his behind CONSTANTLY.

Finally, this fourth quarter, I thought, "there is no way that a 15 year old should need this kind of control from their parents". I remember reading a response to a post on here about giving up the control and the fighting, and just let the chips lay where they may fall. Natural consequences. So, I did not look on the parent portal all of fourth quarter.

He took his last final yesterday. All quarter long, I asked him how he was doing in his classes. His answer was always "Great!". Last night, I casually asked him if I was going to be in for a shock when report cards come in the mail. He flipped out. It finally came out that he failed algebra this quarter. He went from a B last quarter to an F. His grades for the semester are C, F, B, F. If he doesn't pass the final, he's screwed. Summer School probably.

I'm disappointed. But I think the worst thing right now is that I don't like him. I'm having a hard time looking at him and feeling proud. I'm feeling guilty for feeling this way. I love the kid, and he IS a good kid (no drugs, or trouble...and this I know for sure). His teachers love him despite his grades. His biology teacher told him that he's the kind of kid that makes teachers want to teach. How do I get through this summer and stop feeling what I feel about my son? I look at other kids, who work hard and WANT to work hard, and it just makes me so sad that my son is SO smart but refuses to use what he has.

Sigh....

I can give you a personal account as one of "those kids". I hated school, it just was not for me. I did not learn that way (by the book), I liked to learn by doing. Anyway, I BARELY graduated high school and my parents felt the same about me as you do your son. I did not go to college because again, I hated school and did not think it was for me. I knew that I would party. So I got a job and worked. I worked some pretty crappy jobs but I think they made me who I am.

It was always harder for me to get jobs because I did not have a degree. But it drove me more and more to get a good job regardless of a degree. I had something to prove. I work in a corporate job that almost all companies require a degree for and I make a darn good living. I started here as a receptionist and worked my way up to the job I currently have. I have worked here for going on 12 years and I could not be more proud of myself for getting where I am without a degree.

So maybe your son is the same kind of person. Maybe it is not that he is an "under-achiever" as you put it, but learns a different way. Maybe he will go on to be great things but school is just not his thing. I understand your frustration, but don't write him off just yet.