Ughh.....my daughter was offensive.....

[mum4jenn]

I hope you don't punish your child. She shouldn't have been humiliated by an "adult" for an offhand comment she meant as a joke.

And of course YOU as an "adult" know all about trying to humiliate someone in regards to their job choice don't you???

 

[Tinkim]

I have to admit I didn't read the whole thread but here's my $.02 FWIW. How many of us have said something along those lines to our kids? Do well in school so you can go to college and not work in a minimum wage job. I don't believe it is an insult to people who do but just a hope for your children that they don't have to. I don't have a college education and I have a decent enough job but probably not as good as if I had gone to college. Was it an insulting comment . . . probably but intentionally rude . . . I doubt it. Most of us think our kids don't listen to us but when they say things like this obviously they are listening. My three kids have all said tacky things in the hopes of being funny at one time or another. I think it could have been used as a learning opportunity instead of a public humiliation. At 12 years old, she is still a child and doesn't know everything (although most of the kids claim they do). Sometimes as adults we are thinking constantly of ways to say things that are PC so as not to offend anyone. Most 12-year-olds would have a difficult time doing this when their mouth works faster than their brains.

 

[Marseeya]

It is never too young for a child to learn kindness and courtesy toward others, and to think before speaking.

Do you think the best way for a child to learn these lessons should be by being unkind and inconsiderate? (not picking on you, just curious... seems a few people here think it was right of the "adult" in the situation)

 

[Hillbeans]

Well said. Yes your daughter was trying to be funny. Yes she offended the other mother. Yes the mother overreacted. But you have decided that your daughter is old enough to go out into the world without you so she needs to know how to function in the outside world. I have an 11 yr old son. If this had happened with him, I would explain why the mother was upset and point out that she did overreact. I would also make it clear that you have to be aware of who can hear your jokes & that others may not find them funny. He would then be writing a note that not only apologizes for offending her but thanks her for letting him spend the day with is friend.

Well said Kermit and Mom2boys. I worked bartending, waitressing, and even (god forbid) a fast food job growing up to learn about responsibility and earning my own money. I even worked at MCDonalds a few months once because money was tight and I wanted to pay my bills without grubbing off my parents (and yes, at the time I was in college). Those months at McD's, I can assure you, were HARD WORK. I know it's an ongoing joke that you get bad service at a drive through restaurant, but people do make mistakes, no reason to be demeaning to someone because they put something wrong in your order.

I think your DD learned a lesson, about life and about speaking to an audience. Hopefully this lesson will stay with her for awhile. At least these people at McD's are working an honest living....a lot more than I can say about some other people I know.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Most comments from kids don't bother me. I usually shrug them off. However, one child I know has a palpable air of "snottiness" about him. He makes people feel badly with some of the things he says. It sometimes makes my skin crawl and I wonder if he or his parents are aware of this "air of superiority" of his. In thinking about this I can't help but wonder if anything like this is at play here?

At any rate, my hope for my children is that they can learn a skill that will earn them a decent paycheck. This may or may not come from college. Tradesmen have skills that are in demand and still do well financially. We have these discussions in an educational way and the fact is that McDonalds has come up as an example of the type of job which is honest but will not likely yield the type of paycheck needed in our world today. DH and I both have college degrees and we would like to see our kids earn degrees also, but if not we can hopefully help them to see they need to learn to do something which will earn them the type of $$ they need to be able to own a home and pay their bills without struggle.

Where to go from here as far as your DD goes? Discussions about how her comments are received by others will go a long way toward helping her develop sensitivity to others. We all need "filters" on things we say sometimes. Now is as good a time as any that she learns that. If she values the friendship with the friend and her family I might suggest she writes a note, not of apology, but one in which she acknowlededges the insensitivity of her comment and how she has learned a lesson from this experience. It's a lesson in humility for her and I would think would serve her well in life and work situations in the future. I'd be less concerned about what the friend's mother thinks than what my DD is learning from the experience.

 

[mbw12]

It is never too young for a child to learn kindness and courtesy toward others, and to think before speaking.

I agree, va32.....but the poster stated that the other woman practically 'attacked" the child about her remark. Do you really think that is how it should have been handled? I think that having a discussion about why the comment was wrong would have been the ADULT thing to do.....not attacking a 12 year old.

 

[AllyandJack]

I went to college and then law school. My DH went to trade school and went into construction.

Guess who makes more money? I'll tell you it's NOT me. I've had colleagues belittle construction workers in front of me. Lawyers can be so arrogant. I had one ask me HOW I could quit and stay home after I had kids. She just couldn't believe that DH, not being a lawyer, could earn enough to allow me to stay home.

Going to college after high school isn't as important as doing SOMETHING after high school. I have a friend from high school making a ton of money and living a great life as a hairdresser. She didn't go to college, she went to a school for hair design.

If I ever have kids, I hope to teach them that an education is very important, but college isn't for everyone and there are many ways to make a great living without college. Maybe my daughter will be a great hairdresser. Maybe my son will be a plumber. But, I would hope they would do SOMETHING to move up in the world.

Here's a little tale from a friend of the family:

He was a doctor. A vascular surgeon. He operated on my dad a few times. He was a high level professor at Harvard Medical School and very respected in his field. When he retired, he opened a small landscaping business. He wanted to stay busy, but do something he loved on his own terms. One day, he's trimming the hedges at a big house. He hears the mother yelling at the son to do his homework. He refuses. She marches him over to the open window where the former doctor is trimming the hedges and says, "See that man? Do you want to end up like him? If you don't do your homework, you're going to end up just like that man." He just chuckled to himself.

I guess it's better that the daughter learn at 12 and not at 22. I wouldn't let another mother's comments teach my child....I would definitely sit her down and talk this one out. I have many, many law school classmates working as substitute teachers because they can't find jobs. An expensive education does not always lead to unlimited job opportunities.

 

[va32h]

Do you think the best way for a child to learn these lessons should be by being unkind and inconsiderate? (not picking on you, just curious... seems a few people here think it was right of the "adult" in the situation)

No, but I wasn't addressing that part of the story. I was talking about all the responses here that said "it's not a big deal, the fast food employee didn't hear her".

It certainly doesn't teach a child much to tell them "It's okay to make fun of people, as long as they can't hear you."

 

[Danvers]

It sounds to me that the other kid's Mom has some hang ups about never going to college.

Your daughter was right on....I once had a college professor tell us that the kids that didn't go to college were saying "Do you want fries with that?".

I know not everyone will end up like that but in todays world you almost HAVE to have a college degree to be successful.

I totally agree with you!

 

[golfgal]

I admit that is the same thing we tell our kids, work hard in school, you don't want to work at McDonalds for the rest of your life. Now, there is a BIG difference between CHOOSING to work at a fast food restaurant and HAVING to work there because you can't do any other job. Not everyone is cut out to go to college, BUT, that doesn't mean you can't work your hardest and do your best at what ever you do.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

 

[LoraJ]

Going to college after high school isn't as important as doing SOMETHING after high school.

I totally agree with this. School isn't for everyone. I went to college for two years. I had taken all of the required courses for my major and had a year or so of classes that I had no interest in at the time. I got impatient and left and went to trade school for the career I wanted. The trade school had a better job placement program than my college did. They placed me in the industry I desired. I decided then that if things didn't work out in a year, I would return home and go back to school.

But things did work out. Most of my friends who continued at school do not have the careers they wanted. So they are miserable with these jobs they have.

I know someone who has a law degree and passed the bar but works at Blockbuster.

I am happy where I am and doing well. Iam one of the most valued employees in my department and they can't believe that I don't have a degree. I have learned so much more in life than I could have ever learned at school. There are some big dunces in my department and they have degrees.

It does bug me when people try and hold a degree over someone's head. Because I believe life experience is more valuable than a piece of paper.

 

[Marseeya]

No, but I wasn't addressing that part of the story. I was talking about all the responses here that said "it's not a big deal, the fast food employee didn't hear her".

It certainly doesn't teach a child much to tell them "It's okay to make fun of people, as long as they can't hear you."

Okay, I see where you're coming from. I totally agree!

I'm just having a hard time getting past the fact of an adult laying into a kid like that! I've heard quite a few offensive things from kids that age and I can't imagine responding that way. Not that I've let the remarks go without comment, but not being nasty about it.

 

[Marseeya]

Just wanted to say this, too.

I got my bachelors degree in English when I was 35 and everyone was always fond of saying of the English majors "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[chrisney]

You know, I can see both sides of this one. Perhaps the mom jumped too hard or too quickly at another persons child. And it's true that we all want more for our children than this type of job...however....
I probably would have reacted too. One of my goals in raising my children was that they NOT feel superior to other people. This young lady's comment would certainly imply a sense of superiority even if it was veiled behind a "joking" comment. At 12, I can imagine that could set some adults off. You know, a lack of respect for other people, a lack of understanding that all work is necessary. In trying to establish a strong self image, I fear that our society sets kids up with unrealistic pictures of what constitutes work that the kids think is worthy. We praise them, and tell them how special and how smart they are...that they can do and be anything they desire....frankly, folks, it's not true for lots of kids. If we've set them up to believe that more mundane tasks and jobs are beneath them, we've also sent the message that those people are beneath them...somehow not as special or as smart...
What we heard about it an example of this. And yes, I too find it offensive. I believe we need to respect all people, and have the right to be respected for what we are. And yes, I am college educated. My children are now both in their 20's and have for the most part a sense of values which makes me proud.

 

[cjb71870]

Oh, so you have to go to college to be successful and to count as a human being! Because, from what most of you say, college is the answer to your success!!! And, working at McD's is just low!

 

[Ever_After]

I have 2 college degrees and my DH (none) still makes more money then me. I think you are a very caring mom to be concerned about your DD's remark. But I also think the mother shouldn't have gotten so verbally upset at her. jmo

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

I think a college degree makes it easier for those who want a "white-collar" job. But, it is not the only path to success.

I have about three years of college under my belt. But, I got sidetracked and never finished. However, with drive, determination and some innate smarts, I am very successful. I have a job, without a degree, where the people around me have Masters. My admin assistant is my age and has her masters. I don't know why things happen the way they do, I just know the path I chose, so far, has been the right one for me. That being said, in looking for a new job now, I am having a hard time finding a job, so am looking to complete that last year, so it will be easier.

Anyway, I would not have been offended by the OP's dd. She's 12, and it was funny. The other mother was out of line.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I see we're opposites. I'm always wary of the loose kids with the loose parents.

I agree, excellent point!

 

[LoveWDW]

I like the idea of her calling or talking to the mother and politely apologizing for causing offense. Since this is not the first time she has said something causing offense lately, it could be a good time to urge her to think through what she wants to say each time she speaks. Each time. She should think through what she wants to say and evaluate it. She may need to be reminded to think first, speak second. Sure, she won't be able to zip out quips fast, and the conversation may move on before she gets her words in, but it will be great practice for her for her whole life.

I have a Master's, but I teach exercise, so what good is my degree doing me. I am certainly not nearly as successful as the people who have posted above in this thread. Not that people who teach exercise can't be successful, and I love my job because of the people I teach. I could not live on what I make, though. This is what I meant by not being as successful.