Ughh.....my daughter was offensive.....

[Miranda Danda]

I hope you don't punish your child. She shouldn't have been humiliated by an "adult" for an offhand comment she meant as a joke.

I agree. I think it was funny. Its not like she meant it in a rude way. She was just trying to make a joke. I would have laughed. She is only 12.

 

[cjb71870]

I don't mean to dissappoint you, but not all 12 year olds are like the 12 year olds you are teaching! And, most everyone thinks it was O.K. for a 12 year old to make that remark and not discuss it or think it was O.K. because she was in a car and no employee heard it. You think that was no big deal! That's an acceptable comment? They got the order wrong, meaning they're stupid with no college education!!! I'm pretty positive that alot of our college grads make mistakes too! Watch the news!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I've only read the first page of comments, but need to say that the person that should be doing the apologizing is that mother! The most that she should have said to your DD was that she didn't finish college and is doing ok AND that all people, no matter what job they have, should be respected. Nobody is better than anyone else. It should have been said in a loving, educational way.

My kids have said similar things before and I've never come down on them even though I didn't finish college. Instead I tell them that it is important to finish school and that I hope they don't get sidetracked like I did. And I'm a SAHM in a nice home, so you can't say that I'm exactly doing poorly. I don't get offended with that comment and would never be furious at a child for making it. Honestly, if my kids (or another kid) said that I would feel a twinge of hurt, mainly because I'm not happy with myself for not finishing. If it hit a nerve with me because of my decisions I would not take it out on someone else.


T&B

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I'm sorry. I think what your daughter said was rude and tacky and I'm glad the woman took your daughter down a peg. I can guarantee you, when I was 12, I would have gotten in trouble for saying something like that. I knew better. Just because the employee didn't hear it it was ok? Please!! She offended someone, just not an employee. I don't think mother overreacted.

I know MANY college grads who can't tell their rear from a hole in the ground. They are educated but downright stupid. Going to college doesn't always make you "smart." Furthermore, that person at the restaurant may have been working his/her way through college. People make mistakes. It happens. I worked a drive-thru in high school. It taught me I wanted more out of life. But it gave me a respect for others I didn't have before.

You need to sit down with your daughter and talk to her about this. She needs to learn (YES, at the age of 12) she needs to be more considerate of others feelings. Furthermore, I don't want to hear crap about "she's only 12." She is old enough to know manners and respect. Ok, she screwed up, can't take it back now. But if people let kids get away with everything, excusing it with, "they are only 12, they are just kids, she is just a child, this is normal, etc." then I'm sorry. I feel sorry they are being raised that way.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

12 yrs. old these days is not a child.

I have to disagree--I have a son turning 12yo in a few weeks and he is a child. No 2 ways about it. He's starting to understand things on a different level, but he does not have the reasoning abilities of an adult, even though he's a rather mature almost 12yo. I'd have to say the same thing about my almost 15yo (well, not the mature part LOL).

T&B

 

[Yardbird]

She's 12 for heaven's sake. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, but for the woman to lay into her, was wrong also. I too think the woman who was offended, must have issues about not going to college. Your daughter is too young to realize that while a college degree is a good thing, it doesn't necessarily guarantee anything.

 

[Kermit]

I think your DD learned a good life lesson. When you tell a joke that could be offensive to anybody, you make sure you know the people listening well enough to know if it will be appreciated. Or, better yet, don't tell it.

I would probably suggest that she write a letter of apology. Then I wouldn't worry about it. She'll probably end up offending people much less than most of us when she's older because this incident made an impression on her.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Can't believe it's okay with most. I always tell DS he's going to college right after high school...in the summer! Keep telling him I don't want him to struggle like I do. Not a joking thing at all.

My son is 12. He knows better than to say something like that to anyone! If he did, he'd sternly be corrected the first time, and if I ever heard it again or had a comment from someone else, he'd be grounded.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

While what she said was not nice, I wouldn't classify it as "offensive"...geesh...The mom needs to lighten up "Francis". She is 12, not an adult. It seems she lost sight of that.

My dd is 14 now. She was one of those kids that said the most inappropriate things at the wrong times. It drove alot of parents away that is for sure. But for my dd it was more of an implusive speaking.

At 14 she thinks before she speaks and I can let her out in public again...

Not the end of the world and if the mom dumps your dd over this it would have been something else she she is of the "hyper-sensitive" type.

 

[gopack]

The mom is obviously defensive that she did not attend college. I have a dd12 also and I stress to her constantly how important going to college will be for her future. I can see my daughter making that remark and I would not have thought a thing of it. She was just joking around. I would be wary of that mother.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I would be wary of that mother.

I see we're opposites. I'm always wary of the loose kids with the loose parents.

 

[Lorikr65]

One thing I learned is that everyone has a job to do and you shouldn't look down at anyone. The guy who empties your trash at work - if he didn't do that your place of employment would smell. If those people didn't work at the fast food place you'd have to cook. Anyone can look down on another's job. You may think you have a respectable job, but there is always someone higher than you who may look down at your job.

That other adult had no right to rip into your daughter. If the first parent took care of the situation and corrected her and explained why then it should have ended. No adult should talk to a 12 year-old like that. I have an 11 year-old and I've always taught her to be kind to others, but I can't say she wouldn't make a comment like that without me there to try and be funny. As long as you were notified and settled it the way you see fit then I'm sure it won't happen again.

 

[HoneyPooh]

With both of my DS's I found the early teen years particularly difficult. Their feet were constantly in their mouths. I knew they were good kids and didn't mean anything by it but that didn't change the fact that they hurt someones feelings. Somethings that can be shrugged off at 9 or 10 need to be addressed by 12 or 13 years old. Whether the person heard the comment or not makes no difference. It was the content of the comment that needs to be handled. EVERYONE makes mistakes not just those without a college diploma, making assumptions about someone is never a good idea and being careful of what jokes you make around people who are not immediate family is a good idea....those might be good conversations to have with your daughter right now. Other than that I wouldn't punish her.

 

[cheyita]

One thing I learned is that everyone has a job to do and you shouldn't look down at anyone. The guy who empties your trash at work - if he didn't do that your place of employment would smell. If those people didn't work at the fast food place you'd have to cook. Anyone can look down on another's job. You may think you have a respectable job, but there is always someone higher than you who may look down at your job.

Several people here have commented that many others who haven't attended college have issues with that and get defensive. Well, maybe they wouldn't if there weren't people constantly belittling what they do contribute to society by saying things like, "Go to college or you'll be flipping burgers your whole life."

I have some college education and no degree. Now that the kids are both in school, I am rectifying this by finishing a degree. I have learned that a college degree with put me in a position to have more doors open to me. However, I have also learned that the degree will earn me more respect. The unfortunate thing is, I feel that I am an intelligent person with or without the degree, and I have been a valuable member of my family and community even without the degree.

In fact, I was discussing with another SAHM the issue of going back to work once kids are in school. She stated that it seems to be more of an issue particularly if you have a degree. I agreed that the degree was quite a financial investment and you would want to make use of it. She went on to state some nonsense about, no, feeling like you need to use your brain. What, I need to have a college degree in order to feel like I need to use my brain?

I guess that's why some people without a college degree feel defensive. And I guess that is part of why I am going to change my own educational status - so that I don't always feel like I need to prove to those around me that I am valuable.

Sorry to get a little off track. I think the mom stating her offense was fine and I think you can let it drop. No further lecture is needed - she is still pretty young and I'm sure the conversation had an impact.

 

[wilderness01]

It is not the norm that the non college educated person is doing financially wonderful. Usually it is the exact opposite. A person without a college degree usually struggles more than the person with the degree. Sorry it is a fact of life. My spouse does not have a college degree and I do. However my spouse does have years and years and years of training in his field. My spouse and I both tell our kids that they are going to college so they don't have to struggle as much monetarily when they are adults. Lets face it, you have a better chance if you are educated. There are definately more opportunites for college educated people. Do SOME noneducated people make a nice living? Yes. But do the majority? No. They struggle. Whether or not they are living nice with a nice income that lurking feeling of "what will I do if I lose my job" will always be in the back of their minds. I have seen it. College educated people have more doors open and more choices available. Most of the people I know that are so defensive are the people who haven't gone to college. It is their issue obviously.

I think your daughter made a mistake that has been addressed. No further apology is needed, by your daughter that is. If the other adult wanted to speak to your daughter about her comment, then fine. But to rip into her? I would have a problem with that. As much as your daughter was not PC, neither was the adult that gave it to her. I would re-evaluate allowing my daughter to be with this woman as she sounds like she has issues. It was yours or your husband's place to teach your daughter a lesson, no one elses.

 

[mom2boys]

I think your DD learned a good life lesson. When you tell a joke that could be offensive to anybody, you make sure you know the people listening well enough to know if it will be appreciated. Or, better yet, don't tell it.

I would probably suggest that she write a letter of apology. Then I wouldn't worry about it. She'll probably end up offending people much less than most of us when she's older because this incident made an impression on her.

Well said. Yes your daughter was trying to be funny. Yes she offended the other mother. Yes the mother overreacted. But you have decided that your daughter is old enough to go out into the world without you so she needs to know how to function in the outside world. I have an 11 yr old son. If this had happened with him, I would explain why the mother was upset and point out that she did overreact. I would also make it clear that you have to be aware of who can hear your jokes & that others may not find them funny. He would then be writing a note that not only apologizes for offending her but thanks her for letting him spend the day with is friend.

 

[Marseeya]

I think any grown woman who thinks she needs to "rip into" a young person (or "take her down a peg" as one poster suggested) has some issues. She could have easily stated in a factual and calm manner that the statement was offensive and gotten her point across without bullying and humiliating a child she doesn't even know. Would she have spoken to a grown adult like that? I'm willing to bet not.

I think there are some posters here who are forgetting how socially awkward it is to be an adolescent. I bet it'll be quite some time before this young lady feels safe enough to speak her mind in front of an adult and I think that's very sad.

To the OP, how's your DD doing after this incident? I hope she doesn't feel too bad about what happened.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I would be most upset if my dd came across as if she was looking down on other people. She might have been trying to be funny - but there is nothing funny about putting people down who are making an honest living.

I think you should have a talk with your daughter not only about inappropriate remarks but also why she thinks its okay to ridicule people. I think you are right to feel embarrassed and hopefully she will have learned a good life lesson.

 

[mbw12]

I think that the woman totally overreacted. You stated that the mother had already pointed out that it was not an appropriate thing to say. There was no reason for the woman to than "rip into" your daughter.....she is the GROWN-UP in the situation, and maybe should have had a 'conversation" about it, rather than an argument with a PRE-TEEN!

Was it offensive to say? maybe. Who on this board hasn't said something or had a belief that wasn't offensive to some one else??? having a discussion about what is proper to say, would have been the correct thing to do.

On another note, it is a good thing to want to strive to have a good job. Instilling that a college education is important in these days is the correct thing. wanting to better yourself is a good thing, looking down on others is the wrong thing. what the woman could have pointed out was that maybe the person working at the fast food place was a working college student...you don't know. She should have said that she was fortunate that she was a success, even without college.....but that doens't necessarily mena that is the "norm." Don't berate your daughter.....this situation is actually a good way for this to open up some discussions between the two of you about misperceptions, politically correct things to say, not looking down on others, having compassion, striving to be your best, and of course, that college IS important to open up a world of options.

 

[va32h]

And the remark was made in the privacy of a car.

This idea - that the insult doesn't matter because the person it was directed to couldn't hear it - bothers me.

Unkind remarks are no less unkind because the the object of the derision is not around to hear it.

It is never too young for a child to learn kindness and courtesy toward others, and to think before speaking.