Ugh!! I hate being a parent! Need opinions!

[Jasminesmommy]

at least your daughter is asking.Even if you say no she may bring him home anyways. Shes 16 I would put her on BC just keep her baby free. If its going to happen its going to happen no teenever ask there parents if they can have sex just be perpared.

 

[Tiggeroo]

No way would I let my dd have her boyfriend over if I'm not home. Although I have allowed it for a couple hours here and there when the house is full of other kids and told her I'd be back in a few minutes. I know my kids are going to do things I don't approve of. But if something happened and I had in any way helped I would feel terrible. Let her have her girlfriends over in the daytime if she's bored. Better yet, have her get a summer job during the daytime hours. Even babysitting. The less free time at this age the better. Of course kids make you feel guilty. That's their job. She probably makes you feel bad for working. But you don't have to give in.

 

[MHopkins2]

Roadblocks only increase one's perseverance to reach the desired goal (assuming it hasn't been reached already) - ref. Dangerous Liaisons. If they aren't having sex now, they won't start just because he comes over during the day. If they are having sex now, what difference would it make if he came over during the day? Have the birth control talk if you haven't already, and let him (or her friends or whoever) come over. The poor girl is probably bored out of her wits, at home alone all day every day.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I've got a 16-son and a 15-daughter - it sure isn't easy.

I agree with the BF -- no boys allowed when no adults are home. It's a very tough call, and no we can't protect them from everything, but I don't believe we should encourage them, either, and that includes the birth control, too. But, that's my own opinion.

I'd also find something to keep her busy during the day -- is there volunteer work she can do, or could the house do with some major spring cleaning? the garden? an extra room?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think I'd concentrate my efforts on decreasing the amount of time she spends in the house alone during the day.

Does she drive yet? Have her get a small part-time job or sign her up for a couple of classes. Bored teenagers = asking for trouble.

 

[Kallison]

No it is not okay for them to be alone. My friend just called and had the exact same situation. She also found a used condom in her DD's bedroom, also 16. Now they are heading off to the ob-gyn for birth control. It's not so much a matter of trust, as he may pressure her to go farther than she is comfortable. I know they can have sex anywhere, anytime......but I think it is just too easy if you are leaving them home all alone. Let her cry, she'll get it when she is a parent.

 

[Patty3]

Unfortunately, I have to say that I agree with MHopkins2. I have raised three children and now they are grown adults. I know that there were times they must have did things I did not approve of, whether it is sex or something else. I will say where there is a will there is a way. I am sure that your DD has other friends whose parents are not home during the day and that they could go there as well. I would tell her that you do not approve of her having sex and also explain to her about aids. Years ago, it was pregnancy that was the big issue, I believe that aids is a bigger issue. Can she find a small part time job that will give her some spending money and also provide her with something constructive to do? You also do not know if even you tell her no BF allowed in the house, would she abide by this rule. I am middle age and I know that I used to sneak my boyfriend into the house. I was a virgin when I got married and just because he comes in does not mean a guarantee that they will have sex. Just my two cents worth.

 

[Robinrs]

They will find a way but that doesn't mean you have to condone it in your home.

My parents NEVER allowed it, my sister still managed to have a child at 14. I followed my parents' rule and respected them for it. Not all kids do.

I also believe in sticking to a rule and not wavering from it. Discipline is tough but in the long run they will respect you for it.

God bless,

and remember, parenting IS tough but so is anything that's worth it.

 

[meandtheguys2]

You know, I think I believe in giving my kids their wings while they are still at home. Haven't hit that yet, but the fact that your daughter isn't being sneaky, but came to you, I think is a really nice sign, that what you have done is working. Good luck!

Michelle

 

[Morganpics]

I second tink29's answer completely.

Is she home alone all day? A few hours? If it's not the complete day, perhaps a few chores would help to pass the time and keep her occupied until someone arrives home.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Originally posted by amid chaos
No...Your BF is right.

 

[jeleebeene]

If you trust your daugher (and only you and BF really know her) I wouldn't see a problem with it, as long as you have already talked to her about sex etc.

Now, how well do you know this boy she is seeing? Do you trust HIM? My father had a trust issue with any boy I saw - whether he was just a friend or a boyfriend. Never trust a one of them - so I could never have boys over - friends or boyfriend. I think if you know the boy well enough, that maybe it would be ok once or twice a week. You might even find it beneficial to talk to his parents and get their take on it - do they know he is coming over to your house to be alone with DD?

Start there, and make a decision that is smart for all of you - that may save alot of whining from DD - if you don't really know him, you can use that to tell her, you don't know him enough to allow him alone with her.

 

[Jeafl]

I have a 15 year old daughter, so I know where you're coming from. On any given day she can't stand me, I'm the meanest mom in the world, etc. just because I don't let her have her own way. I just let it roll off my back becaues I know it's not my job to be her friend. It's easier said than done, but parenting is rarely easy. Your boyfriend has a good point--making a rule then backing down on it is a slippery slope, they may not take you seriously in the future.

I would not let her have a boy in the house when I am not home. I am not naive enough to think that they wouldn't find another place to "do it", but I won't make it easy for them. My parents were strict when I was growing up, and I resented them for it at the time. Now I am grateful for my upbringing. I guarantee she won't hate you forever.

I think there have been some great suggestions here. Encourage her to have a girlfriend or two over to pass the time. Or try babysitting or dog walking to make a little money. Don't let your guilt make you do something you really don't want to do. Good luck!

 

[Keli]

I believe also that your bf is right on this one. Everyone seems to think that if a teenager has a desire to have sex then they'll find a way and that's that. But I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. A lot of teenagers that haven't decided they are ready for sex can get caught up in the moment. If they were denied the obvious opportunities (like being allowed to be alone together in an empty house all day) they may indeed choose to not have sex yet. This seems like common sense to me but then maybe I wasn't your average teen. Who knows?

 

[dizagain]

I'm sticking with your BF. Why fuel the fire? I have two elementary age DD's, and my day is coming, I know... Be a mom, but save being a friend for about 6 more years . I think a job would be great for her if possible - the less "free" time the better. I always liked being busy as a teen anyway - even if it was working at McDonald's (which I loved). Good luck!

 

[sk!mom]

Your BF is right. It wouldn't be about trusting her to me just keeping her away from too much temptation. I, also understand that she is probably bored at home all day.

How about camp for a few weeks to get her out of the house? My DS always spent a couple of weeks away at church related camps and on mission trips. Then he would spend a couple more weeks at band camps. Between those and family trips we kept him busy during the summer.

Another suggestion to fight her boredom would be a summer job. Many kids around here work in the summer to keep busy.

Hang in there! They do grow up.

 

[Ranatra]

Originally posted by got2lovedisney
How have you handled this? Is it OK for them to be home alone?

No Definately not. I don't think it has as much to do with "trusting her" as it does with putting her in a situation she might not be mature enough to handle. Having them alone in a house without any supervision for hours at a time is just too much temptation.
My DD is 20 now and married, but even when she was 18 & 19 I woudn't allow her boyfriend at the house if nobody else was at home. Set the rule and stick to it.

P.S. My best friend's 17 year old DD is pregnant and due this week. Both parents work and aren't at home for them after school.

 

[tjmw2727]

ok - my first instinct was no - and I posted as such and then I continued to read. After thinking about the "yes" responses I still think if it were me the answer would still be no.

I do agree that if these two kids want to have sex they will figure out a way but it will take some thought and planning. This gives either party a chance to think and act or re-consider rather than just acting on an impulse. Thinking back to my teen and 20's the worst decisions I made were based on impulse or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The stakes are higher today and personally I would not take any chances.

TJ

 

[TinknBoys]

No, I don't think that she should be home alone, with boyfriend. She is probably crying, as you said because she is on a roller coaster. First the rule is no, with a united front from both of you, then you give in, then back to no. I would be doing the same thing because I wouldn't understand, and also you have shown her that you would "give in", so why not again. My 9 year old does the same if I am not consistant. Is there anywhere she can volunteer? a YMCA, a church, a pool. Then the temptation will be less than when she is just sitting at home. Good luck!

 

[got2lovedisney]

Thanks for all your replies (and BF thanks all those who supported his side!!)


I as a parent, of course, see the logic in saying No. The side of me that was once a teenager...who did things she shouldn't have (but never at home!) feels like if they want to do something...they will.

Just to clarify...my DD has never been in any trouble...when I've told her he can't come into the house afterschool...I've come home and found them sitting on the sidewalk in the front yard. I do think see does as we say. He appears to also be a good kid who has aspirations of going to college and becoming a Firefighter. If he was a jerk...it would be easier...but they're good kids. My DD has actually said she's not stupid and will not be having sex for a long time. (It's the hormone part that worry's me).
It should be a little easier on her since she's starting Driver's Ed next week so most of her day will be occupied.

Thanks again for all you input!