Twins birthday party, only one is classmate

[shortbun]

I say don't buy a shared gift as few children LOVE to share their toys. Twins especially are expected to share things. I'd buy a gift for the child my child friends but I bet they all play together on the playground and are all 'friends.' I would not scrimp on the toys because I don't think that's fair either. Maybe you could call the mother when you RSVP and ask what most people do about the 'other' twin. This will not be a new question to her, I'm sure.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think we've finally come to a decision that will work fine for us. I would hate for the other little boy to feel slighted if we didn't get him something. I mean, what if more kids come from Twin A's class and only get a gift for him. Then Twin B would probably not feel very good walking away from that party. And at this age (kindergarten), I think those feelings are normal. Both of them have a lifetime to work through these things.

We will be purchasing gift cards in equal amounts for both boys. This way, they can decide for themselves what they want. I know my kids are always thrilled to pieces to get gift cards. They love picking out their own "stuff" and paying for it themselves.

I never realized this could be such a controversial topic. It is something we have never dealt with before since my kids have not known any twins up until this point. I totally understand why the parent sent the invite with both names. I'm sure it was just easier for her since it looks as though she ordered customized invitations. It wasn't as simple as writing the names in to the blank ones you buy from the drugstore. No harm, no foul. I'm just super excited that DS finally wants to do a birthday party. He usually avoids them because he doesn't like the noise and interaction (HF autistic).

From the mother of Irish twins in the same grade, thank you. You ARE awesome!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Honestly, and I don't mean this to sound snitty, I don't think you can understand the twin thing unless you have twins. I didn't know how different it was until I had my twins. My first 3 kids were a total of 33 months apart. In many ways that is harder than twins (I know since I have done it both ways) but it is not the same as having twins. My husband is a triplet...and I still didn't quite get what goes on between twins. The bond, the connection...its indescribable and its one of the most amazing things I have even been lucky enough to experience in raising my children. I will bet that my twins want their parties to be together for a good number of years. Don't they deserve to be able to make that decision too. If they don't, then we will address that and make other arrangements. We are also lucky enough to be able to afford to have 2 parties if that happens (paying for some of the same kids to come twice). Not everyone is that lucky.


When the time comes to have a party though, I will address the envelopes to reflect who is inviting the child. Some addressed from 'twin A.' Some addressed from 'twin B,' and some from both.

Jess

You are right that I do not have twins so I cannot totally know. I know my mother in law always managed separate parties for her twins (since before they can remember). The twins are very close, but also very different individuals. Same with my twin cousins. They had separate parties. My aunt would have one before lunch and one after. The few of us going to both and the twins got taken out to pizza by my uncle while my aunt and whoever she rounded up to help changed the decorations and set up new games, etc. I think whose party was in the morning vs. the afternoon switched pretty much every year. A few times they went places and then that decision was often based on which venue had which hours. I recall one year going roller skating before lunch and to laser tag after.


I did not say it was wrong, or tacky but it is not something i would do. I would have separate parties. Perhaps once or twice when they are older if they both wanted to do the same thing and it was something that works better with lots of people (like a sock hop) I would put them together but overall I think it is better to have the parties apart. It is fine if you feel differntly
Also, while I would always buy gifts for each if each guest were expected to bring a gift for each child--not do a shared gift (because i have this thing about them being individuals), I think the parents who throw only one party but then want two gifts (which is clearly not all on this thread or even close to a majority) are trying to have it both ways. On the one hand their kids are so close and love each other so much they want to do everything together even have their party together, On the other hand their kids are two different kids and each deserves their own gift. It seems contradictory to me.

 

[3smithboys]

I have 8 year old identical twin boys and just had their birthday party over the weekend. They are best friends and do everything together - right now they would not want to have different parties. In the past, I have done different invitations one set going to classmates to Twin A, one set going to classmates to Twin B, and then one set for boys who were friends of both of them but in different classes and they wanted to invite them too....so both of their names would go on those invitations....Some of the boys in their classes are friends with both boys and that's where it starts to get confusing....

This year we decided to send out Evites for the first time and I didn't know what to do... It was too hard to send out 3 sets of Evites, so I just sent it out from both boys - at this point, most everyone knows that they are twins, whether or not I put the other name on the invite they are going to know the other boy is there- bring one gift or two, I don't care...do whatever YOU want to do!!! My boys were just happy that their friends came to celebrate with them!!! After the party, when we opened up the gifts, they did not keep score at all - there was no counting up who gave what - and we found that most came with 2 gifts, but not everyone....and that is just fine with us.

 

[5lilfish]

You are right that I do not have twins so I cannot totally know. I know my mother in law always managed separate parties for her twins (since before they can remember). The twins are very close, but also very different individuals. Same with my twin cousins. They had separate parties. My aunt would have one before lunch and one after. The few of us going to both and the twins got taken out to pizza by my uncle while my aunt and whoever she rounded up to help changed the decorations and set up new games, etc. I think whose party was in the morning vs. the afternoon switched pretty much every year. A few times they went places and then that decision was often based on which venue had which hours. I recall one year going roller skating before lunch and to laser tag after.
I did not say it was wrong, or tacky but it is not something i would do. I would have separate parties. Perhaps once or twice when they are older if they both wanted to do the same thing and it was something that works better with lots of people (like a sock hop) I would put them together but overall I think it is better to have the parties apart. It is fine if you feel differntly

Here is one problem I can see from trying to do this...aside from being exhausting:

Ok, Taylor and Bailey are told they can each invite 10 people to their party. Taylor is really good friends with Jane. Jane knows Bailey, and they are friendly, but not great friends. Taylor, of course, picks Jane as one of her 10 friends. Bailey, however, has 10 friends that she is closer with, so she doesn't pick Jane. Jane is going to know about both parties. Obviously, its a fact of life that you will not be invited to every party, but I am not going to be the person that crushes a 7 yr old...and I don't want to cause bad feeling between Bailey and Jane because Taylor and Jane are very good friends.


There are bound to be quite a few kids that are like Jane...good friends with one of the twins and sort of friends with the other. If I invite all of these kids to both parties, then why am I having 2 seperate parties?...especially if the twins are fine with having a joint party.

Jess

 

[NHdisneylover]

Here is one problem I can see from trying to do this...aside from being exhausting:

Ok, Taylor and Bailey are told they can each invite 10 people to their party. Taylor is really good friends with Jane. Jane knows Bailey, and they are friendly, but not great friends. Taylor, of course, picks Jane as one of her 10 friends. Bailey, however, has 10 friends that she is closer with, so she doesn't pick Jane. Jane is going to know about both parties. Obviously, its a fact of life that you will not be invited to every party, but I am not going to be the person that crushes a 7 yr old...and I don't want to cause bad feeling between Bailey and Jane because Taylor and Jane are very good friends.


There are bound to be quite a few kids that are like Jane...good friends with one of the twins and sort of friends with the other. If I invite all of these kids to both parties, then why am I having 2 seperate parties?...especially if the twins are fine with having a joint party.

Jess

if the party cannot accommodate all friends I think there is no reason to feel badly about that. It is not okay to invite, say, all but one child in a group--but if things are fairly random (10 kids out of thirty from the class, or five from class, two from the neighborhood and 2 from church or what have you. I have yet to meet a kid who will be crushed if the party host explains that his/her mom made them choose only X number of people so they went with the ones they thought would get along best, or that did not come last year, etc. It would not occir to me to think that a child will be crushed f they are invited to one party but not both. What about the child that does not get invited at all but still hears about the shared party at school the next day and is also kind of friends with both kids Unless you invite all the kids in whatever group any come from you run the risk of one or more feeling left out and not as wanted.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You are right that I do not have twins so I cannot totally know. I know my mother in law always managed separate parties for her twins (since before they can remember). The twins are very close, but also very different individuals. Same with my twin cousins. They had separate parties. My aunt would have one before lunch and one after. The few of us going to both and the twins got taken out to pizza by my uncle while my aunt and whoever she rounded up to help changed the decorations and set up new games, etc. I think whose party was in the morning vs. the afternoon switched pretty much every year. A few times they went places and then that decision was often based on which venue had which hours. I recall one year going roller skating before lunch and to laser tag after.


I did not say it was wrong, or tacky but it is not something i would do. I would have separate parties. Perhaps once or twice when they are older if they both wanted to do the same thing and it was something that works better with lots of people (like a sock hop) I would put them together but overall I think it is better to have the parties apart.

That is interesting. We know a ton of twins (I believe MA has the highest rate of twins in the US) and I haven't even once ever seen separate parties given. I just asked my kids and they haven't either.

Just for fun, I did a little research on websites dedicated to multiples (which weren't around when I was a new mom to twins, but magazines were, and I read everything I could to try to figure it all out myself). These are often the resources that new parents of multiples use to "learn the ropes". Re birthdays, today they recommend "offering" separate birthdays, but most twins *want* to celebrate together with their twin (their words, not mine; obviously there will be exceptions). They also further offer advice on the etiquette of gift giving and wording of invitations, etc, but say it's often confusing no matter what. (Disers will be happy to know that many of the comments I read echoed the comments here in this very thread with a variety of opinions expressed. Someone even used the word tacky. )

So basically, there's no right, and there's no wrong. It's what works for each set of multiples and each family. Thankfully we have a good family friend who grew up as an identical twin and offered us sage advice, that whatever we decided was the right decision. She and her twin stayed in school together all through school, went to college together, and then went into business together: essentially together their whole lives (and each went on to have marry and have children, etc). One of them, unfortunately, passed away, and, shocking, I know, but the other one didn't fall apart. In fact, she's thriving. "Experts" may well have advised against as much togetherness as these two had. But clearly, for them, it was a good thing.

Am I an I or a We?

How parents help twins and triplets develop their own identities must be done on a child-by-child basis. No one answer is right for all twins. I have many stories from twins I've worked with in psychotherapy who describe severe trauma from being separated. I also have many stories of twins suffering trauma from not being separated. Parents must evaluate the individual situations. Regarding wearing the same clothes, sharing birthday parties, having play dates together and so on, look at the twins as individuals and explore, with their help, what is in each one's best interest. While we don't necessarily accept their judgment as final, considering their wishes certainly increases the possibility of making healthy decisions for twin children.

Most of the twins I have worked with express the feeling of being a twin as a blessing, regardless of the complications involved. They point out that they have a head start on human relationships. In helping twins become healthy individuals, secure in their own identities and able to form satisfying and fulfilling relationships with others, we teach them to balance unity and separation. Ultimately, they can enjoy being close with another person in a way that is never experienced by a non-twin, and satisfies an intense longing in the human condition. Lynn Perlman, Ph.D., has a private practice in psychology and psychoanalysis in Newton, Mass. Her identical twin also is a psychologist and psychoanalyst.

 

[Pinkpony]

I think we've finally come to a decision that will work fine for us. I would hate for the other little boy to feel slighted if we didn't get him something. I mean, what if more kids come from Twin A's class and only get a gift for him. Then Twin B would probably not feel very good walking away from that party. And at this age (kindergarten), I think those feelings are normal. Both of them have a lifetime to work through these things.

We will be purchasing gift cards in equal amounts for both boys. This way, they can decide for themselves what they want. I know my kids are always thrilled to pieces to get gift cards. They love picking out their own "stuff" and paying for it themselves.

I never realized this could be such a controversial topic. It is something we have never dealt with before since my kids have not known any twins up until this point. I totally understand why the parent sent the invite with both names. I'm sure it was just easier for her since it looks as though she ordered customized invitations. It wasn't as simple as writing the names in to the blank ones you buy from the drugstore. No harm, no foul. I'm just super excited that DS finally wants to do a birthday party. He usually avoids them because he doesn't like the noise and interaction (HF autistic).

As a mom to identical twin boys, I think you're handling this with lots of class.

Mine are 18 now and I can tell you we NEVER had separate parties for them. Separate cakes, separate presents, separate friends, yes. Separate parties, no. Poor little guys. I've always wondered why they hate me so much.

 

[MELSMICE]

Poor little guys. I've always wondered why they hate me so much.

 

[mickeyboat]

You are right that I do not have twins so I cannot totally know. I know my mother in law always managed separate parties for her twins (since before they can remember). The twins are very close, but also very different individuals. Same with my twin cousins. They had separate parties. My aunt would have one before lunch and one after. The few of us going to both and the twins got taken out to pizza by my uncle while my aunt and whoever she rounded up to help changed the decorations and set up new games, etc. I think whose party was in the morning vs. the afternoon switched pretty much every year. A few times they went places and then that decision was often based on which venue had which hours. I recall one year going roller skating before lunch and to laser tag after.


I did not say it was wrong, or tacky but it is not something i would do. I would have separate parties. Perhaps once or twice when they are older if they both wanted to do the same thing and it was something that works better with lots of people (like a sock hop) I would put them together but overall I think it is better to have the parties apart. It is fine if you feel differntly
Also, while I would always buy gifts for each if each guest were expected to bring a gift for each child--not do a shared gift (because i have this thing about them being individuals), I think the parents who throw only one party but then want two gifts (which is clearly not all on this thread or even close to a majority) are trying to have it both ways. On the one hand their kids are so close and love each other so much they want to do everything together even have their party together, On the other hand their kids are two different kids and each deserves their own gift. It seems contradictory to me.

We have always had one party for both girls. They have all the same friends, so it would be rather silly to have two parties. Each girl has a special family party on their actual birthday (they are less than a week apart), and if they have a friend party, it would be a together one.

 

[turkeymama]

Small update:

When I RSVPd, I mentioned to the mother that I didn't realize DS's classmate was a twin. She said, no they aren't twins, but have birthdays close together and wanted to do a party together at the same locale. Cool. Before I could tell her what I was planning on bringing for gifts, she stressed that she did not expect or want me to bring a gift for the younger sibling as she felt confident he would be getting plenty from his own friends. Not only that, she emphasized that no gift was necessary for DS's classmate either. Of course, we will be bringing him a gift anyway as it is customary and I know other people will be doing the same.

My next challenge is to see whether or not DS goes through with attending the party and doesn't have a meltdown due to the noise and chaos that comes with birthday parties.

 

[mtemm]

that's great, turkeymama! as a mom of twins who is active in a community for twin moms, that is pretty much how we are about parties. yes, we usually host one party for both but prefer gifts only for the twin whose friend the guest is invited for, much like your son's friend's mom is saying here.

hope your son goes and has a wonderful time! my eldest had a hard time at some birthday parties when he was younger and I know how hard that can be.

 

[mjkacmom]

Okay, it's weird that she put both names on the invitation, if they're not twins. If they were twins, your ds could've potentially been friends with the kid in the other class - I know my kids have friends outside their class, hang out on the playground, etc. But a sibling a different age? I'm sure you are not the only parent confused.