Trusting someone is getting very difficult

[Magic Mom]

I mean I just don't trust her at all now and I don't know what to do.

I'm not sure I understand that you don't know what to do. You're not dating her, and she isn't living at your house. There is nothing for you to do, unless you mean running to your brother and worrying him even though there isn't any proof of her doing anything but drinking with her friends. If it were me that's not a path I would choose. He is in a war zone, and if it were my brother, I would want his full concentration on his mission and not worrying about fights between his sister and his girlfriend.
She may be a giant piece of garbage, but she's his giant piece of garbage, and until you have proof of her hurting him, you should stay out of it for his sake.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I don't want to tell my brother any of this going on because this is not something he needs to be worrying about. He does have a much great mission to be concerned about. He wants to marry this girl and she has already asked me to be her maid of honor and like I had said we get along great its just over the past month when she started hanging out with this other girl and I hung out as well I knew it would not be good for her.

Now she is an adult but she is under a great deal of stress as we all are especially now that this is the first holidays we are not spending with my brother. So I feel that is the reason why she is acting out, when we had went to family day they all said this is what could happen try to do other things to prevent self medicating.

It's not easy I know that, but we are all trying to get through this time strong and positive for my brother. That is all that I care about that he comes home safe and sound and soon.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

After the other night we did have a good heart to heart and we cried and talked and talked and got everything out on the table. So when last night I felt that whole converstaion went out the window made me question if I can really trust her again.

OK, I get it.

Here is the advice...you sit back and MYOB.

This is the right thing to do on many levels.

The most important being that you see this girl for who she really is. Allow her to be herself. She may change her mind. It is not your job to reign her in to make sure she stays for your brother.

Stop having conversations of trust with her. You have spoken to her and now you watch.

It will be hard but stirring the pot is not the thing to do either.

 

[Tiggeroo]

you were responsible, saved your money and worked hard. Your parents are struggling financially. So you help out but your brothers gf lives there rent free with a good job. Something sounds wrong here. Unfortunately you are an adult, your parents house, their rules. I wouldn't be ok with this and would move. I also don't think you should pry too closely into her life. Yes, you do sound younger then your years.

 

[Squishypig]

you were responsible, saved your money and worked hard. Your parents are struggling financially. So you help out but your brothers gf lives there rent free with a good job. Something sounds wrong here. Unfortunately you are an adult, your parents house, their rules. I wouldn't be ok with this and would move. I also don't think you should pry too closely into her life. Yes, you do sound younger then your years.

I honestly don't understand why you are calling out the OP about her "immaturity"? Sounds like her moving in with her parents was good for everyone in her family and the girlfriend doesn't have the level of dedication to the family that the OP does. Yes the GF should be paying rent or something but if it wasn't discussed when she moved in, well then, there's a bit of a sticky situation.

I'd MYOB with regards to the accusations of cheating and not mention anything to your brother. However, she seems to not be handling herself very well and even if she is not cheating, her drinking is putting herself in situations where she is extremely vulnerable. Could you do more with her? Introduce her to your group of friends? Go out to the movies and dinner with her? Volunteer? Work on a project? Start a hobby with her? This might give her an alternate outlet to going out and getting drunk. And it might make her feel more like part of the family which may lead her to help out more with the family finances.

 

[Longsx3]

My brother who is in Iraq has no idea what has been going on and I think he needs to know. Unfortunately he had said this would happen because it happens to most who go away to war. Their wives and/or girlfriends cheat.

Honestly I am really offended by the above statement, my husband was deployed for 7 months, we have lived 10,000 miles apart for the last 9 months and in April he will be deployed for a year. So we won't reside in the same house again until May 2010 and I assure cheating has never crossed my mind.

As for what to do, let your parents handle it ...it is their house.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Thank you Squishy,

I also don't understand why everyone is harping on my age. I know many many people that are my age and older that are back living with their parents for health reasons or b/c the cost of living was too much OR they were helping their parents financially as I chose to do. My stepfather lost his job and it was very diffcult for everyone.

I made the choice to step in and help. I didn't expect to be laid off either among other things that have went awry.

However, that was my choice and I don't regret it. I mean isn't that what family is supposed to do?

As for the GF, I am trying to mind my business and yes we do cook dinner together usually during the week and sometimes we do go out not recently b/c of my layoff but she has treated me from time to time which is again is very nice.

The drinking is my biggest concern and I know that no one wants to hear they have a problem. I also wanted to diffuse the situation before my parents found out because that would create bigger problems and I also don't want to upset my brother either.

So from what most have said I will mind my own business but will have a talk with her in regards to her drinking and see what happens.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Honestly I am really offended by the above statement, my husband was deployed for 7 months, we have lived 10,000 miles apart for the last 9 months and in April he will be deployed for a year. So we won't reside in the same house again until May 2010 and I assure cheating has never crossed my mind.

As for what to do, let your parents handle it ...it is their house.

I was not clear in regards to that statement. When my brother went for his additional training, many of them told him to break it off with her because she will cheat and not be faithful. She kept saying she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him and have children etc. etc. This was something the other Marines had put in his head...not all of them but I know it was a concern that he had.

I am not saying that everyone does this...but it does happen let's be realistic about it.

I didn't mean to offend anyone but this was what the other Marines who were married or divorced or what have you, told HIM.

 

[Magic Mom]

Honestly I am really offended by the above statement, my husband was deployed for 7 months, we have lived 10,000 miles apart for the last 9 months and in April he will be deployed for a year. So we won't reside in the same house again until May 2010 and I assure cheating has never crossed my mind.

Very soon, I will be in the same boat as you are again. Its not easy is it? And the ugly "cheating wives" stereotypes don't help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So from what most have said I will mind my own business but will have a talk with her in regards to her drinking and see what happens.

Have a talk as a friend and then see what she does. You can't make her stop partying because that probably will change your relationship.
And then when your brother gets back it might be tense.

If your brother's GF wants to break it off she will come to that decision on her own and she will tell him or vice versa.

 

[Longsx3]

Very soon, I will be in the same boat as you are again. Its not easy is it? And the ugly "cheating wives" stereotypes don't help.

Thank you for the support, my Dh just left today to return to Japan and it is definitely not easy. I am not usually one to complain, the AF has been good to us and deployments are part of the job but I hate the stereotyping. After 15yrs I know of no one that has gotten divorced because of issues during a deployment, we know 2 couples that have gotten divorced and if they were civilian they would have been divorced and all of the guys that came in when DH did that were married...they are still married.

OP, I would say that if your DB's girlfriend is cheating that she would have cheated at some point in the relationship regardless of whether he was deployed. Deployment does not equal cheating.