Trad Wife vs Stay-At-Home-Mother/Wife

[ronandannette]

In your opinion, what's the difference? This term seems to have really emerged lately and I just listened to a podcast interviewing a self-identified Trad wife on-line influencer. Other than the label, it doesn't sound much different than my life during our DS's early years, when I was at home. I loved that season and only went back to work due to financial necessity. Attitudinally, it's not, at least superficially, very different for me now, even though I'm extremely well-accomplished professionally and earn most of our family income.

There are several DIS'ers here that have mentioned being SAH either by need or choice, who maybe do or don't consider themselves Trad, although they are likely functionally doing many of the "things". So what is the difference? What's the essential defining characteristics?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Because tradwife is a philosophy based on what you believe as your role as a woman and as a wife should be in which case it's a huge step back in terms of what we consider norms by modern way of thinking about women's rights.

I've never heard of anyone considering tradwife to be the same as a housewife. They are distinctly different mindsets AND treatments both from the woman towards herself and her husband's treatment towards her.

 

[bluezy]

When I hear Trad Wife, I think of my grandmothers and mother-in-law. They literally stayed home to take care of the kids/grandkids, cooked, baked, cleaned, did laundry, and went to the grocery store. They also were completely ruled by their husbands. The husbands made all the decisions for the family and the wives just did whatever the husband said whether she agreed with it or not. I can even remember my MIL telling me that her husband always told her how to vote in elections because he didn't want her vote "cancelling out" his vote -- she needed to reinforce *his* vote. That's not me.

I left my career 27 years ago to stay home when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Financially, it didn't make sense for both my husband and I to work because it would have cost nearly the equivalent of my salary to pay for daycare or a nanny. DH earned more than me and had more opportunities for promotions/advancement, so we decided I would stay home. My plan was to stay home about 5 or 6 years -- until the youngest was in school all day. My husband said he didn't care whether I went back to work or not at that point. We ended up having 2 more children. The youngest is currently finishing up their sophomore year of college and I'm still at home. At this point, it still doesn't make much sense for me to return to the workforce. We don't need the money and I would possibly be taking a job away from someone who *does* need the money. My husband has 7 weeks of vacation and we enjoy being spontaneous and taking random days off -- he'll wake up one morning, look at his schedule and say, "Hey, I don't need to be in any meetings today. I can take the day off and we can go to (fill in the blank)". Since I'm not working outside the home, I don't have to worry about checking to see if I can take a vacation day. I volunteer several hours a week in an administrative capacity at a local non-profit as well as in our church office. I work out with a personal trainer 3 times a week. I rarely cook meals as we go out to eat several times on the weekend and usually have enough leftovers to cover a few more meals during the week. I handle all the finances. When I need a new car, I go buy it myself. When we needed new furniture, I bought it myself. When we built our house, I was the one who researched the contractors and came to the job site to check on things every day during construction. I oversee home improvement and repair projects at our house. I'm definitely not a Trad Wife and I'm 100% sure my husband would say the same thing.

 

[Kitty 34]

I guess I'm out of the loop but what's a Trad Wife?

 

[mjkacmom]

On the surface it might appear that I’m a tradwife. I haven’t worked in 30 years, raised 5 kids, I do the laundry, cleaning, cooking (but H does cook too), shopping, all appointments, gifts (H hasn’t bought a Christmas gift or birthday gift in decades, including his parents). I buy all of his clothes. I pay the bills.

I also have more say on important decisions, always had more say regarding issues with the kids, this is my household, I’m pretty much in charge but with a lot of input by H. He is a CFP, so he’s in charge of estate planning, retirement, kids’ 529’s, etc. He does try to get me involved, but I have enough on my plate. If H wanted to get into our checking account, I’d have to give him my user name and password.

 

[ronandannette]

I guess I'm out of the loop but what's a Trad Wife?

That question is kind of the whole point of the thread. What you and I would have just called a stay at home mom, or maybe even a housewife, now has this connotation - but only sometimes. I'm unclear on just what makes the difference and who gets to decide. Looking for discussion on it here.

 

[lilmc]

I consider a stay at home wife one who stays home and raises the kids, but still has a voice. My impression is that a trad wife is subservient. No voice. <<shudders>>

 

[ronandannette]

I consider a stay at home wife one who stays home and raises the kids, but still has a voice. My impression is that a trad wife is subservient. No voice. <<shudders>>

Here's where it gets dicey, I guess. I completely consider my husband to be the head of our family and always have. He recognizes that responsibility too. But never in our 30 years have I ever "not had a voice". Do you think this "no voice" thing is defined by the husband or the wife herself? Or others on the outside of the relationship looking in?

 

[PollyannaMom]

That question is kind of the whole point of the thread. What you and I would have just called a stay at home mom, or maybe even a housewife, now has this connotation - but only sometimes. I'm unclear on just what makes the difference and who gets to decide. Looking for discussion on it here.

I think the main difference is choice. - I worked before DS was born, chose to stay home when he was little, and chose to work part time when he was in school. I never had that role forced on me, was never denied education in anticipation of that role, etc.

DH and I have a partnership in running our household - and who does what has changed with the seasons of our life. Right now, I handle most of the "traditional" chores, but I definitely don't consider myself a "trad wife."

 

[_19disnA]

Is the term 'trad' wife another of those cutesy abbreviations of 'traditional' wife? Anything talked about by those so-called online influencers is usually something I ignore and don't give much thought to. Many 'influencers' are focused around saying things to increase their marketability/following. They are still paid advertisers to me even if they use the more trendy term of 'influencers'.................LOL.

If someone chooses to stay home and raise their family who cares about labels?

 

[tvguy]

In the "Leave it to Beaver" world, a traditional wife is a stay at home wife/mom. In the real world, at least MY real world, that was not the norm. Most wives/moms in my world worked. I'm almost 68 and my mom and my friends moms for the most part worked. Okay, my mom took 5 years off when I was born, until I started Kindergarten. That was kind of the most "traditional wife/mom for me growing up. Someone who worked full time most of the time, but may take a break from work as the family situation dictated.
Today? There are even fewer "norms". People structure their roles based on the needs of their individual families.
Stay at home dads, single parents, families that only live together under the same roof on weekends seem more common in my world now that the Leave It to Beaver model of wife and mom.

 

[BrianL]

Most people here get it - it's a difference of mindset. It's one thing if a wife chooses to stay at home and take care of the kids and housework, etc. but "Trad Wife" is when that is considered how it is supposed to be - the man works and is the boss, the woman cannot and is deferent to the man. That mentality hinges on the idea that it is the natural, "correct" state and other arrangements just are not. That belief can be pretty extreme with some.

 

[goofyernmost]

When comparing Traditional Wife and stay at home, todays differs only in the idea that the Traditional Wife from my childhood stayed at home and raised me and my sister, but did jump into the job fray in the time of necessity or out of boredom after we left home. Most of my childhood my dad was the bread winner and my mother was the bread maker, so to speak. I never remember a time when my mother was not part of the decision making except when it came to trading cars. My father seemed to like getting a new car more that it bothered him that he was getting the silent treatment. Other than that it was pretty equal in the decision making.

But todays society is a far cry from where it was 70 or so years ago.. I have one daughter that has pretty much stayed at home their entire married life or until their first child was born. She stayed home, but other than chasing after the two little one it was hard to see what she was contributing, but at the time she did have the say in every decision and he was yes ma'aming his way constantly. She decided that the kids were going to be home schooled and as far as any of us can tell she did a good job. Both kids at this point are either in college (last year) or graduated. She took it another turn and just as soon as the two were big enough to help out she up and got pregnant again after a 10 year break, so now she is still home schooling the last one that is 13 now. All of them including the 25 year old is still living at home. Somewhere during those last 13 years they had a massive blow up and it looked bad for a while, but they finally came to an agreement and it looks like they are sticking with it. She continues to manage the money, but he now has a major say in what they spend it on, so that is the definition of todays stay at home mom. It is only possible if dad can make enough money to support all of them so that she doesn't have a time when she needs to pitch in.

Pitching was prime during my marriage (although it only lasted 29 years). Living in Vermont where wages were low and expenses were high, she was called upon many times to financially help out.

My other daughter has worked her entire married life (25 years) and her husband who is 16 years older than she is, is now retired and working part time. She has more than enough income to support both of them, but she is also the one that calls the shots even though she does ask what he thinks. She brings home the bacon and controls mostly where it goes out. She had a son that has now graduated and working a good job just a few miles away. And they are starting to reap the bounty of all that work and effort. Of course, they had to go a long time using daycare for while she worked, but they have remained very close to their son and they all seem pretty happy. So that is just another example of what would have been a Traditional Wife, (the first one, modified with a combination Trad and Modern Stay at home Mom) and a completely different set up than either the Trad wife or the Stay at home mom.

There is more than one way to live a life. It is time that we stop judging how people live that life and just do what is best for ourselves. If I have learned nothing in my 77 years it is that kids, as long as they are not physically or emotionally abused, are very resilient and can turn out to be great people no matter what their youth was like or what era they arrived in.

That said, I would not want to be raising any children right now. There is a major blurring between right and wrong and I feel that in a few years it will be time to pay the piper for that situation.

 

[lilmc]

Here's where it gets dicey, I guess. I completely consider my husband to be the head of our family and always have. He recognizes that responsibility too. But never in our 30 years have I ever "not had a voice". Do you think this "no voice" thing is defined by the husband or the wife herself? Or others on the outside of the relationship looking in?

I believe the danger is when roles are assigned by gender and one is supposed to submit to the other. I believe communication and decision making based on each other’s strengths and weaknesses should be paramount in all relationships. Subjugation of anyone is a dangerous slope that should be avoided.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

No "other" option? I worked full time from the time I was in college until our 3rd child was born (a period of some 30+ years.

I quit working when we had our 3rd child because it, basically, would take my whole paycheck to pay for childcare for 3 kids. I was still making "extra" money when we only had 2 in childcare.

IMO I'm probably more in the "traditional" group. I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and such while working and afterward, while my husband did all the "house" stuff, yardwork, car repairs. We both did the shopping and transporting kids to/from event, helping with homework etc.

Usually, when there were differences in opinion about how to handle whatever the current crises was in the home, we would talk about it together (including the kids when they got older) and make a joint decision.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

That question is kind of the whole point of the thread. What you and I would have just called a stay at home mom, or maybe even a housewife, now has this connotation - but only sometimes. I'm unclear on just what makes the difference and who gets to decide. Looking for discussion on it here.

The difference is that Trad is submissive and more considered property instead of an equal partner. (that's specifically what the influencers are defining the philosophy of what trad is)

 

[ronandannette]

No "other" option? I worked full time from the time I was in college until our 3rd child was born (a period of some 30+ years.

I quit working when we had our 3rd child because it, basically, would take my whole paycheck to pay for childcare for 3 kids. I was still making "extra" money when we only had 2 in childcare.

IMO I'm probably more in the "traditional" group. I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and such while working and afterward, while my husband did all the "house" stuff, yardwork, car repairs. We both did the shopping and transporting kids to/from event, helping with homework etc.

Usually, when there were differences in opinion about how to handle whatever the current crises was in the home, we would talk about it together (including the kids when they got older) and make a joint decision.

No. I specifically didn't put an "OTHER" because I assumed most of us are "other" by our own definitions and it wasn't really about the various situations we each have and how we make them work. It was in specific to the idea of the difference between SAHM/W and Trad. Myself, I don't think there's any way I could qualify for the full-on Trad badge even if I was so inclined because I work 60 hours a week, and my work schedule/demands simply must take precedence over anything I do inside the home.

 

[DCLMP]

That question is kind of the whole point of the thread. What you and I would have just called a stay at home mom, or maybe even a housewife, now has this connotation - but only sometimes. I'm unclear on just what makes the difference and who gets to decide. Looking for discussion on it here.

What does Trad stand for? I’ve never heard the word before.

 

[Magical2017]

I didn't vote. I have been both a SAHM and WOHM, and DH has been a SAHD and WOHD.

 

[Magical2017]

So it looks like a traditional wife is one who prioritizes childcare and housekeeping over a career and supports her husband in his. Nothing wrong with that if it is what you want. In our home, the adults help clean and care for the children they created (kids help, too), no matter who works outside the home. The percentage they do these things may change based on who is paid to work, but there is still a division of labor. I think as long as both parties communicate about what is and is not working, it doesn't matter.