Toxic Friendship

[TammyAlphabet]

Has anyone ever had to "divorce" a friend? How did you go about it?

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Just stop talking, stop calling. Eventually they will get the picture. Maybe even change your number.

 

[C.Ann]

Ours was a "mutual" divorce, I think..

We had been best friends for over 30 years, but this gal was always on the overbearing side and trying to tell me how to live my life.. She was smart, extremely funny (we had some of the BEST times together), as loyal as they come - BUT - she just couldn't understand that I was perfectly capable of running my own life without her input on everything from toilet tissue brands to what doctor I should use.. She was one of those people who was always right; had to have things her way or no way; and always had to have the last word about anything and everything..

I made the mistake of getting her a job in the office I worked in and it was all downhill from there.. Her work attitude was the same - she went in like a bull in a China shop - heck bent on changing everything in the office from the lightbulbs and plants to the way the billing was done.. The doctor that I worked for was NOT happy with this and I couldn't help but feel responsible for bringing her in there in the first place..

Our relationship really started to deteriorate when I refused to run the office the way "she" wanted it to be and we ended up having a HUGE arguement when she stopped by my house one day.. That was about 4 1/2 years ago and we have never spoken since..

I still think about her from time to time, but I know if we rekindled the relationship it would be a disaster.. I don't need anyone to run my life - tell me how to run my life - or insist that they know my mind better than I do..

Toxic friendships are not good and sometimes you just have to walk away.. If you drag it out to the point that we did, it will only result in some major blow up that will always leave a bitter taste in your mouth..

 

[noseybuddy]

Has anyone ever had to "divorce" a friend? How did you go about it?

I just did this. She did something that I really didn't like. Don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I did it. I have never done this before. Don't know what came over me.

 

[noseybuddy]

Oh, and she lives right across the street from me.

 

[trappednabox]

I stopped calling, didn't answer her calls, and wouldn't answer the door when she came over. If I see her in a store, I turn the other way.

 

[Sparx]

I did. It was sorta mutual. I just told her what was bothering me, and she did the same, we decided that we would be better off not being such close friends. There were some hard feelings for a few weeks, but not anymore. We still say "hi" and everything if we see each other, but nothing more.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

:::sigh::: I went through this quite a few years ago. I had been best friends with M since high school. Our story sounds a lot like someone else who posted above (sorry, forgot to note your name ). We had great times together, a ton of laughs. But, she was way too overbearing, and inconsiderate. She was late for everything, making us have to cancel plans for many things. She, too, had to be right about everything. If she needed something from me, I did it for her ASAP. If I asked her for a favor, it was done when it was convenient for her. Getting a good picture?

Anyway, it was only when she did something completely rude and inconsiderate to my sister, that I realized what I had put up with from M for so long. That was the end for me. Not to mention, we were at totally different stages in life, where we just didn't have a whole lot in common anymore. I was engaged, living on my own, had a full-time job, etc. She was still living with Mom and Dad, working part-time. We probably could have gotten through those differences if the other stuff hadn't been such an issue.

To make this long story even longer (sorry!), I tried just ignoring her calls, etc., but that didn't work...she became more persistent. I finally wrote her a letter. She was such an overbearing person that I knew I couldn't talk to her face to face without her arguing every point I made. She wrote me back, apologizing for everything. We tried to rekindle the friendship, but it just didn't work. And, looking back, I do think it was for the best.

Best of luck to you...I know how hard it is.

 

[Disney Doll]

I had a friend who was the sister of my ex-boyfriend. This particular ex was probably my next most serious relationship besides DH. He broke up with me...got a little commitment shy...and it devastated me for quite some time. I took a long time to get back into the swing of dating, and during all that time she & I were able to remain friends.

Then I met DH, & she & I were still able to remain friends for a while, but when DH & I started getting serious, she kept throwing me & my ex back together. Like, she'd invite me to her house (she was married) and ex would just "happen" to stop by...despite the fact that she lived a good 40 minutes from him!!!! If she & I were going to meet for dinner, he'd just "happen" to be in the same restaurant. The problem was, he didn't like it anymore than I. Don't get me wrong...once I was over him, I was over him and wished him no ill and we actually got along pretty well during all these times we "accidentally" bumped into each other. But my life was moving in a different direction, as was his, and the 2 of us together didn't work anymore. I think she had visions of "her friend married to her brother" and all of us skipping off into the sunset together.

Finally we had a talk, and then we had no more contact after that.

I'm sure her version of the story is different...you know what they say...there's 3 sides to a story...yours, mine & the truth...but that's my side.

 

[SleepyMom]

She was one of those people who was always right; had to have things her way or no way; and always had to have the last word about anything and everything..

Sorry, but for a minute there I thought you were talking about my Mom


As for divorcing a friend, I've probably only done it once. I do have several friends that for one reason or another we didn't speak for a period of time, but then we ended up mending fences.

Actually the one time was two people, they were co-workers and did they ever enjoy stirring up trouble. I basically just stopped talking to them, although it was difficult being in the same area as them, especially since they would talk loudly about all the rest of us. I ended up moving not long afterwards, so I haven't had to see them in years.

 

[DawnCt1]

I had a friend from high school, she was my bridesmaid, went through raising young children at the same time, DH and her DH were cousins. Things fell apart when she got divorced and went from being forty something to fourteen, even speaking with "glottal stops". She was irritating when she joined me and my kids in WDW, borrowing money, not wanting to pay it back, criticizing my older DS's sloppiness,when she was staying with me for nothing, overtly and inappropriately flirting with anyone who walked by. I chilled the relationship for a while after the vacation but it resumed with more self consumed, self centered, inappropriate behavior. Finally when my brother and DH were activated to Afghanistan and Kuwait at the same time and I never received one phone call, I pulled the plug completely.I saw her at my class reunion last summer. First words out of her mouth to DH was, "what kind of car are you driving, I am driving an Acura." (it was 8 years old) When he said, "Ford Explorer", she laughed and said, "Ford Exploder?" She invited me to a baby shower for her DIL and I politely declined. I called when I knew she wouldn't be home and left a message on her machine. Two mutual friends prevailed upon me to go but I cut my losses and happily stayed home.

 

[pearlieq]

For the times it's happened to me, it was pretty easy. You just stop emailing, stop the phone calls, don't make plans. Things die pretty quickly.

Congrats to you for deciding to end this--it's a great investment in yourself!

 

[TammyAlphabet]

Wow! I am really not alone. Thanks for sharing your stories. I have really been feeling like a heel for having these feelings. Now I feel better and more justified. Thanks for the input.

 

[chrissyk]

Whatever you do, try to remain civil if you see him/her in person after the "breakup" of the friendship. 2 of my old neighbors were really close friends, and then they had some sort of riff. It was VERY awkward to be around the 2 of them after they ended their friendship, and it was unavoidable since we all lived next-door/across the street from each other in a very tight-knit neighborhood. One of them would always twitter to me about the other, and that was not right either. If you do have to end a friendship, just try not to involve any other mutual friends in the situation even if you feel that you need the support.

 

[Yardbird]

I did this a few years ago. I lived in a townhome community for several years and became friendly with a neighbor. We did things together every week, and talked often. After a while, she became very negatively, opinionated when it came to; people with low income, people with tatoos, and anyone that she felt didn't meet the same status as she. She also gossiped about a neighbor who she was also friendly with. Though I feel that she is basicly a good person, I felt that she was toxic for me.

When we moved out of the neighborhood, I felt that it was a good time to let go of the relationship. Since I don't think she would have been open to the reasons why, I just stopped phoning her, and didn't return her calls. Eventually, she stopped calling. I have run into her at the grocery a couple of times since, we say hello, but not much more.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I stopped calling, returning phone calls, talking. When I wouldn't answer the phone, she would leave long, dramatical, tear filled messages on my answering machine. When I was home and she called, I would race to the answering machine to turn it off before she could leave a message. Finally, she got the hint.

Then, she talked about me to everyone. I held my head up and smiled. When someone would say __________is talking about you. I just sighed and said, hopefully, she'll find another hobby soon.

Now, when _________and I see each other she is so mad still, that she snubs me.

Just goes to show you that indeed she was a toxic person.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

Well, I stopped talking to her, making plans with her and so forth. This wasn't easy because we are neighbors and she kept coming over. Eventually she caught on that I wasn't "talking" to her and even though we are neighbors, she sent me an email wanting to know why. At first I ignored it and then she sent it again. Well, I told her everything that was bothering me. She replied and basically explained how blameless she was in all this. When I see her now, she quickly turns her head and doesn't acknowledge that I exist. I didn't need this aggravation in my life. I am glad it is over. I don't bear her any ill will, but, I am happier now without this "toxic" friend. Thanks for the support.

 

[Lyn5]

I had a good friend (or so I thought) that I knew for a long time....Her mom and my mom were classmates and I was actually named after her older sister...we are born a few days apart. Well, many years down the road things got a little messy, things were going on in her life that sucked and I tried to be a good friend, I even had to make a hard choice and tell her I knew her BF was fooling around, she didn't believe me. Then, he left her pregnant with her second child, I was there in the delivery room with her. But a year later she was just living a lifestyle I didn't want to be a part of...I decided my family didn't need to be exposed to it, so I ignored her. Then, she called me one night and was telling me all about her new relationship. I already knew about it and it was with a married man, father of two young children and his young wife was under going therapy for cancer, oh, and she even introduced herself to the wife... I couldn't listen to her for one more moment and I told her all the things that bothered me for two years in that one night. At the end, I told her that if she didn't want to be friends anymore that would be o.k. with me and I could accept it. She had even hit on my DH a few times...eventually we stopped talking and now I am at the point of no longer sending her the polite invites to parties and hopefully she won't bring gifts at Christmas. I saw her twice this week by chance, we say hi, but not much more. I think me life is much better now, less negativity.

 

[wilderness01]

I have done it and am doing it right now. Toxic relationships are terrible. Do what is best for you and your family. Good luck.

 

[CapitanCook]

I was once "divorced". God it was painful. My roommate and his girlfriend, I was best friend swith them both. She lived at our house. After a while I became even closer with her than I was with him. Then he goes on vacation one summer, she stays at the house. The.... I suppose, inevitable happens. She and I sort of fall in love. It was funny... I knew what she was doing, htat her feelings for me were more of a reaction to falling out of love with my roommate, but after a few days of her looks, she finally said something about it. After that conversation I was lost. I was completely in love with her. Her boyfriend gets back in town and they patch things up. I quickly come back down to earth, but the feelings never really go away. He was always paranoid and never fully trusted either of us. But after this, she didn't trust me either. We continued living in the same house for another 14 months.

There was a blowup and it was clear that both my friendships were over about 9 months into that. That was the summer before my senior year of college. This inspires me to get sober, helps me find God. When I get back to school, I am quite changed, however it becomes instantly obvious that both of them have further steeled themselves against me. Very hard for me, as all of our friends were mutual friends who I then stopped talking to. Also with quitting drugs and a lifestyle I had lead for the first three years of school left me very alone. I still felt so much love for each of them and it just seemed so silly to me that what happened a year ago was still getting in the way.

I don't know. When the lease ended in October of that year, we moved out. My roommate and I had a blow-up as I was comepletely moved out by the required time but he needed me to stay deep into the wee hours of the morning helping him move. I finally said I was done, and going to my new apt. He took this as yet another betrayal, and though I ended up helping him finish moving until 4 in the morning, it was done.

I tried calling her a week or two later. She wasn't there and didn't call back. I saw him soon after too, and spoke to him about my vacuum cleaner. He insisted it was his. After that it was clear that they were done with me. I wish there was something I could have done. I still love both of them dearly and my life is definately lessened with such close friends not in it.

That was all 4 years ago. I still think about it though. I've never been that close with anyone before or since. I am still sober and have a rewarding, yet unfaithful relationship with God. I suppose my life is "better" now, but what I wouldn't give for a second chance.