Totally OT: Only children

[java]

Well I am not an only and I have 4 children so I guess I am biased... But what I will add is that my dd has several "only" friends. Out of the group there is only 1 of the onlies that I see as being someone with some issues- She has to always be first- she always has to have her way or she will cry-she has to be the center of attention at all times- she wants to play with everything at others homes but yet won't share her stuff- she goes on and on about how gross boys are and brothers and gross- (i am sure she is hearing this from Mom as she has mentioned similar stuff to me- oh I have 3 boys..)But the other onlies... well they are just children- just like every other child in the group. They play well they share they are fun to be around(oh these girls are 9 by the way) So I think being an only can be fine. You have to chose what works for your family. All of your family. And with your child being only 6 months old...give yourself some time to decide.

 

[all4fun]

Now, In understand everything everyone is saying, from those who couldn't see themselves with less than two children, to the only teenager, who begged the OP to have another. But we can't, and I don't really need to be made to feel guilty over something that is physically impossible.

Yes, I realize that nobody wants me to feel guilty, and I could always stop reading and ignore the thread, and maybe I do feel a little guilty on my own. But it's an individual choice, and ours was made for us. We will raise DD6 to the best of our ability, giving her all the love we possibly can, and hope that it is enough.

(End of rant. Obviously, this has come up before.)

Thank you for saying that. I am right there with you...

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

I didn't read everyone's responses. Just a few at the top.

I think a lot of peoples opinions about 1 or more children have much to do with how they grew up. So everyone is going to differ here. My opinion is going to differ from others I'm sure but you asked our opinion so I'll tell you

I think a well adjusted child has more to do with how the parents raise them instead of whether they have a sibling or not. So I wouldn't' worry about it from that stand point.

I had an older brother who I was never close to, then when my parents divorced I didn't live with him. Even though I technically wasn't an only child I feel like I was. I lived like I was, and except holidays I still live like I am. I didn't/don't like it. It made me sad as a child and it makes me sad today. I am not saying that is how every child would feel, that is just how I felt. I desperately wanted a sibling. We lived in the country so I didn't' have friends to just go hang out with. If we wanted to play we had to make play dates in advance. No spur of the moment stuff. Anyway, a lot of my friends are close to their siblings today and I crave that relationship. Even if the relationship was just based on sharing experiences of growing up. How awesome would that be to share with someone? Is this something that consumes me? No, but to be honest I do think of it often.

I know how you feel about really liking just having one. My dream was always to have a daughter. Our first child was a girl. I was in heaven! Dh wanted to have more kids, well, I had my daughter so I just wanted to enjoy her. I was reluctant to have more. My heart told me otherwise due to how I personally felt about missing a sibling in my life. I decided to wait until she was three before we had another. We got pregnant right around her 3rd birthday. We had another girl. Yeah, sisters! I really like the age difference between the two. Our oldest has become her little sisters "second momma". She loves her to death. I have a feeling they will be wonderful siblings. I know there is no guarantee about them being close or even liking each other when they are older but they are off to a wonderful start and I am excited that they can share these experiences together.

Our family adjusted well to the new addition. I think it helped that our DD was just old enough to be able to do something's for herself. That really helped with the transition. I also really liked that I had those first 3 1/2 years just with my oldest DD. I really got to enjoy her baby stages and give her lots of one on one attention. I also get to have that time with my newest dd. We get our one on one time while my oldest is at Preschool.

I like how it turned out. That worked well for us.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I really appreciate all of your responses. I guess a part of me was looking for reassurance that having just one is ok too.

If this is what you are looking for, you’ve definitely got it here. We have one DS (age 5) and are very happy!

Our final decision actually came down to medical reasons, but even before, I think we were leaning toward one. Neither of us was eager to duplicate out own situations - I grew up with 2 and found it competitive, DH with 3, and found it hard on the middle one. (Ironically, neither of us were the “injured party” in those situations.) I also am not at all good at choosing between people – the everyday decisions of “who needs what more, right now?” would be really stressful to me, to the point that I think I would be a less effective parent. And DH loves kids, but also needs plenty of quiet time to be really happy.

I love that I can take my only on outings that would be impossible with more. I love that our schedule is less crazy, that I can spend a lot of one-on-one time with him. Things like that.

I have also been very lucky with social opportunities for my only. He has cousins in a nearby town, and a neighborhood with lots of kids. I “borrow” him siblings often, both at home and sometimes when we go places. I call it “scheduling my chaos,” and it works for me. He doesn’t have the problems sharing that I was led to expect with an lonely.

So that's me, and my personal answer to the origianl poster. - Yes, an only is just fine!!


And my more general "deep thoughts" for the bigger discussion that has taken off. -

The world needs ALL sizes of families.

As with anything else, more is not better or worse, just “more” – more good and more bad. You try to match the level of intensity that is comfortable for you. Some things will be easier with one, some with more.

By choosing to have an only or a set, you don’t choose between a right and a wrong answer, you simply choose different advantages. Once you’ve made your decision (or God, mother nature, circumstances, whatever… has made it for you) list those advantages, post them if you have to!, to remind yourself what you are doing right, and just do you best to compensate for the other advantages that you didn’t pick.

There was also a thread not too long ago with some of this same stuff. I remember particulary two pieces of advice that I really liked. –
1) Flip a coin. You’ll know when it’s in the air what you really want. and
2) Just look around the dinner table and see if everyone is there.

 

[HeatherC]

Just wanted to chirp in. I'm not an only child either. I was the oldest of 3, until I was 17 and then my parents adopted my two brothers from Korea who were 11 and 12 at the time. So now we are 5 siblings.

I just wanted to say that I can't imagine not having siblings...particularly as my parents get older. I can just imagine how hard it would be for me to be "alone" if/when something happens to them. Just knowing I have 3 brothers and a sister to turn to for comfort and support means so much to me. Family is such a huge part of my life that to not have anyone left would be unbearable for me. In addition, between five of us there are a lot of cousins for my kids which they just adore.

Of course, I realize only children may have friends or cousins/etc. to support them as well. I'm not taking away from this, just saying how I would feel.

And....I love the holidays and even regular get togethers since it is always a party with my family. It's nice to have it nice and boisterous and then go home with my dh and 3 kids for some quiet time.

I'm sure whatever you and your dh decide for your family will be the right decision for you.

Heather C