Totally OT: Only children

[mask_w03]

My DD is only 17months so I can't say much for how she feels or how I really feel having an only yet. But I love the freedom that I have with her right now. I had a very rough pregnancy and as much as I love her, do not want to go through that again. My family and some friends have even pushed (from day 1) that we need to have a second child for our daughter. It was always for DD, not us. I grew up with a brother who I am now pretty close with and DH has a brother and they aren't to close since they are so different.

We like the idea of being able to do more for her like pay for college and help her out down the road and being able to give her all of our attention and being there for her when she needs us. Saying that I have done by best by putting her in a play group since she was 2months old and playing with neighbors little kids during the evenings outside so she gets the child interaction almost on a daily basis. She has no issues being around other kids, she is usually the first one to go up to a child and try to get them to play (not shy at all). I have talked to friends who are only children and they loved it and hated it. I think either way you look at it, it has to be something that fits your family and isn't done for your child.

Maybe sit down with your DH and see why he feels he wants a second! I wanted a second and DH didn't and I have now come to terms with only having DD and am loving it.

Interested to read what others post too.

 

[monorailsilver]

This is obviously a personal decision for you & your dh to make.

I have 3 kids, dh & I both came from a 3 child family.

Before I agreed to marry dh, I made him commit to one child because he never wanted any & I wanted The Brady Bunch (yes really!).

So after we had our first child my sister was told me this: When they get a little older & you go on vacation & if you only have one child, that child is going to make you play with them.

Which is all fine and dandy but if you just want to sit back & watch/listen to that ocean you can't with one child because you have to entertain them. But if that child has a sibling well then there is a playmate for them & you can watch them play & yes still play with them.

My older 2 who are 5 & almost 3 are always playing together which is SO nice.

My youngest who is the same age as your baby just watches them now & I swear she just wants to go & join them (she was born 3/2/06 so she is s few days shy of 6 months).

But it is a personal decision. I have friends who are only children & they are perfect & I have friends who have alot of siblings or very few & they are perfect too.

 

[Disney4Drew]

We have an only child who will soon turn 4. I love having an only and do feel that our family is complete. I had pangs to have another when DS was about 10 months old...they went away! DH doesn't want anymore, either. I am a teacher, I LOVE kids, but I know in my heart that one is right for us. We love the flexibility of having one and can pretty much do what we want. My DS will start preschool three days a week and needs it for the social interaction. He is very articulate and intelligent, but he does need to gain more experience with sharing, taking turns and overall peer interactions. This is something we're aware of and making a conscience effort to fufill. He also plays soccer two times a week. In a nutshell, we love of family of three and are very happy. I grew up with 2 siblings, but our ages are so spaced apart that we were never really close. My DH also has 2 siblings and is not that close with either one. There are pros and cons to every family size...you just have to decide what is right for you!

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

My DD just turned 10. I am unable to have more children. My DD has asked for a sibling since she was 2. Today she knows it isn't going to happen , but she still says she wishes she had one, even if she had a brother to fight with. She gets lonely. I try to give her play dates, but there is nothing like sharing your life with a sibling. When her father and I are gone, she will be all alone. I wish I could give her a sibling to share her life with, and I pray God sends her an awesome spouse to be joined to. But if I could choose, I would give her a sibling. Just something to think about, really, only you can know what's best for your family.

 

[ribbot]

We have one 6 year old boy and he is our only child. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us and there's not a day that goes by that we don't say what a great person he is and how lucky we are to have him. I was 33 and my husband was 40 when we had him, we had been married for 10 years before we had him. So we had done our vacations and lived our lives---then bam, I became pregnant the weekend after I went off the pill. To top it off I didn't know I was pregnant for 3 months and then I delivered him 2 months early. So he truly was a miracle baby the whole way around.

Ok to get back on topic. We have talked in the past about having another one---but I was told that medically I shouldn't. It would be too risky for me (even though they never did figure out the real reason he came so early).

So we have decided to enjoy him and accept that there will be no other siblings. I had 2 brothers, my husband had 13 brothers and sisters. We are both very happy with our decision, but think that if we had known how great having a child was, we would have done it a LONG time ago.

As far as school goes----he did 2 years of preschool and the teachers told me that he seemed to be a wallflower and just liked to sit back and watch other kids playing. I had never seen that, because we constantly did playdates with friends and he always got along easily and played with them all. Then when it came time for Kindergarten and the guidance counselor did the testing, she said his artwork was very immature and "didn't he have any preschooling?" (hoo boy did that ever irk me.) She tried to talk me out of sending him to K at the age of 5 1/2, but I sent him anyway and he ended up being at the top of his class academically and never gave the teacher an ounce of trouble. He was behind a little in things like coloring, cutting, etc but I believe that's because he didn't have a sibling to sit with all day and do that with. (even though I did it with him, it just wasn't the same I guess.) Or maybe it was just a prematurity thing (or a boy thing like I hear so many times).
I might also note that he writes, colors and cuts with both hands and that seemed to irritate the teachers too. I finally quit trying to fight it and just let him do what he's gonna do with this hands. He works them both perfectly. One of the first questions all of the teachers have asked me is "Is he an only child?" So it must be obvious to them--whether that's good or bad, I don't know. But guess what? I'm not having any more children because THEY want me to.

Having more than one child is something you and your family will have to sit down and figure out. It definitely is a change in the house. Especially since your husband is away so much---that's tough work. Yes, it's nice to have siblings for when they grow up---but as children, they don't always get along. I do wish you all the luck with whatever you decide--it's a hard decision.

 

[cukak6]

I was in the same boat, my husband travels...a lot. In fact, he's leaving Monday and won't be home until the end of September. I have 2 boys ages 5 and 2. It was difficult with one and even harder with 2, but you adjust. In fact, I think it's harder now that my oldest is in school. When they're both home they play together and I actually get a moment to myself. When it's just the younger one, I'm the one he wants to play with...all day. It is hard when my husband is gone but you fall into a routine and it gets easier with time. Let me also say, we have no family in town. Our closest relatives live 3 hours away so when he's gone, it's just me and the boys. However, I can't imagine not having both of my boys, and we're actually trying for #3.

 

[Honeymooner04]

I really appreciate all of your responses. I guess a part of me was looking for reassurance that having just one is ok too. My parents are both deceased and when they died a couple of years ago there was such turmoil between me and my sister that I actually wished a couple of times that I could have just gone through that myself. She and I have never been close and now it's incredibly awkward because I'm sort of the parent figure and older sister to her (she's 5 years younger and incredibly immature). I don't think I would know how to be a good mom to siblings because of how my sister and I turned out. My husband and I aren't done discussing it by any means and our little girl is only 6 months old so there is still plenty of time to have another one. Anyway, thanks so much again. It's really helped me to see others perspectives and hear your reasons for either having or not having more than one.

 

[mamacatnv]

I kinda have 2 only's - our kids are 9 years apart. DS got to be an only for 9 years and DD will be an only when DS departs for college.

I loved having an only. It took many years, 8 to be exact before I even thought of another. DH at first thought I was nuts, he originally wanted 5 until we had DS and then he was okay with the 1.

One of my fears of having an only was putting all MY (wrong I know, but....) hopes and dreams onto the shoulders of my DS.

Now that DS is almost 17, I cannot imagine the day he leaves home and it is not that far away, but then I still have DD at home who will get to have her "only" years just as her brother did.

DS's best friend is an only and the mother and I are good friends. DS is talking about moving away to go to college and they have every intention (I'm not kidding) of moving wherever he goes. She has told me she can't stand the thought of him going away and they would certainly move.

It is definitely a personal choice - personally I love my 9 year age span - it is perfect and I wouldn't change it in any way.

 

[jodifla]

You can laugh at me all you want - worrying about whether or not our children will be close wasn't an issue in deciding whether or not to have another one! I'm not going to worry about MAYBE's! I know this isn't really a predictor of how people will get along, but my entire extended family is close with each other, including all siblings. If my two were not close or did not speak to each other, it would be a first in our family and there would be a lot of explaining to do

If you want to have more than one child, you absolutely should! My comment was more to the people who envision this perfect friendship their kids will have. As often as not, it doesn't turn out that way.

 

[blanq]

...So after we had our first child my sister was told me this: When they get a little older & you go on vacation & if you only have one child, that child is going to make you play with them....

I have to respectfully disagree with this statement, and say it has not been my experience with raising my only child. If a child cannot play by him/herself then the child has been conditioned to do so by his parents, siblings or no siblings. Obviously, playing with your child is something that all parents should do, but children also need to learn how to make their own fun, to have down time to read and to explore on their own, etc. My DS was incredibly good about playing by himself when he was younger, because we built that into his routine, just as we built in play time with us. I have fond memories of him playing for long stretches in my pots and pans cupboard while I cooked or cleaned in the kitchen, then he'd run over to me with upstretched arms wanting to be held for just a minute...then licktey split he wanted down again so he could go play in the laundry basket full of clothes. I called him my "little checker", because he so wanted to explore, but had a need to check in with me for a little loving now and again!

 

[DiznEeyore]

I haven't read all of the other replies, but here's my take.

Our ds is almost 14 and loves being an only. Sure, there have been times he's talked about having a brother or sister, but all he has to do is spend some time with his cousins and he's over it, LOL!!

Having more than one child never "guarantees" a playmate for the other. It does, however, almost always guarantee a RIVAL. And fights. Constantly. The one thing our family and friends complain about most is their kids and all the fighting, lack of sharing, etc. etc. Dh and I are always so glad we stopped at one!

The other thing I don't know if anyone has pointed out, is unfortunately, there's no guarantee that having more than one child will be a permanent thing (I know a lot of people figure if there's more than one, they can both/all help with parents as they age). My sil's brother was killed in an accident several years back; she's no longer got a sibling to share the "responsibility" when her parents are older.

Bottom line: there are no guarantees in life. Some families are only able to have one child -- are those children going to be stunted from the lack of siblings? I don't think so. Only you can decide what's right for your family. But I personally don't think that you can do a child a disservice by not producing a playmate. That's what cousins and neighbor kids are for.

 

[aterriq]

Honeymooner04,

You just did it wrong. Should have had mutliples, twins or trips. Then you would have been done at once.

We have twin DDs. They were great when they were younger. Always had the playmate and they shared well. This last year has started to get more difficult since the sibling rivarly has started. I think they clock how much time I spend with one compared to the other.

Its hard to say if your kids will be close. My brother and I are 1 year apart and are not close. I am closer to one of my cousins and my half sister who is about 10 years older.

 

[PaulaSue]

Both Dh and I are onlies.

I hate/d it, especially after my parents divorced in my early teen years. I have no one to be connected to like my friends do.

Dh was fine with it growing up but now that we have our own kids, he sees all he missed out.

PLUS our girls have no cousins, aunts or uncles. It is a bummer especially at the holidays.

 

[KristinU]

I'm an only and love it, pretty much always have...I never longed for a sibling or anything but I always had a "fur sibling" so maybe that made a difference in not being lonely at times . DS is pretty likely going to be our only...oddly enough, my DH who is the youngest of four is pushing more towards DS being an only, I'm happy with three as the magic number for us but I could probably be swayed. (and along with how I was raised we do have a furbaby as well).

One thing I am very thankful for is that my parents are very responsible as they're aging. I see some of the stuff that we're going through with my in-laws and some of the stuff friends are going through with their parents and I'm really happy to not be burdened alone with some of that (financial and health stuff...I realize that health isn't always a choice of course...) That said, I have a great partner in my DH and if anything happens in the future where we need to step in I know he'll be there with me. Although now that I think about it, in these situations one sibling always ends up with the brunt of the responsibility.

In the end it is a personal choice that you and DH will need to decide together after gathering all of your feelings and findings.

 

[labdogs42]

I am an only and right now I have an only. I loved being an only child and I never thought I missed out on anything. I had wonderful friends growing up and I have two great friends from college (both onlies, BTW) who are like sisters to me. I have always been very independent and self-sufficient. I grew up with a love of reading and a vivid imagination, all of which was fostered (I believe) by being an only child and learning how to amuse myself.

My DS is 18 months old. We are seriously considering stopping at one. My Dh has a sister and they aren't all that close. I'm not sure if I could stand the fighting that siblings do either. My DS has already been to WDW once and we're taking him back in September. I want to be able to give him all kinds of wonderful experiences and send him to the college of his choice someday. Also, he already plays independently and he goes to daycare part time where he interacts with other children as well.

We also have two big dogs that DS loves to play with. They are like having two more kids anyway!

 

[The Disney Bunch]

Why not wait a little bit & see how you feel. Your dd is only 6 months old at this point. I have friends who have years in between their kids because at the time, it wasn't right but felt right later on.
I am not in favor of only children but this is my feeling. For each person who tells you not to have an only child, there will be a person who will tell you it is fine. It is a personal decision that you and your dh have to make on your own. It isn't fair to any of you to come here & try and make a decision based on everyone's else's opinions. Good luck!

 

[Minnie]

Hi there,

I'm and only with an only.

My parents were both children of large families and chose to have only me.

I've always felt very close to my parents due to the fact that we are it. My son spends quite a bit of time with my parents and loves every minute of it still at the age of 13 now.

If you are having any doubts whatsoever of only having 1 then I would definitely not have another as there is NO turning back.

As you mentioned you are the caregiver as your husband is away often. The decision in this case should be yours.

Good luck!

 

[grlpwrd]

My MIL is an only child and in her 80s. She always complains about not having a sibling and cousins that were not very close to her even to this day. She has 4 sons. She does always say how it is nice for her to enjoy her grandchildren and has hobbies of her own so it's not like she is always lonely.

My mom has a brother and I think in my family that is the smallest amount because our whole family is made up of huge families because that it how it is for us culturally. There are only around 401,000 Hawaiians/part Hawaiians according to the most recent census so we are becoming an endangered species.

Yes, here are no guarantees in life and yes, you really can't go by what others have experienced. We all have different lives, values, and reasons for having kids or not. Having an only child or having a big family doesn't guarantee anything in the future.

GL in your decision!

 

[rt2dz]

I was not asked to reply, not being an only or having an only, but I just can't resist throwing my thoughts into this thread. Everyone has there own magic number and whatever you have will be perfect for you. All will turn out fine whether you have more than one or stop at one because THAT is your family. Only you & your DH can make this decision. But I thought I'd share some of the thoughts on why we had more. I hope it just doesn't come out all over the place.

I'm number 3 of 4. I'm fairly close to my oldest sister & my brother. None of us really like my second sister much. She's someone I wouldn't have much to do with if she wasn't my sister. But she is my sister. And I'd be there for her, for anything if she needed it. We're not friends, but we do have a bond.

No one else knows your family history, but siblings because they are the only people who are part of your family. I mean immediate family here, not extended families with cousins. They truly KNOW everything about where you come from and what shaped your personality--even if they are different. Only a sibling can understand inside jokes. With an only, there are none.

Yes, siblings fight. Even as adults. But as a parent, even though it drives me nuts sometimes, I wouldn't change that. You have to find common ground as a child with a sibling, not so much with a friend. Friendship ends. DNA doesn't. It's a wonderful skill & learning experience. I hate listening to my kids fight and I know as they get older it will get worse. But I'll take that any day over a quiet house. I think you can learn sharing better at an earlier age too. My kids are closer in age than my sisters' kids are, and mine share better. Even the one with the difficult personality.

I had a friend who referred to our child as only children (before we had our second) and I just couldn't figure out what she was talking about. I never thought of DS#1 as an only child, simply our first. Basically, I knew our family wasn't complete. It still isn't, we're about to start trying for #4. There is just an empty spot in my heart. Love only grows with more. Love is not finite, it's infinite. There is more people to love and more people to love you.

I also want my children to have each other as they grow older, even if it isn't the talk on the phone daily/weekly type of closeness. They have lots cousins, but so did I and it just isn't the same. They will be there for each other if our health declines, when we die. If not doing the physical work, sharing the pain and other mental burdens. And they will have someone after we are gone. Their roots will never be dug up, but remain in firm ground.

Life is precious. It can be taken away at any time. A good friend of mine had a brother until college. One drunk driver later and he is an only child. He wasn't close to his brother growing up, polar opposites. But as an adult with children of his own, he misses him terribly. So do his parents. Now that would never change regardless of one child or a dozen, but at least there still is that connection later in life. Of course, I wouldn't have a child FOR another child, that's kind of like getting a pet for a pet...

We've always fit each of our 3 kids into our lives v. changing our habits just for them. While I've always needed to make adjustments with the addition of each family matter, it hasn't been a total upheavel. I certainly never had to be home at 12:30 so my child can take a nap in his crib. He can sleep later (#3 has the adjustable naptime) or he can nap in his stroller/carseat/where ever (the case of #1 & #2). It works for us. So that never stopped us. If I did it that way, I'd be a virtual shut-in and we'd all be miserable. So "all that extra work" just didn't exist in our case. All 3 of mine have strep right now. Not fun--DS2 on WEd, DS1 (today) on Thur, and DS5 today (Friday). But, I still wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

People talk about the cost. And, yes, every child cost more. But each costs less than the one previously--especially if the same gender. You don't need to rebuy cribs, bassinets, swings, bouncers, etc. Toys and clothes are passed down--I don't think DS#3 has but two new outfits ever & he's one!! Nor has he ever gotten a new toy except one at Christmas last year (baby toys are the same regardless of gender). When he had our third we received mainly money/savings bonds/stocks to go to his college education for gifts. And while we pinch pennies, each child has one year of college education completely paid for. It only takes a little at a time while they are little.

OK, that isn't all of it, but that's enough to mention. Again, remember, what is right & works for someone else, might not for you. It's a personal decision. And it will be the right thing in the end. If you think, however, you might have regrets--you're not done. The biggest reason to have another is that it just feels like someone is missing.

 

[amy4bruce]

Excuse me, but I've just read this thread, and I'm a little annoyed.

My daughter is six, almost seven. She's an only. DW and I wanted to have more, but she was very hard to have (can you say "ectopic?" I sure can.), and then we were physically unable to have another. So we have an only. (And yes, we've considered adoption, but I'm older and our finances might not be sufficient.)

DD6 is a wonderful child. When she asks about a sibling, we tell her the truth, and they point out that she was worth waiting for and, since we already have her, we feel blessed. She has two cousins she likes (they live 3 hours away), one she will like, and three who are much older and we don't associate with. She also has a close friend who's like a younger brother, many, many other friends (credit church, pre-school and kindergarten, not to mention the wonderful neighborhood we live in).

Now, In understand everything everyone is saying, from those who couldn't see themselves with less than two children, to the only teenager, who begged the OP to have another. But we can't, and I don't really need to be made to feel guilty over something that is physically impossible.

Yes, I realize that nobody wants me to feel guilty, and I could always stop reading and ignore the thread, and maybe I do feel a little guilty on my own. But it's an individual choice, and ours was made for us. We will raise DD6 to the best of our ability, giving her all the love we possibly can, and hope that it is enough.

(End of rant. Obviously, this has come up before.)