Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[Becky2005]

I'm not old enough to be a Grandma but I was definitely speechless when I read this.

I wouldn't even know how to respond to that. Actually, I don't think any of it NEEDS a response. Maybe it's just our town but they *encourage* the townfolk to come watch the games, if they know someone on the team or not.

I didn't go to parties or anything much when I was at home either. I wasn't really a homebody per se (they didn't really have internet back then or I probably would have been more!) but we hung out at the roller rink/arcade.

Hmmm...my mother is an on the go type, she is slowing down now (at 70) but goodness, I think she can outdo ME on occassion still.

I also agree if you needed to talk to a "mature" woman, I don't think DIL would be the first person I would be talking to. I'm assuming you were basically the same way when they first got married & she didn't think you were immature then (or maybe she did?).

Maybe she's mad because you are on the go a lot & not sitting home just waiting to baby-sit for her? I know when we ask my mom to baby-sit we are on the phone the instant we know we want her to, even if it's months out because we never know what she may have planned & if we get on the calendar first, it will override other activities but if we don't -- too bad for us.

Good Luck with however this turns out. I suppose on the bright side she isn't saying you are an awful Grandmother or something bad...she just thinks you aren't acting your age the way she thinks you should act it.

 

[dapoteete]

I would have to say that they are probably jealous and they don't understand because they didn't have the same type of relationship with their own Moms. I don't know what to say beyond that. Good Luck.

agreed

 

[Wishing on a star]

Holy cow! Sounds like the green eyes monster is rearing it's ugly head.

Yep, the big ugly green monster.... The first thing that crossed my mind.... Jealosy....

Everything mentioned is how you are doing this, and this, and that.... but 'not enough for ME'.....
Seriously, every single thing that was mentioned is really 1.) absolutely NONE of their business. And 1.) Very obviously a complaint about all the time and money that you are not spending on THEM, they way THEY think it should be spent.

You went thru a divorce with your son's father, right.... Now, they are off and gone (separated, so to speak) and you continue to have this busy life with your husband and your daughter.

Anyhow, I would let it go for now, and DO NOT engage in any negative discussion or argument.

If it is possible in the future to have a reasonable and rational conversation with your sons about this... Tell them you are 'confused'... etc... And, just listen.
Remember, every single time you open your mouth during the conversation, you are missing an opportunity to listen, and to therefore understand effectively.

But, for the immediate here and now..... Let it go.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Both DILs just turned 30 and it is the one who lives three hours away who "has concerns".

I know how lucky we are to have a teen who like to be home.

I wonder how they will react when they find out she plans to live at home for at least the first year or two and attend college at a university 20 minutes from here?

Truly, I am crushed. I have always tried VERY hard to be a good Grand-Mother and MIL.

Penny

 

[Maleficent13]

Seriously, I'm trying to think of a circumstance that would having me calling my MIL with a laundry list of "concerns" engineered to make her feel like crap.

I can't.

I am sorry for the hurt you're feeling.

 

[perdidobay]

You ARE a good grandmother and MIL I'm sure...the problem is all with them, in their heads.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Truly, I am crushed. I have always tried VERY hard to be a good Grand-Mother and MIL.

Penny

I am sure are, and you have!!!!

However, there seems to be no doubt that there are some underlying issues. And, whether justified or not, the big ugly green monster is probably one of them. (feelings do not have to be rational or justified)

My brain tells me that this is actually originating with your sons.
(did you go to every one of their and their girlfriends events??? Did you go on nice one-on-one trips (comparable to Disney) with them? )

Unless you were truly SOOOOO close to your DILs that they feel like they are blood family and have the right to make demands and have expectations... This is probably originating with your sons. And, in any event, your son's are the ones that you should address this with if it becomes imperative.

 

[hentob]

Oh, thank goodness I'm not crazy.

You are NOT crazy

Your DIL, um, yeah

She doesn't seem like a nice person to me.

 

[mamajoan]

I have grandchildren.. 2 who live far, far away.... and 2 that live 2 miles away. I think that for some reason... you can never be exactly ''right'' in anybody's book. No matter what you do... how often you babysit, how many times you send tokens of love, how much time you spend with everyone.. someone will think it is too much, not enough, etc.. etc..
I adore all of my grandkids, and I love their parents too. but sometimes I feel so inadequate for them

That being said.. your support and relationship with your youngest sounds true and strong.. how awesome! .. and you know what?? I think she is on her way to being a woman with a good head on her shoulders.

Hang in there grandma! and continue to enjoy your life with vigor!! It is a gift to be enjoyed!!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I don't think you owe her any kind of explanation for any of the things she asked. She was being extremely disrespectful when she sat you down with her "list" of questions or complaints or whatever those were. I wouldn't justify any of it with a response.

It makes me wonder if my family is weird. My husband and son go to high school football games to watch our neighbor's boyfriend play! The girl's dad goes to the games with the boyfriend's dad. Then they invited my husband to come along and our 11 year old son also likes to go. Bet your DIL would be all over that one!

Hang in there and do things your way. It sounds like you're a great mom and grandma!

 

[diznygirl]

Holy cow! I don't know what she would think of me and my family!!!
You are far from crazy - you sound like a lot of fun. And your DIL sounds like a drag. Good thing she's not close enough to drag you down with her.

I wonder what your sons think about all this. You still have the feelings to deal with - even if there is nothing wrong with you. Could be they are feeling left out. Maybe you will have to do some boring stuff with them just so they will feel better. Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are NOT crazy

Your DIL, um, yeah

She doesn't seem like a nice person to me.

Even if there is, indeed, some truth to those sentiments.... words like crazy and not nice "mean", are not going to help the OP deal with this in a positive and effective way.

 

[minkydog]

These two "girls" sound like a piece of work. You aren't the kind of grandmother she wanted because you don't call and take the little rugrats off her hands MORE OFTEN? Excuse me, but last time I checked the kids were her responsibility. No where is it written that grandparents must spend X amount of time with their grandkids. I mean, it's nice if you want to do that, but gee! you have a life!

And I think that's the whole problem here. You *do* have a life. They can't understand your "second childhood" because they haven't experienced that thrill when the kids fly the nest or are nearly to that point. That lovely time when you realize that you *can* have interests and opportunities that don't necessarily include the kids(especially these nutty DILs!)

You keep on doing what you're doing. Your Sarah sounds lovely and i'm sure there are a lot of moms on the DIS tonight that are wishing they had the relationship that you have with your daughter. I think DIL #2 needs some hobbies so it can take her mind off all you're doing wrong.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think you owe her any kind of explanation for any of the things she asked. She was being extremely disrespectful when she sat you down with her "list" of questions or complaints or whatever those were. I wouldn't justify any of it with a response.

Yep, you said it best!

OP, no matter how this goes down... do not justify these actions by 'engaging' with any immediate explanation or response.

Really, it seems that for this to have happened, there must be some pent up feelings and issues going on.
The best thing to do is to recognize that, and try your best to listen objectively.
JUST LISTEN....

What really was behind all of that venting......

If this comes back up, then remember, no immediate response....
You do not 'owe' them answers, or anything else...
And, any specific response, other than, I am listening, I am trying to understand, What are you saying.... I see, and I will think about that... (in other words "engaging") might not be the best way to go.

 

[Tink888]

You sound like a perfectly normal good-hearted person with a full life to me.

Sounds like DIL #2 has a little TOO much time on her hands. Maybe you should call her back and let her know that DIL #1 doesn't have ENOUGH time on her hands and perhaps she could give her a call and offer to babysit.

to you. That must've hurt a little being blindsided like that. It does sound like maybe there's some jealousy going on. Sometimes I think once people have kids, some parents expect grandparents to give up their own lives and devote themselves entirely to the grandkids.

 

[PixieFan]

I wish you were MY MIL!! Your DIL #2 sounds like my mom and stepdad. They don't understand how close we are to our 2 HS age sons. Even though mom and I were really close before he came into the picture. (He's hubby #4 for mom) I am especially close to the guys since my DH was a truck driver off and on for a lot of their young childhoods. Our oldest is on the drumline in band and our youngest quit football after 9th grade (because the coach wouldn't put him in any position but lineman and at 5-9 and 146 lbs he told us he doesn't have a "death-wish"). But we have always and still do, go to ALL games home and away and they just don't understand. They don't get the disney thing either, but have learned to just leave it alone. I hope things get better for you! When do you think you will "discuss" what she said? If ever??? Dawn

 

[mom2rb]

You sound like a great mom and grandmother. I don't understand her complaints. The one about babysitting, my MIL and step-mom watch my kids when I ask them to. I think once, when my anniversary was on a weekend, my MIL offered to watch my kids without me asking.

I have no idea what would cause her to call you and tell you these things.

 

[manning]

I'm about to write a post I would never have imagined writing.

I have always loved my two daughters-in-law dearly. I never thought they, or I, were perfect but I thought they were pretty close. Now it seems that I am the one who is failing badly.

DIL number one recently told me that I am not the kind of grandmother she would have me be. I baby-sit when she asks me to but my failing is that I don't call her and ask to baby-sit more.

I should stop here and interject that DH and I have a blended family. He and his first wife had three children, I had two boys with my first husband and we had Sarah together. We have been married for 25 years and after a certain point they all just became "our kids". My best friend is now my husbands ex-wife, someone else who I was blessed to have come into my life after we married. The two DILs I am posting about are married to my sons by by first marriage.

We are older than many parents with a child still in high school (Sarah is a Senior) but still very active and go a lot. (I am 52) We have always thought this was a good thing. We attend all school functions but we also attended them all for our older children.

If you are still with me the Rabbit Hole part came tonight.

DIL number two called me to express "some concerns" she has about me.

She asked me to just listen and we would discuss them later. It's a good thing because for the first time in my life I was struck dumb.

#1. What in the world is wrong with me that a grown woman loves Disney World so much? It seems it embarrasses her when her family and friends ask why we like to go so much.

The we is DD and I. My husband is not a theme park junkie. He has been a couple of times but sadly doesn't love it like we do. He does love for us to go. I am Lucky to have a very loving, giving man who really gets enjoyment from seeing us happy.

#2. Why do my husband and I love to go to high school football and baseball games at our daughter's high school so much when we have no one on the team?

First of all DIL is forgetting that we actually do have family on the team. A grandson on each team. They are lower class men and don't get much playing time yet but are on the teams.

Secondly, we go because the nice boy Sarah has been dating is on the football team. He does start and is a very good player. We are very fond of him and like watching him play.

We started tailgating at home games last year and love it. My husband cooks enough for the team to eat after the game and it gives him a lot of pleasure to feed the boys. Our daughter (older one who has a son on the team),her husband and her daughter as well as two other grand-daughters usually join us. My wife-in-law and her husband and Sarah's boy friends family eat and visit too. The DILs and my sons in question in this post do not come. One set lives here but doesn't do ballgames. The one who asked all these questions and my other son live three hours away. Ironically, he is a high school coach himself.

We also love to watch baseball. Our high school team has went to state final 4 twice in the last three years and the finals last year. We have a grandson on the team who has the makings of a really good player when he gets a little seasoning on him.

We will probably keep attending both football and baseball even after we really don't have anyone related to us on the team because we both enjoy it.

She didn't mention softball. Maybe because Sarah is on the team?


#3. Why do Sarah and her boy friend hang out at home so much?

I thought it was a good thing that they like to be at our house?
They are both Honors students ( number one and three in their class). Most nights Jacob comes over here. They eat dinner, do homework, and watch TV or get on the computer and listen to music, Face book, etc. Spend most weekends around here too. We often go out to eat as a family, see most new release movies, shop. Do a lot with them. I know we are very lucky they still like hanging around us but I didn't know there was anything wrong with it.

Many of the girls Sarah used to hang out with have developed new "interests". One has had a baby, some like to drink and party, a few smoke pot, one got kicked out of her house and now lives with her boyfriend.

DIL did say that she ran into a couple of Sarah's friends and they told her they didn't spend time with Sarah because she still hung around here to much. Truth is Sarah has distanced herself from some of these girls.

We ask my son and DIL who live here to eat out occasionally but unless you give them loads of notice they usually don't come.

We always take my other son and DIL out to eat when we go to visit them.

#4. Why are Sarah and I so close anyway?

How do I answer that?

#5. How could I have not gotten along with my own mother?

True. My mother and I had a falling out and did not speak for several years before she dies. At the end I did spend a lot of time at the hospital and was there when she died. I will not go into the whys here or with DIL. It is enough to say that I had good reason.

#6. DIL thinks that perhaps I am experiencing a second childhood or midlife crisis.

?????

DIL also says she cannot understand why I like to go and do so much. I guess I should just sit home and wait to die?

She ended by telling me that she loves me and is there if I ever need to talk to a mature woman.


I am still speechless.

Penny

Sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

 

[Jennasis]

Unless there is some bizarre "other-side" to this story (and I can't imagine what that could possibly be), your DIL's (both of them) are so far out of line and off-base that I advocate cutting them off from communication and out of your will...

On a more serious note, I would be calling up those sons of yours and demanding an explanation and an apology.

 

[kim929]

It might be a leap, but it might seem as if she is thinking that your neglecting your duties as a grandparent, as in, taking the grand kids all the time. If you stayed home on friday nights instead of going to the football games, then you would be home and available to take her children so they could go out. If your busy doing all those fun things, then your not there for them. confused3. What business is it of anyones where you vacation? Your lucky to have a daughter smart enought to walk away from friends that are doing things she doesn't agree with. She should be so lucky as to have that kind of relationship with her children when they grow up. Instead of thinking it strange, she should be asking you what you did right to have the realationship you do with your daughter.