Told what to use gift for and"only" for....(long)

[davidsprincess]

So my DD gets a gift from my DH's biological mom, "Sally" whom we have visited with about half a dozen times in the last 4 years and talk to once in a blue moon. DD gets a digital picture frame for kids and immediately DH and I think,"Great! We will load it up with pictures from our Disney trip that we just took in October for her. She will love it!"

Only, that is NOT what "Sally" has in mind. She proceeds to tells us that it is for pictures of her, her husband and my DD ONLY (we hadn't even said a word about what WE planned on doing with the GIFT) and that THEY will load it up with new pictures each time we see each other.

I just feel like she ("Sally"-met her first time 4 years ago) shouldn't be telling us how to use this gift that she got DD. I mean, yes she did buy the gift and can put pictures of her and her husband in it, but to say that it can "only" be used for that.... am I weird for thinking "NO. We will put in it what we want" (DH feels the same way).

It is not that we don't appreciate the gift and DD thinks it great! "Sally" wants DD to know who she is. And she does. We do talk about her, but honestly, at the age of 4 DD would rather talk about HER being in MY tummy, not about "Sally".

So to make a long story short.... does anyone else find it strange for a "condition" for usage to be put on a gift and should we just do what we want with it??

 

[NotUrsula]

In this particular case I can see it, but I think that she made a mistake giving the frame as a Xmas gift, especially if it was THE Xmas gift. This frame is meant not as a frame, but as a scrapbook. Think of it as you would a pre-made scrapbook -- if someone gave you one of those, would you take out the original photos and put your own choices in instead?

I would respect the grandmother's wishes on this one, presuming that you intend to have an open relationship with her throughout your DD's life. The point of DD frequently seeing those photos is to keep her recollection of her "other family" fresh in her mind, so it wasn't given just for fun. If you don't leave it for just pictures of the other family, then it will not serve the intended purpose.

It wasn't good to give it as a Xmas gift, because it isn't a toy or a fun item, it is a talisman, and one that carries some special symbolism. It should have been given on a standalone occasion to make the purpose stand out.

PS: I wanted to say that when I first wrote my response, I thought that the giver was the child's biological mother, not her grandmother. While I stand by my response, I'll agree that it is more peculiar to have a grandmother do this, almost as if she wants to cut her son out of the family circle and still hold onto the granddaughter, which I think that most people would agree is a nearly impossible feat.

 

[davidsprincess]

I can see where you are coming from. It if was a homemade scrapbook then I wouldn't take out the original pictures, just as I would keep the pictures in the frame, but add to it with other pictures that involved important events or memories for DD. Not just ones the my husband's biological mom feels should be in there. We also have picture albums that she did up that has pictures of her and her family that we do look at once in awhile. But like I said, at 4 DD could care less. It wasn't her that was adopted, but rather her dad. Her big thing is why are there pictures of us at the hospital after she came OUT of my tummy and no pictures showing how she got IN my tummy!!

 

[disykat]

I would leave the pictures on there for now and not make a big deal about it. Then I would consider the frame dd's to do with as she wishes. When she wants to add new pictures I'd do it. When they visit and want to load pictures, that's dandy. When they notice other pictures on it just say "dd wanted to add ...and enjoy using your lovely gift."

Seriously, if they think it's worth it to police a grandchild about how she uses her Christmas present they can do it themselves.

 

[quasar4legs]

As an adoptive mum and an adoptee I can empathize with everyone in this situation and appreciate how these family issues can become complex.
I agree that a gift for a 4 year old should not come with conditions, however in this case I would honor grandma's request.
It is obviously important to your husband's biological mother and I would just put 'her' frame to one side and get another for Disney photos. Your daughter at 4 will not be able to understand the full history of her family but this is a chance to teach her compassion for her grandmother.

I get the feeling that this issue is not really about the photo frame!

Big hugs to your family.

 

[wdwmom2]

Do I think it is a weird request? YES!!! But just to make her happy, I would leave that picture frame for her pics, and go buy one and put all my happy memories on it.

Digital pictures frames have come down in price and you can get one fairly inexpensively. DH and I bought one for his mom for Xmas and we loaded some of our family on it. Then on Xmas day when our whole family was together and MIL opened it, I told the rest of the family to please put their photos on it. I even took my reader/writer along so it could be done that day and MIL could take it home "complete"!!! I would never put "conditions" on a gift!!! Those suckers hold soooo many pics that I can't imagine how long it would take to fill it up!

 

[Disney Doll]

While I consider it odd, a family where there's been adoption and so forth might have differt "issues" with who goes with who and who remembers who and so forth. Since your DD is 4, I'd honor the request of the child's biologcal grandmother and keep it as the "special" frame for their pictures...just tell DD that it is "the special frame for pictures of you and Grandma Mary and Grandpa Bill".

As she gets older she may decide she wants to put other pictures on it and so forth...she can deal with that with her bio grandmother when it happens I guess.

Basically, this one's not a hill I would die on because it sounds like there may be quite a few "issues" surrounding this relationship.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

I would buy her an additional frame to use as she wishes. Disney pictures, etc.... let her do what she wants with it. Keep the other one as Bio Gma wishes.... maybe it just does not get plugged in as much as the other one.

 

[nmmom95]

I think it is an odd request because she is only 4. I don't think that she is could possibly be at a stage where she even cares about complex family relationships. I think that she should be able to to put whatever she wants on the frame, It's hers, she's little, and she should have it however it makes her happiest. If her GM wants her to have a specific keepsake, maybe she should make a scrapbook or album. Digital photo frames are meant to be changed, scrapbooks are not.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I know the narcissistic type very well...
Anybody who would give a 4 year old photos of themselves, and then demand that they be displayed...
That is just so warped it defies words.

Last year, we gave MIL a frame like this, thinking that she might enjoy having a slideshow of pictures of DS, her only grandchild.

She immediately went and rustled up all kinds of old photos of HERSELF... and had DH scan them and load them into it. Now, this nice electronic frame must be sitting in the bottom of a closet somewhere.

This woman is a real CASE.

PS: After 20 years of dealing with the issues in this family, I finally came to learn a lot about narcissism... a true neurological narcissism... Narcissistic Disorder. BOY does it explain a lot.

It doesn't help to make the things that I have endured any less painful, but at least I can understand now, and I know not to take things personally.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

I do think it's odd. I would think that the grandma would want to be included as the "regular" (for lack of a better term) family pictures, rather than separated out.

We have 2 relatives who similarly (re)joined our family circle. I would be horrified if anyone wanted to put their pictures apart from the rest of the family ones?

That said, as others did, I'd honor grandma's wishes and just buy another frame for Disney pics.

 

[Carly_Roach]

So my DD gets a gift from my DH's biological mom whom we have visited with about half a dozen times in the last 4 years and talk to once in a blue moon.

Easy solution, especially if you can't afford another photo frame.

Get two memory sticks and mark one "Biological Grandmother's Name" and the other "Daughter's Name". Download the photos the grandmother put into the frame into the memory stick and keep it in a secure place. Now load the photo frame up with the memories you think your daughter wants on the frame. **BE SURE YOU BACK UP ALL PHOTOS ON A COMPUTER SOMEWHERE IN CASE THE STICKS FAIL!**

When the Grandmother is coming over for her once yearly visit, store the daughter's photos on her stick and reload the Grandmother's photos into the frame. Problem solved.

I'm of the opinion that it's not right to gift an electronic item and then dictate how that item is to be used. If someone had done that to me, I would have returned the item to them immediately. That's way too much control that person has over an aspect of my life for me to accept it.

If the grandmother wants the granddaughter to know her, then a scrapbook or emailed photos would have been a better way to go rather than insist that she have this one untouchable piece of electronics taking up space on her shelf. That's just my opinion, though.

 

[davidsprincess]

Easy solution, especially if you can't afford another photo frame.

Get two memory sticks and mark one "Biological Grandmother's Name" and the other "Daughter's Name". Download the photos the grandmother put into the frame into the memory stick and keep it in a secure place. Now load the photo frame up with the memories you think your daughter wants on the frame. **BE SURE YOU BACK UP ALL PHOTOS ON A COMPUTER SOMEWHERE IN CASE THE STICKS FAIL!**

When the Grandmother is coming over for her once yearly visit, store the daughter's photos on her stick and reload the Grandmother's photos into the frame. Problem solved.

I'm of the opinion that it's not right to gift an electronic item and then dictate how that item is to be used. If someone had done that to me, I would have returned the item to them immediately. That's way too much control that person has over an aspect of my life for me to accept it.

If the grandmother wants the granddaughter to know her, then a scrapbook or emailed photos would have been a better way to go rather than insist that she have this one untouchable piece of electronics taking up space on her shelf. That's just my opinion, though.

I was telling DH your reply and the whole time he is saying;"Exactly!" He had been thinking this same solution!

You guys are right. There are other "issues". And I thought I would only have to deal with the "issues" that arise when you have in-laws. The two AWESOME things that have come from this is

1) my husband
2)my daughter

and for that I am thankful.

 

[Binnie]

To my mind, you have 2 choices:

1--you ignore her conditions completely and display whatever pictures you want; or

2--you give the gift back, and explain that you're not comfortable with a gift with conditions.

No need to validate her narcissim. Do what you want, or don't keep it. A 4 year old doesn't need a digital frame full of pictures of her grandmother.

Just so you know, my mother is hugely narcissitic, too, and sent DD4 pictures of herself this Christmas. Framed pictures of herself that she printed off the computer onto non-photo paper, no less. So I'm familiar with this problem... It will only get worse if you aquiesce to her demands.

 

[ProgressCity]

Edit: Ok, I misread the OP, didn't realize it was the girl's grandmother. Ooops! That does make it a little weird and my former post is now pointless (when I thought it was the DD's biological mom).

 

[davidsprincess]

That is okay. I re-read my original post and it does sound like it was DD that was adopted!! The thing is, we don't refer to her as "grandma". It is just "Sally" (not real name, but you guys could figure that out)

I think I will go back and change it to "Sally" and it will be easier to understand.

 

[Imzadi]

Frankly, I would just stuff the frame in a junk drawer and forget about it until Grandma comes to visit again. Too much energy put into this one.

People take family photos of themselves all the time & send them to each other and no one thinks anything of it. I think part of the problem in this case is that you can digitally change out the pictures. Think of it this way, if Grandma just handed you a plain old, static paper picture of them in a frame, you'd either change out the picture, display it, or stick it in the junk drawer until she visits.

If you'd really prefer to use the frame for other pictures, is there a way to off load and save the current pictures into a file. Just keep it on your computer and when Grandma comes for a visit, just reload those pictures and any updates she wants into it. When she's gone, reload the pics you do want, (saved in a separate file,) back on. If this is possible, the process shouldnt take more than a couple minutes. It's like loading different playlists of songs onto an iPod.