To Elope or No? Need any and all advice!

[Rora]

*Sorry this is looong!*
Just a little background information: My DFiance and I have been together since I was a freshman in High School. His family was family friends with my family, I was friends with his sister, etc. The point is- we've been together a very long time and have always known we wanted to get married.

DFiance and I are trying to decide what to do about our wedding. We have been planning for awhile but wanted to wait until next year to get married so I could be finished getting my Masters degree. We have planned a lot but haven't deposited any money, sent out announcements, etc.

I go through phases of wanting a big, elaborate wedding (that I know I can't afford and would hate to make my parents spend so much on just one day that I probably won't remember much of simply due to excitement).

Then, I go through a time of wanting a teeny, tiny wedding with immediate family only. My DFiance would prefer the intimate wedding but has told me he would so much rather elope.
Honestly, eloping is looking good due to ease, cost, etc but I don't know how I feel..
1. My mother would be devestated- I'm an only child. She's been looking forward to this day since I was born. She is important to me and I want to make her as happy as possible, yet, I also realize that this is my life now..

2. I wonder if I would be disappointed I didn't have the whole wedding shebang. Elopements are romantic and sweet, but I can't help but wonder if I'd want centerpieces, a Maid of Honor, a first dance, etc.

3. I could have an at home reception when we return but I just know my
family's feelings will be hurt and although they would come, they wouldn't be happy campers.

The point: I would love to elope but my concerns I feel are valid.. I don't want to hurt my mom and I don't want to wonder "what if". At the same time, I just want to get married..today! And keep the cost low and make sure the day is truly about me and my husband. I know how easy it is to get caught up in other aspects of the day (guests enjoyment, food, what goes wrong, etc).
So, advice, first hand experiences, opinions?
Thank you all so much!

 

[Handbag Lady]

*Sorry this is looong!*
Just a little background information: My DFiance and I have been together since I was a freshman in High School. His family was family friends with my family, I was friends with his sister, etc. The point is- we've been together a very long time and have always known we wanted to get married.

DFiance and I are trying to decide what to do about our wedding. We have been planning for awhile but wanted to wait until next year to get married so I could be finished getting my Masters degree. We have planned a lot but haven't deposited any money, sent out announcements, etc.

I go through phases of wanting a big, elaborate wedding (that I know I can't afford and would hate to make my parents spend so much on just one day that I probably won't remember much of simply due to excitement).

Then, I go through a time of wanting a teeny, tiny wedding with immediate family only. My DFiance would prefer the intimate wedding but has told me he would so much rather elope.
Honestly, eloping is looking good due to ease, cost, etc but I don't know how I feel..
1. My mother would be devestated- I'm an only child. She's been looking forward to this day since I was born. She is important to me and I want to make her as happy as possible, yet, I also realize that this is my life now..

2. I wonder if I would be disappointed I didn't have the whole wedding shebang. Elopements are romantic and sweet, but I can't help but wonder if I'd want centerpieces, a Maid of Honor, a first dance, etc.

3. I could have an at home reception when we return but I just know my
family's feelings will be hurt and although they would come, they wouldn't be happy campers.

The point: I would love to elope but my concerns I feel are valid.. I don't want to hurt my mom and I don't want to wonder "what if". At the same time, I just want to get married..today! And keep the cost low and make sure the day is truly about me and my husband. I know how easy it is to get caught up in other aspects of the day (guests enjoyment, food, what goes wrong, etc).
So, advice, first hand experiences, opinions?
Thank you all so much!

Only you and your soon-to-be-husband can answer these questions.





Is it possible to do something inbetween a huge expensive wedding and an elopement?

Does anyone you know have a big house you can use? Is there a pretty park near you where people can pitch in to set-up and then have a home reception?

Can you do a justice-of-the-peace with everyone there that is important to you and then have a restaurant reception?


I would be very careful about this, but maybe ask your mom for advice? Maybe she would have ideas, too, to keep you from eloping. I'm sure if you did elope, mom would understand, but if you know NOW that she's been wanting to see you married, why cause a fuss?

But, you must remember it is your wedding and your future husband's wedding and no one else's.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I got married at the courthouse and we had family attend.

Heck there were people there in bridesmaids outfits and white wedding dresses getting married.

We got married by the judge and we all went out to dinner at Olive Garden.

Simple, sweet, and people that wanted to see us get married were there.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Another thing to consider is maybe doing a destination wedding.

You can invite just the few people important to you and have a very small affair. They can be found at some very reasonable prices, too.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My SIL is getting married next March. The ceremony is completely private--no attendants. Just whomever is performing the ceremony and their parents.

The reception is at an Aquarium. She literally announced that she is done planning her wedding. She's not all fancy and fru fru. But we are going to have one heck of a party.

That could be a compromise. Let your mom plan a party. Then she can pay for it.


I wouldn't elope to "avoid" a wedding. But if that is what I had my heart set on--I would just go for it.

I'm not a fan of running to the courthouse and gettin' hitched. So we didn't do that.

My sister did a destination wedding--a partial elopement as anyone was welcome along but there was nothing formal about the process. The "reception" was a dinner at a fancy restaurant that we all agreed was unnecessary. (people didn't like the menu despite us passing it around. I guess they thought her heart was set on it.)


I had a wedding (not of my dreams--but within my means. ).

I wanted oceanfront--got it.

Church--didn't get it, church renovation behind schedule so priest went with us to any other parish of our choice--ended up being close to the reception.

I wanted mickey mouse centerpieces that were simple--got it.

A specific cake--got it.

Flowers that I wasn't allergic to --- got it.

I would have worried less over how many folks were attending (obsessing of needing at least ____ [people) and not caring if I had attendants or not.

The only thing I would have changed that I couldn't was doing my ceremony privately with our priest and then having a reception/party through WDW weddings (we live close enough to Orlando that it woudl not have been a destination weddings.) However their rules were much more strict--with specific $$$$ minimums and room booking minimums at the time. Something we just couldn't do.

I find it important to do something memorable--but what I want and not what family members want.

 

[metalis4ever]

All of your concerns about eloping are valid...My DW and I were ready to elope in 2007. Upon reflection we realized that although we are adults and it was ultimately our decision the risk of disappointing her Father (she is the only daughter) was too great so we decided to have a small wedding instead. We did the wedding our way and very non-traditional and had about 100 guests between family and friends. I was the one who was pushing for the elope and after all was said in done I was the happiest that we didn't, because the look on my now Father-In laws face when he danced with his married Daughter for the first time was worth the aggravation of having to put together and pay for a wedding. Having said that you can get away with a small wedding for fairly cheap especially if you have your wedding and reception in the same place. Make a budget that's what we did we set a budget of less than 8,000 for everything honeymoon included and although we bumped right up against it we did not go over, the key is shop around especially in the current economic environment you should be able to get some great deals

So to sum it up My opinion is you only live once so enjoy every bit of it trust me although a wedding seems like a bad idea now it will turn out to be one of the happiest days of your life.

 

[PatsGirl]

I was also caught in the "don't want to spend my life savings on a wedding" not to mention the stress involved vs. eloping dilemma... and opted for a small, private wedding with immediate family and very close friends only. I had my sister as my MOH and my ex had his best friend since childhood. No flower child or ring bearer, no church flowers or rice-throwing, and I walked myself down the aisle to save my father from having to rent a tuxedo (which he hated at my sisters' wedding, lol). It was intimate and special... we then splurged on a two-week honeymoon but if you know wedding prices, this hardly cost what an elaborate wedding would have. In my case, it wasn't even really the money, I did not want the stress

 

[DisneyLover83]

My DH and I eloped in 2006 and to date I have no regrets. It is about you and your DFiance and no one else. We saved thousands of dollars and had a quiet, meaningful ceremony in Eureka Springs, AR in a chapel just him and I, no headaches, no family bickering, just us. We discussed it with both sets of parents well before hand so no one's feelings were hurt and there was no misunderstandings.

 

[golfgal]

You can still have a "big" wedding without spending a fortune. Look around at "unique" places to hold your reception--church social halls, VFW clubs, the local armory, etc. Often those places can be rented out for very little money-our community center has a hall that you can rent for $400/night-seats 400. You can find a caterer that doesn't cost all that much, find a reasonably priced dress, etc. You could easily put on a 'fancy' wedding for under $5000 if you put a little leg work into it.

Not that you have to have a wedding but since you thought you wanted that and price seems to be holding you back you might want to look into a way to make it work.

 

[diznygirl]

In some families, eloping can be a way to avoid a whole lot of heartache. In other families, eloping can cause a whole lot of heartache.

If yours is one of those families that would be heartbroken to not be able to share this day with you, then maybe you can find a way to have a small, simple, inexpensive ceremony. In the long run the planning will be worth it.

 

[Serena]

To put this simply, this is up to you.

church, other venues, even outside
big wedding
medium wedding
small wedding

Destination, JP, or a combination of it all.


My suggestion is to start with a list of who you really want to be there. If that is just you and your hubby to be, that is ok. If you want a few more, that's ok too.
I would pick a time of year that you want to do this, do you have a date in mind that is special? For example hurricane season on the east coast with an outside wedding may not be a good idea.

If you don't want to spend much money, then a big wedding would not be a good idea.

Start simple and expand from there.

 

[TriMom]

This is my story, take what ever you want from it:

When my DH and I anounced our engagement, my mom blurted out I will give you $5000 to elope! I was conviced that I wanted a wedding, but I knew that I wanted a sweet simple outdoor flower garden type wedding. We ended up getting married in my mom's front yard, and we held the reception in her back yard. Very beautiful, very sweet, very inexpensive. Due to finding an amazing deal on my wedding dress ($68), my entire wedding cost about $500. We catered the food via Sam's. I bought the wedding cake from a full time nurse, part time baker (I went to the ER to pick out my wedding cake! It's one of my favorite wedding stories). We bought the flowers from a cash and carry place and made bouquets and center pieces. We rented a tent and a couple of tables. I made the invitations myself - they were beautiful, unique and didn't cost much at all. I had about 50 people attend, and had a great time.

Some days I look back on it and wish I had taken my mom up on the opportunity to spend 2 weeks in Jamaica and come home married. Other days I would have "reception envy" - wishing I had a big party. Reception envy quickly went away after being the Matron of Honor at my sister's $11,000 wedding. The planning and problems, and whole thing was just not worth it. It was so much money and it still didn't turn out the way she wanted it to. She later said that she had wished she had done a small wedding.

Hope some of this helps in your decision, and congrats on your marriage - whatever you decide!

 

[Serena]

This is my story, take what ever you want from it:

When my DH and I anounced our engagement, my mom blurted out I will give you $5000 to elope! I was conviced that I wanted a wedding, but I knew that I wanted a sweet simple outdoor flower garden type wedding. We ended up getting married in my mom's front yard, and we held the reception in her back yard. Very beautiful, very sweet, very inexpensive. Due to finding an amazing deal on my wedding dress ($68), my entire wedding cost about $500. We catered the food via Sam's. I bought the wedding cake from a full time nurse, part time baker (I went to the ER to pick out my wedding cake! It's one of my favorite wedding stories). We bought the flowers from a cash and carry place and made bouquets and center pieces. We rented a tent and a couple of tables. I made the invitations myself - they were beautiful, unique and didn't cost much at all. I had about 50 people attend, and had a great time.

Some days I look back on it and wish I had taken my mom up on the opportunity to spend 2 weeks in Jamaica and come home married. Other days I would have "reception envy" - wishing I had a big party. Reception envy quickly went away after being the Matron of Honor at my sister's $11,000 wedding. The planning and problems, and whole thing was just not worth it. It was so much money and it still didn't turn out the way she wanted it to. She later said that she had wished she had done a small wedding.

Hope some of this helps in your decision, and congrats on your marriage - whatever you decide!

My wedding almost 30 years ago was very similar. He came back from basic training/ait said he had 20 days before he was leaving for germany. We got married in 10 days. In my parents backyard. A judge pro-tem, woman no less, married us. His parents freaked about that and many other things. He got married in his dress uniform. I got married in my prom dress, which looked more like a wedding dress anyway. My maid of honor and all the guests, just wore their best clothes.
My flowers were done at a florist and were awful, I said peach and ended up with orange pumpkin colored flowers. And they were put somewhere and froze. My mom's bestfriend was a florist and redid them for me. I should have asked her anyway.
The tables and chairs were borrowed. In fact almost everything was borrowed.
We had cake and lunchmeat, cheeses and crackers. His aunt and grandma played the organ for us. The photographer was a family friend. The honeymoon night was also a gift.
My dad and hubby-to-be built and painted the trellis we were married under.

We stayed married 23 years.

 

[Imzadi]

In some families, eloping can be a way to avoid a whole lot of heartache. In other families, eloping can cause a whole lot of heartache.

It sounds like your main reason for eloping is about the money aspect.

Whereas, it does sound like you still have a lot of reasons to want some type of wedding.

You mentioned not only would your mother be heartbroken, but they'd be willing to pay NOT to be heartbroken.

I used to work for one of THE high-end, celebrity/multi-billionaire clients caterers in NYC. Clients include Donald Trump. I've worked at some wedding receptions that could fund an entire empoverished village for a year. Talk about elaborate excess & overkill. (Yes, they can afford it, so why not.) I've actually worked the reception of the joining of two children of two of the richest families in the U.S. getting married. It was like the Princess of France marrying the King of England. I actually thought there should be a law against that when two families are so rich, that a rich person has to marry a poor person just to spread the wealth.

I also worked for a small, in-house church caterer for a while. They would have the wedding ceremony at the church and then have the reception in the rented church hall afterwards. One wedding was so sparce, the food was only hors d'eouvers and then a homemade wedding cake was brought in. There was maybe 50 guests total.

I can honestly say, that couple was just as happy as the rich families were. They didn't put their finances into tremendous debt. I think they were also finishing school. Their closest family & friends who truly supported them were there and who actually meant something to them. The brides dress was simple, long & white. She looked beautiful. And you could tell they were deeply in love. It was a celebration with family & friends who understood what it was really about.

It's not about the size or how elaborate of a wedding. Maybe think about doing something that won't break your parents bank account or their hearts, will not be an elaborate nightmare to orchestrate, and will satisfy your needs to have the dress, bridesmaids, some flowers, etc., that you would regret not having otherwise.

Also, if you haven't seen it already, rent Sex & The City, the movie. Even if you never watched the TV series, you'll be able to relate to some of the movie.

 

[Scurvy]

Your post sounds like my thoughts when my husband and I were trying to decide about our wedding. We ended up deciding not to elope - I thought I would really regret excluding my parents and sister from my wedding if I eloped. We had a very small ceremony in our church with immediate family and a very few friends (who we thought of as family), and it was perfect. We each had one attendant (my sister and his best friend), we had a wedding cake and flowers and some of the trimmings but we kept it very small and simple. We planned it in about 3 months and that was mostly because we were waiting for a school break (we were in college). If we hadn't wanted to wait till we had a long weekend we could have married even sooner. We spent very little time and money on the whole thing. If I could do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[Pooh Crew]

I've written a couple responses and deleted them all because they come across sounding very anti-wedding and very pro-elopement, but I finally decided to just tell you my story and let you take from it what you will.

I had a wedding (about 200 people) because my fiance kept telling me I'd regret it if I didn't. It was a miserable experience. No one liked anything, no one would agree on anything, everyone fought over every little detail, and the day turned out to be about everyone *except* me. So much animosity built up during the planning of this event that I fully believe it played a huge part in the demise of my marriage less than a year later. It was a miserable experience.

Flash forward a few years. I met a wonderful man and we decided to get married. We also decided that our wedding day would be about us and the commitment we were making to one another. We were married by a minister in a cabin on the side of a mountain overlooking a beautiful lake. It was just the two of us. It was romantic and loving and wonderful. It was truly a day about US.

Yes, my mom was disappointed to not have been there, and she still teases me about it, but I know that she is happy for us and realizes that it's not the wedding that is important, but the marriage. Dh and I are still happily married almost 20 years later and I have never once regretted our elopement.

FWIW, I am also an only child.

Good luck with your decision. I have three girls and would not be disappointed at all if they chose to elope! I consider it to be very romantic!

 

[Disney Doll]

You can do something between a big blowout and elopement that will be a lobely wedding and not break the bank or your mother's heart...and let me be the first to say that while a wedding is about the couple, it is also about the extended family and those who love the couple too.

Think church and backyard reception with just hors d'ourvres and soft drinks...no liquor as that runs up the bill.

A wedding I went to several years ago was quite lovely...they got married in a park and the reception was in the bride's cousin's back yard, which was a lovely setting. The bride did her invitations herself...she did her flowers herself...bought them at the grocery store literally...she carried just a simple bouquet of wildflowers, her centerpieces were just simple bouquets of wildflowers, her attendants carried simple bouquets of wildflowers. The wedding was catered, very heavy hors d'ourvres, soft drinks, beer, wine, coffee, tea, cake. A great DJ and everyone had a great time and it was less than $5000 for about 100-125 people.

Sometimes we get very caught up in we "have to" have a full bar, we "have to" have a band, we "have to" have...whatever.

You have to have the people there that you love and you have to have something that celebrates your love for each other and your family.

 

[quentina]

*Sorry this is looong!*
Just a little background information: My DFiance and I have been together since I was a freshman in High School. His family was family friends with my family, I was friends with his sister, etc. The point is- we've been together a very long time and have always known we wanted to get married.

DFiance and I are trying to decide what to do about our wedding. We have been planning for awhile but wanted to wait until next year to get married so I could be finished getting my Masters degree. We have planned a lot but haven't deposited any money, sent out announcements, etc.

I go through phases of wanting a big, elaborate wedding (that I know I can't afford and would hate to make my parents spend so much on just one day that I probably won't remember much of simply due to excitement).

Then, I go through a time of wanting a teeny, tiny wedding with immediate family only. My DFiance would prefer the intimate wedding but has told me he would so much rather elope.
Honestly, eloping is looking good due to ease, cost, etc but I don't know how I feel..
1. My mother would be devestated- I'm an only child. She's been looking forward to this day since I was born. She is important to me and I want to make her as happy as possible, yet, I also realize that this is my life now..

2. I wonder if I would be disappointed I didn't have the whole wedding shebang. Elopements are romantic and sweet, but I can't help but wonder if I'd want centerpieces, a Maid of Honor, a first dance, etc.

3. I could have an at home reception when we return but I just know my
family's feelings will be hurt and although they would come, they wouldn't be happy campers.

The point: I would love to elope but my concerns I feel are valid.. I don't want to hurt my mom and I don't want to wonder "what if". At the same time, I just want to get married..today! And keep the cost low and make sure the day is truly about me and my husband. I know how easy it is to get caught up in other aspects of the day (guests enjoyment, food, what goes wrong, etc).
So, advice, first hand experiences, opinions?
Thank you all so much!

Personally, I think big weddings are a waste of $$$$. Mine was $20,000 in 1994 and after the day was over...it just seemed like a waste (it was fun, beautiful etc), I would have used the money to buy a home.

Have you looked into getting married on a cruise? It is reasonable (Disney is $2500, others are around $1500) plus the cost of the trip itself.

I have been letting my kids know about this for a few years, oldest is 12, I am prepping him....I would rather give money towards a house purchase.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[hopemax]

There are lots of things in between elopement and big wedding.

My Mom said growing up in her small town meant a ceremony followed by cake and punch in the church basement.

A friend of my Mom's had a small wedding at a tiny little "hitching post" chapel. Is there something like that in your area?

Another friend got married at her MIL's house.

Another friend, a Bed & Breakfast

Last year, DH's cousin had a medium size wedding, but the whole shebang. But most of the guests are unaware that they did the "official" wedding at the rehearsal the day before. They each had one attendant, their parents and the officiant. Something like that might satisfy your private elopement, while still having a ceremony and party for everyone else.

 

[MrsPete]

Is it possible to do something inbetween a huge expensive wedding and an elopement?

I was going to say the same thing. Speaking only for myself, I really wanted a wedding, and I would be regretful if I hadn't had one. I'd suggest that you plan a small, intimate wedding that includes all the things you really want. If the music matters tremendously to you, then go all-out on that and make everything else simple. If the dress IS the wedding in your eyes, splurge on that, but skimp on the other things. Keep your guest list to family and very close friends. Have one attendant. Skip the dancing. A mid-point between an extravagance you can't afford and eloping would likely make you happy both now and later.

To some degree, I disagree with the folks who say, "It's your day, do exactly what you want." Yes, it IS your day, but it's also your parents' day -- your parents and his parents. They've raised you, they've done a great deal for you, and you said that your mom really wants to see you have a wedding. It's ALSO her day. Yes, to a lesser extent, but it is also for her. I would be very hurt if my girls came back from a week's vacation and told me that they'd opted to leave me out've one of the biggest moments of their lives.

Very beautiful, very sweet, very inexpensive. Due to finding an amazing deal on my wedding dress ($68), my entire wedding cost about $500.

I think my wedding totaled about $1500. Looking back, I think we spent every dollar wisely because it certainly looked like more!

Sometimes we get very caught up in we "have to" have a full bar, we "have to" have a band, we "have to" have...whatever.

Yep, and that's where people get into the upset feelings and overblown budgets.

One of the nicest weddings I've attended -- well, I was going to write recently, but I should say ever -- was a relative who'd been married before and who had a very nice at-home wedding. It was springtime. They built a gazebo in their backyard for the ceremony. The wedding cake was in the carport, a casual BBQ (which here in the South means pulled pork, not hot dogs and hamburgers) was served in the front yard, and tubs of beer and soft drinks were scattered about the driveway. A bluegrass band played from the front porch, and a few tables were set up nearby. They appeared to have splurged on flowers, but I knew that the flowers decking the gazebo had been assembled from grocery store bouquets. It was all very inexpensive, but tasteful in a very casual way . . . and not a bit of "we have to have".