To Christians,

[Amy]

I agree with the others - don't set a bunch of "rules" or you're never going to find "The One". DH and I will be married 19 years this year, and we have our differences. I was into football and he could care less. He likes camping and fishing, and I REFUSE to go camping and won't bait a hook. He's into the History Channel, and I like TV Land. I love music, and he's tone deaf. But those are minor things and what keeps us interesting to each other.

We ARE compatible on the "big" issues: we're Christians (he was Catholic and I'm Lutheran, now we're both Lutheran); our values and morals are the same, we pretty much agree on how to raise our boys. And neither of us smokes or drinks too much or does drugs. Those are the big things that can make or break a relationship.

You should seriously consider the big issues, and don't worry about the little stuff like age, or which sports team he roots for. As long as you are compatible on the biggies, who cares about the little stuff?

 

[mrsapalm]

Honestly, you won't want to marry someone who doesn't have prior experience in a relationship. It makes for a very rocky time as he has to learn the ins-and-outs of how to be in/handle a relationship.
I think you are contradicting yourself - you can pray for someone to be delivered to you, OR you can seek someone who meets your high demand list. But you can't do both - you can seek help or guidance through prayer, but you can't establish guidelines on how you want to be helped. If you are a member of a church and are having trouble with these distinctions, you might want to consult your preacher/priest/clergyman. I'm sure they can lead you in the right direction.
-AP

 

[luvmy2sams]

Lots of great advice here. I'll echo the sentiment with something our pastor stated in his sermon yesterday morning....God doesn't need our good ideas.

Speaking as another Baptist, we're not all bad. Give us a chance! Being a sooner on the other hand....

 

[Jenzebelle]

I think you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

By automatically dismissing people because they don't meet certain criteria, you are keeping yourself from making friends with potentially wonderful people. Even if he isn't "the one", he might have a friend that could be. By passing up a chance to expand your inner circle of friends and acquaintances, you're limiting your ability to meet new people and expand your horizons.

You can't go on each date with the expectation that this is going to be the One. Not only does it put undue stress on the date, guys will see it as desperation and run. You need to relax and let things happen.

You would be amazed at how differences can be overcome with love. My DH is someone I would never expect I would fall in love with, let alone marry. He is completely different from anyone I had dated before and you know what? it works. He was raised southern baptist - I'm a lapsed Catholic. He was raised in a loving family - I wasn't. He's a soccer fan - soccer bores me. He loves sci fi and abhores historical dramas - I love history. Our differences make us special to each other.

And finally, about the not having any previous girlfriends. Not only is that pretty much impossible, you really might want to consider whether or not it's a good idea for 2 people with no experiences with the opposite sex in a relationship is a good thing.

 

[disykat]

My dh is 5 years younger than me. We married when I was 29. He had never had a relationship. I had several, but hadn't slept with them. He came from a non-denominational fundamentalist background, I grew up Lutheran. We have very different interests and hobbies.

However, we both believe in Christ, we have similar lifestyles, similar expectations of family life, similar financial goals - we're a good match.

I agree about the relationship thing. Although I don't hold it against my dh that he had no relationships with women (I do think it's wise to figure out why though - in my dh's case he's just kind of nerdy and never really sought one out until he was through college and met me!), in many ways it would be easier if he had. The only females my dh can compare me to are his mother and an older sister - and they are two peas in a pod. For example, it took me several years to convince him I don't like to shop. He thought all women were like his limited experience and many things about me have been a surprise to him.

If he had dated he would have known his girlfriends and their friends too - a much broader exposure to women. I sometimes worry that in his head the grass is greener elsewhere... since he doesn't have negative experiences with other women to remember when I'm driving him nuts.

My advice to you would be to relax and enjoy your 20's! God has a plan for you and wants you to enjoy life, whether marriage is in the plans or not. Just be open and see what happens.

 

[SonjaB]

I knew when I saw the list of dating criteria Jeff in Big D would be posting here somewhere! LOL!

Maybe you guys can compare lists?

I'm with the poster that said "God doesn't need our good ideas". I'm pretty sure He knows what's best.

By the way, I'm a Baptist and my fiancee' lives in Oklahoma. Be careful what you say around here, chances are, if you're insulting something, you're hitting home for someone.

 

[Disney Doll]

Girlfriend, you've gotta chill!!!!!! You have a list there that no mortal man could ever live up to!!!!!

First off, you have only HEARD about this guy, haven't met him, haven't spoken to him. You're in your mid-20's, have never had a boyfriend or a guy interested in you. Maybe it's because you're so intense about exactly what a man has to be. Relax and just meet guys, and see where it goes. A guy can spot a desperate woman a mile away.

Religious differences could be a biggie, depending on how much of a practicing Anglican you are vs. how much of a practicing Baptist he is, and how willing you two are to be tolerant/respectful of each other's religions, SHOULD YOU GET TO THAT POINT.

Regarding your numbered thoughts:
1. So you're single and you ask if guys mentioned in conversation are single. No different from any other person there.

2.Hopefully you're being a little "tongue-in-cheek" about this UT/Oklahoma thing and would not actually use this as a basis for accepting/rejecting someone who might otherwise be perfect for you. If you aren't kidding, then you're too immature to be in a relationship, let alone be married.

3. The pool is bogger than you think it is if you relax some of the requirements.

4. I don't know that I'd consider it a "positive" that he's in his 20's and has never had a girlfriend. That would make me look long and hard at him, his lifestyle, and what's going on there. Seems a little unusual to me.

5. Age is a number, that's it. His level of maturity is what counts.

6. You're doing it again!!!!!! Talking about MARRYING a guy you haven't met!!!!!!!!

One question for my own curiousity...why did he turn down a Harvard scholarship?????? I'm hearing a little warning bell in my head.

Assuming he is not your future husband, I think God is trying to tell you to RELAX!!!!!!!!! Build your life around you, things you enjoy, develop your own interests and the rest will come. You cannot depend on someone else to make you happy.

I have a co-wrker who was much like you in her younger days(we've worked together for 20 years). Had a long list of what a man "had" to be for her to consider dating him. Now she's 42, unmarried, and living with her mother. She dated quite a few nice fellas in her day, but none of them met all of her criteria for husband material, so she dropped them. One of them may have been him, had she given him the chance. Now she's older, set in her ways, I think pathologically attached to her mother, with little or no social life other than going to the casino with...you guessed it...her mother!!!!!

I met my DH at a time in my life when I was completely not man-focused (previous relationship had been a difficult breakup, so I was not thrilled with men in general). No desperation at all, if anything, I was probably more keeping men at arm's length. But I met DH, and we started dating slowly and nicely and go to know each other. We have our differences. I'm perfect, he;s not , but on the important issues, we either agree or agree to respect our differences.

Hopefully, I haven't been offensive, because I haven't meant to be. But you have to relax, and enjoy meeting people, and let it go where it goes.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Decide what's most important. The perfect person doesn't exist. They won't have 100% of the qualities you look for. That goes for everyone. He gave up a scholarship to Harvard to go to OU? Are you sure he's as smart as you think he is? Just kidding. And I wouldn't worry about it until you've actually met and have gotten to know each other. I would probably choose the important things and scrap the rest. He may surprise you!

 

[EltonJohn]

Originally posted by bumcat
Dear God: Please find me a boyfriend but on my very strict terms. Here's the list God.......Now remember God they have to be just like this....

Let me clarify my position. I do have a list, characteristics that I'd prefer my husband to have. He does not neccesarily have to have these characteristics, but it would be great if he did. I have also another list which is set in stone though.

I have a question: you want someone that has never had a bf. Okay, what if you date this guy but he's not the one. Is he then considered no good to others because he had you as a gf for a while? I mean if you date guys and then it doesn't work out where will that leave you since you wont be someones first gf?

Again, I must stress that this is not essential, it is a very strong preference. Why? Often, men with a lot of past GFs have a lot of baggage, and I don't want to deal with that. I won't meet very many men that don't have past GFs, but when I do than that is a very strong plus.

What if later you meet a great guy and he wants to marry you but finds out you had bf's before him and decides he cant marry you because you had other bf's. Sorry but I think that would be very shallow thinking on his part.

Well, if we are at the point discussing marriage, than we would have already discused past relationships.

Thanks for responding.

diane

 

[EltonJohn]

Originally posted by Jeff in BigD
My mom's always on the lookout for me. My friends are frustrated with me because they feel that I'm too picky & perhaps I am, not so much looks-wise, but more intelligence & personality-wise.

So you live in the Metroplex too

Just teasing, I don't meet anyone through the internet.

Thank you for your advice though.

diane

 

[EltonJohn]

Originally posted by ennazus
I thought my future husband would have dark hair... silly me! God had planned for a blond haired love to enter my life.

ennazus,

You hit the nail squarely on the head! Does God like irony?

diane

 

[FOJMO]

...is PATIENCE (on your part).

I found out a long time ago that you should never be "trying to find someone." Live your life, follow your beliefs, get involved in what interests you, and your "someone" will just happen.

No amount of praying is going to bring him to you. You can't pray FOR things -- everything is fixed and you can't change it! You can only pray for the patience and understanding until it happens.

I just hope you're as "perfect" to your future mate as you expect HIM to be!!!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I have read this thread with interest today. It's neat to see every one's different religious backgrounds showing. It's my belief that you can pray for anything, the answer you get may not be the exact one you are looking for, but you do get an answer in God's time.

As to the OP, I think it's ok to pray for the right person to come into your life, of course that right person may not meet your requirements you have right now. But that can all change too. The one thing I have learned is to give God time, that when you try and rush things that YOU think are right, they don't work out very well. God has someone for you, you just have to be patient. It will be worth it. Keep an open heart and an open mind.

 

[EltonJohn]

Originally posted by browneyes
You're already planning a wedding before you meet the guy? Maybe that's why you haven't met Mr. Right yet. Stuff like that scares men away.

I'm curious, where did you get <I>that</i> impression?

The reason that my pool of candidates is small (i.e. I don't meet very many men) is because I'm presently looking for another church, and I'm applying for graduate programs. Basically, there are <I>no</i> men to scare off in the first place.

No previous girlfriends? Why?

Essentially, it is because I haven't had a BF, and hence, I have no baggage. It is just a very strong <I>preference</I>. I do believe that God can grant me this desire.

diane

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by EltonJohn
[BEssentially, it is because I haven't had a BF, and hence, I have no baggage. It is just a very strong <I>preference</I>. I do believe that God can grant me this desire.

diane
[/B]

Daine,
I understand your reasoning in this, but experience in maintining relationships would also be lost along with the baggage, and that experience is worth alot. In my opinion everyone has baggage that effects relationships, even people who have never been in one before. You know what is best for you, but I think the overwhelming opinion here is that this preference is one you might want to re-examine.

 

[ChiTownZee]

When I think of baggage I think of ex-wives/husbands, children, mothers/fathers of those children, alimony, child payments. THAT'S baggage. Having dated, that's a small evening purse AT MOST.

 

[denisem]

EltonJohn:

I'm curious...could you define what you mean by "baggage" in reference to prior relationships?

Thanks!

Denise

 

[cardaway]

Essentially, it is because I haven't had a BF, and hence, I have no baggage. It is just a very strong preference. I do believe that God can grant me this desire.

Another Elton John once said...

"I think it's going to be a long long time."

 

[EltonJohn]

Originally posted by FOJMO
...is PATIENCE (on your part).

Oh no, I'm not getting suckered into praying for pateince again My strong advice: don't pray for patience unless you <I>absolutely</I> need it. When you pray for patience expect bad things to happen.

I have been extremely patient for the first BF to arrive, let alone my mate.

I found out a long time ago that you should never be "trying to find someone." Live your life, follow your beliefs, get involved in what interests you, and your "someone" will just happen.

I tried that, and it has not worked in my case. (I'm even a Baylor grad.) I still go to churches, get involved in activites, etc., and I have still have <I>never</i> met anyone. I don't go around looking for him everyday, but I do have my eyes open After all, I am a Iowa Hawkeye.

Pax Christi,
diane

 

[becka]

The biggest piece of baggage that has come with my DH is his family not his ex-girlfriends. I think that is pretty universal.

His Mom continues to drive me crazy but those ex-girlfriends are history. Even with his crazy Mom I still would not have ever considered not getting married to him. All relationships have baggage even with people who have not had relationships in the past. If you are waiting for someone without baggage you are going to be waiting for a very long time - possibly forever.

It just sounds to me like you have super high unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is really like. Just because someone has all of the right characteristics on paper doesn't mean that it will work and vice versa. It is fine to have deal breakers and preferences but I think you are limiting yourself a little too much.