Throwing Family Baby Shower is it the Best Friends Job??

[bigsis1970]

Hi this might turn into a debate not sure but here is my delima !!

My best friend for the last 4.5 years is having a baby - she is 34 like me . Her family lives in Mass, RI, and FL , there is her hubby's family here in Maine ,his mom and his brother and sister in law.

For the past 2 weeks I have been listening to from my friend When you plan my shower be sure to include this person and make sure to do this and on and on . So yesterday she say I talked to my mom yesterday and she said to make sure YOU let my aunt H know ASAP about my shower cause so and so is having a baby about the same time as me .. and then walked away .. i was like UGH .. so then this morning she says Hubby says to make sure you e-mail him when YOU get all the details of my shower worked out so he can make his mom and sis in law help you !! finally i just said Friend its not my job to do this, its a family thing - she got mad - face all red and said loudly (AT WORK no less) then i just won't be having one and i said but i don't have $$ to plan a big 2 family shower for you i was only planning on a small friend party and then she repeated her self and stormed off this was 9am its now 2pm and she hasn't talked to me again today! (very odd for us)

so tell me what you think !!!

 

[Kimberle]

I don't think it is anyones *job* to plan a shower. We do so because we want to, not because we have to.

If she's not normally like "this", then I guess I'd give her a break and blame it on hormons.....

 

[Maleficent13]

Technically, (as in Miss Manners says so), I don't think a family member is supposed to host a shower.

But that doesn't mean she should have just assumed you would take on that responsibility. Seems pretty presumptious, but then again, I don't know how close you two are.

 

[Patty3]

I also agree that we plan a shower because we want to. Now, if it is a bridal shower, in my family, the bridesmaids give the shower with help from either the brides mom or the gooms mom. As for a baby shower, my mom had my shower. In my family, it would be a relative that would have the shower unless a friend decided to do it, very rare. Showers are expensive these days no matter how you try to cut the cost. I think that your friend is wrong and should be happy that you are planning a small friend party.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I don't think it is anyones *job* to plan a shower. We do so because we want to, not because we have to.

If she's not normally like "this", then I guess I'd give her a break and blame it on hormons.....

I also don't think it'a any one person who plans the shower. Whoever is more involled amd enjoys doing it is how we did it.
It seems it is mostly the girls parents and her family that plan it in my neighborhood.

 

[snoopy]

I gave both my best friend and my sister their baby showers, my best friend gave me mine.

I think it comes down to whomever wants to throw the shower, does. If she doesn't have anyone else to give her one, and her friendship is important to you, I'd consider going along with her wishes. Since her family is not in the area, she might be feeling a bit alone, particularly if this is her first baby.

 

[disykat]

It would seem weird to me if the parents (grandparents of the baby) planned one, but I figure anyone else could. I certainly don't think it's anyone's "job". Your friend is WAY OUT OF LINE! I think it makes perfect sense that you would plan a small friend shower with your circle of friends and family would do seperate.

I was thrown several showers. My friends at church had one, my friends at work had one, and my neighbors had another. My "best friend" wasn't even invited to them since she is a college buddy and lives in another town. She and her dh just came to visit when the baby was born - bearing gifts. Same with family since they also live out of town (out of state actually).

My bridal shower experience was the same - I was "showered" seperately by different groups.

 

[CEDmom]

No one should be made to throw a shower. You do so because you want to and are able to. Also no one should be told how the shower should be done. If you wanted advice of who to invite etc I'm sure you would have thought to contact her husband for help. It sounds like your friend is a little full of herself.

 

[Deb in IA]

Did you offer to throw a baby shower for her? Maybe she thought she was just giving you helpful lists of who to invite . . .

I've always heard that family members should NOT be the ones having a shower . . . makes them look like they are just wanting gifts for their relatives . . . and that it should be the friends who have the shower. But who knows? Maybe that's changed . . .

 

[bananiem]

Would you consider doing a mailing shower? We've done several of these within my dh's side of the family because we're spread all over the US. The "planner" sends "invitations" to send a gift to arrive the week of such-and-such. The mom and dad to be come home from work all week to find a few presents to open from friends and family far and wide.

 

[Christine]

I believe that "etiquette" states that a friend should give the shower and not a family member; however, your friend sounds like she's way past having ANYTHING to do with etiquette!!! While it may be true that a best friend would be the most likely candidate to host a shower, it is not an obligation and it is certainly BAD MANNERS for a mom-to-be to expect anything from anyone. Her family members should be contacting you or you should be contacting them. She's supposed to mind her manners.

 

[marlasmom]

I hate it when family members give a shower although my DIL's ever-so-correct mother did 2 for her wedding and 2 for the first baby - even going so far to invite people from as far away as Atlanta (they were in New Hampshire). My dd has had 3 showers - 1 from fellow executives at her work and friends, 1 at work, 1 from church friends and my DIL's work had one for him. None of these were terribly elaborate or expensive and I don't think they have to be - just finger foods and punch. Unless of course you are my DIL's mother and give the other mother an extensive "order" for things to buy.

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

So you did plan on throwing her a shower, but choosing who to invite yourself (friends only---no family?)

It sounds like a misunderstanding. If this is the only shower that anyone is planning on hosting for her, then of course she would want her family to be invited. And the two that she said would "help" would probably share your expenses.

That said, it is certainly up to you whether or not you want to "host" the shower. But I don't think you should tell her who to invite if you do host one---although you could give her a maximum number of guests to go by.

Good luck!!! I hope it works out for you all!

 

[bigsis1970]

Ok in my family - the showers were given by my family .. on my Ex's side they also hosted one .. my friends were all invited to either ..

I was planning a small one - for friends and some co-workers we are both friendly with .. I never told her that though and never said anything about hosting one with their families..

I think she assumed that because i was her maid of honor and threw her bridal shower which of course included her family and his family - as a maid should - that it was also required i do this one and that is what is really the bone of contention for me .. I was going to do one just no the big grand scale of 50 people that she is / was expecting me to do

and yes i would consider doing a mailing one but right now i am so upset that she just assumed i was going to have a grand affair that i don't feel like even considering it ..

 

[skuttle]

I'm an only child, so my friends planned my wedding and baby shower. One of my friend's is having a baby in May and I am helping plan/host the shower with her sister, cousin, and two other friends.

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

I would just be honest with her. But I wouldn't dicate who she can invite. In other words, you could tell her that you weren't planning on throwing her a big shower but would be glad to have a small get together for 15 people or so. Then let her decide who those 15 people would be (probably family if this is her only shower)

Another idea: tell her you are sorry, but you just won't be able to be the primary hostess as you have too much going right now. However, you might consider "helping" someone else "co-host" the shower.

Around here, most showers are hosted by 6 different people or so because it is a big job for one person.

 

[leahannpen]

Sticky situation. In my area/circle of family & friends, the friends do the showers. If a friend in unwilling or unable, I'm sure the family would then do it. When I threw my BF's shower, the parents on both sides did help, though her mom took a lot of burden off of me cost wise, so I was lucky that way. I also enlisted two other good friends to help. You can't be afraid to delegate.

Maybe she did assume, and just never thought you wouldn't...and now she's embarrased, ya know? Plus, I'm sure her emotions/hormones are all over the place. Put yourself in her shoes for just a minute and think how you'd feel if you were her. She probably feels stupid now. Try talking to her. Say you misunderstood her. Communicate and figure this out...after all, you said she's your best friend. Good luck.

 

[bigsis1970]

I really like the idea of the "mailing shower" and i think I will suggest that when things calm down. I did not get any help money or otherwise when i threw her bridal shower (i had a total of about 40 people ) and I do not expect to get any for the baby shower - i do not have a large house and would have to rent a space (again as I did before )to include the families plus to get snacks and drinks would be more then I could handle (i am a single mom of 2 kids one that plays Hockey till the end of april then its Ball season and they both play ) so my time is rather tight too.

I would not mind taking her to Mass or ever RI if that is where they wanted the shower but i just can't do it alone !! which so far her, her hubby and her parents happen to think i am ..

I guess I will just wait it out for a while and see what happens . she isn't due till July 12th so i have plenty of time to plan.. Thanks for all your helpful hints and advise as always you all are a good source of info.. Michelle

 

[Mandabella]

I agree with others, whoever has the time, money and interest should plan the baby shower. I don't think you should expect the best friend or the family or anyone to do it. If you get one or several showers, be grateful....not every mom to be gets one!

Little story...
My mom made a huge mistake in giving my SIL a baby shower. It was her 7th month and her first child and *NO ONE* and I mean *NO ONE* had one planned for her yet. Not her family and not her friends, my brother was worried there would be no baby shower for his first child. So my mom and aunt felt someone needed to do something for her, so they planned a shower and lots of people came and it went well. Or so we thought... Then SIL's mom was upset because my mom, the mother in law, threw her daughter a shower before her. Fact is, SIL's mother told my mom she had no plans on doing a shower nor did any of her friends when my mom brought up the subject. SIL thinks my mom had no right to throw her a baby shower....some people can be so ungrateful.

 

[CinderellaIam]

Shower Etiquette

Who should host the baby shower?
Traditionally, only non-relatives are to host a baby shower -- co-workers, church groups, etc.; however, it has become more common and acceptable for mothers and sisters to host showers too. And why not? The important thing is that someone take the initiative to host the shower -- what a wonderful display of caring for a growing family and a special way to help welcome a new life into the world. Really, the only one who absolutely should not host a shower is the expecting mom herself!

It is also perfectly acceptable for more than one person to host a baby shower. It can be fun for a group of friends to share the responsibilities and excitement of planning and hosting this special event.

See where it says "take the initiative"? That's the main thing your friend is missing, you never told her you would throw her a shower. To assume that you would...IMO is rude. Now if you want to do this, and her mom, etc were willing to go in on it with you, that would be a better situation for all.

Maybe you can contact her DH and explain your position to him. Sometimes getting everything (frustrations and all) out in the open is the best way to a solution with the least hurt feelings.