Thread for parents who have lost babies..preborn or shortly after--just to chat

[lil mermaid]

Wow, what a thread. to all of you. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

I lost a set of twins at almost 12 weeks in January of 2003. I am now 36 weeks pregnant with a little girl and everything is going well. I have been having some really sad/guilty thoughts though lately. I am so excited about this baby...I love her and want her so much. But I feel like I am betraying the ones I lost...or that they are becoming forgotten. Then I feel guilty that by feeling that way I am betraying my little one on the way. I am truly conflicted, because if I didn't lose my twins, I wouldn't have this baby now.

Sometimes I can make myself feel a little better by telling myself that the way the timing worked out - it is totally possible that I could have had my twins on their due date of July of last year, and still had this baby. Of course, this is highly unlikely, but theoretically, it is possible!

Every single post on this thread touched me in some way. I guess a parent is a parent, and love is love, no matter how long you have a child in your life, be it a couple weeks, or years. Losing a child is devastating, period.

More to all of you.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

I had a miscarriage at approx. 7-8 weeks (at least that's what the quack doctor says) back in January 1998. It was one of the most tramatic things I think I have ever been through. (I swear I think it hurt worse than giving birth to a full term baby)

I actually held that little peanut in my hand before freaking out knowing that it was a possibility and praying it wasn't what I thought it was and realizing that it really was, I will never ever in my life forget that moment of this little creature laying across my fingers, in an strange way it gives me peace to remember it.

My dd Julie just turned 5 in April and sometimes I think that all the first's that she is getting ready to tackle like school and life in general I could have already tackled once with my other child and maybe I could be more ready than I am now.....or not........

Hugs to everyone who has ever gone through anything like this.....I feel your pain, somedays it's worse than others but we keep moving along and singing our songs!!!!

 

[justjulie]

I cannot believe how many of us have suffered (some likely silently) the loss of a child. I too miscarried after a perfectly healthy first pregnancy. I will never forget the agony of that loss - for some unexplained reason I am convinced I lost twins - I can't explain why - mother's intuition maybe. Unfortunately we then suffered "secondary infertility" and could not conceive for two years - that too was agonizing in it's own way. Finally our second full-term child was born but like Desnik, our son was very sick for the first 1-2 years of his life. You wrestle with so many emotions when your newborn is sick - you're thrilled beyond belief to have him but terrified you're going to lose him after waiting and worrying so long. My son is petite to say the least - he's 8 and weighs only 41 pounds but he's the most precious bundle of energy I could have ever be blessed with. He idolizes his big brother because, for circumstances beyond our control, they're further apart than "planned". I'm not sure that you every finish mourning because when you least expect it something will trigger a memory that takes you back but then you count your blessings for the child/children you have to nurture now and I wouldn't trade all the heartache or achievements we're accomplished as a family for a minute - I think out of those struggles we have become a well-rounded and blessed family.

Blessings to all of you who have ever struggled through this - whatever your story be - and thanks for a safe place to come for neverending support.

 

[stm61]

The pain never goes away but it does get easier to live with. I went thru yrs of fertility treatments and finally had my son about 10 1/2 yrs ago. The stress and ups and downs of all the treatments was to much for the marriage and we divorced before the baby was born. I remarried 4 yrs later and, since the previous problems had been blamed on my ex, was shocked to learn I needed invitro. Ok, fast forward, I'm pregnant with triplets. Everything goes fine until I'm hospitalized at 31+ wks because one baby is in distress. Unforturately, it was the day after Christmas, the staff was due to rotate out on New Year's Day, and they just didn't want to deal with preemie triplets. They stalled until the new team came on. The new team saw no reason to deliver immediately, they felt if the baby had done fine for a wk he would be fine another wk. End result: they lost the heartbeat on Jan 3 and I insisted on an immediate c-section before they managed to loose the other 2. The only thing that saved my sanity was the fact that I still had 2 babies. The one I lost was a boy, Lewis, and I still think about him alot. It's really tough on my daughter's birthday, since they were born the same day he died. It's been over 5 yrs now. We tried for 4 yrs to conceive again but it's just not going to happen according to the dr's. I'm ok with not getting pregnant, I really dreaded the idea of being pregnant and over 40, but really do want another child. I'm trying to convince DH that we should adopt but he hasn't quite come around to the idea yet.

 

[huey duey & luey]

I just wanted to send hugs and prayers to everyone. I wish you all peace in in these difficult times
Tara

 

[always quiet]

In June 1993, my son Kyle was still born. It has left me with guilt that I will forever carry with me. Kyle wasn't as active and I remember talking to my sister and voicing my concern to her (I had had an amneo in April and everything indicated that I was having a perfect little baby boy). I wanted an honest opinion over whether my imagination was running away with me. She convinced me that all babies have "quiet days" and not to worry. After this, she called a number of people in my family, told them all I was really worried about the baby, but had NO IDEA why I just didn't contact the doctor!! (I can only guess she was trying to make me look like a fool, she has since passed and I never confronted her with this). The next day, I listened to my heart and called the doctor. They sent me in for an ultrasound. They told me my son had died the previous day. If I had followed my own instincts, I can't help but wonder if there would of been something they could of done. The autopsy showed absolutely nothing wrong. He was still my perfect little boy. No one in my family knew what to say and basically avoided me. The only people at Kyle's funeral were my husband and myself (along with the priest and funeral director). To this day, we are the only ones to visit his grave.

I became pregnant with Jessica 2 months later, the actual month that Kyle was due to be born. I look at her and know that if he would of been born, she wouldn't be here. She must be destined for something pretty great. That's why she has a very special guardian angel.

 

[JVL1018]

I miscarried at 10 weeks, and while I was horribly upset during and afterwards, I have been fine ever since, I don't feel like I lost a child. I lost a dream, a promise of the future. Looking back, I realize I never saw a heartbeat at my first 8 wk u/s, so I really don't believe it was ever a viable pregnancy.
By the time I reached my due date(5/23/99) I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. What upset me the most between the m/c and getting pregnant again was worrying if we'd ever be able to have children...and the emotional stress during my two subsequent pregnancies was horrid. I had alot of trouble the first 3 months with my daughter-unexplained bleeding once a week(and the kind they tell you to be worried about-lots of bright red blood), but she was always perfectly fine.

In a way I am grateful that it happened because I have my beautiful girl because I miscarried my first baby-which of course doesn't make sense because I would have loved the first baby..but all the same I am at peace with it, in an odd- not making sense sort of way.
It was VERY important to me that I get pregnant asap-I knew I could not deal with the due date coming around unless I was pregnant-I felt like there HAD to be a reason.

Anyway..my grandma lost her son..not as an infant, he was killed in WWII at 20 yrs old in 1944.(He made it through D Day unharmed but died in Nov. after stepping in a land mine)
She died at 98 in 2000 and never ever spoke more than a few sentences about him without being unable to go on. It was heartbreaking.
My grandfather's hair actually turned pure white within a week of receiveing the telegram that his son was killed.

 

[Griggle]

To this day, we are the only ones to visit his grave.

Colleen - isn't that mind blowing?

In regards to the cemetary - it was my choice not to have anyone come. The grief was so overwhelming and so private that I couldn't even begin to think to share it with anyone besides my husband. As long as I live, I'll never forget the images of those tiny little caskets being taken out of the hearst. All this while my body made it's milk and still bleed after birthing and empty arms that ached so very, very much. I needed to do that alone.

But afterwards? My IL's haven't even asked what cemetary their THREE grandchildren are at. And have never, ever brought them up once even in reference. My mother is just as flip.

My sister, the angel, takes care of the graves knowing that even just to pass the cemetary my heart breaks.

MIL will pass comments to this day: "Imagine if you had twins"....ahhhhhh - lady - I HAD/HAVE twins.

Or, some of may favorites while in the hospital - "Why are you using the name - why don't you save it for the next one if you like it so much"

Or while I tried to finish a blanket I was knitting so that they could be swadled in them - "Seems like such a wasted effort"

Or from the mouth of my fountain of support (AKA Mom) - while laying in a hospital bed for 6 months trying to hold on to the fourth guy - "Do you think you'll have this one"? - Ahhhh, I "had" them all.



I'm not looking for constant strokes or never ending sympathy - it just hurts that they've been dismissed - as if they never existed.

I understand that it's easier for some just to avoid the whole thing, because it does make people uncomfortable - but to act as if it never happened and back it up with callous remarks - unforgiveable.....

Sorry for the rant....but dam, that was good to get off my chest!

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

Well our Nicky would have been 12 this past April 7. He was stillborn at 34 weeks. I think he left an empty space in my heart that could never be filled. But we keep him alive. Our two living children know of their older brother and when I was given my mothers ring a couple of years back, Nicky's birhstone was included. It doesn't matter when you loose your child...it just plain hurts. My best friend didn;t even know she was pregnant, went to the doctors for another reason when they told her they were pretty sure she had suffered a miscarriage and she was devastated.Hugs to you all.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

I'm not looking for constant strokes or never ending sympathy - it just hurts that they've been dismissed - as if they never existed.

A lot of people, I am sure, will argue that this shouldn't be done, but we have a "wall" dedicated to Gabrielle. On it we have her ultrasound picture, a frame with the words to "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman, a pic of a baby angel, and a shelf which holds things people sent us when we lost her, things we have bought for Christmas or birthdays such as a water globe, a stuffed Pooh, etc., her Mickey Mouse ears from Disney World, and pictures that the kids have drawn for her. We actually need to add another shelf.

I want the kids to always remember that they had another sister.

 

[phillybeth]

Originally posted by 6_Time_Momma
A lot of people, I am sure, will argue that this shouldn't be done,

Well, tell them politely (or not so politely) to go to hell. How you choose to remember your daughter is your family's business, not anyone else's.
I have never lost a child, but I have lost two siblings. My twin miscarried at about 10 weeks, back in the days before ultrasounds- my mom was told she had lost 'the' baby. Much to her surprise, she was still pregnant and I was born full term on her original due date.
My brother was born with severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen from either cord compression or placenta previa (doctors never told my parents exactly which). He also had a chromosomal abnormality which, again, was never fully explained to my parents. He was not supposed to live to 6 months, but he lived to be 4. I was 6 when he died. My parents still don't talk much about him 30 years later.
It's like a shadow on your life- every milestone is celebrated, but in the back of your mind is that "what if...".

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm so sorry for all your losses ladies. And I am unfortunately a member of the club. I have lost 5 to miscarriage. 2 were girls, the last just this past March. I'll never forget any of them and believe they are all waiting for me in heaven! I am so greatful for the 2 children I had before all the miscarriages started. They have never found anything wrong with me. Anyway, my condolences. I just can't say more, there just are no words...

 

[luv2nascar]

we tried to have a second baby when dd was 3 it took us two years to conceive. We were so excited. DH told everyone because he was so excited. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks that lasted almost a week before it was all said and done in January 2000.
Our baby would be 4 in August of this year. Oldest DD will be 9 in July and our miracle baby will be 1 in June 2004.

People always say oh such a big gap between your kids etc. I don't really feel like there is because we were through so much with our loss in between.

prayers to everyone and their losses. It is one of the most difficult things you will have to go through.

 

[Robinrs]

It took me forEVER to look at this thread, and I still couldn't read them all, it hurts so much.

God bless you all. We are all parts of a sisterhood that I wish no one ever joined.

I lost my first son, Devin in 1986. He was born with meconium aspiration and never took his first breath.

He died at 3 days old. I will NEVER get over him. His short life is why I am who I am today.

My next son, Michael, was born in 1993. My ex calls him "six years in the making".... I honestly thought I would never get pregnant again.

When Michael was born he had the same exact problem as Devin, but they were ready for it and aspirated him even before his shoulders were out of me. He took his first breath and his cry was the sweetest sound I ever heard!

Since that day I have treasured, loved and adored my little boy. He is a sweet, precious soul, so gentle, so kind and so generous. I know that God made him that way to fill the large hole Devin left.

People told me not to tell Michael about Devin, that his death would upset him. I told him the week before what would've been Devin's 11th birthday. He was only four.

On the way to the babysitters one week later on July 22nd, Devin's birthday, little Michael started singing "happy birthday to you" in the back seat of the car all by himself! I remember being SHOCKED, turned around and looked at him and he said after the song was over
"Devin is 11 and he's in HEAVEN!" And smiled that special Michael smile that told me that everything was ALRIGHT....

I knew then that I should've told him! Every year we celebrate Devin's birthday in Orlando or another place, a special celebration. He loves his "big brother" and we celebrate the gift of life he gave us both.

God bless you all and all of your precious babies!

 

[Val]

We lost two (at 14 and 16 weeks) between my oldest daughter and my next daughter. My oldest DD was 2 and 3 at the time- and it was devastating to all of us. My next pregnancy was extremely difficult and high risk- but DD12 made it. We then were blessed with DS8 and a surprise DD6. We have a family portrait wall to remember the grandparents and other family members we have lost- and have a tribute to our two baby angels on the wall. No one can ever take away the pain of losing a child- be it through miscarriage or loss of an adult child. A child is a part of us, genetically, physically and in soul. Even most animals grieve when they lose their young, and most "nonhuman" primates show true bouts of depression. Mothering (and for humans and some other animals, fathering) is a strong instinctive bond- and the loss of a child robs us of our very essence. God bless all of you! Remember there are angels watching over you!

 

[Claudia1]

Over 20 years ago, I lost my first at about 11 weeks. Three years later, I lost my second at about the same time and almost died, too. I have blocked out the dates intentionally. I was never able to conceive again. Funny thing, though, is that I always had a strong sense from my earliest childhood memories that I would die in childbirth. It almost happened.


I can still remember the change in my emotional link with my DH when I was carrying our children. There was someting special, something tangible, and I lost that, too. I can't imagine loving a child anymore that I love our two adopted children and that emotional link had nothing to do with the love of the child. It was rather a celebration of the love that had created it.

I know that I will always remember my babies. We didn't have names, know the sex, have dates, or have a service for them but I still remember them.

One of the hardest things I have ever done, though, was to stand by my DD during her pregnancy. I battled resentment (not toward her but just in general.). I had endured 5 years of surgeries, infertility treatments, operations, and nearly died without bearing a child but she was the victim of a cirme (just once) and conceived a baby. I remember standing by her side as she heard the heartbeat for the first time, simply willing myself to breathe and praying that she would not see me cry. Maybe it was a combination of all the emotions of the crime, her age, my loss........ I don't know. However, I will never forget that the memory of my lost babies was immediate and overpowering.

God's plans are perfect, not mine.

 

[WhenUwishUponAstar]

I was told I was losing my baby to go home and wait, I did for 2 months and I never miscarried. I went through a lot of testing to determine the baby was actully dead , it was called a missed miscarriage and I had to have a D&C. The very next month I got pregnant with my DS (pictured below) I was essentially pregnant for a whole year and if one day had been different I wouldn't have him now. I'm currently about 6-8 weeks pregnant depending on when you want to count from. I am going for my first ultra-sound in the morning and I'm pretty nervous. I know what it's like to have it go both ways, it can be the best day or the worst day. I am just praying for the best. Thanks for sharing your stories and making me touch my tummy and smile. Right now I'm this baby's mommie and no matter what happens nothing is going to change that. Prayers go out to all of you in your journey to find peace. IMHO that's about as close as we are going to get to a healing.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by 6_Time_Momma
A lot of people, I am sure, will argue that this shouldn't be done, but we have a "wall" dedicated to Gabrielle. On it we have her ultrasound picture, a frame with the words to "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman, a pic of a baby angel, and a shelf which holds things people sent us when we lost her, things we have bought for Christmas or birthdays such as a water globe, a stuffed Pooh, etc., her Mickey Mouse ears from Disney World, and pictures that the kids have drawn for her. We actually need to add another shelf.

I want the kids to always remember that they had another sister.

I think each of us needs to do what is best for ourselves and our families. I made a memory box for our younger DD with items from the hospital and other mementos. It's identical to the one I made for our older DD after we adopted her. Our older DD doesn't yet know she has a younger sister in Heaven. She was only a year old when I got pregnant. We will tell her one day when we feel the time is right.

People can be amazingly kind and amazingly clueless when someone suffers a loss like this. My mom, family and several friends were wonderful as were some of DH's family. My MIL who's never had much tact actually said she wasn't surprised we lost the baby because she didn't think I'd be able to carry a baby to term. I will never forget that.

 

[Kitty 34]

{{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you that have experienced a loss.

My sister lost hers when she was 11 weeks along. The sad thing about that was while she was with me in the hospital assisting me with my labor, she started bleeding and ended up down in ER.

So the next day when my son, Michael was born, was the day she lost hers. Luckily she got pregnant soon after and her son was born a year after mine. They are now 17 and 16 and great friends.


I just sent a Sympathy card out to my other DS's coach. His wife found out when she was 6 months pregnant, that her child (a son) would either be a still born or would die within the week after birth because of a heart problem.

She went full term and gave birth to him (last month). He died during delivery. They took a picture of his tiny little still pink feet and that was the picture they used on their Memorial card. So sad!!!

 

[tkyes]

whenyouwishuponastar - I just said a little prayer for you for your dr. appt. Please let us know how it goes.


tamie