Thoughts on Engagement Ring debate?

[lacrosse_lady72]

I wouldn't say no but I love an engagement ring. I have one and I love it! I would be incredibly sad without one and I know DFiance wouldn't settle for that. He knows the difference between me being sad and acting happy from me just being happy.

With that said, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I'd rather have him and no ring that no him and no ring. But, I'd rather have a ring than a lot of other things

 

[Joyciemc]

I definitely assumed I would get a ring if there was a proposal. But they were both complete surprises. We had talked in the past about how 'it didn't have to be a diamond' as I think a lot of gemstones are prettier and not so inflated in price. One of the first things I said after he gave me my ring was 'but it's a diamond!' (I must say DH did very well in the taste department- I love my ring!)
But the next day, I lost in in the ocean off St.Lucia.
DH folded me an oragami ring out of a dollar bill to wear until we got a small replacement. It didn't matter what was on my finger, but I felt like having something new on that finger made me feel 'engaged'.

I don't think someone is unreasonable in expecting a ring, but she shouldn't expect a certain value of the ring. Especially if that involves any kind of debt/credit. That makes no sense at all.

 

[mrsg00fy]

We were engaged 22 years ago and have been happily married for 21 years. A ring was important to me. I can say that I don't know anyone who was engaged without a ring...even to this day. I'm happy that I got to choose my own diamond and my own setting. All these years later, it is still a happy memory. My DH knew me well enough to know that I would not be content to just have him pick something out. When spending that kind of money....he wanted to be certain that I LOVED the ring and that it was EXACTLY what I wanted. And I do love my ring. I had the diamond reset about 5 years ago and I love the new setting. It does not go with my original wedding band....so I only wear my "engagement" ring. I smile every time I look at that ring!

I would have married him anyway. But I can honestly say that there would have been many awkward questions from friends and relatives about "the ring" if I didn't have one. I'm thrilled to have it and am thrilled that he knew me well enough to buy me a beautiful ring and to let me have the final word. Based on the many pieces of jewelry purchased for gifts over the years that sit unworn, the engagement ring was a great purchase. I wear it every single day.

As to the poster who asked about the budget....I knew the budget that he was working with and stayed within it. I could not imagine becoming engaged without knowing about all the finances of the other. For us, full disclosure was the only way to go.

 

[arminnie]

Maybe it's regional, but I don't know a single married woman without an engagement ring.

I know a whole lot of married women who almost never wear their engagement ring. They just prefer wearing a simple band. I've also known many a bride who didn't get one. Sometimes it was because the groom was in med school or one where the bride just didn't want one.

And most of those women were from pretty social backgrounds (debutantes, etc.). They had big weddings.

But the funny thing is that when I was in college the number of girls who came back after Christmas with a 2 or 3 carat ring. This was a private women's college where most of the students came from a pretty affluent background. You know that the 20 year olds who'd just gotten engaged weren't paying for that ring.

 

[Hillbeans]

I got engaged at 27 (i'm 39 and married 11 years) and I would have not considered myself engaged until I had a ring on my finger. I don't think that makes me shallow. It's traditional and it shows commitment, at least in my opinion and my DH's.

 

[RitaE]

I would guess that many people might assume I don't have an engagement ring - since I only wear it once or twice a year. I don't know, nobody has ever asked me about it.

I agree that a man who wants to marry a woman should be willing to show commitment and effort. It would just never occur to me to equate that commitment to the purchase of a ring. I expect a whole heck of a lot more than that from my husband.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would guess that many people might assume I don't have an engagement ring - since I only wear it once or twice a year. I don't know, nobody has ever asked me about it.

I agree that a man who wants to marry a woman should be willing to show commitment and effort. It would just never occur to me to equate that commitment to the purchase of a ring. I expect a whole heck of a lot more than that from my husband.

ITA.

With divorce rates being what they are, I really don't think a ring is any more a sign of commitment than no ring.

We went to a party last weekend where there were a lot of people who were very educated and well-to-do. It surprised me that the women all wore just plain, simple wedding bands. I'm used to seeing big shining rocks on the fingers of the women of my acquaintance.

 

[Carly_Roach]

IMHO, if a man can't step up and buy some kind of (even inexpensive) engagement ring... If he can't even manage to find a way to 'afford' that... Then, obviously, he can't 'afford' what it takes to be married and support a wife and family.

Any man who wants me to give and to commit my whole being to him, and he specifically asks me to do it now, basicly 'for free'.....
I wouldn't do it either.
Too many men want it all for free.
Any man asks me to marry him and commit to him and serve him 'without a ring'...
He would get a definite 'no'.

Flame Suit ON......

I don't know if the OP's friend is looking for that HUGE rock, or what....
But, I certainly would not have become engaged and planned a wedding and a life with a man who could not manage to find a way to come up with a ring to show his love and commitment. What else is he NOT going to find a way to do/provide/etc....

For those who are rolling their eyes...
NO - I did not get a big expensive diamond...
NO - My husband and I were, and are, not rich... Barely managed to feed ourselves and pay the bills... We still don't have a lot. It is not about material things AT ALL....

As mentioned here, people DO look for that ring...
It is an important symbol of commitment and the fact that one is promised and spoken for.

Would I have to have a big expensive diamond?
No...

But, for me, when it comes to a ring... the L'oreal slogan says a lot "yes, I'm worth it".

Woah Nellie! So what you're saying in the bolded part is that someone has to purchase your time and affection, otherwise they're worthless losers that you won't invest your time and love in? Even though you deny in the same paragraph that it's not about material things at all?

The only girls/women I know who have gotten married without a ring married destitute losers......

Seriously...

Just stating what I have seen....

Yep. I guess so.

And I guess I can understand, with that attitude prevalent in these kinds of circles, why a woman would want the man to give her $400 - $1,000 before she'd commit. Her friends would hound her and look down on her.

Some friends.

Yet the idea of a dowry (the woman's family having to, in essence, sweeten the pot so the man would take the woman on) is repulsive to many women. It's the same concept as above with the engagement ring, just reversed.

I'm so glad I live amongst friends and family who don't consider jewelry to be the ultimate symbol of enduring love, respect and commitment. Jewelry, after all, can easily be lost, damaged, stolen or sold. For something real and valuable - something worth working for, living for and dying for - I suppose my litmus test would be this:

If you can insure it with money, then it's just a possession.

Think about it: Houses, cars, computers, TV's, jewelry - all insurable at replacement value.

Old photographs, memories, children, parents, your spouse, your relatives - all non-insurable. Irreplaceable at any cost.

I'm so very grateful that I don't live among people who consider jewelry to be the proof of love and commitment.

 

[Rora]

OP here!

Thanks for all the opinions! It looks like everyone is pretty split on the issue.

As far as the snooping- my friend has been actively looking for this ring. Their financial situation is secure (they make ends meet, have the ability to go to the movies/out to dinner on occasion) but they honestly don't have enough to buy an engagement ring without borrowing a little bit of money. In addition, this guy is definitely not a loser- has a secure job, is a good man, etc- and always wanted to buy her a ring if he had the money (now I guess he borrowed some...).

Again, thanks for all the opinions!!

 

[snykymom]

I've been married 10 years and we don't argue about money. He has his and I have mine and we split the bills. It works so well for us, but I can see how it wouldn't work for others. We recently got our first joint checking account for our travel a few months ago.

That's great. But you did discuss how you would handle the finances before you got married, didn't you? And you came up with a solution that works for you. If it stops working in the future, you'll discuss other options, right?

That's my only point - money can't be an "off-limits" discussion.

We were engaged 22 years ago and have been happily married for 21 years. A ring was important to me. I can say that I don't know anyone who was engaged without a ring...even to this day. I'm happy that I got to choose my own diamond and my own setting. All these years later, it is still a happy memory. My DH knew me well enough to know that I would not be content to just have him pick something out. When spending that kind of money....he wanted to be certain that I LOVED the ring and that it was EXACTLY what I wanted. And I do love my ring. I had the diamond reset about 5 years ago and I love the new setting. It does not go with my original wedding band....so I only wear my "engagement" ring. I smile every time I look at that ring!

I would have married him anyway. But I can honestly say that there would have been many awkward questions from friends and relatives about "the ring" if I didn't have one. I'm thrilled to have it and am thrilled that he knew me well enough to buy me a beautiful ring and to let me have the final word. Based on the many pieces of jewelry purchased for gifts over the years that sit unworn, the engagement ring was a great purchase. I wear it every single day.

As to the poster who asked about the budget....I knew the budget that he was working with and stayed within it. I could not imagine becoming engaged without knowing about all the finances of the other. For us, full disclosure was the only way to go.

Thank you! You said exactly what I tried to say, but you said it better! A ring was important to me, and I still wear it 28 years later. It comes off only for chores. But I didn't want a surprise. We chose it together, and I knew the budget. I agree about full disclosure.

OP here!

Thanks for all the opinions! It looks like everyone is pretty split on the issue.

As far as the snooping- my friend has been actively looking for this ring. Their financial situation is secure (they make ends meet, have the ability to go to the movies/out to dinner on occasion) but they honestly don't have enough to buy an engagement ring without borrowing a little bit of money. In addition, this guy is definitely not a loser- has a secure job, is a good man, etc- and always wanted to buy her a ring if he had the money (now I guess he borrowed some...).

Again, thanks for all the opinions!!

Does she know it's a ring? All I can think about is the opening of Leap Year, the movie with Amy Adams. She found a box, thought her boyfriend would propose. When he did give her the box, inside were . . . earrings.

 

[Rora]

Does she know it's a ring? All I can think about is the opening of Leap Year, the movie with Amy Adams. She found a box, thought her boyfriend would propose. When he did give her the box, inside were . . . earrings.

You know that's something I didn't even think of!!!!

Oh man, I think she'd KILL him if it wasn't a ring. Who knows..If you guys see some wacked out, bling seeking girl on the news soon, it's probably her..

 

[~disneydiva~]

Well hopefully she gets her ring and nobody gets hurt!

Little off topic....How life as a married woman Rora?

 

[Rora]

Well hopefully she gets her ring and nobody gets hurt!

Little off topic....How life as a married woman Rora?

Hey girl!! Things are going great! It's not too different from before though but I have postively nothing bad to say! Hope things are well with you friend! We need to catch up!

 

[~disneydiva~]

Hey girl!! Things are going great! It's not too different from before though but I have postively nothing bad to say! Hope things are well with you friend! We need to catch up!

I'm doing great! I miss our chats and our fellow unicorns!!

 

[luvmy3]

OP here!

Thanks for all the opinions! It looks like everyone is pretty split on the issue.

As far as the snooping- my friend has been actively looking for this ring. Their financial situation is secure (they make ends meet, have the ability to go to the movies/out to dinner on occasion) but they honestly don't have enough to buy an engagement ring without borrowing a little bit of money. In addition, this guy is definitely not a loser- has a secure job, is a good man, etc- and always wanted to buy her a ring if he had the money (now I guess he borrowed some...).

Again, thanks for all the opinions!!

I think its so sad that he has always wanted to marry her and give her a ring (but couldn't afford) and she still wouldn't accept his ringless proposal. I am amazed at the belief that a ring is some kind of proof of love and commitment.

I hope this guy comes to his senses before he decides to give it to her, she has zero respect for him.

 

[design_mom]

OP here!

Thanks for all the opinions! It looks like everyone is pretty split on the issue.

As far as the snooping- my friend has been actively looking for this ring. Their financial situation is secure (they make ends meet, have the ability to go to the movies/out to dinner on occasion) but they honestly don't have enough to buy an engagement ring without borrowing a little bit of money. In addition, this guy is definitely not a loser- has a secure job, is a good man, etc- and always wanted to buy her a ring if he had the money (now I guess he borrowed some...).

Again, thanks for all the opinions!!

I am a little confused about the problem. If she wants a ring, and he wants to give her a ring, and they are financially secure, I do not understand why he "can't" buy her a ring. There are engagement rings out there in a huge range of prices. The cheaper ones don't necessarily have the best/biggest diamonds in them, but who says an engagement ring has to be huge -- or even diamond.

Is she refusing to marry him unless he buys her a specific ring (huge diamond, platinum, etc.)? If so, it sounds like she's incredibly immature and spoiled.

However, I don't know why he can't get her a ring if it's important to both of them. Skip the dinners out/movies for a few months and buy her a small diamond or non-diamond ring. Or is it something to do with *his* ego? Would he rather not get her a ring at all than get her something small? If so, then I think he either needs to figure a way out of it, or swallow his pride and get her a ring.

My mother has a 1/2 carat diamond. I wasn't expeccting more than 1/3 carat for my engagement ring, and I didn't even care if I got a diamond at all. (I did want some sort of engagement ring though.) We were both still in college when he proposed. He didn't have a lot of money. He gave me a 1/2 carat -- not because I demanded it -- but because *he* wanted it to be the same size as my mom's. He put off buying something else he'd been saving for to get it for me, and I appreciated the sacrifice. But the size of the diamond was about what *he* wanted, not what *I* wanted. It's beautiful though... and I wear it and my wedding ring every day. (Been married for 14 years now.)

Another friend got a 2 carat diamond, but it's the cloudiest, ugliest diamond I've ever seen. (I'd never say that to her, though, and she seems happy with it.) Her husband wanted to get her the biggest ring of all her friends, but only had a limited budget so he bought a very low quality, but huge, diamond. Again, she never asked for a giant diamond -- he picked it based on what *he* wanted.

 

[mhsjax]

I have a few thoughts.

First, If the man is going to give the woman a ring I would suggest that they pick one out together, Too much money to pay only to water something that you don't totally love.

Second, I would marry my hubby without a ring, I didn't but it was very small and really it is just a ring.

third, After I saw a report on diamonds, (thank you A&E investigative reports) Diamonds are a major rip off. A 2 carrot diamond that you pay $10,000.00 for is actually only worth about 200.00. Because Debeers owns every diamond that you buy, they do some very dirty business and that is why the cost is so high. I think things are slowly changing, but when I saw this report is was really eye opening.

 

[wvjules]

I love my DBF very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've talked about where to get married, spending our life together, etc so I know the feeling is mutual.

That being said...would I marry him without a ring? yes
Do I want a nice engagement ring? ABSOUTELY!

That doesn't mean I dont love him or am using him for a diamond or haven't thought aobut our life together. I absoutely have no doubts in my mind that he is the man for me. I still want the ring though.

Oh and I also want a great wedding, a beautiful dress and an awesome honeymoon. That doesn't make me love DBF any less. And that doesn't mean that I think the ring/wedding are more important than the marriage itself.

 

[Robindianne]

IMHO an engagement ring was historically meant to show the woman is the man's so no man better mess with her. So, for me, it was to be no engagement ring OR both wear and engagement ring. Same as with wedding ring. I also think as I've gotten older, and learned more about diamond and other stone mining, I can admire them for their beauty, remember the cost in time, sweat, and yes sometimes lives, to get the stone, and the huge benefit to diamond dealers and brokers and sellers, and not want one for myself. However, the same can be said for precious metals and in fact an article is in the news today about cell phone components being mined in the same harsh, deadly, ways. Sooo. With that ramble, I don't know what my opinion of rings is. I guess I like that I have my wedding band and love looking at it and remembering picking out and having them made, but also want to be mindful of the big picture if I can.

 

[foolishmortal]

if my wife said she "HAD" to have a dimond ring for engagement or she or her family wouldnt acknowldge it that would have raised a flag for me, but hey what do I know im just a male whos wife married him (yes with a small diamond ring, but because I wnated to not because she said I had too).