This is out of control-info & warning if you have teens

[Teris]

I just want to add, that it's also important for these girls to see this boy is not getting away with this behaviour. The boy needs counciling,, but the girls do as well. They need to know they have done nothing wrong by reporting this.

We went thru a similar situation with our oldest daughter 3 years ago when she was a freshman in high school.

She was friends with a boy all thru middle school,, they had band together as well. In their freshman year, on the way back from playing at a football game that was a late night, he sat with her on the bus, and began to touch her inappropriately, very inappropriately, and tried to get her to touch him. She was very upset about it, and shocked, especially later, once they arrived at the school, when he threatened her if she told anyone.

thankfully she told us. To make a long story short,, she didn't want the fuss of pressing charges,, but the school got involved and tried to get us to. She was already embarassed enough and didnt' want more fuss. This boy denied what happened,, but even his father was not so sure, and wasnt' sure what to do. Later on, this kid was reported to the school office, for bragging to other boys about what he did, and apparently my daughter wasn't the only one.

By the end of that year, my daughter was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrom, had to go to rape counciling, and had to be put on anti-psychotic meds, because she was having psychotic episodes, where she was hearing voices telling her how bad she was, and that this 'voice' was very angry that the boy who hurt her wasnt' punished. This was almost 3 years ago,, and this girl has gone from being a trusting, loving, child, to one who has been thru a complete personality change. She is angry, distrustful, bitter, hostile, and out of control. From making straight A's in her middle school, an early freshman years, to failing most all of her classes. She has been thru therapy, and it all goes back to that incident. We can't go back and change anything,, but I wish we had done it differently.

Do not in anyway think that letting this boy off is doing him, or your daughter any favors. While she may not want the attention of all this right now,, I wish we had done something about what happened 3 years ago.

I pmmed this story to you, luvdzny, but thought others should be aware that this type of thing can really mess with a young girl's mind.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am more of a lurker, but I had to post on this one. (haven't read all of the replies yet)

You and your daughter have NOTHING to feel bad about!!!! If this kid was handcuffed and hauled away, then it was most probably due to something very serious!!! If it were due to your daughters complaint, you would have been notified and asked to provide some kind of testimony or deposition or something.

This boy is obviously on the the WRONG track... He is getting what he is due. Most likely, your daughters report has nothing to do with it.

Sounds like this kid needs some help!!! Not bleeding heart pity.

You shouldn't feel bad at all. You should be GLAD!!!!! GLAD that your daughter has the strength and self respect to stand up for herself, and what is right!!!!

Here is a { hug }!!!!

 

[KimRaye]

ZERO tolerance. Most schools, if not all, have this policy. The girls did the right thing.

I also think you're "sentencing" him before the trial. The punishment may not be as harsh as you're thinking it will be. He deserves whatever he gets though.

 

[Sandy V.]

Add me to the chorus that says "You did the right thing by reporting this." For your daughter, other victims, and for the kid himself.

This doesn't sound like some sort of harmless play here. While I am not labeling this kid as one, please realize that serious sexual offenders have to get their start somewhere. It often starts with "testing the waters" behavior like this and progresses.

Again, no flames because I'm NOT saying that this kid IS one, but do you really want to send him the message that groping females is okay?

Best of luck in the situation - but do not allow anyone to make you or your family feel guilty!!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I just wanted to add that these are the kind of warning signs parents said they missed after their child has done something horrible (like murder or rape). So instead of feeling guilty about the boy feel like you have given him the chance to change before it becomes worse.

Your DD should NOT be feeling guilty about this. How is she going to react if she is treated inappropriately again? Will she be scared to report for fear of ruining another persons life? I would be concerned about that. JMHO.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I can bet your school handbook has its sexual harrassment policy spelled out for all students to see. The time when a kid would just get a talking to has passed. When DD#1 was in 5th grade another girl was really into bra snapping. She snapped about 6 different girls although they kept telling her to stop. The girls went to the principal and the girl got a "talking to".
At the HS level, though, boys know just what they are doing. I had sophomores this year, God knows the stories I've overheard! It is not innocent. It may have been grabs in the hall, but who knows if down the line he may have forced some date to do something she didn't want to do? Your daughter did the right thing.
Robin M.

 

[luvdzny]

I am starting to see this situation a bit different after reading these replies. I guess I have no way of knowing if it really was a "harmless situation." I have a habit of always trying to see the best in people. Maybe things could have gotten worse if this had not been reported. Thanks to all you you for your kind & truthful replies. I will also pass this info on to DD, I think it will help to ease her mind a bit as well. Thanks again!!!

 

[Hillbeans]

This is why it's so important to have that open chain of dialogue with your children. My DS is 3, but I hope when he's older he'll feel comfortable to come and talk to me about anything like this.

I feel bad for your DD, and what makes it worse IMHO was that it was done in the cafeteria in front of other people (which obviously was meant to be seen and embarass your DD).

I also feel that a 15 yo shouldn't be sent to "jail" per se, but a 15 year old who thinks they can keep getting away with inappropriately touching girls needs to be told otherwise.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I feel bad for your DD, and what makes it worse IMHO was that it was done in the cafeteria in front of other people (which obviously was meant to be seen and embarass your DD).

The fact that he's willing to do something like that in public makes me worry about how far he'd be willing to go in private!

Your DD should NOT be feeling guilty about this. How is she going to react if she is treated inappropriately again? Will she be scared to report for fear of ruining another persons life? I would be concerned about that. JMHO.

Please don't let your DD feel bad! she did the right thing! Stand up for your DD!

Exactly!

 

[Minnesota!]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
*dons flame-retardant suit*

When I was in junior high, a boy on the stairs grabbed me...somewhere he REALLY shouldn't have. I turned around, slugged him, and continued to class. I was never bothered again, and it never occurred to me to report it to anyone. He has grown up to be a very nice man, and we joke about what a jerk he was in junior high.

I don't know...I understand this kid was out of line...but is jail time necessary for what he did? Just wondering.

I agree with you 100%.

 

[MHopkins2]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
*dons flame-retardant suit*

When I was in junior high, a boy on the stairs grabbed me...somewhere he REALLY shouldn't have. I turned around, slugged him, and continued to class. I was never bothered again, and it never occurred to me to report it to anyone. He has grown up to be a very nice man, and we joke about what a jerk he was in junior high.

I don't know...I understand this kid was out of line...but is jail time necessary for what he did? Just wondering.

FTLOG, thank you Maleficent! I was starting to think I was the only one! Maybe I was just tougher than the average bird, but if someone had grabbed me uninvited at that age, I'd have told him to f off in no uncertain terms and embarassed the snot out of him if possible. Now that I'm a "grown-up," I find when this sort of thing happens in a bar, a nice big laugh right in his face and right in front of his friends works wonders.

 

[brentm3]

Every man has had to deal with raging hormones at some point in his life. The vast majority know what is right and what is wrong, and how to control themselves.

In this case, there are only two possibilities. (1) He didn't know if that what he was doing was wrong or (2) He couldn't control himself. Either way, that is a dangerous situation that needs to be addressed.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be, especially knowing the young man from church, but please don't give him an inch if you are given the opportunity to back down the charges. The problem needs to be fixed, it will not just go away by itself.

I hope you stick to your guns, he is lucky to have done this to a compassionate and forgiving type...Some parents would have had this kid running to the police for his own safety and protection.

I hope your DD understands that some people are not well and she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Good luck.

brentm3

 

[MHopkins2]

Originally posted by brentm3
In this case, there are only two possibilities. (1) He didn't know if that what he was doing was wrong or (2) He couldn't control himself. Either way, that is a dangerous situation that needs to be addressed.

False.

(3) He's a teenage boy acting like a moron (as some are wont to do), and needs someone to put a boot up his tuckus, but is neither mentally ill or dangerous.

Obviously I don't know the kid personally, but my vote goes to #3.

 

[MHopkins2]

Side note - as the OP mentioned, when her DD told the kid off, he left her alone.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Side note - as the OP mentioned, when her DD told the kid off, he left her alone.

yes, but apparently not other girls.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with you. With all the other crap going on in their lives, I strongly believe teenage girls have a right to attend High School classes without having to take self defense classes in order to keep their male classmates from grabbing at their crotches and chests.

It is fine and dandy that you know how to handle men in bars. But these girls aren't in a bar, nor are they adult women.

 

[MHopkins2]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
It is fine and dandy that you know how to handle men in bars. But these girls aren't in a bar, nor are they adult women.

As I said, I would have done the same when I was that age. I didn't have to deal with it much, because I perfected the "Icy Glare of Death" at an early age.

 

[cardaway]

Does this mean the poor kid will have to live with a sex offender tag all his life as well?

If so, how sad. It's as sad as when they do that to kids having consentual sex in high school.

 

[Sandy V.]

I believe you MHopkins2 about the "Icy Glare of Death". You're very confident and self-assured (both meant as compliments) and I wouldn't want to mess with you if I were a teenage boy trying the same thing.

But many kids don't have that self-confidence to stand up for themselves. I certainly didn't at that age - although I do now 30 years later. Respectfully, I disagree with you - I still think the parents did the right thing.

The kid may just be an obnoxious twit - or he may be a whole lot worse. Either way, unless he's some sociopath/worse, he'll certainly think twice before he starts playing "grab___" again!

Edited to respond to cardaway's post: I used to work as a district attorney in the juvenile division for two years (I'm not claiming to be the definitive voice on anything; mine's just an opinion like anyone else's).

If this truly was a single first-time series of events, the kid won't have a "sexual offender" label at all. He'll probably go through a diversion program and maybe attend a counseling session or two. If he jumps through all the hoops and stays out of trouble, then no charges may ever be filed against him in juvenile court and he won't have a "record".

If this has happened before, then the consequences for him are much more serious, and it's a good thing that he gets help and the community gets some protection.

But whatever the case, my sympathies lie with the girls that got groped rather than with the groper!

 

[poohandwendy]

I totally think the girls did the right thing by reporting the incidences, I think the way it was dealt with was over the top. I think it is entirely appropriate to intervene and have him be evaluated to see if this is a deeper issue than just being a jerk, but arresting him is a bit harsh. I think a few things haven't been answered, like has he been disciplined for this sort of behavior in the past?

If not, I think a talk about appropriate behavior and out of school suspension would have been much more sensible, for everyone involved. The boy would learn that this will not be tolerated and the girls know they do not have to put up with being groped. As it stands, this molehill is now a mountain and regardless of his 'record' he is now probably know as the school pervert. I don't think that is necessarily appropriate.

For goodness sakes, if we catch a teen drinking, do we automatically assume they probably are an alcoholic and get them into a 12 step program?

Sheesh, society has become so 'theres a perv around every corner' that I think we can't see the forest through the trees.

JMHO

 

[MHopkins2]

For goodness sakes, if we catch a teen drinking, do we automatically assume they probably are an alcoholic and get them into a 12 step program?

Sheesh, society has become so 'theres a perv around every corner' that I think we can't see the forest through the trees.

M.T.E!!!

Oh, and Sandy - please don't misunderstand me - it's not that I have more sympathy towards the groper than the gropees. It's just that I think the reaction (both in the actual situation and in this thread) is totally disproportionate to the "crime." And thanks for the kind words.

ETA that I agree with you that a lot of girls don't have the confidence to stand up to BS like this. My concern is that they don't get the chance to develop that "BS Terminator" skill, if assinine male behavior like this is punished in this way. I'm not sure how to articulate how I feel about it very well, *grumble.*