They Call Me MISTER PIG- He Said, She Said (9/1 Lights, Thunder, Fantasmic? Page 47)

[dreamer17555]

Hey everyone I have been reading the boards whenever I got a spare moment and I will do replies here and to the PM's once I put the kids to bed tonight. Right now is snack time so I will do a quick post.

He called and said he wanted to stop by and see the kids tonight. Not stay. Just stop by. I went with my gut and said no. I told him not right now, in a few days.

I had a few reasons for this the most important is Cat is very smart and can figure things out quick and if he visits and then leaves on a Thursday night there will be questions galore. I can telll her that he headed out for a camping weekend with his brothers which has done a few times, leaving after work and taking Friday off so we don't see him until Sunday. Its not unheard of and generally not a big deal.

Secondly, I am very sick over all this and I am not sure I am up to seeing him right now. I know that its not right to keep him from the kids but I am the one that takes care of them. I have to take care of me if I am going to be able to continue that.

Thirdly I am hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe a few days away from home will make him realize how much he does want to be home and how much I mean to him... I know its sorta crazy but I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can work through this somehow. I love him.


So what does everyone think? Good choice or bad? Should I have told him it was okay to visit the kids tonight? I am so mixed up I really dont know what to do anymore.

-Becca-

 

[swwake]

Becca, I think you're doing the right thing. Things change so quickly, and it is right for you to be putting the kids first.

Just an idea - do you have family close by? Maybe the kids could go visit the family for a couple of days/nights, so that you won't have to worry about them and the decisions about whether He can see them.

I am not one for keeping your kids from Daddy (I am also divorced), but I don't think you are doing that right now. This is short-term and you're doing what's best for them right now.

Also, don't feel like you're jumping the gun to consult an attorney. You should talk to one as soon as possible, to make sure you are doing all the right things in protecting your kids. Even if things turn around tonight or within the next few days, it's important to seek legal counsel.

We are all here for you.

 

[reelmom]

I say do what feels right. I will add that I agree with you. I would think it would be best to see how a few days away goes before bringing it up to Cat what is going on. That way you have had time to recover from the shock. Maybe he will realize what a mistake he is making. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

 

[stagemomx3]

I think that was a good call on your part for all the reasons you listed. You do need to take care of yourself!

 

[SnowWhite607]

I have to admit, I have been thinking of you all day. You have to go with your gut and do what feels right to you. I know you said your mom is nearby and I'm sure she will be a big help. Dont be afraid to lean on people right now.

You're right, maybe HE will discover that he hates to be away from Cat and Baby and you so much that he wants to work on this. Maybe marriage counseling would help. I dont know, I'm just throwing ideas out there.

This is going to be a big transition for all of you if HE decides he wants to split up. You have to take care of you and the kids.

Like someone said, sometimes men just need time and space. Sometime they are real a**holes. Whatever the case is here, please know that you have a friend far away who is thinking of you and praying for you.

 

[CRdisMom]

Becca - it is okay to have him not see the kids tonight. The story is a good cover up to help you get by.

I just jumped in to your TR. First off my sympathies to you. I know this is a really hard time. I want to share something with you. I went thru something like this 3 years ago, the only difference is it was me that said it was over. My Dh and I have been together since we were 16. We grew up together, experienced all the goods and the bads that go along with it. I went away to school and we stuck it out. He broke his back 2x and I stuck with him. Then I met someone at work. No there was no physical contact but there was an emotional one. We just ate lunch together and talked on our breaks. There was a tension there but neither of us every crossed that line. He was married too. It was just nice to have a male friend that saw me for something more than a mom. I never really tell anyone about that part of the story but I do think that it is an important piece to why I did what I did. Anyway one night I came home from work and basically unloaded on my husband. At the time we only had DD. I just told him I'm not in love with you anymore and I want out. I'm not happy and you don't love me either. He broke down. Crying and sobbing and just holding DD. He begged me to go to therapy. I flat out refused to go. We stayed in the same house for many months just being roomates. Yes sleeping in the same bed and me giving in for occasional attempts at closeness There were lots of loud fights and screaming matches. Finally I relented and said I will go to therapy but I get to pick who it is. I had asked my OB/GYN for a recommendation- that was the next Dr. appointment I had scheduled and I knew that they had seen many couples that had fertility problems so I figured they knew some good therapists. It took 9 months of intense therapy 2x's a week to get it worked out. I held on to lots of anger over his poor choices when we were growing up. I blamed him for where I was or was not in my career and in life. He didn't realize I had built up such a wall around myself that wouldn't let anyone in. I was martyring myself to make myself feel better. Anyway after the 9 months of therapy, we made it to the point where she said we didn't have to come anymore that we are good. I agreed. It was a tough and emotional struggle. I wanted to give up more times than I could count. I could go on and on but the bottom line is that we pulled thru. We now have another DD who is 19 mos. We will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in Oct.

Keep your chin up. See if he would be willing to go for therapy. If one of you works for a corporation, a lot of times they will have Employee Assistance Programs that cover martial therapy.

My heart goes out to you. I am saying extra prayers for you and yours.

 

[TinkAsh2001]

Becca I think you are 110% correct and right about saying no! I don't see anything wrong with it. I can totally understand you not wanting to see him right now. I don't blame you for a second. Plus you have to think of the kids also and you know them you take care of them.
I understand you wanting it to work out & I hope things do! Sometimes men need a wake up call to make them realize. I hope this is his! for you & the kids!

 

[karajeboo]

Becca - I love what Laura has said about therapy. I think that EVERY couple that is contemplating splitting up owes it to themselves and to their families to attempt therapy first (unless are bigger issues that can't be forgiven, like adultery, abuse, etc.). Hopefully He would be willing to try this - he may be going through something that you are not aware of, and maybe this would help him.

 

[Camster0307]

Becca - I absolutely agree you did the right thing but not allowing him to see the kids tonite. If the children haven't officially been told anything yet, how was he going to explain waltzing in for a visit and then waltzing back out again?

While he may have been thinking about this for awhile, you just had it dropped in your lap. You need the weekend, at least, to wrap your mind around what is happening.

Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you! But remember, you are still his wife and the mother of his children - you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Do not put up with anything less.

 

[VanniGirl]

I am so very sorry, you are in my thoughts....

 

[Moonlitdreams82]

Becca:
I can't tell you how sorry I am for all of this. I would have never guessed it in a million years, which is why my last few posts were giving him the benefit of the doubt. Judging from your triip report I just could not see any signs of him being unhappy. You guys just seem like such a perfect little happy family with a marraige filled with love.

I agree that you should take some time to clear your head and tell the kids that he went away for a few days with some friends/family on a camping trip. There is no reason to get the kids (mainly Cat, considering the baby probably wouldn't know waht was going on) all upset when you don't even know which way is up right now. It's also not healthy for you to try and talk/reason with him when your mind is spining in all different directions. Take some time to yourself and get your head cleared. After the weekend maybe see if you can get your mom to take the kids for a few hours while he comes over. You guys can sit down and talk. See if there is any underlying problem that he is not telling you about, but don't push the issue because that might aggrivate him. If he doesn't come out with answers right away then ask him if there is a way that you guys can work things out. See if he wants to go to counseling. When saying your vows you promise to love each other through good and bad, sickness and health. This is a bad time and in a way it is a sickness, but that doesn't mean that the love is gone. Maybe there are some deeper issues that he needs to talk about and doesn't know how to bring them up. Let him know that you are willing to do anything to make this marraige work and if therapy will help then you are all for it. Also be aware that there is a possibility that will refuse to go to therapy (some people just don't want any part of it for some reason). There is also a chance that therapy might not be the solution in this case, but there is no hurt in trying. You married each other because you shared a love so special and so strong that nothing could tear it apart. That love still lies inside of hime somewhere, so go out and find it.

Also know that although many of us are miles apart, we are all like family here on the Disbaoards and you have so many people who love you and care about you here. You have so many thoughts and prayers and I am sure I speak for everyone when I say.....even though we have never met you can always count on us to be here when you need someone to talk to.
Love,
Amy

 

[dis75ney]

Hey everyone I have been reading the boards whenever I got a spare moment and I will do replies here and to the PM's once I put the kids to bed tonight. Right now is snack time so I will do a quick post.

He called and said he wanted to stop by and see the kids tonight. Not stay. Just stop by. I went with my gut and said no. I told him not right now, in a few days.

I had a few reasons for this the most important is Cat is very smart and can figure things out quick and if he visits and then leaves on a Thursday night there will be questions galore. I can telll her that he headed out for a camping weekend with his brothers which has done a few times, leaving after work and taking Friday off so we don't see him until Sunday. Its not unheard of and generally not a big deal.

Secondly, I am very sick over all this and I am not sure I am up to seeing him right now. I know that its not right to keep him from the kids but I am the one that takes care of them. I have to take care of me if I am going to be able to continue that.

Thirdly I am hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe a few days away from home will make him realize how much he does want to be home and how much I mean to him... I know its sorta crazy but I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can work through this somehow. I love him.


So what does everyone think? Good choice or bad? Should I have told him it was okay to visit the kids tonight? I am so mixed up I really dont know what to do anymore.

-Becca-

I think you made the right decision. Your Cat sounds exactly like my DS in that they are both smart as whips and can figure out what's going on between Mommy and Daddy just by our body language...

Looking at your ages, I'm assuming that you and He have been together since high school (no need to correct me if I'm wrong, I'm just thinking out loud here). Perhaps He is wondering if there isn't something else out there...something that he didn't get to experience because he found you at such a young age. We, of course, all know that He can't do better than you... but maybe He needs to figure that out for himself. Men - can't live with them, can't beat them into submission...

Take care of YOU and your babies this weekend. Go out and do something fun together...if anything to take your mind off of recent events. Talk to He next week when you've had a chance to recover from the shock. Ask him to go to counseling with you...his reaction would give you some idea as to the direction of your future together.

You're in my thoughts and prayers...please keep us posted as to how you and your babies are doing...

 

[ENSOCK]

Becca,
I am sorry. I have been lurking on your report for a long time but just wanted to add my 2 cents. Hugs, prayers and pixie dust to you and the kids.

 

[LITTLEKID58]

 

[blabbermouth]

Some men are so stupid. They just don't understand how great they really have it! You're awesome and he'll hopefully get over it soon.

And you're right, Cat definitely seems smart enough to figure it out, so it's best to keep things normal for her. No reason to upset her over "nothing".

Good luck, I'm sure it's just a little bump, because if you two can't make it work....

 

[julezdisney]

Hi Becca,

I've mostly just been reading your TR, maybe commented just once or something, but wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and praying for your family.

I also wanted to tell you a little about my and DH's situation, in that, we had seperated for 4 mos when DD was 6 mos old, and almost split up about a year -1/2 ago. We went to counseling, and just one session was needed to put things into perspective. We're stronger than ever, and I hope the same can happen for you two. Please don't lost hope. Remind He of his vows and let him know he owes it to the kids and to you to at least consider counseling to see if there's something worth saving.

Marriage is a like a roller-coaster, and hopefully, this is one of the inversions.....

 

[Echo queen]

Becca, OMG I was just waiting for this to be a joke and you say that you were talking about (my boy friend) Mickey. OMG this is just terrible, I am just now. I hate to here about marriages breaking up OMG sorry I need to get a grip SHOCKING.

 

[LuccaDrake]

Awww......Beccaaaa.... I'm teary just reading about what happened. I hope for you all the things that other's have said and more! We all are certainly your DIS family and anytime you can certainly PM me or we could chat on the phone too if you would like. I know that sounds weird, but two Becca/Beka's could certainly have some good Dr. Phil-esque conversation! Did I get a smile there? huh? huh? Please keep us updated as we all want to make sure you are okay.

~Beka~

 

[brandi~momof3]

I am in shock as I am sure you are. I am so, so sorry sweetie.
I think you are doing the right thing not putting the kids through a roller coaster until you and He have a chance to sit down and talk.
GL and we are here if you need to talk, vent, etc.

 

[jewjubean]

I have been reading your TR for a couple days a little bit at a time and im so sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope that you two can work it out . The only thing that I can say being a child of parents that separated for awhile, just try and make it as "normal" as possible.