Thesis statement help

[Damhsa04]

I'm writing a research paper on the history of the Walt Disney Company and including how the parks accommodate the guests with special needs. I'm having trouble including everything into my thesis statement. I know a lot of you here can write really well and I'd really appreciate your help.

This is what I have so far: [FONT=Arial Black, sans-serif]The Walt Disney Company started from nothing but one man's dream and now as long as human beings have imagination the company will continue to grow and thrive, with the parks able to include every individual that visits—even those with special needs.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial Black, sans-serif]I've sent it to my English teacher but she hasn't responded yet. My class is really mixed and she's more focused on the kids that aren't doing so well, when my friends and I still need her guidance. And since this research paper and the rest of my Senior Project determines if I graduate or not I'd say this is pretty important that I make it the best it can be.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial Black, sans-serif]So if you can help me thanks so much.
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[princess.chell]

Good start. Its got everything you need in it. Only thing I saw was your wording. I had to reread it multiple times to get the idea. I like the first part and the end, but the middle gets confusing. Try this...

The Walt Disney Company started from nothing but one man's dream, and through the worlds imagination the parks have continued to grow and thrive to included everyone - even those with special need.

This way, it reads clearer. Just try to rearrange it. If you can, I would make it two sentences. That way, you are able to get more in without it being a run-on sentence.
Good luck!

 

[Shelton123]

I think there needs to be a comma between "imagination" and "the," and I also think that accomodate would be a better word for "include."

 

[Sparx]

The Walt Disney Company started from nothing but one man's dream and now, as long as human beings have imagination, the company will continue to grow and thrive, with the parks able to include every individual that visits—even those with special needs.

i think those commas are helpful.

overall, its very good.

 

[DramaQueen]

My edits would be:

The Walt Disney Company started from nothing but one man's dream, now, as long as human beings continue to have imagination, the company will continue to expand and thrive, with the parks ability to incorporate every individual that visits--including those with special needs.

Great topic! I would much rather be writing a paper on Disney than German Romanticism in the 18th Century (-dies-)

 

[Damhsa04]

My edits would be:

The Walt Disney Company started from nothing but one man's dream, now, as long as human beings continue to have imagination, the company will continue to expand and thrive, with the parks ability to incorporate every individual that visits--including those with special needs.

Great topic! I would much rather be writing a paper on Disney than German Romanticism in the 18th Century (-dies-)

I got to choose my topic. It's for my senior project where I have to write a research paper, do 15 hours of field work, and create a product.

I'm working with a travel agent and my product are itineraries for 3 mock trips to disney involving people with special needs.

 

[STOPxmickeytime]

First off, that's an amazing topic.
And second, the general frame of it is good, it just sounds a little awkward.

Founded from a single man's dream, the Walt Disney Company, which will always continue to grow as long as there is imagination in the world, thrives to cater to every individual, especially those with special needs.
That's how I would write it.

Good luck!

 

[Damhsa04]

Thanks for all of your help you guys.

 

[JulielovesDisney]

I'm doing a 10 page research paper on Disney too! Mine's on how the Disney Company has affected American culture.

I think your thesis is great! Good luck on your paper.