Theoretical question: Do we judge people who we think spend a lot....

[wallawallakids]

I honestly do not care. I don't think I judge, at least not with strangers. I have the opposite thought. Usually when I see someone is spending 20K on a honeymoon it makes me feel better! Like whew, I did good only spending 10K on our family vacation! I never think someone shouldn't spend their own money on their own vacation. You got it, go for it!

One thing that makes me crazy though is my sister's spending but only because I worry about her. She always says she has no money and complains all the time about it and wants borrow money but spends crazy money on things like organic dog food. (See I am judging that because in my value system spending 60 bucks for a bag of dog food when you have two dogs that weigh over 80lbs each is crazy in my book!) That I do kinda judge but more because I know she is in debt and can't seem to stop. But she values her dogs more then vacations. And she apparently values shoes. LOTS OF SHOES!

Mostly though, I worry about myself. Most of the time I am more concerned about my bottom line then anyone else's and don't care if everyone else has more/does more/gets more. At the end of the day, it all comes down to what you have in the bank.

 

[kerplop]

I think judging is natural if you don't approve of someone's lifestyle choices. That said, opening your mouth and talking down at them over it is - to me anyway - totally unacceptable. I get if they're posting on here saying things like well I can't afford the new brakes for my car, but I need advice on affording meals at Disney. There's tactful ways to tell them that maybe they need to prioritize. Honestly I don't care what other people do. If you want to run up $20,000 in debt for a vacation - not my problem! I don't have to pay your bills or figure out how you'll pay for it. Want to buy a new car and live in a crappy apartment? Again, not anything to do with me. No one on these boards is (usually) being personally affected by other people's choices, especially about money. So I answer the question as it's posed and save my judgmental commentary for myself and I wish other people would do me the same courtesy.

 

[My3kiddos]

I try not to judge since I don't know other people's finances. While in my mind spending a bunch on a wedding or honeymoon would be outlandish that doesn't mean other people can't afford it very easily. I think I'm judged at my job because we do try to travel when we can and we fly *gasp* even business class if possible. What my coworkers don't realize is we have points and companion passes that makes flying a lot cheaper than driving and I always find the best deal possible on hotels, all inclusive resorts, rental cars, and transportation. I like to travel, but I'm also frugal. I actually had one of my bosses tell me the other day that my parents must be loaded because they are planning my dad's retirement trip. My dad is self employed and hasn't been on vacation since I was 5 so many many years. He deserves this trip and my parents live frugally, have more than enough set aside for retirement, and don't have any debt so why not. Pisses me off when others judge and don't know the facts to judge.

 

[NotUrsula]

When it comes to travel, I'm not so much judgmental as I am alarmed when I can see that someone is spending an unnecessary amount of money on an experience that they clearly will not have a chance to enjoy.

I didn't see post the OP was referring to, but if I had, my reaction probably would have varied if the poster had said they were buying park tickets for every single day of the trip. If you are going to be spending long hours in the parks everyday, then also splurging on a really luxe room and Platinum dining *is* a waste, because they will go largely unused. If you're staying for 3 weeks and spending only 5 days in the parks, then splashing out on lodging and food is much more reasonable from a my value-for-money POV.

For me, it's really more about wanting others to love travel as much as I do. To that end, I do speak up when I perceive a truly wasted purchase or a rip-off about to happen, because those will usually adversely color the experience for the participant.

 

[FINFAN]

on things we wouldn't.

THIS IS PURELY THEORETICAL, just some thing I was wondering in response to another thread.

Girl is going on her honeymoon next year and spending 20K on her trip to Disney. Poster did not say or imply in any way that she could not afford it.

Immediately she was told how she could have a honeymoon without spending that much. Now, no one was rude. every one gave helpful suggestion but I did find it kind of depressing like they were raining on her parade because she sounded excited about her plans.

some suggested she get rid of platinum dining, don't do tours, etc, etc.

Why? If some one can stay concierge level in a Poly suite, why do "we" (collective, no one specific) automatically think to tell them they can go for a whole lot less. which I would assume they knew.

So do we have a natural tendency to assign value to things and if a person goes over that assigned value, they are "wrong"?

I'm always say I'm a weird person, for example I would totally pay a kings ransom to fly first class. totally think it's worth every penny and kidney I'd have to sell to do it, lol but ask me to pay 100 bucks for a pair of jeans and all heck breaks loose.

yes..people are judgmental about this. They are also judgemental on those they think to be too frugal on a trip. D* if you do, D* if you don't. Of course humans assign value..it's how they feel better about themselves..usually done at the expense (no pun intended) of others. It's a human flaw that I wouldn't mind seeing evolve right on outta here.

 

[Nztara]

Value is all about perception. Having been in a work situation that exposed me to people with an income many, many times what mine is, I learned that lesson very quickly.

Seeing people buy what I perceive to be extravagant things doesn't really cause me to judge unless I've heard them complain over and over again that they are broke. If they can afford it, they have very right to buy whatever they perceive to be valuable - from a $6 cup of coffee everyday to a $2,000 shirt or $20,000 vacation.

I have expressed my opinion to a broke person. He complained one too many times about not being able to pay the bills. I suggested to him that if he turned off his $300/month cable that the adult children mooching at home might get bored enough to go find a job.

 

[Chrelaine]

I agree with the previous posts saying that I don't judge too heavily unless the person is complaining that they can't afford anything but then are out buying a new camper, going on a trip...etc. I think if you are able to afford luxuries, then go for it! I grew up with a frugal mom and I am the same way. I hate to pay full price for something that I know I can get at a discount. I think it is human nature to judge those that make decisions that are different than you would make. It's part jealousy, whether we want to admit it or not.

 

[ilovemk76]

I only judge a purchase if that person owes money and claims to not have the money to pay or if they need a handout that was preventable by not spending like a drunken sailor.

 

[katie111]

My DH makes a lot of money & I am a SAHM. We are very lucky, but my DH works a ton and I pretty much do everything with the kids and the house during the week.

I do sometimes judge & I feel like we are always getting judged. We go on vacation a lot and that seems to really bug people. However, we vacation very frugally. We've done lots of all inclusives in Mexico because they are cheap for a family of 5. We've been to Disney lots of times but usually fly on points. We stay wherever we get the best deal, even in a value. I just love being in Disney so I don't care where we stay, we're in the parks most of the time. We've been on cruises & have been to several Caribbean islands and Costa Rica. Everyone wonders how we "afford it". We afford it because my husband makes way more money than anyone would suspect. We drive nice cars but we bought them with cash. We live in a fairly modest house for our town, and have already paid off 3/4 of our mortgage in 6 years. We have lots of money saved for retirement and our kids education. We don't wear fancy clothes or go to expensive restaurants because we're just not into those things.

I think I am inherently cheap. I have no desire to stay concierge level at Disney. I have no desire to spend $500 on a meal. I'd much rather take 3 vacations a year for the same price that someone might spend on 1 vacation. But that's my choice, and that's their choice and neither one is right or wrong.

As other posters have mentioned, I think I judge when I feel like people are doing things they cannot afford. However, the issue with judging is that you really have no idea what people's finances are like. I have a SIL & BIL who live in a nice house, have good jobs, and travel a lot. Everything looks perfect. However, according to my FIL, they are pretty much completely broke because they spend every penny that they make. They are so busy trying to keep up with the Jones's that they are burying themselves in debt. That drives me crazy even though I know it doesn't effect me so I shouldn't worry about it.

Would i spend $20k on a trip to Disney? No way! There are so many more exciting places in the world that I'd rather travel to & spend my $$ on, but that's just me. 5k seems to be my max for a vacation but I know I'll have to increase that as the kids get older and we want to start seeing more of the world.

 

[crisi]

Judging IS a natural human state. A woman gets on an elevator with you and you look at her shoes. "cute shoes" - you think - its a judgement - albeit a positive one. However, you also note that the color of her shirt is doing NOTHING for her complexion and that skirt makes her look fat - another judgement. You get your coffee - its "too hot" - a judgement. The girl behind the counter is really chipper for 7:30 in the morning - a judgement. Your kid comes home with a C on a test - and you think "you could have done better" - a judgement - and the next test has an A on it and you make the judgement "good job."

Of course we judge when it comes to money - someone shows you the new garden gnome they bought and you think "I wouldn't have spent money on THAT thing" - but if you are polite you say "oh, how cute" instead of "what a waste of money."

We always judge and we always have a right to judge - there are only a few times when its appropriate to articulate that judgement - when its positive (no one minds "cute shoes"), when we need a change ("this coffee is really hot, can you put an ice cube in it"), when we are asked for advice (which often happens here on the budget board "if you are trying to save money, I'd drop the Poly and consider a cheaper resort") (and asked for advice does not include "what do you think of my new garden gnome" - unless you know them well and they really want an honest opinion) , and finally, when it impacts you - like we get here where someone's relatives overspend, and then it becomes their problem to pick up the pieces. Or your friend or coworker constantly burdens you with their financial problems. Or here, when we spend time and energy giving someone advice or commiserating with them on their circumstances - only to have stupid financial decisions thrown back our direction (bankruptcy lady was mentioned above).

Someone talking about a very expensive honeymoon is the garden gnome situation - you smile and say "that sounds lovely" - unless there is a history or you have a personal investment - like its your sister and she owes you money for helping her get her rent paid.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Heck yeah! And to take it a step further, who here hasn't done the same to their own SO? There are things my wife buys that completely baffle me. And I know she wonders the same about me too.



But as mentioned, it really stands out when it's a splurge that *I* wouldn't do and the person who's doing it spends all their time complaining about being broke. You have no money for vacation, but you don't have a problem dropping $250 a week at restaurants & bars? Ahhh, the horror!!

 

[dawnhaze]

I personally would never spend 20k on anything short of a down payment on a mortgage, but if someone else wants to have an extravagant honeymoon or whatever else, I can't bring myself to care all that much, whether they can afford it or not.

I generally just don't pay attention to people who whine about being broke in one breath and then brag about their unnecessary spending in the next, though. If they don't realize they're causing their own problem, my commentary probably won't help them.

 

[crisi]

Oh, I do something that is judging, but it isn't meant to be negative - I compare.

I have a friend who lives out of her minivan and does migrant labor. She loves it. She suppliments it with doing some couch surfing. My statements about this sometimes come across as negatively judgmental (i.e. its a little crazy to be doing this in your 50s and I don't know what she'll do for retirement. I worry about her health care situation or that she'll get stranded somewhere with no resources. I worry about her safety, living in her van in migrant communities) - but at the same time - although I would NEVER do this, SHE is happy and I am happy for her. She is so completely different from me that I can't help comparing it and believing my choices are better for me. But I do so knowing my choices would not be good at all for her - and accept her even though she is different. And she doesn't surf on our couch (though we feed her dinner from time to time when she passes through town - in exchange, she often brings a box of whatever she has picked or canned on her travels). I would never do it. That doesn't mean part of me doesn't admire her for being brave enough to do it.

 

[pryncess527]

I aspire to spend $20,000 on a vacation, so no negative judgement from me, unless I have some other information about the couple in question that would make me raise an eyebrow. Even then, I was taught that if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.

 

[ariel71]

I think judging is natural if you don't approve of someone's lifestyle choices. That said, opening your mouth and talking down at them over it is - to me anyway - totally unacceptable. I get if they're posting on here saying things like well I can't afford the new brakes for my car, but I need advice on affording meals at Disney. There's tactful ways to tell them that maybe they need to prioritize. Honestly I don't care what other people do. If you want to run up $20,000 in debt for a vacation - not my problem! I don't have to pay your bills or figure out how you'll pay for it. Want to buy a new car and live in a crappy apartment? Again, not anything to do with me. No one on these boards is (usually) being personally affected by other people's choices, especially about money. So I answer the question as it's posed and save my judgmental commentary for myself and I wish other people would do me the same courtesy.

I would never say something because I don't know any one person's situation, but the problem is that these personal decisions CAN cause financial issues for society in general. People being overextended on their mortgages contributed to the housing crisis. Lack of retirement savings will create a problem in twenty years. Not having health insurance and using ERs for primary care does have an effect on health care spending (I don't want that to derail the thread with political/Obamacare thoughts, just noting that medical care has a financial effect). Extensive student loans that can't be repaid are/will be the next crisis.

I firmly believe that personal finance should be required in our schools. In the grand scheme of things, it's more important than something like geography.

 

[peel]

I'm not judgmental about people splurging on travel because I see it as a rewarding experience that can enrich your life. What irks me is people spending ridiculous amounts of money on material possessions, especially trendy things that they aren't going to want in a year. I don't understand what is THAT different about a thousand dollar pair of shoes and a hundred dollar pair besides the name, which to me seems very narcissistic.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I tend to take and live and let live approach to life in general. Everybody makes their own choices.

I'm sure I judge but try not to, if people complain but don't want help. I just smile and nod and assume they'll figure it out.

I'm sure people judge me plenty lol. I would not be considered thrifty by most.

I have maid service and eat out a lot. I tend to value convenience over bargain (I don't price match or go to multiple stores, I go to whichever gas station is on my side of the road even if across the street is cheaper). I pay for the full service car wash, etc.

I am an early adopter of electronics and buy the new toys when they come out. Still have cable/sports packages.

I travel several times a year and like 4-5* accommodations and dining.

So many people might judge and find a ton of ways to live on less. No doubt. But I live for (what I think is a healthy balance) today and try to things cheaper like using points cc and traveling in off season.

Everybody values things differently. My boyfriend is a value fiend and would gladly schlep suitcases from a parking garage a mile away to save $10 which I think is crazy. My time and enjoyment of every minute of my vacation is worth way more than $10, he sees all the $10 adding up and what he can do.

 

[AlohaNow]

I laughed out loud when I read the title of this thread. People being judgy on an anonymous internet forum? Why…..never!

If I’ve learned anything on these boards, it’s that finances are a very personal issue and different people place value on different things. I consider my household my own little corporation with income, expenses, available lines of credit, and taxes. I am the CEO, CFO, and President. I don’t tell you how to run your corporation, so don’t you tell me how to run mine! (She said with a smile.)

The last time we went to NYC we spent a night at the Waldorf-Astoria. Sounds expensive, right? You can get the Waldorf for a steal on a Friday or Saturday night, by Manhattan standards anyway. But I do believe a lot of it is perception. You wasted your money on the Waldorf? (No, actually it was really cheap.) You fly all over, even in business class? (No, actually we fly for free on miles.) You went on another Disney cruise? (Well, yes, but the in-laws paid for the whole thing this time.) You see someone do something and automatically make all sorts of assumptions, when really you have no idea regarding their financial situation. I know I do it all the time. If you sat around our kitchen table at times you’d think we were a bunch of Judgy McJudgersons! Truth is, everyone judges all the time. We’re just polite in public about it.

There is currently a thread about mascara. I was quite shocked at how much some people spend on one tube of mascara and my first thought was, “This is the budget board! Are these people serious?” It’s Maybelline Great Lash from the grocery store for me! But again, everyone makes their own choices. We make assumptions, therefore we judge.

 

[Nicoleinwi]

Travel is a big part of my life and my judgment of people usually revolves around their lack of wanting to travel as they choose different avenues to spend their money (have it be clothes or sitting at the bar). I do not understand (nor will I ever) how someone would not want to see as much of the world as possible. I get the fact some families may not be able to travel across the world but there is still a lot of great places you could explore close to home.

Someone spending a large sum of money on a vacation is the one thing I would never judge someone on. The lady who is spending $20K on her Disney honeymoon is going to have a trip to remember for the rest of her life.

 

[sydneysmom]

I think it's human nature to judge, somewhat, what others do...it's what you do with it that shows what kind of person you might be.

Someone paying $ 20K for a vacation, my first inclination is "are they nuts?", but who am I to say that? And in the scope of life, it matters nothing in my world how much someone else spends on their vacation or their life. Now, if someone is borrowing money from me to pay the mortgage and then blowing it on vacations and stuff like that? Then I would have something to say. But for someone to post, on a budget board no less, that they're spending $20K on a vacation, I don't think they can expect to NOT have people give their opinion. It's a public forum. If they did not want to be subject to opinions, they probably shouldn't have posted on a board that is kind of all about finding deals and being thrify. It just looks like someone is "showing off", if you will.

It's all relative though.... someone spending $20K on vacation might be ordinary for them. That same person might NEVER go on vacation so this is a once in a lifetime trip. WHen we went to Disney the first time, it came out to almost $ 6K. People thought we were nuts.... however, we did not go on vacation for 3 years and we saved up for those 3 years. So when you break it down, it was basically $2K per year... we just did it on the 3rd year. You can't judge a book by it's cover. Would I spend $ 6K a year on a trip.... not. ever.

I also think sometimes people post to get a rise out of others.... that person may not ever take a $ 20K trip... who knows. They could be barely making it, but it makes them feel a little special to live in a bit of a make believe world. Who knows? They also might be totally wealthy and that amount is a drop in the bucket.

For us, we're pretty thrify in our normal everyday life so that we can choose to go on vacations or fly to see my family. It's important to us. How you spend your money is purely your business.....