The Special Mother

[cancer_survivor_06]

I have changed the title in hopes that more people will read and enjoy. No need to post a reply.


The Special Mother
by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social
pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for
propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs
His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped
child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who
does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of
self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll
handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that
is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to
give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and
that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter,
I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The
angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child
less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will consider a
step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will
be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty,
prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she
is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

 

[LindaBabe]

Terrific - just giving this a little bump so more moms will see it!

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks; I really appreciate that; in fact, I'm going to print it after I find the tissues and can see the keyboard again. Wow
lol
Nicole

 

[alizesmom]

I've read it before and love it. There is a second part that I would love to get my hands on. Anyone have it? Karen

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

ireland_nicole~ I still cry every time I read it.

alizesmom~ haven't seen anything regarding a second half of this.

 

[BeckyScott]

The Big Three.

I used to have three essays printed out, that stayed in my purse all the time. They're not in there any more, I don't know what happened to them. So I'm printing them out again-- thanks for the reminder.

The Erma Bombeck essay
Welcome To Holland (of course)
To You, My Sisters (the bestest one of all)
http://members.home.nl/rth/PDF Library/thesorority.pdf

 

[ireland_nicole]

Becky;
Thank you, my sister. I'm going to carry that one around now, too. Sometimes I feel so isolated. This reminds me that I am never alone in my experience.
Nicole

 

[0hmyheck]

Thanks, I needed that today. I went out to shovel the 18 inches of snow in the drive and sidewalk this morning.

When I came back in DS has taken the Valentines' day cake and had tried to move it over. It was all over the floor, counter and cabinet. The kitchen was a mess, I needed a shower and we needed breakfast.

This reminds me that my calling is for His way, not my way.

 

[Schmeck]

Then why does God give babies to women who are addicted to drugs and alcohol? Does he think they should be blessed with 'crack-babies' and children suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome? While I think this is a sweet, supportive message, it doesn't really do it for me. I've worked with too many handicapped children who are 'blessed' with being handicapped because their mothers were drug addicts. Are those mothers supposed to look in a mirror and see themselves as saints as well?

 

[SueM in MN]

There are things in the world that are unfair, so unfair that it seems inconceivable that they can happen.

I thought for a long time what to post on this thread.

I can see where Schmeck is coming from, because I have been in that world.
I can see where the other people on the thread are coming from because I have been in that world too.
Many people with children with disabilities love the Erma Bombeck essay because they need to hang onto thoughts like that.
That other world that Schmeck is coming from is not a world you can imagine well (maybe not at all) unless you have been there. It is so far from the world of the OP, that it may as well be a different universe.

I remember reading the essay by Erma Bombeck a long time ago.
At that time, I did not have a child with disabilities and I never in a million years thought I would. I thought it was a sweet message.
I've been on both sides of the world and I can see the sweetness and the sadness/unfairness of it.

My first job as a nurse was working in a state institution for people with developmental disabilities. Some of them were severely disabled because of illnesses or accident. Some because of birth defects.
Many of those children had parents who loved them, but could not care for them at home. Or were advised to give them up and pretend they had never been born because they had the rest of their family to care for. Those parents would have resonated with the thoughts in the essay and, maybe, given the types of support available now, may have been able to care for their child.
Some were disabled because of abuse; several who had been subjected to such severe beatings as infants that rendered them incapable of doing anything past a newborn level. Those parents would have possibly laughed at the essay, because many of them didn't see God anywhere, much less in their own lives. Those parents didn't deserve children. Those children didn't deserve the life that they got.
Where is God in that? I don't know.
What I learned at that facility was patience, how to see someone (some days, many someones) have a seizure and still see the person having the seizure, not only the electrical storm going on in their body. I learned how to handle someone with severe spasticity without hurting them and how to help tight muscles relax.
I saw exciting and amazing things, like the beginning of some of the tests that are now commonplace (like using something called evoked potential tests to see whether the brain actually is receiving any messages from the eyes or ears). I also saw the beginnings of computerized communication systems that were the great grandparents of the device my DD now uses.
I was asked many times how I could work there when "those people have lives that are so small; they can't do anything. Isn't it depressing?"
And, my answer was that if you looked at what they could not do or if I looked at how they got that way, it would have been.
But, I saw my job as helping them be the best with whatever they had. Even if they could do little, I could make their world a little bigger.
I worked there for a little over a year and would probably still be there if my DH had not been transferred. I loved my patients and cried when I left.

My next nursing job was working on an inpatient setting with children and adolescents with mental illnesses.
Many of them had loving parents who had put up with so much pain, uncertainty and abuse from their children that they had to be true saints to keep loving them. Those parents would have probably read the essay and felt it was sweet, but many of them felt responsible for their children's problems - even though most of their children had mental illness that the parents could have done nothing to prevent. The essay was written for those parents.
Some of the children had parents who were mentally ill, addicts or abusers. One beautiful little girl was suicidal and felt un-lovable at age 6 because her mother didn't love her (the mom told her that regularly, as well telling the girl she wished she was dead). A young sister and brother's regular Friday and Saturday activities included taking care of themselves and then falling asleep by themselves (often locked out of their apartment) while their parents were out drinking. The brother and sister ended up in our care because they were depressed (imagine that - said with much irony). Those children didn't deserve the life they got. Their parents were ill themselves and would not have seen any sweetness in the essay, since many of them had no sweetness and their own lives and had parents who were just like themselves. They didn't deserve any children.
Where was God in that? I don't know.
In that job I learned patience, how to correctly do Time Out and other techniques that became useful later in life when I had my children.
There came a time when I had seen enough sadness, had seen enough children who left in good shape and came back in a revolving door of mental illness. I wanted to have my own children and such a place of sadness was not a good place for that.

My next 2 jobs were in Public Health; where I worked for a total of over 13 years. I saw families from both sides of the 'world'.
Some of the people I saw were the same ones Schmeck was writing about. People who abused or neglected their children.
People whose children had disabilities because of things their parents did (or didn't do).
People who were court ordered to accept my services - along with visits from a social worker. People who were so 'into' drugs that some offered them to me!
One woman who told me when I arrived for a court ordered visit that I would not be able to see the 18 month old child because "Apparently, I left him at home alone with his 3 yr old cousin while I went to the store and apparently someone called Social Services because they apparently came while I was gone and took him into Foster Care."
Those children did not deserve the lives or the parents they got.
Were those parents saints? Far from it. Those parents did not deserve any children. They deserved to have their children taken away and put in families where they would be loved. But, we had no power to do that and the courts that did, chose to leave them where they were.
At the same time as I was working with those parents, I was going thru infertility treatment. Why could those people who didn't love their children be parents and my DH and I couldn't?
Where is God in that? I don't know.

Some of the other parents I saw would have read the essay and felt comforted that maybe there was some explanation for the unexplainable fact that their child had been born with/developed major disabilities. Many of those parents had tried to do everything right, but through no fault of their own, they had a child born early, or very small or with some major difficulty. Many of them would have rather taken the disability themselves than watch their child struggling. Some of them needed to believe the sentiments in that essay because it helped them to cope with what they were experiencing. Believing it gave them strength they needed to go on; those are the people the essay was written for.
One family I saw had a DS and a DD, both good students and perfectly healthy until the older one suddenly became clumsy at around age 10. His family had the unbelievable news that their son would continue to deteriorate from an inherited neurologic condition.
And, that their DD had inherited the same condition.
And would watch her brother go thru every step that she was destined to go thru. Fair? No.
Was God in that? I don't know, but I do know that at the time that family was going thru that situation, my family was coming to the slow realization that our youngest DD was not developing 'normally'. My prayer was that she not have something progressive. I prayed that she 'only' have something like Cerebral Palsy. I could deal with that.
Were my prayers answered? I don't know, but I think so.
It's not fair that my DD was born with so many challenges, but maybe I was 'chosen.' I do know that the experiences (many of which I didn't write here) I had in my different jobs 'prepared' me for life as the mother of a child with multiple disabilities.
I do know that when I re-read the essay, this time as the parent of a child with multiple disabilities, I did feel comforted.
Is the hand of God in that?

Maybe...................

 

[alizesmom]

Sue, you are very eloquent. Thank you. There are so many children who don't deserve the parents they recieve and so many who ache to be parents. Life is not fair and seeing God can be nearly impossible. I have no words of wisdom or comfort for those who have to cope with the dark and cruel side of life. I have seen some of it but nowhere near the level of you or Schmeck. I can offer one tiny possibility that is not meant to sound egotisical but I have found that sometimes those children are born to bring joy into the lives of people like me. Our precious 2 youngest children came from situations similar to what you have described. It would be nice if they had never been subjected to their birth parents but the world would be a sadder place without them. Karen

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

While I don't know what its like to be involved from any aspect of a child of abuse due to drugs and alcohol I do know what my life has been like for the past 4-8 years and after reading this it gave me some reassurance as to why I haven't at 26 years old had a nervous breakdown.

I had my eldest dd in 2000 right before my nighteenth bday while not a complicated pregnancy nor birth and the results of a healthy baby who is well above average. In 2002 at the age of 21 became pregnant w/ my second dd while my pregnancy was not the greatest, constantly passing out, gaining only 10 pounds only to have a 7lb 6oz baby which was the biggest of my two and other minor stress related problems that I dealt w/ on a daily basis since my last pregnancy, I always shrugged it off since every pregnancy was different and my OB didn't really seem concerned. I delivered Lily at noon and they didn't bring her back to me until 5pm b/c her temp was barely high enough to leave the nursery and they told me to feed her b/c she hasn't had anything after several attempts to feed her she would I just assumed she will let me know when she is hungry. A little while later I was changing her from the hospital shirt they had her in to some clothes that I brought from home I noticed the inside of her hands were a blueish color but didn't think anything of it b/c her umbilical cord was dyed blue and her hands were resting on the same w/ they feet they were a bit purpleish but they had been printed so it could have been what was left of the ink. At 9pm when the nurse came back I was letting her know that I was still unable to get her to eat for the most part and when I looked down at her the area between her nose and upper lip were turning purple right then the nurse took her and walked out and I got no reply until almost midnight only to find out that her blood sugar dropped to 7 and she was in the nicu b/c they were not sure what was going on. She remained in the nicu for three inconclusive weeks. After being discharged and many appointments scheduled to see several specialist we made our way to a geneticist only to find out that genetics played no part in what was happening, the only good thing that came out of that appointment was that we learned from my grandfather having breast cancer in 2000 was the result of genetic inheritance and we have now all been tested to see who inherited it. After even more numerous test and a dozen specialist and two weeks shy of Lily's 1st birth day we received a report saying that she possibly had a Grand Mal Siezure only to receive what the neurologist believes is the correct diagnosis of Septo Optic Dysplasia. During the past few months I had been ill and even lost 40 pounds in one month while going to the doctor myself on a monthly basis, my doctor finally sent me for a chest xray b/c of a severe cough that I had and after having the xray I remember catching a glance at it and thinking wow my heart looks so big. I left not thinking much of it b/c I didn't know what scale the xray was done on and I was going to see the doc in the morning anyway. I wasn't home one hour and had been called back to the hospital b/c their was a problem w/ my xray, when I arrived at the hospital they told me it looked like I had an enlarged heart but they need to do some CTs to find out for sure. After a couple of hours I was told that I had what appeared to be a form of lymphoma and that I need to head to another hospital to be admitted for more testing. While I don't know if I was just in shock or what I remember not crying or being upset and the more I thought about I reacted the same way about Lily, I wasn't upset, I haven't cried and I haven't even asked Why or Why me. I was transferred that night to another hospital where my grandpa had been treated for his breast cancer and my family had begun their testing to have the same oncologist where the day before Lily's 1st bday I was told I have Stage 2B Hodgkins Disease. After several months of being treated it was not gone and it spread in addition to that I learned that I would now need high dose chemo and a stem cell transplant b/c my disease was considered Persistent. After the anger and frustration of a major hurricane and the loss of the hospital where I was scheduled to undergo these treatments I was relocated to MDAnderson to be treated. I started my week of in patient treatment the next week only to discover another hurricane was headed my way, where I was away from every one. With no trouble from that hurricane I was discharged I didn't have a few minor complications that when I returned for my followup visit the next week I passed out and ended up in ICU and then on life support for 10 days. I am now in remission and after my battle I have had more time to focus on Lily's therapies which include physical,occupational, and speech for my four year old who functions on the level of a four month old.

After everything I have been through and still go through on a daily basis I could sit here and say Why ME, what did I do to deserve this and so on and so on. I could harbor resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, and my list could go on and on but not once have I ever felt these emotions, maybe its because I am an optimistic person that I can feel this way. Believe me I am no saint nor will I ever be one, heck I'm not even really all that religious and I was raised in a catholic home. I don't go to church on sunday, I don't even really pray but I believe in the power of prayers and never once I have thought what kind of god would do this to me or anyone for that matter the only thought that I have ever felt was that God must have something big planned for me b/c would never give me more than I can handle. When people ask me how I do it and handle everything b/c they sure couldn't its simple "What I have for as bad as it may seem isn't all that bad, b/c I know there is someone out there who has it much worse than I do."

 

[SueM in MN]

 

[BeckyScott]

I remember about two years ago, I have a friend that was trying to recruit me into her church. (I'll omit the denomination, since we don't need to get into that part of it) Her two boys have "issues" also, and so I went for it, and asked her that one question- you know- why does God give children disabilities and diseases and crack moms? I was expecting the "we don't know" answer.

What she told me was-- and I'll stick with this in spite of the fact I didn't start going to her church -- is that those children are here to teach us. Not to teach just the parents, to teach anyone they are in contact with. To teach everyone. And that one day they'll be whole. But that they have a greater purpose, they have been chosen to be the teachers.

That, I'll believe.

And I believe that I was chosen, that our family was chosen, that we were trusted with something big. I have to make myself take pride in that, and some days it is hard. I believe that "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and I think some days He overestimated me! If I look back at my life, I can see that I was being prepared for this, like Sue was saying, not so much as she was, but in my own way.

It's been a tough road-- my body has taken a hit. I got ulcerative colitis. I am on meds for anxiety. There have been marriage counselors, personal counselors... But I've grown too. I used to actually care what other people thought. Yeah, right! Whatever! And I learned that Justin has arrived in a family of stubborn, hard-headed, opinionated... I believe that the reason my husband and I are still together (because many aren't) is because we are both just too stubborn to admit defeat.

Okay, I'm rambling again... sorry about that... I haven't had enough coffee yet.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thank you ladies, esp Sue and Becky. I too had experiences as a EMT/firefighter, dispatcher and nurse, eventually in Hospice, and practically grew up in my Grandmother's nursing home. Part of what I realized is that a mother does not necessarily give birth, but is the stable force that provides love, safety and support. Maybe part of my experiences did help prepare me to parent kids w/ special needs, but that doesn't mean that I get it right. I certainly wouldn't nominate myself for sainthood, (and neither would my husband) but I do believe that God has a special plan for my children. I appreciate all that my 2 "gifts" have taught me, and I will never take a hug or an I love you, mom for granted. Of course, you will more often find me frustrated then looking calmly beatific. (In fact, I'm pretty sure I have never had that look., I don't think I could really rock it.) Anyway, thats my 2 cents.

 

[SueM in MN]

Part of what I realized is that a mother does not necessarily give birth, but is the stable force that provides love, safety and support.

Very good point

 

[MandM-Mom]

Thanks for the essay I really enjoyed it, I think its a nice piece, uplifting for me!

 

[breezy1077]

I'm a new diser(did I use that right?), but I too want to give this a "bump".

I'm not a crier but I've just gone through four tissues. I'd like to send the erma bomback quote to the moms in my daughters special needs playgroup, but I'm not really sure how to access it. Can someone email it to me or can I just copy and paste it? (did I mention that I'm fairly computer illiterate too? Pretty soon I'll even get brave enough to add a smiley)

Anyone who can help thanks.

 

[ireland_nicole]

breezy;
I too am techno-phobic, so I can't help w/ the question, but Welcome!
Nicole

 

[BeckyScott]

I think you can just google it. It's in a bunch of different places, and some of them look like regular web pages but some are "pretty". So you can kind of pick and choose. I think I just googled Bombeck Special Mother the last time I printed it out.